Three weeks ago, my husband told me that he "doesn't love me anymore and he wants to divorce me" He is still leaving in the house right now. But his plan is to move out by the end of the year. Since he told me the news, we had talked several time about the problems in the marrigae.
Let gave you a little background about us. We meet each other in college and married right after. I was his first serious girlfriend and he was my first also. I think we did pretty good so far. We have our own house and a wonderful 4 years old boy. We both have a good job which can afford a very comfortable lifestryle. Everything looks good, at least from the surface.

The reasons that he wants to divorce me:

1. He claimed we grew apart during the years and he doesn't think that we are compatible anymore.- We had differnet view on the financial issue. he is a very generous man and I am more conserve. For example, he like to buy very expensive gifts to his friends and family. We always agrued about things like this. It came to point that I pretty much let him make the decision to avoid any agrument. The funny thing is that this is also one of the reason that he wants to leave me. He claimed that I am not supportive to his decision and that hurt him alot.

2. He wants to enjoy "single life". Since we married so young, he never has a chance o do it. He thinks the marriage is holding him back. He wants to have sex with different women other than me. He wants experience differnce things. I think he wants his freedom. For example, he is planning a trip to CA this summer alone. No wife or kid. Hw would not let me know te detail of the trip.

I know I can work on reason #1 because I realized what I did wrong in the marriage. After I read all the articles in this webiste, I beleive I know how make things better. I will pay more attention to his needs (emotionally and physically). Our sex life was OK before. After I read the articles on the website. I pay more attention and more willing to try things with him. I think he is pretty happy right now in this department. But my biggest concern is his reason #2. How can he fulfill his desire to be a "single man" if we are still marry? I am afriad that if I don't handle this well. He will always resent me for this? Maybe I need to let him go but I have a very hard time doing it. This is because I still love him.

Please excuse my english. If you have difficult time understand it. I will try to clarify it. Thanks!

1)he's having an affair

2)before you jump the gun to divorce, go to general questions two and plan a and b forums...

Seek help from lots of good oldtimers there...my favorites for good, clear WS advice: Orchid and Redhat..Also, TooMuchCoffeeMan has great links.

Learn MB here.

Learn the divorcebusting 180 and DO IT NOW.

I am sorry to inform you but all the signs are there...if you have doubts, hire a p.i. and they'll confirm it for you...

Been here done that and got the big d.

Hope you won't stay here and remember, divorced/divorcing is last resort as a forum. You gotta fight the good fight first ok? We would love to help you, but you haven't gotten to the real meat of your issues yet.

Get help from professional MB counseling if you can too.

I really feel for you right now. It really hurts for a man that you still love say that he is so over you. I am going through the same thing. I wish I could hire a PI. I wish I could afford to take a day off work and tail him myself. But seeing as I am facing an uncertain future alone - - I think I'll stay at work. How long have you been married?
Are you both still living in the same house? I really don't know what to say - - only that I wish you strength in what you are going through.
take care and keep posting... these guys really help.
Sideways Sally.

I will tell you from experience he seems to be having an affair. To hear those words from the one you love hurts immensely. I was told those words of I never loved you, I never loved you at the altar, and then I heard him give the other woman sexual comments, and big hugs and big kisses.

You need to do plan A/B. It is going to be tough hon, has been for many of us. We have grown older, more mature, and one thing is we are very cautious of our XHs.

Take hold of yourself. Also, there is more information needed about your marriage, how long you have been married, relationship, family unit, etc.

I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I've been there myself. My husband told me he didn't love me anymore. My husband told me that I must not really love him because if I did I would let him go.

