I am 58 my wife has just filed for a divorce she dosnt know why but she said she has changed. we have 15 great years. but now 2 years before retirment she want to grow .she said she loves me but i dont understand her . she has changed her hair the way she dresses the way she talks. and the way she treats me. she never drank in 15 years now she drinks a lot. what can i do

When my WH, who is only 25, started acting that way, it was a symptom of a deeply rooted dissatisfaction with his life and they way it was headed. She peobably can't even put her finger on the exact problem herself, she just knows she's not happy, and so she just lumps everything together, including you, under the umbrella of what is causing her to feel that way. She probably also feels that you do not fit into her new way of life, because you haven't changed like she has. Something similar has been going on with my WH for over a year now. Everyone thinks it's a stage and he'll come to his senses. Hopefully, it won't be too late!
My suggestion is to read up on all the info here. It has really helped me a lot.

John - I would seek counseling for the two of you if she is willing to go. The identity crisis she shows, is like the poster stated above. She is not happy with herself, and drinking is definitely a sign of low-self-esteem problems. Drinking is a serious problem, and I would seek counseling before she becomes an alcoholic or injures an innocent human.

She is dressing different, cause she is trying to attract the opposite sex, to see if she is still loveable. She is changing her hair, for the same reason. Maybe if you were to say things like, I really like the hair change. It is becoming to you. I like the way you dress, you always had a lovely figure. But for sure, counseling is needed.

Good luck John. Yeah, it is the pits to get a divorce at this late age of life. I know, I am 53 years of age, and divorced this past June 2003. So many years with my X (25 years) and this is hard.

Good Luck, John. Seek some professional counseling. It is expensive, and those of us who wish to have counseling with little money, go for the low buck counseling. But if I could, I would get professional counseling for myself.

Have you snooped around? It might be because of an affair, emotional or physical. But it might not. It could just be a mid-life crisis.

Are you empty nesters? This is often a challenging time for a couple, especially if the couple was centered around rearing children.

Once the children are gown, a spouse may turn new eyes toward the primary relationship and find it... unsatisfying.

So what?

And I'd say "So What?" to when your wife says she's changed.

Or perhaps, I'd say "So how?" Because we all change. If she's changed, you change some to meet her new Emotional Needs. If she has new goals for her life, you two talk about them and realign your goals as a couple to those you both enthusiastically agree with.

Ask her in what manner she's changed. Ask her what she wants from life now. Then, offer to make that part of your life together. And in order to do so, ask her to participate in counseling.

I for one believe that mid-life crisis can be good. They are an essential step in growing as an adult adn the goal shouldn't be to stop them or to make the person revert to pre-crisis time. I believe the goal should be to help your mate work through it to become more of the best possible self he or she could be.

I do acknowledge that some people act out their crises in destructive inappropriate and even wicked ways. But others do it in a productive way. They leave the rat race to join the Peace Corp., travel, start a business, put to bed old feuds.

I also acknowledge that MILs are extremely scary for all considered. Witnesses and the person in the throes of it. And sometimes, the personalities of the subjects do change.

Has she filed yet?

John, it's hard to say what is going through her mind. Maybe it is a mid-life crisis and she is dissatisfied with the marriage. Have you read the article here called "Why Women Leave Men" and also about needs. If a spouse feels their needs aren't and haven't been met and if they beleive there is no hope of it happening, it might stir within them dissatisfaction and a desire to leave the marriage. It is truly unfortunate that people don't think more about their vows and commitment, but the reality is, when emotions are strong (feelings of dissatisfaction, etc), well... the bottomline is is that she, for whatever reason, is wanting out. I am truly sorry for this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It is very possible that she does go out on her own and realizes that the "grass is not greener." She might "change her mind" before the divorce is final or even after the divorce is final (it happens!).

Well, I'm not sure what specific advice to give you but there are a couple of good books that I think are helpful. One is "How to Win Your Wife Back Before It Is Too Late" by Gary Smalley and the other is "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat. Here also are a couple of reconciliation websites: www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.org Both the couples who started these websites remarried after divorce and adultery (remarried to each other, not to someone else). They are Christian sites. I do not know if they will help you or not, but they were a tremendous source of strength and encouragement for me.

God bless and I truly am sorry you are facing this.

Dear John,

The easiest thing to change is yourself. You do not mention anything you are thinking about doing differently.

Have you read 180 Degree Divorce Busters, under Negotiating?

How did your last two years start going down hill?

It sounds like you have a lot to complain about, what do yo try to talk to your wife about now? How do you take a positive attitude? How do you discuss lunch or dinner?

Now that drinking is part of the pattern, you need to be aware of the concepts of Al-Anon. There are Al-Anon groups all over the country meeting all different times of the night and day. Have you ever asked your wife out to an AA coffee bar? Do you know where the nearby AA coffee bars are near you?

It does not sound like your wife is accepting any part of the blame. My wife refuses the idea of therapy oppositionally. One prime reason I feel justified in divorcing my wife is because she oppostinally refuses to try to improve things.

You mention that your wife says you don't understand her. What that signals to me, is that you are not giving your wife the impression that you are listening to her. Active listening is a skill that helps give the impression that you are intersted and listening. But there is more to it than just that. What communication skill courses have you taken? Which ones do you know about? Which ones are convenient for you?

I am not a natural commnuicator, and I have had to work at my listening with understanding skills, and I have been slipping and need to re-practice my exercises. My son-in-law has offered to help me, but I have put it off. What communication exerecises are you familiar with?

I feel my wife is overly oppositional. I am working on some CD's from Dr. James Sutton, from docspeak.com, about ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Has your wife been tested and evaluated?.

If you are unable to get your wife straightened out, what are your options? It seems to me, that I will not be happy in MY retirement with my wife acting like she does.

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>