I am seriously contemplating divorce, I wrote a little bit about it in the Pregnancy section. I could use some support, any support. My world was shattered last night and I am still in shock at what I discovered. Love letters to 2 OM! One I thought was out of the picture and the second an Inmate at a prison where she works. Can these be used in court to help me from getting financially ruined? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

A good question for your lawyer. It varies by state. Most states are no fault which means it doesn't matter.

More in a few minutes.

Please post more of your story. Maybe not the full novel that you referred to on the Preg. board, but more.

Obviously things have been tough if you're on 300 mg of Wellbutrin.

So, fill us in on the back ground.

And what do you think and feel about divorce?

I want to also say how sorry I am. This must be a severe blow indeed. And now you have 5 children to consider.

Did you ever have to go to Plan B six years ago? I think it may be time for a Plan B.

I’m not sure divorce needs to be the immediate response. But, my gut reaction is that there needs to be a timely response to this discovery. And Plan B with a nice Plan B letter may give you the room you need to protect yourself and make an considered decision about what YOU want.

Meanwhile, I'm reading up on all your recent posts.

Of course, your posts seem to be 18 months old!!!!

Hang in there.

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

HO,
I’ve read from the summer of 02. She changed her mind. Did you ever find out why, exactly? It might be illuminating.

What lead to the affair? I know you were in Plan A. Did she fill in the questionnaires, or did you have to guess?

