Okay - I know I bid my goodbyes last week when I posted that my marriage was over. I need you guys again though.I had posted early on about a wee bit of H and me & troubles. It really hurts when someone you love looks you straight in the eye and says "I don't want to be with you anymore". At anyrate - this is what I would like to ask for advise on. Married July '00, H owns business for 15 yrs, is good with $, stocks / Mutual funds/ etc. Question is: If we have been together only this length of time, does that negate any of my deserve for equitable distribution? He wants out so bad he says, he just can not live with me and he said he saw an attorney the other day that told him not to worry about me getting anything in the divorce - - because he had it all before we married. H says he would like to put me back financially "the way i was when we met". In my mind, I don't think that is right. I didn't marry him just to stay married 3 or 4 years, I married him to grow old with. He says because we were not married that long that I may get a little. In my thoughts - I am so hurt and surprised at his decision to be "free & happy". His company has the potential to make mega bucks in the future... what would have been our future... but me, I have hit the $ ceiling in my profession (secretary)! Yip-Freakin-EE!
I would just like to know what a mediator looks at - that's what he wants to do is go to a mediator. I get to choose one and believe me I am going out of this county. But he just dosn't think I deserve much at all. Because his business needed a tax write off - we traded in my little PAID for car on a new 04 car. It is in his businesses name and was bought 1-for the tax reason and 2-so that I would have something reliable to travel to back and forth to FL to check on my dad (mom passed in Sept. So now according to him - I either keep the new car and pay for it or trade it in on an older car I can possibly afford when i am on my own. I boil inside sometimes. He took our future and flushed it down the toilet. We had problems, but I was trying hard to get it all worked out. Maybe I was just too late. But anyway - WishIwerehome - I like your words when you reply - I hope you reply to this post. thanks anyone and everyone for your help. I just need help.
SS

Just needed to add to the question(s) above - - we are still living in the same house. He is coming and going without saying 1 word to me. It hurts. Like right now - My daughter and I went out this afternoon just to get out of the house so H and his son (my stepson)could spend time in the house alone together. So we got back home at around 3:30 p.m. and now it is 8:30 p.m. I know he had to have son home by 4;30 - so here I sit all alone, dark, big house, wondering - -where is my husband. He said last week, when he stayed gone all day - he went to 4 aa meetings. that is what he says he does. This morning at 6:00 a.m. he left with the lights off on the car. Got home about 7:30 or so. I ask - probably shouldn't have - - but asked why he thought he had to sneak out in the wee hours of the morning. He smirked and said he just didn't want to wake up anyone. He has moved into his daughters (my step daughter) old room up stairs. It is really hard living under the same roof iwth a man i love and want nothing more than to stay married to. He just wants to be rid of me. It hurts so bad. I do not have family here, few friends and am pretty shy when it comes to meeting and mingling. He owns his own business and is very social. This is my marriage #3. 1- I was 17, left home and moved here. had baby - she's grown (21). 2ND MARRIAGE - 5 YEARS- DIFFERENCT GOALS FOR LIFE. NOW THIS ONE. I feel like I have failed so greatly. I am going to the dx in the morning to get my hormones checked. that is what H says - - I am too up and down for him to deal with. Just looking for some input. Thank you all.

Sorry guys. It's 10:15 p.m. and guess who just came home. Quite as a mouse. Now he is upstairs in his new room. I don't know how much longer I can play this crazy game. My heart hurts.

So you mention volatility, inconsitency. What ways do you perceive that? What ways does he perceive it? In what ways are you oppostional, refusing not-too-difficult requests? What ways can yo work on your ups and downs together? When you are down, what does that mean to H? What compromises can be worked out for when you are down, his needs don't get completely ignored?

What have you tired on the 180 Degree Divorce Busting, what worked, what didn't?

What about the 10 emotional needs? Which ones are you trying to meet? Which ones is he meeting? What important needs are not being met?

You are talking about what you can get from your H, Money, Lifetime support, good business judgement, etc. What are you offering H? What kind of a job can you get that will give you a good pension for retiremetn yourself? Can you apply for a government job? Can yo take accounting or paralegal courses to advance your career?

My wife thinks she can just say any discouraging comments that come to her mind, and I am not walking out the door. So far, she has been right, but I am now leaning toward leaving.

Whaler

I am not sure I understand your post. The thing is that he has basically shut down toward me. There is no reconcile in view. So many options have been offered, seperation, living apart for a time, etc.. We went to counseling 2xs - 2nd time he was so far away in his mind. He left saying "I am okay, I don't need to come back here, I just can't live with her, end of story". and he walked out. I have severe mood swings every month. So bad for example that one weekend when step son was over - I had to leave the house for a day just so I would not be around. The thing that I was running from that day was to be able to remove myself from the situation. The son (11) has no boundaries, no discipline, and not until H decided he could not continue being married to me - did he spend any quality/quantity time with son. All of that bothered me. Anyway - some of my earlier posts might reveal a bit more to you about the household situation. But at any rate - I just wanted someones input on how to deal with the present situation. We live in the same house, he is coming and going as he wants. Sneaking out with the car lights off at 6 am, came home last night at 10:30, took a shower at 11:30, I mean - I know I sound like a secret agent - - but this hurts. Watching him remove himself from us. I am clueless as to what is happening in his life. He has not told anyone in his family. I just wanted some input from outside sources.

I have read a few more of your posts.

It seems that the questions of a monetary settlement of a divorce would be best answered by a lawyer working on your behalf. Most lawyers work an geting the best deal for you in divorce, but your interest seems to be getting the marriage going again.

The secretive actions that you describe and the cutting off of communication indicates that he is hiding something, and generally taking a sneaky approach. This could be a drug problem. Usually one rehab program is insufficient to cure a drug addiction problem, it takes several different programs. It is hard to be nice when you are feeling snookered.

It does not sound like the marital bedroom is functioning at all. Start with sexualforums.com and www.themarriagebed.com

Have you participated in Al Anon groups? There are a number of groups which meet at various times all over the country, listed on the Web. The concept they talk about is ENABLING. In order to be sure that you are not feeding into the pattern of addiction, you need to identify those actions that are enabling, and work out ways to avoid those enabling things. It sounds like you had a good result when you walked out of the house fro a day. Congratulations. The Inimate Enemy books recommend having cool off strategies worked out, so this can be done with minimal discomfort to the parties, and minimal disruption of the everyday activities.

You have a lot of seemingly legitimate complaints from the past that can kick in at most any time as the situation or conversation turns in that direction. I just told my wife when she was going on complaining, "Well I had some ideas to present to you, but I guess this is not a time that you are interested in hearing my ideas." She did not invite me to discuss my ideas on the subjects she raised. It sounds like the morning may be a key time for your husband. The morning before getting up is often overlooked by wives as an opportunity to create a rewarding pleasure palace. Perhaps that period could be a guaranteed time of no issues being discusses. Knock on his door at 5:3o AM, and try it out, if 6 am is leaving early.

Sounds tough.

<small>[ February 23, 2004, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>