OK does there ever come a time when you as the custodial parent - ever not give a crap about the ex's relationship with the kids??? My ex has seen my girls 2 times since Christmas - has called not even 10 times - He thinks that with them being 11 and soon to 14 - it should be up to them to call him... Now I am having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that someone I loved hurt me so bad - but I have a hard time dealing with the fact that the person I chose to have children with - really is not a good parent - well actually not a parent at all...that I am the one who does everything - all the while that he is bad mouthing me to everyone stating that I have turned the kids against him - crap by the way... But why does his relationship with them affect me so much - well lack of the relationship I should say... I would think well I do think that he should call them everyday - he should go out of his way to talk to them - he is the parent - they are the children... Am I wrong - or do I just let it go and accept that - nope he wasn't the man I thought he was... This is really and truly the way he wants things or he would be doing them differently and he is using me as an excuse to make himself look better in everyone's eyes??? Will I ever just accept the fact that he is totally gonna be gone??? Out of their lives and as much as I don't want it to happen there isn't anything that I can do???

He & I were the major subjects of your story, not the kids. He is not the person you want him to be. It still appears you are emotionally vested in him.

The children will develop their own relationship with their father. If you think they need help, get them counseling, or find a Rainbow or Banana Splits class for them to take.

He is losing out on a relationship with his daughters. The absence of their father will affect their lives and their choices in mates. You cannot force a relationship on either side, just help your children to grow into emotionally healthy adults.

Newly - yes he and I were the major issues in my topic - because he thinks that he is right - and I think that he is wrong... I think that he should call the girls - the girls think that he should call them - and then it becomes a case of neither of them talking to each other - As it stands right now - he doesn't speak to my 13 year old daughter - at all - Does it bother her - she says NO - but frankly I don't buy it - And yes she has been to therapy - but she continues to say that she doesn't care - she likes her life better off with out him in it - but an example - she watched a movie - and the father referred to the daughter as a client - and she said she would have flipped if her father called her that - I try to explain to them that they need to have a relationship with their father - that they are going to have major issues with this when they get older - but really I cannot make him be the grown up - I cannot make the three of them - get along - and or have the kind of relationship that the three of us have... I just can't .. And I don't want them growing up with huge men issues - if I can somehow help ... How to help ?? I don't know - This has been going on for over a year - and it seems to be getting worse - I have the feeling that he is totally pulling away - but all the while still slinging the blame my way - And you know he can throw blame my way I don't care - I just do not want my kids growing up screwed up because they didn't think their father cared enough to even give them a phone call... Do you understand

maw ---

the point is --- YOU can't CHANGE HIM - any more or any less than you could before.

The reality is that the relationship between him and the girls is between him and the girls. YOU need to step out of the picture and let THEM deal with it. If HE chooses not to see them. Don't mess with it. It's up to HIM. You can't change his attitude, his behavior, or his opinion. Don't try.

Let go and let them deal with it.

Don't keep trying to focus him on them - just forget about it.

How soon do you learn to let go??? When you realize that you are the only person you can control and focus on making YOU the best person you can be and forget about HIM.

I am a single parent and my ex doesn't contact the kids or support them. I could spend my life trying to worm his child support out of him, attempting to force him to be a father to the kids - but guess what - that's a waste of MY time. I would really rather spend my time with my children and raise them to be better people.

The choice is yours. Wast your time - or move on?

Jan

Jan -- well put thank you -- I just get to feeling better about everything - then something happens and I get feeling bad about it again - You are right - I cannot control nor do I want to - I just have to accept that fact that not only did he fail me - but he is failing them as well and there is nothing I can do about it -- OK - I get it .... Just how do I tell my brain that it is a complete waste of time - and that maybe hopefully if I do a good enough job with my girls then they will be ok - without him in their lives??? Right - maybe what I need to do is gain the confidence I need in myself - to feel that it is ok -that I am the only parent they are gonna have and that I will do ok??? Right is that what you are trying to tell me???

Yes, Yes, & Yes.

But keep encouraging the counseling thing.
In our Rainbows class, the pastor stressed that children process the Divorce at every age.
What they think is OK at 10, may bring up more questions or problems at age 14. Try to find classes in your area, and present your children with the option to attend.

We wanted to be parents, so we must learn to parent our children, with or without a partner parent - and do the best job we can.

Newly - actually I have been throwing around the counseling thing again - I went to one that I wanted all three of us to go - I had to switch from my old one because of insurance changes - but the new therapist I had - wanted to associated everything to AA - which is fine but that isn't what the problem was - and she wanted to start back to how I was treated as a child - yup ok that is a whole other issue - I just didn't want to go that far back with trying to deal with the here and now - so I have stopped going to her - I should though actually try to find another counselor in the area - just so they know that they have done nothing wrong...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> just so they know that they have done nothing wrong... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BINGO!