Thanks for the reply GreenGables. here the sad story. Where to begin, Married in 89, she had a daughter from a prevoius relatinship, never married the Guy
in 90 and 91 I was a WS (two One time encounters With people I worked with). I was young and immature back then. 22 to be exact and a new father with another on the way. Later on relized it was my futile attempt to end things with her. She forgave me both times. moved in with her parents for 3 years to save $ for a house. She got a job at the Post office. Admitted to kissing a coworkerin 95. We got past that.Bought a house in 95. Moved from west coast to east in 97. Started off living at my fathers. Lease optioned the house on the west coast to the Boilogical father of the her first child. Things deteriorated from there. Stepdaughters father quit paying the mortgage on the house. Forclosure looming as I had only enough $left in savings to cover the house not for 6 months. Booted the Stepdaughters father out of the house. Around this time I already purchased a sizeable piece of land on the east coast and was paying for that too. Relationship at my fathers house deteriorated between the step mother and my wife to the point a physical altercation took place. At this time I was out of savings to pay the other house note and was paying for the east coast land. No money was left to move my family out of my fathers. Bad situation.
Already was paying for a construction loan for the house that was being built on the land I bought.
The day the wife had the altercation she took the kids to airport and I was lucky enough to catch them in line at the ticket counter. I bring them back to hotel so we could discuss her leaving. She was going to go to her parents until the house was done then come back. I agree to this plan as there we no other options. While she is out there she was to get the house ready for sale. That is when she called the OM, a colledge boyfreind from years ago. This guy is one of those people that sets up a supposed corperation to buy a forclosed house and then moves renters in..or something like that.. She starts talking with this guy and even has me talk to him under the assumption that he could get the other mortgage off our back by doing his thing. I did not know at the time he was an old boyfreind as she had lots of male freinds in her past. Anyway,
Things are moving along with the new house, and I notice when I call her parent she is not there most of the time, Parents inform me she is with the OM. I am missing my family and very depressed, she call me one night talking weird stuff like partner swapping. I am freaking out by now. She asks me if she can do this OM point blank. My world crashed. I did not know what to say. I said out of guilt for me being a WS before, I cant tell you what not to do, all I want is my family back, don't come back pregnant. Insane I know.. I was spineless, thinking that she was going to keep my children from me and I would have agreed to just about anything from my guilt and desire to get my family back. I start plan A immediately. Flowers, candy, something every day in the Mail to keep me on her mind so she would not cheat on me.
Fast forward to 98, she arrives at the new home with my kids I am elated. Three weeks later she drops the bomb! She is pregnant. Don't beleive in abortion and adoption would be out of the question. After much contemplation, and assurance on her part that I did raise the twins she would make it up to me for rest of my life, besides the guilt from my past infidelities I agree that we could make it work. The ONLY condition is that I never nor she have any contact with the OM ever again! Too late she informs me that she already told the OM he was the father. I call the slick @#$% up and inform him to stay out of my families life as a divorce would hurt my children.By the way, No possible way the twins could be mine as I had a vasectomy in 92. Twins born in 99, Did not here a peep from the OM and all seems right on track with my wife and my relationship. in 2000 and 2001 she takes the children to the west coast to see her parents. Assures me repeatedly that there will be no contact whatsoever. fast forward to 2002, Thing again get rocky in the relationship as the stepdaughter getting rebellious towrds me. Step daughter at 16.5 moves to her freinds. Late 2002 the wife asks for a divorce, I say I won't give her one. Get her to agree to MArriage counseling. Counselor has a few sessions with her and then gets us together. Counselor was useless, brought me in just to tell me that my marriage is over with the wife present. Wife had already, gotten a PO box. this was later revealed that she did it for her attorneys paperwork. I inplement a flawless plan A for 6 months while she is still living with me. Plan A working great.Getting lots of I love you's your the only man for me etc. I became a housewife and breadwinner all in one. wife gets a job at a prison as a correctional officer late 2002. Find a note on the floor in her handwritting that fell out of her pocket proffessing her undying love for a convicted felon that is in for life for Murdering his mother! I confront, she says that things hae never been the same between since her daughter moved out. HUH? Continue plan A. things seem better again. the I love yous and so forth coming many times a day from her. Fast forward to last night. While cleaning out the closet, discover a letter in a dated envelop from Jan 2003 from the OM. Letter states his love for her. Is she divorced yet? kiss the kids. I then find a reciept for a large package sent to him from my wife Dec 2002. I am blown away. Obviously she has been in continuois contact from the start. I confront her on the phone. Get her to admit that she sent Baby pictures of the twins to him. I am ill, literally get sick, chest pains the works. She says that it should be no suprise to me as that I should have been aware that her feelings were not the same for me for a long time. Huh? What. Then what does all the intimate times together where she is espousing her love for me , She would pick me over any man over the years meant? I feel like a chump that because of my guilt and desparation to keep my family intact she literally has been using me, lying to me for the last 6 YEARS. She swears on a stack of bibles that she did not see him on her trips to the west coast. Like I am supposed to beleive that! Now I am shaking. Please respond and sorry for the length. But that is the whole story! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Okay, HO, take a deep breath. Several. Through the nose. Exhale slowly.

I’ve got all the facts of the case now. That helps. Even in 2002, you’re postings were Spartan. Let me think just a wee bit here. Thinking, thinking.

I’m thinking it’s time for Plan B. You need to be out of the house. Your wife has made many, many choices that have been harmful to you and to the children. Your top priority right now needs to be damage control.

Now the risk of Plan B is that she doesn’t come back to you. And I only recommend it if you are willing to risk that.

How have you been feeling these last months? You had intimate moments, you said. Were you happy? Content? Worried? Sad? Or all of those which my 7-year old calls “crazy.”

My e-mail is greengablesmb@hotmail.com. Luckily I’m back up online at home. I’ll be around this evening.

Oh, yes. She may not have been lying for all six years. You don’t know. She has been lying recently. And she definitely crossed a clear boundary in corresponding with OM, but it may not have been the whole time. I don’t know if that helps at all.


And, she may not have been using you in the way you think. She may have been using you for the emotional security, the affection, all that.

Did you follow BeingZen’s advice in summer 2002 and develop hobbies? How are you going to get through the weekend?

