Most of you probably won't remember my story because it's been a couple weeks since I posted. To make it brief, my WH moved out about 5 weeks ago after about a year of "trying to work on things" - mostly me trying and him treating me like crap. He told me 7 months ago that he was in love with one of my best friends, though continues to deny a PA.
I have finally gathered the strength to exercise tough love (I feel like I need something in between plan A and plan B). He's been deployed for 2 weeks and at the beginning of that, I e-mailed him a letter basically saying there will be no more tears, no more begging. If you ever want me back you will have to win me back because you've taken all I have to give. I have received no response, which I expected. He's coming back today and will be around the whole week to see our kids. (I will make myself scarce.)
The problem is that now that I have finally gotten to the point of being able to distance myself emotionally enough to feel sane and to be "tough", I wonder if I would be able to take him back if that was ever an option. Now that I have had some distance from him to see things more objectively and less emotionally, I am shocked at all the emotional abuse I put up with, and I'm disgusted at the pathetic, sad, weak person I was becoming. I am also even more disgusted at WH and what an awful person he has become. I just have NO respect left for him. When I think of him, I wonder, how could I ever respect him? How could I ever want him to touch me? How could I live the rest of my life with this person that I have no respect or admiration for not only because of what he's done to me, but because of who he is as a person, and his lack of being what I consider to be a "real man". Is it possible that the fact that I was beginning to feel this way, that he has pushed me over the edge finally actually been the only thing that has enabled me to be strong?
This is all very strange ans scary for me because for the past year, I have been fighting for my marriage - it was all I cared about. I have cried and cried till I thought I couldn't cry anymore...
More than likely this won't be a problem because I can't really imagine him wanting to come back. But what is going on inside of me is foreign to me. I wonder, is this normal? Has anyone else felt like this?

Faith,

Of course your not being neglected. Some things are tough to give advice on and get pushed off the board.

It sounds to me like you have made some good progress with yourself and you should keep youself on that track.

Remember what you are doing for your self and why.

If he wants you back in his life he has to win you back just as you said. It is up to him to show you what you mean to him.

All you need to be concerned with is what you and your children mean to you.

You are getting stronger. Don't become that pathetic, sad, weak person again

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

I'm sorry you've received no responses. I'm not familiar with adultry, but I understand what you mean about respecting your H.

Have you read the concepts on the MB site? and thought about ways to implement them? I hope that you will consider trying to recover the marriage. My children were 4 & 2 when we split (although I'm much older than you) and I felt very much the same way as you.

Divorce is difficult on everyone involved. Make sure you can live with your decision whatever it is. But you owe it to all involved to try to recover the M, only then can you say later in life that you did all you could.

When you are so angry at his behavior, it is difficult to "meet his emotional needs". Why would you want to do that when he's so mean to you? Because it's the best way to get him emotionally involved again. Suck it up for a while. Be the best person and spouse that you can be. Show him the woman with whom he fell in love. Avoid Lovebusters.
Yes, it will be hard. But you'll learn that when one party is having their emotional needs met, they are more willing to meet the other persons needs.
To do this, you will need to set aside the anger, and stop keeping score. This is not tit-for-tat. You would do a Plan A for the best interest of all involved and may not notice immediate benefits to you - however, you could be laying the framework of a wonderful life together.

May God bless you and your family.

Read the MB concepts and begin using them after deployment. Guess as his emotional needs and begin meeting those at the top of the list, even SF despite your feelings of disgust.

Good Luck.

Newly,
I have stopped trying to meet his ENs because I can honestly say that for a year, I have met every single EN he could possibly have, except his need for freedom to do whatever he wants. That is the only real complaint he had. He admitted I was a wife that his co-workers and friends would LOVE to have. I would greet him at the door with a smile, hug, and kiss (good kiss!), I'd bring him a cold Pepsi or iced tea. I told him how onderful he ws, how sexy he looked, etc. I initiated sex almost every night. I could go on and on. I even tried to learn football for him and watch it with him. I did all of these things despite the emotional neglect and abuse he put me through.
During the course of this time, things only went downhill, though I didn't know because he felt too guilty to tell me. I had to find out from the OW that he was planning on moving out while I was visiting my sister.
Now he has moved out. Should I really keep trying to meet his ENs? I don't think he wants me to, and it seems to make matters worse, for both of us. I am just a little confused because when I don't, I withdraw and it feels scary. But also, it feels better than being an emotional wreck all the time and the constant rejection I get from him when I try to meet his ENs.

I replied without knowing your history.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the only real complaint he had. He admitted I was a wife that his co-workers and friends would LOVE to ha </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There was probably one need that you weren't able to meet - and he probably doesn't even know what it is.

