I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. We are engaged to be married. He told me that he looks at porn after I had to fix our computer at home because he downloaded some bad stuff off the net. I told him how I felt about it and he basically told me to deal with it - that he will not ever stop. It does make me think he doesn't get satisfied when we make love. I know he loves me, but cannot comprehend this need for porn. I thought we had an active sex life already. I just cannot imagine him wanting more. I have told him how this looks to me but he tells me that it is curiosity.<p>I need some advice. I really do not know what to do. I am trying to understand, but the thoughts linger that he wants someone else in his life. He tells me this isn't true either...that he gave me an engagement ring because I am the one he wants to marry but yet I feel like he may be lying to me because I know for a fact, he has signed up online to meet someone else.<p>Can someone shed some light on this?<p>Chips

Hey chips! Are you ready for this? It could be ugly. Porn satisfies a visual/fantasy need (warped though it may be) You're living together so how is your sex life apart from the actual physical sex? Do you tease and tantalize? Wear slinky and sleazy under things? Or is it lights out and the missionary positon? If your love life lacks pizzaz and passion before actual sex spice it up! Different approaches, different positions. And ask him what he wants and work to that end. If these things aren't happening that could be why he's into porn. If these things ARE happening he has issues that need counselling.

The whole purpose of dating is to determine if the person you are involved with shares the same values and morals as you do. You have red flags coming at you from all directions. I am not one who is interested by porn so I can't even begin to tell you why I think he maybe doing this. However, many, many relationships are distroyed by it as well as having a partner you spends way to much time in the internet. It should be pretty obvious to you that he does not care much about your feelings. Ask yourself these three questions, Do I want to be married to this for the rest of my life? What would I advise my daughter to do if she were in that situation? Is this the kind of man I want to have children with? When it comes right down to it, it's not the engagement ring or the warm body in your bed that matters. It's whether or not you really want this to be your life. I'm not going to bother to suggest that he get some counseling, because I don't get the impression that he would even listen. Good luck.

Thanks jerryweatherford and circemyth66 for your input. As far as the advice, I am still confused. However, I know that his dad does the same thing so that maybe the problem. Our sex life is great. We try new positions and I come on to him all of the time. The only thing I do not do is wear sexy lingerie...I just do not feel comfortable in them. I will give it a try if it means keeping someone that I love interested in me. I do not think that he will stop but I talked to him tonight and asked him to at least have the courtesy to delete the sites visited each time. At least when it is out of site, I do not think about it.<p>I am also trying someone out. I think that if I were to start my own list of porn sites with naked men that he might quit. Sometimes when the other is doing something that they do not expect, they quit themselves. I do not actually plan on going to these sites but I have friens who know of some and I can list them on a notepad and leave it out in plain view.<p>Goodluck to anyone else with the same problem.

May I say... when a potential spouse already is making a stand in their favor even if it is upsetting you.. this means trouble to me and you have ot even hit the low of a marraige yet.. not that all marriages have lows.. but trully already he does not even consider your feelings.. Please
please reconsider your future with this man.. he seems hell bent on his way or the highway on a sensitive topic..
state your needs.. if he remains stubborn on thr porn topic.. then it is over and count it as a blessing that you found out soon that he had issues..
you are NOT worng in stating your needs.. Expect them to be met.. It is not unresonable to be displeased with a an if he is getting way into porn..
Please proceed with caution..
and Keep posting ith helps [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] :

Hi, Especially if his dad does this, he will probably never stop. Yes, his dad is part of the problem, but your fiance is a big boy now, that makes his own decisions... I suggest counseling for the two of you regarding the issues... I think he needs to stop and you two need to fill his need together... so talk to him about this... it is likely he thinks this is norm and what men do... all men do not... but I happen to be married to a man, whose dad did, and now he does... I fear what he will teach my boys as they grow older.<p>I am sorry you are going through this,... it will get worse in marriage, so do not take this warning sign lightly... right now, your choices are open.... you do not have to put up with this blatant refusal to respect you. I do not think your list is a good way of handling it at all... it could be a good joke, but I bet it would get him "turned on" that you looked at the sites... in fact he might want to start looking at them together... my husband got very excited when he got me to look at the books... early in our marriage...,mags I mean... and later the internet came... <p>Be careful, this is a sign of other problems to come, including fidelity issues.. I thought my Husband of 10 yrs... and boyfriend 7 yrs prior was faithful... and now here I am in my 10th yr of marriaGe finding out about an affair... and not just one... but other multiple one nighters. Be careful... it is a sign that he has problems... although I seriously wonder about all men...and these sites, etc. I think it is hard for them to ignore them.<p>Do the two of you have a spiritual foundation for your marriage... I would strongly look into that... if you do not have it already.. this is the best weapon... against these evils- is a strong relationship with God for both of you and to base your marriage on that.<p>I am again sorry for your pain in this discovery, it can lead to a lot more serious trouble.... so be careful.<p>HONEY

Thanks honey and 630 for your advice. He brought it up to me this weekend because of my list of sites and made up email addresses. He was upset in this case and thought I might be cheating on him. I leveled with him and told him that I was only trying to get him to see the harm it can cause. My idea worked. He told me to set up the computer to where no one could access the wrong type of sites.<p>I have never seen him act so humble and apologetic. He did think that all men do this and as long as you look and do not touch, then all should be ok. After he got his dose of medicine, he realized my point of view.<p>We stayed up late Saturday night to resolve this matter and I feel so much better. We both are making an arrangement to see our priest for counseling.

