Just a vent.....and perhaps a shoulder yet again to lean on.

My older sibling tried to commit suicide this weekend. History:
-divorced from an abusive ex (runs in the family huh?) 8 years ago, he's remarrying, her two children are users (want money from her, she gives, groceries, she gives, rides, she gives -- her kids are 30 and 25)
-lost her 6 figure job 3 years ago, has been living on stock returns, and cashing in retirement plans because she's *gonna get that six figure income again no matter what and no way am I going back to be a typist*
-has has elective surgery that's gone bad (has been on Tylenol 3 for over a year)
-financial troubles now because she continued to spend
-moved in with mom after she was forced to sell her house, but only stayed for two months (now can't afford to live on her own)

As for me, I am angry! I'm pissed off. As I stood by her bed, the psychiatrist was asking *family* what we thought brought her to this point. Her daughter (the one that blames MOM for everying) had the audacity to tell everyone that it was OUR fault for driving her dear ol' mom to do herself in. When it came to my *turn* to talk I said "Boundaries" -- simple boundaries.

I know I can't do anything, but I find it very hard to be supportive. For months I have been counselling her -- giving her OPTIONS as to things she could do when it came to work. She would say I didn't understand (no of course not, I went to the foodbank to feed my kids, I was evicted out of my home because I didn't have a job, I took a job wayyyyyyyyyyy below my qualifications, I too lived with my mom for 5 times LONGER than she did, with a child and having to farm out our pets (though sis got to bring her *pet* home cause grandma thought she was cute) Bitterness here? You Betcha! I am angry because this woman who has the world ahead of her and the OPTION of saying no to her USER of a daughter, dared to take her life. Now she's sitting in that hospital bed with everyone catering to her. Grandma's paying the bills (never happened when I needed the help) - someone's taking care of the *pet* (I had to farm one out and beg the ex to take the other one), they are telling her not to worry about the job for now (I pounded the pavement, worked shiftwork hours with a lousy company) -- you get the picture.

I saw through all her lies and called her on it. Everyone now is realizing all the lies and catering to her. I honestly don't know how to be supportive to her. Not one of those people in that room told the pyschiatrist that she DID recognize she was depressed (other than me) and that she DID make efforts to obtain counselling. Her daughters stood there, ok ONE daughter stood there and pointed fingers at the rest of use.

*sigh*....I am off to work. Any tidbits of advice are appreciated.

I'm glad you could vent here in this forum. Get it out, then keep your boundaries with the family.

Your sister is an Enabler, and she learned that from your FOO - you stated they are catering to her so enabling nature. (I typically guess alcohol, drugs or gambling in the family caused this).

Now for you. You have chosen not to ENABLE. This is a difficult choice and typically goes against all we've learned in our lives. You are responsible for your own choices, and not those of others. Yes, you can get angry when you see the injustices, yet you can't change how others behave. By maintaining your boundaries, you stay healthy.

I note that you didn't DEFEND the family against the daughter. If you had, you would have fallen back into the pattern. Good boundaries.

May God bless you and your family, especially your sister - who didn't know any better.

Thanks Newly for your post. I appreciate your response and your insight. Perhaps I was posting on the wrong site. I do thank you for responding and will keep my own boundaries in check. Think I need to really think about why this has affected my emotions so much.

Thank God she's alive.

Elan,

Just a question. Would you trade lives with your Sis? Would you want to have HER daughter for your daughter? Would you want to be dependent on your Mother? What about her life would your really like to have?

Apparently, she found little to like and that is very sad.

However, now that you have vented and hopefully feel better, step back and really look at her, her life, her family life, and ask: Would I want that? I don't think so.

The weak often get helped and then they become weaker. It doesn't always work that way, but it seems to more often than it should. Someone reaching down to help should be uplifting, life changing, transforming and we all hope it is, but oddly it often is not.

You got less help I suspect because you were and are capable of making it on your own and you did. You have been given a gift your sister was not. That gift is within you and clearly works well.

I once had it explained to me by a minister of mine, that people often overlook one of the greatest gifts given: an ability to work hard and make the best of things. He viewed it right up there with KNOWING what you want in your life, as one of the great gifts.

I would say by that measure, there is nothing your mother, or her daughters can give her, that will match what you were given. You were blessed and are blessed. Take your sister's decisions and reflect on them. She may be giving you the gift of deep insight as you consider all that has happened.

God Bless,

JL

I am so sorry for how YOU are feeling.

On the other hand, I also understand how your sister is feeling. She must've been in such a low place in her life - thinking the pain is so, so great and not seeing any hope for the future.
Imagine feeling so low that you think that there is no other way to escape the pain and heartbreak of what was tormenting her. Sometimes the reasons are real and sometimes the reasons are magnified by her perception of the events.

I will say a prayer tonight for both of you, for all of us going through agonizing pain right now.

I feel sorry for the daughters, who nearly lost their mother, and for her mother, who nearly lost a child. They need comfort at this time; they do not need to hear criticism of their loved one who almost died.

Nellie, I think you misunderstood. Elan didn't attack, instead she did the following:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When it came to my *turn* to talk I said "Boundaries" -- simple boundaries.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She came here to vent, not at her sister, but just to get her feelings out.

Elan, yes you should have feelings about this, and take the time to examine them. You never got to the point your sister did - what does that say about you through all of your difficulties. Many times, it shows an optimist outlook on life. Although times are bad, we now they can get better.

Good Luck and God bless your family.

Thank you all for your profound insight! I knew you would all come through -- with messages that I needed to hear.