Some people feel that they don't DESERVE their spouse and become emotionally distant since they can't live up to their life.

My X was emotionally distant and abusive, and a friend made a great point recently. She said he was never around the family because he never felt a part of the family. That is, he felt like an outsider. Despite including X in everything, he chose to look in from the outside.

I am much happier not walking on eggshells any longer, and I still worry about the emotional health of my daughters, now 6.5 & 4.5.

Good Luck to you.

What you are feeling is completely normal and is to be expected after a year of Plan A. Usually it’s best to move to Plan B before you are too drained. Unfortunately, I think women in particular have dulled senses when it comes to ebbing inner resources. For me, I just realized that there was absolutely nothing I had left to offer.

If he wants you back you can try to remember why you’re working on the marriage if only because of the children and the standard of living. But, I don’t see any sense in crossing that bridge until you come to it. Delving in too early could just set you up for heart ache.

I’m so sorry by the way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He admitted I was a wife that his co-workers and friends would LOVE to have </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So why aren't you the wife HE would LOVE to have? Have you asked him that question?

Plan A can only last so long before your feelings for him completely dissolve. Plan B is to preserve any feelings you may have left for him and to give you time to not have to worry about him and his needs and focus on yourself.

Inward focus will bring outward clarity in the end.

If you Plan B and work on getting rid of the "pathetic, sad, weak person", you'll thank yourself for it later.
Plan B- Take time for yourself to better yourself for yourself and not worry about the OP.

There comes a point in time where you transition from "wanting and fighting" for the M to being totally depleted of those feelings. I know that happened for me. I gradually started not caring as much about what she did, not worrying about where she was and just focusing on what short comings I had in the M that I needed to fix.

Best of luck and God bless!

I really don't know why I am not the wife HE would love to have. Yes, I've asked him and he says he doesen't know. He just has no feelings for me. I guess it is the fog. And the fact that I am not like the OW, so I will never make him happy (basically his words).
greengables, you are right, he has told me to stop "doing things" for him because it makes him feel guilty because he "can't" give back.
He told me he feels like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I can only imagine he must, since what he is doing goes against everyhting he has ever believed in and he waging a deadly war in his mind. It's like two separate personalities fighting each other. The selfish, immature one keeps winning. I wonder what he thinks about how Gollum ended up? I know he can see that evil is winning here. When I bring up the fact that he is sinning, going against God, etc, he says "I know it's sin, but I don't care. I don't care what God thinks." This from someone who lead a youth group for 4 years. (Some of the kids who he was a mentor to, and very close to have found out about this and they are so disappointed and upset!) I don't know how he can live with himself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"He just has no feelings for me. I guess it is the fog. And the fact that I am not like the OW, so I will never make him happy (basically his words)."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Classic fog talk. To me, it's impossible to truly "Love" two people at one time. I don't believe God gave us that capability. So what he thinks is "Love" is what he's getting from the OW where it truly is not. When people say they don't "Feel in Love" or what not, Love is a choice. We choose who we Love, we choose who we let in. Love is not just feelings and emotions, it's so much more. It's the conscious decision to Love someone unconditionally. Right now, he's going off of the pure "false feelings" and not the true meaning of "Love".

You will never be like the OW and should never want to be like OW. At one point in time you were THE woman he wanted. There was something about you that he saw and the reason you two got M.

The saddest thing about A's is people will do things no one ever thought they were capable of doing. Eventually we hope they will snap out of it, but it just depends if it's too late.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I bring up the fact that he is sinning, going against God, etc, he says "I know it's sin, but I don't care. I don't care what God thinks." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The sting of the truth hurts. God will do what ever it takes to get him back to him so he's in for more high seas if he doesn't snap out of it. It has to hurt even more that kids who once looked up to him are seeing him self destruct.

Luke,
Thanks for the kind words, again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I realized some today that I am maybe not as cold as I thought I was towards him, as I found myself actually looking a little forward to him coming home and then a little disappointed when I realized he was just going to be coming to get the girls and leaving. He was supposed to come home last night, but the plane broke, so he is just now getting back (it's a good thing I didn't have plans to go anywhere today...)
Still, though,my opinion of him has changed severely, but also I know I am protecting myself because the thought of being hurt by him again is just too much to bear.
I am doing better the past couple days than I expected. I fought back tears a lot on Saturday, and was pretty down Sunday, but the past couple of days I have been feeling pretty good, smiling and everything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I think it helps that I have a certain person who has been an inspiration to me, someone who gave me hope again.
So, when do we get to hear an update from you, stranger? There are lots of people on this forum who could stand to hear from you. I have already shared the success of your 180 with a couple people.
BTW, it was good to hear from you.