Chips, Do not marry this man until you have resolved this issue. You are living together and you say that your sex life is great so it seems that this is an addiction for him. If you have done much reading on this site you will see that porn causes so much heartache in a relationship. I see this as a huge red flag. If your man thinks that looking at this even though it upsets you is ok as long as he does not "touch" then you will deal with the issue of lust towards other women and disrespect towards you in your M. Is that ok with you? If not, you should get the counseling that you mentioned but also seriously rethink living with or marrying this guy. A wedding ring is not going to make this issue go away, BE CAREFUL! Ladysing

He knows how I feel now. And I have taken measures to keep anyone in the house from surfing any bad sites (as per his request). And yes, we are getting counseling together. He really is trying. Once he was in my shoes, he understood me. Thanks Ladysing58 for your advice, but he is worth marrying. The only problem we have had is this issue and now we are working on resolving it.

Chips.. I had to get a new name.. so this one is close..enough..
Great.. Im glad you have made some progress in this issue..
Let me say after being married for 10 years ,living together for one. and now having 2 children.. ..Once trust has been shaken.. let alone broken.. it is very hard to get back..
You should not have to play mind games.. give people doses of their own medicine ect. to make them see a poing.. My H for one. has no interest in porn.. and its a good thing. I WOULD NEVER tolerate it..
Of course he had other issues.. so you see.. everyone seems to have something to deak with.. His was drug related..
but all this to say.. If you feel confortable now.. like you have resove.. then move ahead.. toomany bumps in the road denote.. a warning sign.. And I for one should have headed the warning signs.. if it is somenwhat difficult now.. believe me it gets worse after marriage..
Good luck.. and Keep posting like i said..

My fiance' really is a great guy. Sometimes it takes longer than I would like for him to understand my point of view, but once I get my point across, he comes around. No matter who you are with, there are problems of some sort. I know in my heart that I wouldn't put up with it if he still felt that viewing porn was ok. Since he agrees with me, then we are fine. I am not saying we will not ever have anymore problems but he and I usually balance each other out and yes we do make mistakes but we learn from them and correct the situation.

My feeling is that this issue has been resolved much too quickly. Yes, he recognizes that it hurts you. But that doesn't mean he will be able to control or stop this addiction. That's why it is called an addiciton. Most people with them recognize they have one, feel guilty about it, yet it is so hard to change on control it!<p>At least he has agreed to couseling. That's the first step. Just don't believe that this is a simple matter that can be resolved in one or two sessions...

This is in response to Shannon1's comment. My fiance' really knows he did something wrong and did not understand fully how it made me feel until the tables were turned. I know it seems like he was too quick to change but it isn't like that at all. He admitted he understood how I felt and is doing everything he can to resolve it including...internet restrictions and counseling. Most guys wouldn't even admit that there was a problem but he did and is doing something about it.<p>We have a very open relationship and when he listens to how I feel then we are a great pair.<p>We are seeing the priest and are working out issues and are making positive tracks rather than negative ones.

ok...I just know how hard an addiction is to control. Because I have one. I am addicted to the Internet myself (not porn!)...I recognize this, and I know it's interfering with my life...but it's so hard to stop...even though I'll get into that mindset like I'm going to take precautions to stop myself...it fails.

chips-
why did he sign up to meet someone online? That seems like a big red flag to me...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by jerryweatherford:
<strong>Hey chips! Are you ready for this? It could be ugly. Porn satisfies a visual/fantasy need (warped though it may be) You're living together so how is your sex life apart from the actual physical sex? Do you tease and tantalize? Wear slinky and sleazy under things? Or is it lights out and the missionary positon? If your love life lacks pizzaz and passion before actual sex spice it up! Different approaches, different positions. And ask him what he wants and work to that end. If these things aren't happening that could be why he's into porn. If these things ARE happening he has issues that need counselling.</strong><hr></blockquote>

He can't access porn at home, but can he do it at work? A friend? His Dad's? Addictions don't go away over night. My H said he wouldn't smoke pot because I was against it and he loved me so much. It took me a year to find out he was hiding it behind my back. Be very, very careful. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]