Thanks for responding Green Gables,
How have I been feeling these last months. Depressed angry sad rarely happy.
You see she used to work day shift but complained to me that she was getting harrassed by all the interwork politics going on. Also we had to pay for daycare for a few hours each afternoon till she could pick up the twins. So I agreed to let her switch to third shift so she could get more sleep while the kids were at school under the premise that she said she would help get the twins clothes and lunches ready on school days. Anyway, talk about being a doormat, for the last 7 months I have had to take on 98% of the household duties in addition to the outside work I did before. I cook all the meals (dinner for the Kid) wash and fold two loads of laundry a night. Am the only one to ever vacuum the house. Not to metion picking up after the twin 5 yo. I do the dusting Pretty much all of it. I have absolutely no time for myself anymore unless it is after 10:30 at night. So my typical day consists of getting up in the morning dressing the twins, ensuring that the older kids are ready, driving them to two different schools, driving 1 hour to work, working 8.5 hours, then driving another hour home. once I get home the 3 hour a night cleaning cycle starts. as the 4 kids have messed up the house since they were home from school, fix dinner, do dishes, wash laundry and vacuum the den and dining room from all the chips and food particles that the children left because their mother does not enforce the eat in the kitchen rule. I basically have no life. Intimate relations, I am like allot other here in the fact that she never rarely initiates, and It is all me doing the act. I spoke with an attorney, and he told me , definately no relations, at this point my love bank for her is so depleted I could care less, plus the Wellbutrin might be a cause. Sorry my earlier posts were so spartan. I feel like my brain is overloaded. I feel used pretty much. In the last year I can only think of maybe a dozen times that she has actually made me something to eat. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You don't have to apologize for giving Spartan posts. Most of us give either too little or too much information. I'm prone to parenthetical phrases that Wiftty says are confusing. He's right.

If your around send an IM or an email. I'm going back to my 4-year old.

Did I ask you what your survival plan is for the weekend? Weekends are tough because there's no work.

Okay, Humble, is 10:30 on a Friday night. After doing all the chores, you're probably in bed. Where I'm headed.

Time to start simplying your life.

How would you feel about Plan B? There may be some good side effects, like less work.

green,

I don't agree with your advice here, I don't think it's very good and this guy is depending on you to help him please re-think!!! If he is the one that is caring for the house and kids he is not the one that should be getting out of it. She is the one that has made the choice not to be faithful, she is not to be rewarded for that by having him move out!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’m thinking it’s time for Plan B. You need to be out of the house. Your wife has made many, many choices that have been harmful to you and to the children. Your top priority right now needs to be damage control.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan B would be great for him, but he should not leave the house or the kids if he wants to go for custodyd at all!!!

Just my 2 cents worth tonight!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh, Dawn, thanks. I wasn't writing clearly enough. When I said "Out of the house," I really meant out of the current situation. It would be ideal for the wife to leave.

However, in most states you cannot force a spouse to leave as the wife probably knows since she's been to an attorney in the past.

I would hestitate to give any advice that recommends leaving the children.


This is just such a hard situation. HO says he still loves his wife. I think it's too soon after DD for him to decide one way or another. But if hte marriage can be saved, it will be because he protects his love for her against her destructive actions.

Thanks so much, Dawn. I hope others will chime in, I'm not an expert and a variety of views would be god.

