It has been a very interesting 4 days. My son turned 10 on Wednesday and we had a small family party at his Dad's house. I was there and had a pleasant time with MIL and all the cousins and babies (9 adults & 6 children). DH was nice and we were even friendly to one another. Everyone left and I stayed around for about an hour just talking about our sons and granddaughter.
On Thursday I had a 30 minute phone conversation with DH, again about DS school behavior and subsequent meeting with the principal. The feeling tone was one of concern and we were a united front.
On Friday when I picked up DS for the weekend DH was again amicable. This is so strange since he usually ignores me or we get into a big argument.
On Saturday I called to say that my DS and I were coming over for some clothes (brand new birthday outfit) so we could go to a play. I walked in and there was OW!
DH and I are still married, been separated for 14 months. He has been 'seeing' her for a year.
Can this be considered an affair?
Should I give him a wide berth and ignore the situation?
Should I pitch a 'royal b-tch'?
On Saturday I totally ignored her. DH seemed a bit nervous and was always in front of me as if to intercept any moves on my part. I was too shocked to do anything. I had thought that their relationship was over because I had not heard anything about it since New Year's.
I guess he's in total withdrawal and that why we haven't been fighting.
Can I/should I work on this relationship by myself?
Totally confused.

Hi -
I'm sorry this is happening to you, and especially your child. There are much better folks than I to listen to - But I'm guessing we're talking Plan A minimum or a Plan B right away. I'm leaning to Plan B - Protect YOU and any good feelings that are left.
I'll pray for you as well. I'm not sleeping these days and prayer really does seem effectivE
SeekingBetter

Since you are on D/D board, I will assume you are divorcing. If this is what you want, you will need to deal with OW.

The recent communications regarding DS sound encouraging for a good co-parenting relationship. Try to maintain a civil relationship for your children.

Newly,
Thanks for your response. H told me he wanted a divorce on New Year's Eve. He hasn't done a thing about it. I'm not sure how to deal with the OW.
I'm beginning to think that he wants me to file first. But I don't want a divorce at all. I want to work on our relationship, but he doesn't.
MMQ

Newly,
Thanks for your response. H told me he wanted a divorce on New Year's Eve. He hasn't done a thing about it. I'm not sure how to deal with the OW.
I'm beginning to think that he wants me to file first. But I don't want a divorce at all. I want to work on our relationship, but he doesn't.
MMQ

SeekingBetter,
Thanks for you response. I wonder how to do Plan B when one is constanly talking about the children?
I know I can stay out of his house, places I know he will be at. But it is a fairly small town and we are in the same profession and constantly running into each other.
How to deal with OW?
MMQ

Spoke to H yesterday. He said he spoke to a lawyer.
He will pay for the divorce if I don't contest. I said we needed to talk. We have a date for Thursday. Originally, I wanted to talk about our relation. I still want to work on our relationship. Please advise.

Spoke to H yesterday. He said he spoke to a lawyer.
He will pay for the divorce if I don't contest. I said we needed to talk. We have a date for Thursday. Originally, I wanted to talk about our relation. I still want to work on our relationship. Please advise.

I walked in and there was OW!
DH and I are still married, been separated for 14 months. He has been 'seeing' her for a year.
He's likely been seeing her for 18 months, not a year.

Can this be considered an affair?
Sure. You are still married and I would bet paychecks that it is the cause of your separation.

On Friday when I picked up DS for the weekend DH was again amicable.
So he gets them during the week?

Since he is having an affair AND he has the kids (at least sometimes) you need to lay down the law. ABSOLUTELY no ow around the kids at ANYTIME!

Read the links below.

Chris,
I do hope you are wrong about the timing of the A. I will try to find out more tomorrow when I speak to H. You are right about the contact of my children with OW. I will put my foot down on that tomorrow.
WRT the links, the only one I'm not familiar with is the 'plan your own...'. I will read it tonight.
Thanks for your response. I hate to whine, but this is a responsive board.

I do hope you are wrong about the timing of the A.
I could be. But almost always, there is not a separation in a marriage with children unless there is someone else.
Why did you separate to begin with?

You are right about the contact of my children with OW. I will put my foot down on that tomorrow.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hate to whine, but this is a responsive board.
Whine all you want but you have to come up with your own cheese. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 03, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

We had the talk last night. It was one of the saddest nights of my life. H does not want to work on relationship. He says we failed in our relationship and should put it to death. He does not want me to know his business. (I actually know that OW started calling her old boyfriend again and that he is doing everything in his power to get her back, but I didn’t tell H.) Anything I said he judged and criticized. He wants his instruments, any family photos, and some artwork. He’ll sign over titles to 2 old cars, a quitclaims on the house, but wants me to pay all the credit card debt. And not to take 10yo DS from him. He always wants him during the week and we’ll share the summer. (Basically the same schedule that OW has with her 10yo S.
He asked me what I wanted and I said I wasn’t ready for a D. I wanted to work on the relationship. I think a big LB for us is dishonesty. He says he was passive for the 28 years we were together. (He was actually verbally and emotionally abusive and independent.) I was to have been passive-aggressive (I was actually withdrawn from the angry outbursts.) I was sent a post on ‘tough love’ and if I have to want to leave this relationship, let it be with some dignity.
He is desperate enough to agree to attend couples counseling to terminate the relationship. We will always be in a relationship because of the children and I want it to be as honest as possible.
Advise needed.

He does not want me to know his business.
Course he doesn’t.

And not to take 10yo DS from him.
He should be involved in your son’s life BUT your son should IN NO WAY be around ow AT ANY TIME!

We will always be in a relationship because of the children
Maybe.

Have you read “Surviving An Affair”?

MMQ
I agree with Chris (as usual) on most all of what he said. In answer to a couple of other things you said.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can I/should I work on this relationship by myself </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">.
Yes you can but it's more difficult. Steve Harley can give pointers and if you aren't already seeing a counselor you might want to consider making an appointment with him - the contact number is here on this website somewhere.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We will always be in a relationship because of the children </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably so...you will be grandparents together, assuming your kids continue to have any contact with him at all.

Finally, it is GREAT that you continue to reiterate that you want to work on the relationship. Don't give up yet.

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Sometimes I wonder if working on the relationship is worth it.
I just got off the phone with H. I had told him that I had a conference to go to tomorrow over a month ago. He said he would keep DS overnight and on Sat. during the day. Well now he tells me that I’m too busy to be with my DS, that he’s not senile I did not talk to him at all, and to stay away all weekend. I try hard not to respond with LBs but it is difficult. I know he’s upset because he can’t be with OW.