I don't think he is having an affair now. I really think that he wants out of this marriage. If he is having an affair, it will be easier to let him go. BUT HE IS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR- I asked many time about it and he never lie to me about anything. I beleive him. It may sound stupid, but I TRUST him. He still pick me up from the train everyday. We have dinner together almost evertday. We spend time together on the weekend. He did not try to push me away even he said he don't love me anymore. We still have sex and it was better than before. May be I am just too blind to see the I think the problem is that he wants to be independent. Just like a teenager, he wants his freedom. Why? I don't really know. Maybe this is a midlife crisis for him. I can't understand the reason and that why it is so hard to let him go. I need to go now, he is brothering me about the posting. Should I share this with him? I will

you sound a lot like me. There have been a couple of people that I have told my details to and both of them say something is fishy. They say it sounds like an affair. Maybe you are right - - maybe he is not, maybe he does just want out. That is what my husband keeps saying. I just cna't live with you. My husband however, continues to stay out late and leave early with narry a word to me. Is he out with someone - I'd like to think not. But there are a lot of extra clothes in his car, a blanket, and he seems to be gone an awful lot. I just don't know. Just like you. But I'll tell you - some one from this MB place just turned me on to the 180 thing - and it is remarkable. Look for it under the NEGOTIATION section. Read it - - really - it will help you out. It truly helped me.

Thanks Sideway Sally for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your situation. But I am no help to you right now. I wish I could do more than just complain about my problems. My husband did not do any of the things that your husband did. He is still very nice to me and our boy. For example, last night we talked a little about our day and problem with his friend. The conversation was very relaxed. And then, he wanted to made love to me. He was the one that initated it. Afterward, we talked a little bit more. But all in a sudden, he mentioned again than he is still looking for an apartment to move out. I was really upset when he said that. Actually, I was not angred but scared. I don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do. His desire to be independent was so strong that he thinks the only way out is to divorce me (us - our son). What can I do? Maybe someone out there can help me to understand? Someone who been through what he is going through right now. I will not giving up but I need to know what I am up against.

Lovemeplease

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And then, he wanted to made love to me. He was the one that initated it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H is whats known here as a cake eater. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

He wants the best of both worlds, his freedom and the liberty of sex with you when he wants.

Don't let your love for him stand in the way of you saying no. Do you want him to take all of you or just the parts he wants.

I know that SF is a big EN for a lot of men and meeting that EN for him is important, but not if he isn't interested in you for anything else.

If he wants out, don't give in to him by giving him everything he wants.

<small>[ February 24, 2004, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sideway Sally suggested I should look into the 180 degree list. I read the posting but I am still confuse about the list. One of the problems in the marriage is that I neglected his needs (emotionally and sexually). If I follow the 180 degree list, does it mean that I should not have any sexually relationship with him. If I do that, would I be LBing our marriage again. I am all CONFUSED now. I know deep down in my heart that I want to be with him and I beleive that he is confused about what he want also. I beleived that if I show him I have changed. I am not the same women that take him for granted. There is still hope in the marraige. I am not giving up on him, not until he pack his bag and move out. Maybe even then, I will not give up hope. Am I crazy?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lovemeplease

You say that your husband claims to not love you, yet he wants to make love.

Is it making love or just having sex?

Now this may seem radical and it may be too soon to do, but have you considered letting him go?

Why?

Trying to hold onto someone who wants to go is like holding on to freight train and trying to make it stop. You only end up beaten and bloody and the freight train never feels anything. It is only after the train gets way down the track does it realize it's missing something.

Cheating and fooling around is like a drug. People behave in a very similar manner. He feels trapped. What's worse, he doesn't feel any immmediate need to get out because you're meeting some of his needs. Additionally, some of his needs you're meeting, he doesn't even know about. Right now, you're enabling him.

He thinks he wants his freedom, give it to him. Tell him you love him, but can't be just one of his girlfriends. Stop meeting his needs, but NEVER EVER love bust him, that is never fight with him, call him names or such. Start occupying your time with other things, especially things that look really fun to do. (This does not include seeing other guys)

The sooner he gets his freedom, the sooner he may find he doesn't want it.

Again, I don't know your specific situation, but just throwing this out there as a possibility.

Learn about Plan A (being really nice, meeting his needs) and Plan B (severing all contact to protect yourself).

Lastly, never ever put your son in the middle of things. Never ever use your son as a tool to fight with your husband. What goes around comes around. It's hard enough just being a kid.

<small>[ February 29, 2004, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: father of 1, husband of 0 ]</small>

Lovemeplease, If I remember it, you told us in another post that you "accidently" recently got pregnant and are now newly pregnant with your husband's baby and that he tried to get you to get an abortion. He told you he did not want the child in any way and asked you to get an abortion but you are fighting him here.

