Hi all,

I have posted my story here a while back and stopped until now. Anyway, a short version of my story. back in October, 2002 atfer the birth of my Son, my wife told me that she no longer love me and that she wanted a divorce. I later found out that she has been having and emotional affair with a guy on the internet and confronted her with this. She first dennied it, but later addmitted that she had feeling for him, but that it no longer had any feeling for him and I believe her. I was devasted for a while and didn't know what to do until I found this site. I have been applying plan A and try to do the best to change myself. Eventhough she said that her feeling fo rthis person was gone she was still in contact with him daily through e-mail and IM. Last November, I asked her agqain about the feeling that she had for this guy and she again addmitted that she still had feeling ofr him. Two days later she she that her feeling was gone and again. after that, things seems to be okay and she was getting better and at time it seems like she might consider reconcile. Lately, she was being very mean to me and I knew that something was up. I try and asked her many times to tell me what was wrong but she wouldn't. Tonight she finally told me that she had filed for the divorce last Thursday and that I should get the paper work soon. I was very calm after this and told her that divorce is not what I want and that if that's what she wants than there is nothing that I can do.

We have 2 children together D is 4 years old and S is 1 year old. I don't want this divorce becuase I know how much it will hurt my children adn that I still do love her very much. Am I too late? is there anything I can do to stop the dirvoce process and hopefully, get her to reconsider?

It seems to me that a divorce can be dismisssed at any time up until it is final. You should be able to tie up the divorce with continuances and delays, if you have some money for a crafty lawyer.

You have mentioned Divorce Busting, do you mean 180 Degree Divorce Busting? What have you tried? What has worked,? What has not worked?

I have not read all your posts, but I don't see your analysis of the 10 emotional needs, "His Needs, Her Needs". What does that look like?

If your wife is regularly communicating with another man by E-mail, its possible that your communication skills could stand improving. What communications courses have you taken? What communication courses do you know about? Which ones could you afford? Which ones could you fit into your sechedule?

Women like to be asked questions about things they are interested in, so they can talk about those things. What things have you created a safe harbour for her to talk about? What things does she like to talk about? I have books of counseling questions to help keep a meaningful conversation going. Have you ever read any counseling question books? What massage training do you have?

Since you have two children, it seems that you will have some sort of relationship with your wife for some time. How can you improve the relationship? When do you have an opportunity to listen to your wife's ideas?

Will your wife go out to lunch or dinner with you?

Personally, I am leaning toward divorcing my wife. So my wife is coming home at night, but gives me little cooperation. So my view is that it is better for me to find a less oppositional and more trustworthy woman. There are degrees of trustworthiness, and degrees of oppositional attitudes. My wife can be real nice to strangers, but a real dog to me. That is a trait of an oppostional personality. How does your wife rate on the oppositional scale? I think oppostional people have refreshing ideas, but I now advise against trying to live with one.

I think I should have gotten divorced earlier, rather than have my kids hear my wife running me down, and my sticking around like some dufus.

Whaler

<small>[ February 23, 2004, 02:00 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

James, I am pretty tired right now but wanted to say I read your post and am truly sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> However, I would encourage you to "walk by faith and not by sight." All is not hopeless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For now, I will simply recommend two very good books: "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat and "How to Win Your Wife Back Before It is Too Late" by Gary Smalley.

Also, check out www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.org if you haven't already.

God bless and no, you are not too "late." There is much that you can do, but it will begin with you.

Pray.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Whaler:
<strong>My wife can be real nice to strangers, but a real dog to me. That is a trait of an oppostional personality. How does your wife rate on the oppositional scale? I think oppostional people have refreshing ideas, but I now advise against trying to live with one. I think I should have gotten divorced earlier, rather than have my kids hear my wife running me down, and my sticking around like some dufus.
Whaler </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My situation sounds the same. Did you learn about oppositional personalities on this web-site? Where can I get more information? How is your situation now?

Whaler,

shot history on my situation. We have been married for more then 8 years and known each other for more than 15. This is the first marriage for both of us. We have 2 children together who I adore, D is 4 years old and S is 1 Yr.
I know divorce can be dimissed at anytime up until it is final. If she is so ready to leave, I'm not sure if continuances and delay will help. I have tried the best I could to meet for emotional needs, but most of the time she refuses to let me do it no matter how much I tried. I have not try the 180 degree and not sure if it will help at this moment. She is very determine to go through with it.

I have been asking her to go to dinner with me for a while and everytime she had some sort of excuses to brush it off. Beside the divorce talk and action, she and I got along well and my kids are happy and that's why it is so hard for me to even think about putting this hurt on them.

LovemyEx,

I have been to both sites that you memtioned aboved and bought the "manual for men" from restorem.org. I've also talked to many people on this board who believe in the process as described from restorem.org. I also beleive in this process, but rigtht now, my faith in God is at an all time low. All my hopes and dreams seems to disapeared.

James P

180 Degree Divorce Busters is dicussed by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN under the MB Negoiating section.

Suppose that W would lunch, what is your list of topics? What are your conversation starter phrases? If you are doing a lot with the kids, now, what is the advantage for W to stay together? Some guys create a power play, by saying, "You can divorce, and I can move out of state. I don't feel like looking like a fool around the kids" What power dynamics are there? What powers does she lose by divorce? You ignored my question about communicaton skills, which illustrates my point.