<small>[ February 21, 2004, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

Thanks for your replys GG and Daybreak. The Weekend was frought with many emotional ups and downs. I did speak with an attorney and summarized my situation. Divorce wise looks like I am screwed. The state I am in is a community property state. My current financial status (bills and CC's) are to large to do the divorce. The scenario is this according to the attorney: I could file for divorce initial cost 2500 down and 200/hr after that. She would most likely get the house on a temporary basis because there are four children. While my two older children are Biologically mine, they could decide which parent they want to stay with, Which would be most likely thier Mother as I have always been the disciplinarian. I would have to assume 1/2 of the bills and in addition to child support plus the likelyhood a portion of the first and second mortgage until the divorce is final. Based on my income, that figure would amount to 3/4 of my take home pay. As far as the twins, although I sued for divorce and requested DNA to prove the children arent mine, Most Judges where I live would at least make me responsible for Child support for them for some time as I have been supporting them already. Don't get me wrong I love the twins dearly, I have been the one who has raised them from the beginning, not the #$%^&@ OM. I do love my wife with all my being, but this latest betrayal has beat me dowm as a man, and human being. I feel like a an empty shell. Right now I have no trust in people. Not you guys but, a wall has been created around me that is made of 100% skepticism. I did not sleep well, this weekend. Could not find the courage to ask her the thousands of questions in my head because my mind and body were telling me that I really could not take any more hurt. I don't know what to do. She never said she would stop corresponding with the OM, but also I did not ask cause I was scared of the answer. I did Confront the OM on the Phone on Re-DDay. More on that later. Anyway since my options are few as of now I am Have no choice but to cool my emotions and think rationally. Which is hard. Plan B is not an option for now. May be you all could help me fix this marriage, I don't know. I just don't think I can handle anymore hurt. Thanks for your Help it means so much to me now.

Well, at least you know what your options are. And in some ways you can start making some changes in your life to create more options.

Okay, I’m going to brain storm through this. Not all of these options will be good and some may be… immoral. But, let’s just list them to warm up brains. HO, please add your own.

Options:

1) Recruit wife to fix marriage. Obviously this is the very best option since you still love her. Maybe pointing out how much she stands to lose would help. And divorce could be exposure of the twins’ bio background. As a mother, I’m sure she’d like to avoid this.
2) Work toward divorce. In this option you would make decisions based on the fact that you want out of the marriage. Paying off a mortgage instead of a family vacation. Those kind of things.
3) Attempt to maintain your sanity while living with her but not put any effort into creating a happy marriage. But make the changes necessary so that you can kick the Wellbutrin.
4) Attempt to drive her into the arms of OM, preferably one wealthy enough so you don’t have to pay through the nose.
5) Become a celibate hermit where no one can find you
6) Find love elsewhere, preferably with an independently wealthy woman who would pay off your wife.
7) Suicide and murder.

Now, before anyone gets on their high horse, let me say, many people who seriously think of divorce, do so because they start to think suicide is an option. Neither murder nor suicide nor affairs are good choices. And the first two are incredibly evil. I put them out there because they show the worse case scenario of doing nothing in a failing marriage year after year.

So, for the sake of argument, let’s assume you are a reasonable moral person and numbers 4, through 7 are completely out. (If suicide looks viable, please call your psychiatrist immediately.)

That still leaves three that I thought of, besides those you thought of. While we’re waiting for you to figure out if you want to try to save the relationship you have with your wife, let’s work on number 3.

Doing all the housework is not an option. Too stressful. It’s time to start taking care of yourself. Pick a couple of things you hate. Tell your wife “Honey, I really can’t do x,y,z any more.” Do not ask her to do them. Just tell her that you can’t. If she asks you can say it causes you too much distress.

Next, we organize the children. I know it’s easier if they don’t get conflicting messages. Ask your wife if she agrees with your rules for the children. and say you’d appreciate her enforcing your reasonable rules. Unreasonable rules are POJA.

Now, my youngest is 4.5. And she loves to help. My 7 year old hates to help. But I’ve organized them into a team. We all make lunches together. We layout clothes. They spray the spots on soiled clothing prior to me sticking them in the machine. They dust, albeit badly. They set the table and help clear.

Can I tell you how much easier my life is? The older ones may resist. But I point out the hidden benefits. Clean rooms are pleasanter. A well-rested Mommy is nicer. When we all pitch in there’s more time for fun and games. And I try to get creative. For a while, we’d do scavenger hunts. I’d send the girls out for all the cups. All the Barbie clothes, or some other item. And I’d pay a penny for each item found.

A great place too for learning how to build routines is www.flylady.com.