This makes me think there is more to this story then what you are telling us here and that perhaps you tried to get pregnant to keep him...or something. I could be wrong here i just wanted to add this new info so that people could help you with all the facts.

I certainly hope you didn't just get preggo for that reason...my xh's new w did that and wouldn't you know...he's talking to his other gf/ow now too.

I am wondering. You go on about how much you want him and how he wants to move out and how you DON'T BELIEVE HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR.

There was a thread somehwere here about the signs of an affair. They are pretty clear and straightforward.

Hire a PI for one day...pick a day when he's usually out all night. All they need is his driver's license plate number and a recent photograph. And where to find him. They followed my xh from work, to the airport, then to the casino. No action for about six hours, then a tall blonde came up to him in the casino and they left and went up to a room together...got all the stuff we needed but they kept getting information all night and next day. I found out everything including info about other woman.

What to look for:
missing time, getting angry if you touch their wallet or personal items like a duffel bag, different smell on clothes or perfume, passenger seat being in a different position than what you have it to be when you are the passenger, I once found an earring in the trunk of the car. Again, the change of clothes is important. Strange numbers on caller id or blocked numbers. Reluctancy to let you see cell phone bill or doing as my xh did...he sent all the credit card statements to his office and said "he'd wanted to let the secretary do the books for me because I was just too busy at home and needed a break". He didn't want me to see the purchases he had made and I still found about it.

More...going away on business trips alot. Getting hang up phone calls. Anger and lots of it when you simply ask of what's he been doing or where are you going.

Mine told me he wasn't having an affair either. What in the heck are they going to say? Admit it? If they plan on divorcing you and you live in a fault state, you'd get the upper hand by knowing this information. Plus it could change the end with regard to custody or financial arrangements. He's already told you he wants other women..and you are taking the Polyanna approach here and it doesn't do anything.

Sticking your head into the sand like an ostrich doesn't take care of your issue. Facing it head on and knowing what you're up against is the only thing you can do. If you have other children, you owe it to them to do what's best for their best interest as well. People lying in the fog and cheating will not tell the truth and usually don't do divorce settlements fair either...goes hand in hand with the lying and cheating...was told that point blank from three different attorneys.

Can anybody find her the post about the signs of an A? This would be really beneficial.

Here is some more of her story:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=020051#000000

dear lovemeplease,
i am sorry you are going through this. It must be very difficult w/ children to deal with a selfish partner.
My only advise to you is to pray to God to help you through this, and to change your husband's heart/head. I use to rely on my husband to change, but the truth is if he doesn't think he needs to change, then he won't. However if you trust in God and ask him to change your husband, then God will do everything in his power to help restore your marriage.

It's important in your shoes to be proactive now.

While praying for reconciliation is good to do, God gives us brains and expects us to use them.

That would mean getting real about the sitch you're in.

I'd retain an attorney. Hire a pi. Find out b/c he's probably having an affair.

You can do plan A and B through all of this but you've got to get some information.

Personally you need to protect your four year old son and unborn child now. My son is now five and he was whole reason I got proactive.

Change is painful. That's the biggest hurdle or was to me about getting a divorce. In the end, I don't want my xh back b/c he's not at all the same man I married and God freed me from that pain and now I can move on and find the person that will honor both myself and my child and be happy.

Your stbxh is living for himself. Don't expect him to take care of you. I'd secure child support as well as spousal support..you're pregnant and might not be up to changing your household structure and being pregnant and a mom all at the same time.

Please don't waste energy focusing on him or what he does right now. From time to time I still wonder why in the heck my xh does what he does or what is his motivation but in the end, my action is what has freed me.

Hon, he's having an affair. What kind ofhusband would want his wife to abort their planned child?

FYI...most don't know this but I miscarried two months after separation from JEthro due to all the stress from his affair with Monkeyho and FV...don't risk an unborn life by putting yourself through too much.

Get the attorney and then get active. I would be careful to understand that you can still save it, but by living and acting like his doormat you're not accomplishing a darn thing. If he questions why you filed, say "well what am I supposed to do?"...make him think you've moved on.

Do the divorce busting 180 too. But in the meanwhile protect your kids, yourself, and your assets. Do not trust the motivation of a cheater. Their motivation is their own happiness.