Sis is home -- with a close childhood friend who will stay with her for the long run. We have worked out strategies for helping her out -- albeit some of it in *my* opinion is a little *too* much help, but then again that's my opinion. I have gotten family counselling in place for those who wish to attend to get strategies on how we can support Sis and help her through this incredibly low time in her life.

As for me -- I am angry, and that's normal. I have taken the time to reflect and ask myself to really seek clarity in why I'm angry. A lot of it is because I am stunned that someone who apparently is so *together* to others could slip through the cracks. I've seen this coming for a long time, am the *baby* sister who apparently can't possibly *understand*. It's just horrible watching someone go down and not be able to do anything about it. Just waiting for the crash and burn has been incredibly stressful. BUT..... had I have NOT had the support through the months from MB and like the opinions or not, I have learned so very much from you all.

Thank you..... God could not have pointed me to a better support group.

PS to Nellie --

the only words that ever left my lips to the family members has been and will continue to be:

I love you, and I am here to support you in whatever way I can.

Her sister (me) and brother are also very grateful that we did not have to bury a sister. Please pray for our family that we can continue to heal and help one another.

sorry....have read the posts and digested some more.

Just Learning -- your question: Would you trade lives with your Sis? In her state of mind, no. It takes a long time to establish healthy boundaries and healthy relationships. When you don't have any boundaries, how can one have a healthy relationship with your children? I wish for her to be able to develop those skills so that she can cope with things in life.

As for being dependent on Mother -- I was, for 8 months, and under extreme hardship with a child in tow. It's a matter of pride and being able to lean on others when you really don't want to. I know that it takes time to be able to say, "I need help and this is how I need it". I can only hope and pray that Sis will be willing to let go and be honest with herself and then learn that it's ok to ask for help. Again -- it's something that she has to do and a choice that she has to make.

You are so very true about finding little to like -- and it is incredibly sad. I hope that she will be able to talk it through with someone who will help her realize that life is worth living, even if it's experiencing some not so great things in life. It's a journey and I hope she'll be up to travelling.

"The weak often get helped and then they become weaker." I am so terried about this -- it seems the family rather than supporting her, want to do it all for her without consulting her or asking for her input (thus my urgency on getting family counselling started).

The greatest gift of all? I am blessed -- and continue to be blessed. Sometimes we lose track of that. Thank you for your words and your wisdom and gentle reminder to put myself into her shoes once in a while to gain the perspective that I need.

I also just wanted to add that my younger brother (one year younger almost exactly) died of a heroin overdose in November 2002 while he was in a drug rehabilitation center.

There isn't anything I wouldn't do or wouldn't give to have literally 30 seconds more with him to tell him that although I turned my back on him because of his addictions and how he chose to live his life, I've never stopped thinking about him or loving him every single day of my life. I say that because my mother told my other younger brother and me that our brother didn't think we loved him and he was very hurt over that. I wish she had told me that while he was alive or he wouldn't have died thinking that.

Please remember that life is too short and tomorrow isn't promised.

It's like when your child does something so stupid and almost gets hurt...like walking across a busy street without looking both ways..

You want to hug them b/c you're glad they're alive and you're blessed for that but angry b/c of their inability to do the smart thing.

It's normal how you feel I think.

And I can see how your sis might have gotten to that point. I was very depressed after losing a huge home, my "picture" of a marriage (never was in reality what the picture of it was to the rest of the world though), most of my material wealth, and was forced to leave being a stay at home mom and go back into the work force after several years away...might have well been light years away in high tech medical area...you snooze you lose in that.

I can see how somebody without hope could fall like that emotionally. But I say to listen to her, be there for her.

She's got alot to VENT HERSELF probably. She may have become too proud or too private to do that. She may be in denial of how her life really is now. She may be suffering from a severe form of depression.

It's always easy to judge those..she's done some reckless things and not very wise things. I see it as a symptom of something deeper and darker that is below the surface that needs to be dealt with and loved through.

I remember the first time I saw my family after I left (ie...escaped with my son from my once dream home after being slapped down to the ground and pushed down so hard that I was bruised all over my knees and was in an arm brace for 2 weeks after that)...I tried to hold it together for a few days...then, my sister came in my room and my son was outside in back yard playing with his cousins and she said "go on. This CAN NOT stay inside forever." She gave me a pillow and said to punch it and punch the hell out of it. I did. She said to let it fly. I had the biggest cry of my life and literally slumped onto the floor after it.

I had to let that out. We as humans can only handle so much before it finds its way out. I studied alot of physics in college and know that energy always finds a way to be released. Sometimes it's a positive outlet, sometimes it's negative. I am saying to be here and be like my sister now.

Maybe the culmination of the last eight years has taken its toll on her and she's at the breaking point.

Elan:

I'm so sorry for you and your family. I wish you strength during this very difficult time. You sound like a very caring sister, and please don't feel badly about your anger or mixed emotions about your sister's situation and your family's reactions. I think your response is normal and appropriate. Keep your own boundaries, and try to take care of yourself too.

I really don't have any advice, just know that I'll be thinking of your family.

Thank you all again. I do know that it's all a part of the process -- but it makes me think what it would have been like had I not had the courage to be as *tough* as I was during the divorce process. Man oh man how divorce can destroy so much in a person's life if they let it. She was divorced 8 years ago and still hasn't dealt with it. I think it just goes to show how very important it is to talk out your feelings about all of this -- the financial ruin (possible for some), the effects it has on the kids (even if they are adults), even the effects on your job. Thank you all for being so supportive and also the prayers.