And finally, HO, who ever heard of dusting and vacuuming every night? Unless someone has severe allergies, let it go! Every other night, max. No one, but no one will know the difference in the house. But they’ll know the difference in you!

Did you follow Being Zen’s advice and find something you like to do? A hobby or something? If not, do so. You deserve a little time for you.

And remember, we’re routing for you.

Thanks GreenGables,
It just occurred to me, sorry brain working in saturation, Is your Login Name have anything to do with the films that chronicle the life of Ann of Green Gables? My wife just loved those and we have the video series. Anyway, Thanks for the suggestions, Options four through seven are definately out. I have been pretty much on cruise control the last few days. Fortunately, work has been busy so I don't always dwell on the state of my marriage. I have been pretty much doing what you suggested(item 3). As for the vacuuming very day, I cannot help it.. I have dark blue carpet and everything that gets on it shows, especially when the twins get a hold of cookies, chips or crackers. The Mrs. Just called and made the comment how her home is destructed ( duh I used to do it all, Sorry sarcasm there), and I asked her what she meant by "her" home. She said that when it is my home it is clean and such, she claims that I used to rant and rave at the kids for leaving messes all over the place. Now granted it has only been two days that I have not done the complete cleaning of the house, but gosh I think she is now realizing how much I do do. On the other hand she might not care what state the house is knowing that I can only take so much until I break down and clean it. I do not consider myself to be compulsive or anything but would like to have the home in a condition that I would not be embarrassed if someone decided to drop by that's all. I mean a few toys laying around is no big deal, but food smashed into the carpet is another. She has been telling me that she loves me, even calls me her Huney Bunney and such, but I am oh so skeptical of the true meaning behind her actions. We had relations last night, and I realized while the act was taking place that I do not feel the same way about her anymore. It is just gone, the feelings that I once harboured. Will I ever be able to get those back? I know it has been less than a week since I found the evidence, so I probably will be told by the forum to give it time. I will.. Have for many years. As far as what I am going to do, yes I am going to start doing more for me, no doubt about that. I need to find myself again. The plan I have started to formulate will take 5 years to completion. By that time the middle children will be off to college ( I hope) and she cannot take me for child support there. Also, having a rental house that I manage the funds on I willl start to drastically pay down my debt. Hopefully she will not open new account in my name and rack up the charges. Cant really stop her as the attorney said, but maybe she will buy into the fact that we need to debt free except the Mortgage by then. Realistically, she could divorce me at any time and all bets are off anyway, so I will buckle down and try to prevent that from happening as thee outcome would be the same as if I filed. Call me the plan A doormat for the next five years. I will say this though, I will never put myself in this precarious of a situation again. Heck when I think back 6 years ago when she told me she was pregnant I should have listened to my father and divorce her then. I would have most likely gotten the two middle children due to the laws in my state on adultry. I don't know.......
So at this point I am really not in recovery and cannot really afford to divorce her, so should I start posting in the Paln A/B section? Hey, thanks again for your advice and concern. As It is I look forward to getting ideas form others that may help me salvage my marriage and make it fulfilling relationship.

I do hope others will weigh in.

Maybe K would grace us with his wisdom.

As far as the credit cards... maybe you could get one of those monitoring services. And as soon as she opens one, simply close it. If your name is on it, you can close it.

Although I don't know how she can put your name on it without your signature.

There must be a sneaky way to make her look less appitizing to the credit card villians that wouldn't hurt you.

I know what you mean about crushed food. LOL. And I knwo what you mean about not being embarassed. For years, I was totally embarassed. There were stacks of books, papers, and general clutter everywhere in my house. It was a nightmare.

I'm only begining to realize how bad it was because everyone who comes in says "Oh, it looks lovely, Annie."

It's kind of like not realizing how fat you are until you lose weight and everyone says "Oh, you've lost a lot of weight!"

And I think you're right about the Honey Bunny stuff. I'd be guarded too. Pet names are easy. Demonstrating care is harder and takes effort and postponement of gratification.

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask posters to put some thought into your situation.