And don't you find it amazing how ACOA issues keep popping up in our lives? After all these years and we thought we dealt with all our own issues - it's still part of our core.

This is the main reason I want to ensure my children grow up emotionally healthy. I don't want to perpetuate the ACOA traits in them, and continue this cycle. I didn't do the work I needed to earlier in my life, or I wouldnt' have made the choices I did. That's why I'm so focused on providing an emotionally healthy environment for my kids. And boy do I have a long way to go myself. My X isn't the father I want him to be - but he's a much better father than he was while we were married. That gives me some comfort vs. your situation and I imagine it must be frustrating.
I noticed you didn't lash out at any of us for our blunt responses, I see you as a healthier, recovering ACOA.

Newly - OK what is ACOA??? I am sure that it should be obvious to me - but duh mental block - and I don't lash out at the bluntness because that is why I post - I know that I let him rule me to a degree and I think that I should be able to change things - then when I get upset and post - and people tell me - NO you cannot control it - well it looks better when someone else is writing it to me - viewing my situation... You know...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> wanted to associated everything to AA </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Based on this statement, I guessed you were an ACOA - adult child of an alcoholic or at a minimum a candidate for Alanon. Either way, it's amazing how much it permeates our lives.

Check out www.acoa.org for a list of traits and see how many fit you. I didn't realize how much it affected me until the D. I was a huge enabler in my M, and still need to learn a great deal about boundaries.

Good Luck.

Newly - actually - I am not a child of an alcholic but whether my exhusband was or not is a question that has been thrown up in the air quite often - he actually was recently arrested for drunk driving ... --- I am a huge enabler - I read codependent and then codependent and beyond and it was totally me..I have also read books on Boundaries... Which I need help in .. I am feeling better today - and realize that I have no control over their relationship with their Dad - and it is his loss - and though I want them all to have a relationship I cannot make it happen - he has to get over himself and figure out - that yes he divorced me but he also hurt his daughters - And I am afraid that he will never do that - but that will be his loss.... Thanks for the website I will check it out..

I have the same Q about my X - was he or wasn't he.
Either way, I know at the end, he had the traits of a "dry drunk". That is, all of the anger of an A, but not drinking.

If you see some of the traits in your family, get your children help now.
Last night I sat in the counselor's office while my 6 & 4 YO were in counseling, with a woman who's 10 YO was in counseling. Her 6 & 5 YO were outside. If it affected the 10 yo, it most certainly will impact the 6 & 5 yo - if not now, then later in life.

Enabling is hard to overcome. It's a fine line between helping and smothering.

A fine line yes... That is true - I think I just have to accept the fact that I have no control over his relationship with the girls -- and though it is not the relationship that I would choose to have with the girls maybe it is the relationship that he chooses to have with them - and yes he is gonna blame me - he has blamed me for everything so far from him cheating to me turning them against him - and I know that I haven't done all that I stand accused of - and I just have to not let him push those buttons anymore... I have to let go.. I have let go of him as a husband completely - now I just need to let go of him as a father --- He is gonna be who he chooses to be...

And through the letting go, we find peace ourselves.

Well we can hope ---

I know it's true. I am more at peace now than ever before.

And it's good training for when our children grow older, and we'll need to learn to let them go - so they can grow into independent individuals.

Life's a lesson for all of us.

Newly - actually - I am not a child of an alcholic but whether my exhusband was or not is a question that has been thrown up in the air quite often - he actually was recently arrested for drunk driving ...

Maw,

In all honesty, a part of me would be so glad that he wasn't coming around much, if any. I don't think that it's a good idea for the kids to be spending much time with a man that drinks as much as he does (I remember your past posts) and CERTAINLY not a man that drinks and drives. It would matter not to me that he is their father...it is evident that he is irresponsible in drinking and driving.

Hold your kids close to you...protect them at all costs...and don't insist on contact that could result in them being unsafe.

Please remember, this is just my opinion.

committed

Newly - thanks - I really want to find that peace...

Committedandlovingit - I totally understand your opinion and pretty much what you have said is true and it isn't anything that my friends and family haven't said to me in the past - Who cares who needs him??? Which I guess it is just my concern about how they will grow up with a father that didn't really care about them enough to really maintain a relationship... I do not believe that my children would ever go with him again if he was drinking anything at all... And they can tell - because they have told me since this of other times. Anyways - maybe this truly is a blessing in disguise.. When and if he shapes up will be when and if he gets his children back in his life.. I cannot allow him to get to me about the blame - because I didn't do anything... This is not my problem... I love my children and I am the best parent that I can be - whether I am the only parent - well that isn't up to me - and that is what I have to accept... And I keep my children very close to me... they are pretty much my whole entire life...