Well March 18 the divorce that my soon to be ex (WS) started is suppose to be final. My WS parents live basically right across the street from the house that my WS and I bought together. As you can tell I stayed in the house and she moved out. Today I was outside talking to my dad and my brother in my driveway when my WS pulled into her parents drive. Well I couldn’t help but to notice it was her. I was talking with my brother and my dad in the driveway at the time she pulled up to her parent’s house. I noticed there were two people in the car and they didn’t get out of the car right away. They sat in there a bit then they got out. Well I saw my WS go into her parent’s house and she had her new guy with her. My WS didn’t look at me at all but I noticed her new guy give me a bit of a look. I know after so many months (two years) of dealing with everything that I didn’t think this would bother me as much as it did. I can say I am disappointed in myself that it has bothered me this much. It really did hurt seeing her with this other guy and I kind of feel as if she is rubbing my nose in this at this point because why else would she show up at her parents house with her new guy when I still live right across the street from them?
It this normal? I really wish it didn’t bothered me but it did and still is. One thing this has showed me is that small amount of hope that was left is pretty much been thrown out the window with seeing that. Can anyone suggest how I deal with this? I feel hurt inside and I feel helpless that I can’t do anything about it to make me feel different.
Seeing what I saw was a lot harder then I ever thought it would. I am the type of person that I much rather not see her any more because it makes things easier for me. Any suggestions?? Help…..

OUCH! That would be difficult. In my situation I have good days and bad days...but...looking back on my marriage... my wife really was not very kind to me, she made it plain that I was not of much value to her, her primary concern was the children and her business, she killed her privious relationship in a similar way, she tried to be nice to me because I paid the rent and the bills for her, she has her own income now so she does not need me anymore. I look forward to marrying a woman that will love me with her whole heart, and not put me as her last priority. There are real women out there who want real love from us, and we will find them in time. Our job is to look as good as we can, go and find places where we are exposed to groups of new people, and let the opposite sex know that we are intrested! you can do it, it will be great, and you will learn to be happy with yourself again. This is only the begining! But be more selective this time, make sure you are getting exactly the person you want, and yes, she is out there!

<small>[ February 23, 2004, 07:02 AM: Message edited by: Love my kids ]</small>

Well this "new guy" as I labeled him, well I am pretty sure this is the guy she cheated with and resulted in the marriage falling a part. It is really hard for me to bite my tongue and not say anything to this guy. I really feel like tossing the guy off a bridge or something like that. I know you might say what good will that do, I know, but I just have a lot of anger inside of me towards this guy and my soon to be ex-wife. I work out 4-5 times a weeek and it helps on the frustration and all but there is still something inside of me that was set off when I saw her and him.

CG,

I can understand why you feel that way.It makes your pain all the more real seeing the person that's helped destroy your marriage,if it is indeed him(OM).And the fact that your in-laws live right across the street...oh dear,that is tough.It also may be like one final stab to the heart that your WW couldn't at least wait until you're actually D to start bringing him around maybe? It also may have been just your "bad luck" being outside on the very day she pulls up with that OM.

I don't personally know if that feeling will lessen over time.I hope so.I don't have to worry about that type of scene playing out in my life but I know I would want to go ballistic on the OW too if she ever tried to get near my kids!Grrr.

It just never has to be alright in your heart and mind unless you want it to,but don't let it eat you up alive either.I know if my WH left me for the HW(homewrecker) I would be very glad never to see their faces again as long as I live.No "friendship",no nothing.That's life.Maybe next time you see her car pull in,make an about face and head inside for your own protection until you feel stronger...or move! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

O

I know it is hard. My ex had my boys this weekend and introduced them to her new man. Their counselor said to do it in TINY doses, 'Maybe a lunch.' She had him with them almost all weekend, EXCEPT for Saturday evening when she wanted me to take them so they could have some 'down time' ie she wanted him to stay the night since he is from out of town and she didn't want my boys cramping her style. Anyway, when she came to pick them up Sunday, she called me at home and said, 'Send them out, we are out front.' She was parked on the street so that he was on the other side of the car, away from the curb.