I feel one person's opinion, who has no experience with physical affairs, is not a good sample.

Oh, I’m an Anne with an E who loved the books. Plus my birthday is in March like the character’s. But alas, I do NOT have red hair. Although I’ve tried twice.

GreenGables,
I do not mind if you illicit help for me from other posters at all. I need al the advice I can get so I can absorb it, process it and make a decision based on my unique situation. I know she is not supposed to able to open CC's in my name, but in a community property state I am pretty much tied. Another thing that she recently did that erroded my trust was to opena student loan account for her daughter under her SS#. Back when she brought up the issue I told her we could not afford 15K more in debt to send the oldest to a private college. Well at the time, the Biological father of the stepdaughter (who is a master manipulator) convinced the wife that he would take the loan out himself. Well it turns out his credit blowed when he applied. The stepdaughter was already approved to enroll but lacked the funds since it wasout of state. Without me knowing she took out the loan under her SS# and repeatedly told me that the paperwork coming to our from the Loan corp was only being sent because she agreed to keep for the Bio dad of the stepdaughter. She repeatedly told me we are not responsible for the money and that the Bio-Dad would pay the loan. I get home much to late to get the mail so as these advices kept coming for most of 2003. I only saw them periodically when she left them out. What was wierd was that although they came addressesd to the Mrs. they did not have his name on them at all. I confront again, she lies and tells me that if I want she can call up the college and verify he is resposible for the loans. I let it go, as I want to trust her , but that sinking feeling was always there. Anyway, just about a month ago my car was in the shop and I was using hers and lo and behold what do I find among a stack of mail on the floorboard, another advice. I open it up, and BAM she's busted, itis a 1098e from the Loan corperation, all there with her name only and her SS# attached. My initial reaction was anger, "she has been lying to me for over a year!" I confront her, she cannot deny the 1098E. I asked why did she lie to me? If the Boi-dad could'nt get the loan, and we had to under the Guise he would pay I would have at least written up a contrac to make sure he was good to his word and protect us if we had to go to court to get him to pay. Nope, this master manipulator who did financially support his daughter his daughet for close to 13 years is good for 15K? I felt like A chump, at the time I told the wife that her deception was almost as bad as an affair. Broke my heart. She got on the defensive and said she would have done it again to ensure her daughter would get an education? I said what? I cannot beleive your telling me this? The daughter could have stayed here and basically got her tuition and books payed for by the Scholarship programs in the state I live in. Instead you take out another 15K in debt payable over 190 payments on the assumption Mr. Boi's word is good? I reminded
her that she had to turn him in to friend of the family court system to get child support from for the last three years before she turned 18. Never mind that I essentially raised his daughter, provided health and dental for her over the years. I am off on a tangent and get so MAD she lied to me. She also came up with some lame excuse that she thought he would pay it off before I found out as he is EXPECTING a big settlement from his former job because he had a stroke While working. I was so amazed that I just walked away from her and told her she must think I am a chump. Hurt me to the core. But that is just another topping on the cake of our relationship. The first payment is due in April and it comes to 151.00 for like 190 payments. I am driving a 14Y.O. auto and she does this. Anywho, I am all fired up again, can you all give me a suggestion how to deal with tonight, as I am sure she did not do any housework and will leave it for me. She does this stuff and it make me so resentful. Thanks for reading. Oh and as far as the OM goes he said he was coming out here next month to deal with me Man to man. I cannot get in a physical altercation as if I am arrested for violence I could lose my job. more on that if youre interested. Thanks

HumbleOne,

I don't have the time to respond in a detailed way about this. My heart goes out to you. Take suicide off the option list. I personally would probably leave murder on the table for a while...

I would suggest that you contact a local Fathers' rights organization and attempt to set up a situation where you can get your wife out of the house legally. Talk with your lawyer about this as well. Bait her into battery. Hope that her OM causes you trouble, and that you can sink her with a conspiracy charge. I see no real way to save this marriage, and can't really see a way for you to stay in it and remain sane for your children's sake. Be careful to document everything she's doing, you're going to need it.