Stan 7

ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder is described for children and adolescents in the DSM. I have only recently realized that ODD operates in adults. The MMPI has a category for Rebeliousness. I scored 95th Percentile when I was 23. I have had to manage my Oppositional Impulses, and have a personal understanding of the challenge.

There is a website with ODD info, Dr. James Sutton docspeak.com. The ODD CD set speaks about the being nice to strangers, and making life unbearable for those close.

Blessings

<small>[ February 23, 2004, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Whaler,

The reason I did not address the communication skills, I do know that my communiation skills is not that good and that's probably the reason why I'm here. I know what you are saying about the important of communications, but how can you communicate with a person who no longer wants to share their feeling or interest with you? I found out a little too late that I have poor communication skills since she no longer let me communicate with her on the personal level except for when it is about the children.

I also like to make one thing clear that my children are on top of my priorities list. I want more than anything to provide them with a good and stable home and that's why I'm still fighting and hoping after more and a year. Matter of fact, I'm trying to get her to agree to let me have them 50% of the time and will go to court if I have to over this. I believe that that need both parents not just a monther and a weekend father.

Dear James P

How you structure your custody battle is partly based on what you can do for your children, and partly on power posturing. The option that I mentioned of getting a job out of state could be used as a ploy. Communicating ploys as if plausible is a communication skill.

Since your wife is still talking to you about the kids and the divorce, I suggest there is an opportunity to show off your improved communication skills, and maybe begin carrying on longer conversations. I have coached at least one or two fellows in your limited contact situation back to communicating, and back tegether. I have seen it happen. It takes some effort on your part to improve your commnication skills. This can be done for cheap.

I am trying to avoid leading you to my values, so I asked a series of questions, as there are a number of options for improving your communication skills. Some classes are value laden, and some more sectarian. My questions were: What communications courses have you taken? What communication courses do you know about? Which ones could you afford? Which ones could you fit into your sechedule?

Ask some people, make some calls, and post back your ideas. I will keep checking back for a week or two.

Whaler,

I've always regreted that I did not take a communication course in college.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What communications courses have you taken? What communication courses do you know about? Which ones could you afford? Which ones could you fit into your sechedule? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have not taken any course in regard to communication. Money is no an object to me since this is a bout my marraige and the future of my chilfren is at stake. That just mean that I'm willing to do what it take to save my marriage and I can work around the course schedule if I need to. I will do some research today for any local course around here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have coached at least one or two fellows in your limited contact situation back to communicating, and back tegether. I have seen it happen. It takes some effort on your part to improve your commnication skills. This can be done for cheap.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm in desperate need of help, I don't know your qualification, but since you already had helped some people in there communication skills and if you are willing, I would like to talk to you. if you can, give me your e-mail and we can talk.

Hang in there James and try not to let go of your faith. "Walk by faith, not by sight." I know that by sight, right now everything looks very bleak and hopeless. Seek the Lord and cling to Him during this difficult time. He is the One who is able to help you and your marriage the most. May He strengthen you and give you comfort, rest, hope, and peace!

Dear James,

I have studied a number of disciplines in a number of belief systems.

Some communication courses are cheap, effective and have flexible schedules for instruction sessions.

Some courses are more expensive and are only offered a few times a year.

Many counselors can assist to one extent or another with commnicaiton skills. Some may produce faster results than others.

Do you have health plans to cover counseling costs? Will your employer pay for such courses? Do you have a public realtions or sales office where you work? What communication courses have they paid for in the past? What courses cover communications skills?

Listening skills and couseling questions is a primary focus, it seems. Negotiating, Sales and Counseling approaches might also include listening skills. Parenting courses often include Active Listening components. Would your wife take a parenting course with you? In New York, I believe I have heard of a divorced parenting course, for divorcing couples.

You mention college courses, is there any college course you think might relate to devoloping listening skills and counseling skills rapidly? Have you asked clergy or looked in the yellow pages where you live, or called referrral agencies or counselors?

Take an hour a day, and make phone calls and list out the options you find. I keep reasearch papers in 10 Inch by 12 Inch Manilla envlopes, with the subject on the bottom in black letters, so I can stack up the envelopes, and flip through the bottoms, to find what I am looking for. If something looks like it is on target to you, post some info back, and we can discuss it.

You might look at curezone.com, and try a search on Communications. You are doing pretty well getting back to this thread.

LovemyEx,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Walk by faith, not by sight" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for the words of encouragement, I need to remeber this at all time.

Whaler,

I have made contact with one of the counsenling services from where I work and will make an appoitment for counsenling as soon as I'm done typing this message. The couselning sessions will have main emphasis on communications. Thanks for all your help.

It was kind of you to say that I have been helpful.

Counseling is an excellent basis for developing counseling skills. However, I believe that you are in an urgent situation, and I would encourage you to find out dates when parenting courses start. Some parents attended by themselves. You can sit down at the phone and open the yellow pages up to Churches, or call social services departments from the County of City agencies. There are more options for courses on communicatin that you have not listed, that could be worthwhile for you.

I suggest that you develop other options for courses and counslors, and post back with more optins to consider. You have made a good start, in this day. Give it another hour of research, and see what you feel.