It is funny the juvenile actions that she takes. But it is of no real concern. It is what I dealt with for 14 years, and it just continues, different form of the same behavior.

But it was hard for me thinking that there is another man in my boys' lives. Not only that, but one who apparently has the same moral base as my ex, and is willing to go along with her immature behavior. It is through shear force of will that I am able to deal with her. I would like to respect her, but her behavior repeatedly gets in the way.

I hope that you find a good way to deal with it. I had a very hard time this weekend, but I knew that it was coming, sooner or later. My boys seem to have been OK. We will see if she stays with this guy, or if she ends up dumping/getting dumped by him. I fear that my boys are in for a tumultuous ride for the next several years.

I hope beyond hope that she can take them into account. I hope that she is happy, and that her life is better, because it will mean that my boys will have a better outcome through all this. It is hard to be happy for someone who has chosen the path she has in the way she has chosen it, but I truthfully wish her well. All I am thinking about are my boys. That is all I care about right now, and I pray that they will do well.

CG, let go of the anger. Your still angry, thats why it still pains you to see something as simple as the x with someone...anyone else. Take the high road. Don't obsess. Focus on what you can control - you'll be glad you did. Because when you do, you are in control of your mind and your mind is where monentum lives. And with your mind you can control and direct that powerful force of momentum. If you see things going from bad to worse, you're allowing momentum to flow against you. The instant you change that perception in your mind, you've already turned the momentum around in your favor. Momentum get its power from your perception of the past and of how that past relates to right now. The way to positivly direct your momentum is by seeing what is positive about the things that have already happened. You cannot change the past, yet any time you wish, you can change what you take from it. Simply by seeing the past as having moved you forward in some way, you've suddenly put the enormous power of momentum on your side. Change your thinking about the past and you'll improve the reality of where you are. The more thankful you are for what has come before, the more happy you'll be with what is yet to come. hang in there...it gets better.

Milsk1965...
I have thought a lot about it and I don't think it is anger. I think it is more the pain and a few other feelings all in one. I believe the biggest part of when I saw her with this other man and it affected me was during all of this everyone kept saying I was way too nice to her for how she treated me at that time as well as what she did. Now I realize that I was way too nice to her especially when she doesn't even have the respect not to bring this other man within 100 feet of where I am living. To me that was a slap in the face and just total disrespect. I was up to now letting her know when misc. bills came to the house for her as well as any type of ticket she may have gotten for parking, etc... Well it is apparent she doesn't give 2 cents about me nor my feelings any more, so I have taken the advice that you spoke of and for sure now there is no talking, no being friends, etc....
I can atleat control that part of what my actions are from here on out.
I just believe it will be far easier not to see her than to see her. So I hope she doesn't do that again with the otherman or atleast until I can move....

I would guess that the biggest part of this for you IS the lack of respect. To you, it's another sign that she has absolutely no respect for you. Been there, done that....way too much, with my STBX.

The thing to remember her, though it's kind of harsh, and in some ways as bad or worse than the lack of respect - it isn't her disrespecting you, per se, it's that you are not a consideration at all. Try not to let that bother you too much either though, because it isn't just you - it's the typical WS selfishness.

With my STBX, after he had moved out, he didn't tell his family, I did. And most of the family didn't really know what was going on, though I did inform his mother. His grandparents had been rather ill, and I'm sure no one bothered them with any of it - we didn't see them often enough for it to be a question of why I wasn't around.

Well, when his grandfather died, he didn't tell me about it until after the funeral. At the time, we were going to counseling, and he was lying to me and the counselor, saying he was living with a friend instead of with OW. The reason he claimed not to tell me was that he was really hurt by the fact that I didn't attend another grandparent's funeral a few months earlier (which I specifically told him that I would attend if he wanted, but I didn't want to show up and make things awkward for his family and him, so I would only go if he said he wanted me to. he didn't.) So, he didn't tell me because he was hurt, and because he figured I wouldn't go to this one either. But the real reason is - he took OW.