Ugh...

Thanks K,
Not to worry Suicide is NOT an option. Despite the fact that I was run over twice possibly more by her over the years, I do know that there is someone out there that will love me and treat me with respect. I have grown so much over the years..emotionally that is. A little bummed that even you think that my marriage is unsalvageable. I have started the documentation process, as the attorney suggested, Have completely 180'd on my behavior at home with regards to the kids. I have not yelled or raised my voice for 7 days now. Sort of mainained a consistant demeanor. The attorney did suggest if I filed divorce the gameplan would be try to get her out of the house ASAP. I just cannot afford the divorce right now, It would financially ruin me and possibly cause me to lose my employment. How could losing the house, and Job benefit the kids? As far as baiting the her to strike at me , have any ideas? She obviuosly is cool as a cucumber, she obviously is a calculating individual and I don't think she would do that.I am thinking of getting a voice activated recorder to put under the house and under the seat of her car. If the OM does fly across the country to start a confrontation, I will not put my job in jeopardy by getting in a physical confrontation, as much as I would like to throttle the piece of manure. My best bet would be to catch her in another affair, as that would be the ticket I need to get the children and keep the house. In my state, adultry is still considered a crime and judges look down on that kind of behavior. A coworker recently got divorced and had PI evidence of the affair. He got the house, kids, and kept his retirement. Funny things is that his EX's affair did not last long after the divorce was final. She is miserable to boot. Now I am not vindictive in the least, I just wish she would leave me the two middle children and leave. Problem is that I do love her. I am torn...really torn.... 15 years down the tubes..6 of which have been a total lie. Thank goodness I am on 300mg of Wellbutrin. the day before yesterday I finally cried for the first time on the way home. Heard a Lincoln Park song and I just lost it..Had to pull over as I was a blubbering crybaby. I did pull myself together enough not appear all red faced when I got home. It really suck having your stomach in a constant knot. Thanks for responding, I'll keep everyone posted.

Thank goodness, you responded, K. I was unable to access internet for a while. And I’m way over my head on this one. And you know that I was NOT recommending the last four options. Especially not murder or suicide. Unfortunately though, many, many of us consider suicide when are marriages make life on earth a torment.

And, the horrible sickness of depression can mask the selfish evil that suicide really is.

I never really wanted to kill my STBX, but I did want to hit him with the frying pan I was putting away. Luckily, I refrained and simply left 4 days later. It’s a pity that you, HO, can’t just walk away.

As for the loan, I would do as K suggested and document everything. I’m beginning to think “common property” is a bane. Her debts are yours, but you can do nothing to stop her from accumulating them. URGH!

Do you have an accountant, financial type friend? You don’t want to ruin your own credit, but can you let her ruin hers without affecting yours? As in simply not pay?

And won’t there need to be another 15K for the next three years?

I know the pain must be tremendous. The one you look to for comfort and the good things in life seeming to destroy you emotionally and financially. But I doubt she’s doing it intentionally. It sounds like you’re dealing with someone who believes “What he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him.” And while she’s acting against your wishes, she probably believes that it’s okay to lie about it because her opinion and wishes are right.

Humble One, I offer no advice. Mine could be only of limited value. I think you need a roadmap of how to best protect yourself, but I can’t give you one.

The only piece of wisdom I can offer is this: The Universal Divine Life Force (call it God if you will) flows through everything, and all will come to fruition in its time. As mere mortals, we have only a limited view of the Life Pattern, ours and others. We think we know what would be best for us, and at what time. But we are wrong. God sees the pattern, he is the pattern. And because he’s all good, he’ll do what’s best, and the pattern will turn to good in the end.

Out of darkness he shall bring forth Light.

So, hold on to that glimmer as you struggle through this morass of fetid waste. You will get to the other side. It just stinks along the way.