The point here is - can you see the selfishness? He didn't tell me, despite the fact that I would have wanted to know, because it might have messed up things for him. From talking to his mother after the fact, which is how I found out about all of this, he asked his mother if the family would care if he brought OW to the funeral. And the answer was that they were concerned it would really upset his grandmother (wife of the grandfather that had died.) Did he drop it? No, because it wasn't about anyone but him. He said "well, how about if I keep OW away from grandmother?" And his mother wasn't happy about it, but in the end, they ended up telling him to make sure they stayed away from grandmother.

Who takes a date to a funeral?!?!?!?!?

But this really wasn't disrespect for me, his grandfather, his grandmother, or his family. Well, not true, it was, but not directly. He wasn't intending to be disrespectful, even though he was. It's just that all he could see was his own selfish wants and needs, and not how they affect anyone else.

It stinks, I know, but it's obvious when they are like this that it is total selfishness mode. Try and think of it like it's an illness - in a way it is. Better yet, like if it's someone you love who's addicted to drugs. You do everything you can to get them out of it, but there comes a point in time where, if they won't give it up, you have to just get out of the way and save yourself from their destructive behavior.

And try not to let it tear you up, because you were only doing what you had to do to protect yourself.

Gosh...the one about the funeral drives it all home...fog crap at work again!

Sorry FC about that too btw.

I would just add here that it's to be expected completely.

And have all the revenge thoughts you want as long as they stay thoughts...

My advice?

Thank GOD that you are not suffering being married to somebody who so lightly takes their vows and promises..somebody who is so selfish they can do these caliber of things without any regard.

You are SOON TO BE A FREE MAN NOW! Halleluia!

Soon you will be free to heal from this wound and work toward a new future and one day you will find somebody that will be deserving of faithfulness and love.

SHE WILL PROBABLY DO THE SAME TO HIM.

It's my opinion that unless these foggy WS's change, then they're doomed to keep repeating the foggy crap they did to us over and over and over...same story different verse basically. So while you're moving on with your life, dating and spending time with people WORTHY OF YOUR TIME AND AFFECTIONS, this OM/idiot is being sucked in by somebody that deep down cares only for their self.

You have the chance to run and one day grab the brass rings in life but your x is doomed to keep doing the same crap and the OP is doomed to endure possibly the same pain that you went through...except this person deserves 100 percent of it...that may not sound very faith based of me, but I believe that stats regarding adultery and marriages that take place after adultery are proof in numbers of their alarming rate of failure.

This past Saturday I called H to say that my DS and I were coming over for some clothes (brand new birthday outfit) so we could go to a play. I walked in and there was OW!
DH and I are still married, been separated for 14 months. He has been 'seeing' her for a year.
I'm considering it an affair.
On Saturday I totally ignored her. DH seemed a bit nervous and was always in front of me as if to intercept any moves on my part. I was too shocked to do anything. I had thought that their relationship was over because I had not heard anything about it since New Year's.
I too have been asking myself what to do in this situation. I'm sure it won't be the last time that I see them together.
I too hurt. It hurts like the dickens.
I happen to know this woman, we were friends once. As a matter, H is the godfather to her eldest son.
The only consolation I have is that she will play my H as she played her husband. He will deserve all the pain she inflicts on him. The question is would I still be around to pick up the pieces?

c-g,
I know how you feel. My then w planned to take her om to get our son whne he was staying at her mothers for a week. This was less than 3 weeks after she moved out. I pitched a fit and she relented after I called her parents. She said her mother didn't have a problem with it. Her mother said w just said she was bringing him. FIL said om was not welcome in his house.

Don't take it personally. In her mind, your marriage has long been over. She is really not thinking about you.

Best thing you can do is take the high road. My x's om had the nerve to stare at me at the kid's events. I just ignored them. You can do the same.

I have read everything that everyone has said. I read it, I see it, I understand what everyone is saying, and the strangest part is I still can sit here and say I care for my WS. I am shocked I that I can still say that. I don't think I will ever trully understand why WS do what they do. I don't think I can ever say I will be 100% ok with all that has been done. I can say that I am learning to live with it better and better everyday. It is hard to let someone go when you know they are still around. At this point I am learning to accept that I don't have a choice any more in the marriage and my only choices are the things I can do on my own. I am still walking the high path and I just hope I don't get tired out from taking that one.

Just keep on loving her. Despite how much WH has hurt me, I know that deep down I love him and probably always will in some way or another. I think it's great that you can say that you still care for her. Of course you do, or seeing her with the OM wouldn't bother you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When stuff like this happens, try to quell the emotions at first so you can see clearly...

She'll probably do the same to OM. Stats aren't good for their relationship btw...

This works for me. Sure you can vent, cry in your pillow at night or whatever. But take a bit of time to breathe. Think about what is the reality...not what they WANT you to believe or any perceived idea of what's going on with them.

Reality: OM helped your W carry on with an affair and was active participant in lying and cheating..Not good way to start a romance with someone you truly value.

Question: Would somebody who's lied to their spouse before lie again to their lover? For sure they would.

Reality: Both have lied. Both W and OM are liars. Chance of lying again close to 100 percent if not completely 100 percent. If their conscience doesn't acknowledge what they've done and they one day don't learn from this...(having an affair and all the justifications and crap surrounding it so that it DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN) then they will probably make the same mistake again..and again..and again..

For me there was this loss of my comfort zone. I din't like or love my life at the time. But if you took what was my life back then, subtracted my h completely from the equation, I would have loved my life completely. I realize this now and see that it wasn't all that I was making it out to be.

So many times we become frozen and don't act on something or put up with somebody and very very negative behaviors because it would force us to have to change very big things in our lives..and that's not easy to do. I had to go back to work..Lost alot of material wealth. Spent last year and a half struggling as a single mom in city and state with no family nearby for support.

But...I gained self respect again. Got a good job. Learned something about humility and when to admit I am wrong. Learned who I am and what it is I do want in a relationship. Learned I am worth more than I thought I was and now demand to be treated accordingly by those I date. Learned that sometimes the smile of your child is worth far more than anything..Learned that i'd walk through fire for those I love. I am a better person for making it through this last year.

You're missing what exactly...your wife you say but do you really want this drama anymore? Don't you want someday someone you can trust implicitly? Peace and happiness. I think you are going through the mourning phase now and it's ok to remember the good times and feel pain now and then. But the bad times are why we ended up getting divorces in the first place.

Personally, I would move. I did just that. Moved about 15 minutes away to become "less accessible" to my xh. It was too easy for him to find out what I was doing, where I was, and anything else b/c he lived 5 min. away. Now I am 20 min. away and it's much more peaceful now and better boundaries. Your xw or stbxw can drive by and see your car, see what you're up to...who is over at your house when, etc..and has a good excuse..she's going to see her parents. You just happen to live across the street.

I'd move. It'd be a challenge to be able to do a good Plan B with her across the street from you...Focus on you now...take focus off of her. Work on you. Heal you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It is hard for me too.........
Today after having my 2 little girlrs for the last 4 days (ex wife is out of town on business),
her boyfriend came to pick up my girls to take them to the airport to pick her up.........
Now this is the guy that my ex was seeing while we were married (he is her co-worker, shocking huh), we were married 17 years.
She had me evicted from our home with r/o, and replaced me with the man she was seeing, in the last year she has not talked to me, other than brief phone conversations about the kids, every morning him and her drop off my kids at my house, and then pick them up.
He is there by her side at every of my kids events.
It is so hard..........no telling what lies she has told him about me.......he must think I am a monster.
So again this weekend I will have my kids at one of their events.....and yes him and her will be there (did I mention he lives with her and my kids now), at least they waited till the divorce to do that.
I will be there and so will her and the HOMEWRECKER..........
It is just so hard seeing them.........never being apologized to or explained why to.........
How she just really continues to keep on hating me and wanting to control me by this r/o she still has on me.........she can call me.......but I can't call her......I have to worry about where I go, am I near her........Just think what this weekend will be like......I will be on pins.........
How do you think my daughters are feeling about this.....they never really do say they are 6-10..having their parents have to stay far away from each other?

You think your confused?