Hello my posting buddies!

I am very proud today. I went to a real live counselor! She was sooooo cool, mostly just listened to me vent (like y'all) and told me I was not crazy. Wasn't sure I could do it, but I kept the appt and am really glad now that I went.

Have the next one scheduled too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyways, STBX wife is still harping on me daily. Nothing I do is correct, I'm lazy, controlling, always 'hovering', etc. Gosh I wonder why she every married me LoL

Trying to be more assertive on important issues. Big one for me this week is how much time OW spends with my kids. Seems she sees them more than I do, since the wife takes her with them all anywhere she goes.

Told wife last week I wanted OW to see kids less, to interact with them less, and to stop buying them stuff. She only gets them little things, but still it's the principle.

Nothing changed this week, so I asked again today (nicely too dangit!) and got blown off.

Now I have a 3 week trip for work coming up end of next week. I know the OW and STBXW will be together constantly, so obviously my kids will become great friends with her even more. ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!

Think I will continue to be nice until I get back from my trip. I will continue to mention that I don't want OW around my kids 24/7, she will continue to ignore me. Then when I get back I will tell OW to her face to bug off my kids. That should make a stir in the pot! Hey I was nice first <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyways, how you are all??

Have a good nite <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Michael

Sorry for the grammer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm tired! LMAO

Whaler
You seem to really know a lot about this oppositional person stuff. I am going to read up on it. I think I am married to one. He must do the opposite of whatever I ask or I must make things seem they are his opinion or he wont do them at all. There is no discussion. Do you have any really good links?

On the golf cart issue. I dont understand why you would pay for a storage unit. Your son is an adult. He needs to either get those carts out of the way or spend his own money doing something with those carts. I mean you are playing for his studies that is a lot right there. Whether he does well in school is not up to you its up to him, let the burden be fully on him.

My friend, who has plenty of money paid the whole works, tuition, living expenses etc and his kid flunked first semester. He said ok that was the chance for the free ride, now if you wanna go you pay. She took out loans, worked some etc. He told her if she quit college before getting her degree not to come looking for him to pay her loans. That way she knew if she did not finish SHE was going to be the ones paying the loans. And she looked to study courses that might end up landing her a job in the real world. She went back to school , got mostly A's and now is starting med school in the fall. She got accepted at all three med schools where she applied. That from a kid who completely flunked out when on her dads payroll.

As a former college professor, now SAHM, I cant tell you how many kids came to my office crying the blues how they were not ready or didnt want to be in college but parents wanted them to go and were footing the bill etc. Usually the ones failing were either of this variety or of the I wanna be in college but I'm having too much fun to study variety. Almost always the failing kids are the kids with parents carrying the weight of the financial burden. Not to say that if the parents pay the kids are universally going to do bad. Many do great. But if they are failing nine times out of ten parents are paying.

My own parents paid my tuition. I could not live with them during colege so I paid all my living expenses by working a great deal. I would not recomend that route either becasue working practically full time and going to college full time is going to affect grades. I still did well but could have done better. A combination of loans and work is usually the best if a person takes that route.

But I just wanted to reiterate that at his age he really needs to be responsible for getting his carts put somewhere, and learning how/ where to study. Maybe he would do better at the libarary. Only he can figure this one out, you can just make suggestions. At this point he has to learn to be an independent learner and self motivated because that is really what is required to get through a college program

Good luck

Mike, sorry she's being so rough and disrespectful. It's stemming from the affair.

I think the less contact the better, but your counselor will know better than me.

I'm so glad your first session went well and that you seemed to have "clicked" with this counselor. Great job.

Dear Mike,

Glad you have a counselor who seems to be in your corner. That should help with the Mustard I was trying to talk about. If you are going away for 3 weeks, you might hold off on power plays for now, until you get back. Is there some particular activity that you feel would be an easy boundary to set? How about POJA on gifts by OW? Does the counselor have ideas of pulleys and levers by which to re-gain control?

I get run down at home, on occasion, and a strategy I am starting to use again is asking my wife to summarize her point, and change the subject, as I feel irritated, frustrated, oppositional, or whatever. I sometimes suggest a time frame for bringing up the subject again. It seems to get the point across that she is ragging on me excesively, and she usually takes a more pleasant turn. Sometimes there is a deeper scowl and silence, but even that is an improvement over ragging.

My wife started scolding my son, while I was at the dining room table. i excused myself, saying I was going shopping. I came back in a few hours. That is sort of undercutting my position, as my wife did not discuss what she was going to scold my son about, or ask how I felt would be a good approach. Scolding kicks in ODD.


Dear JSKJSK,

Dr. James D Sutton, dockspeak.com. I have the 2003 book and audio CD's, WHAT PARENTS SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ODD.

The book is mostly for parents with younger children, but it speaks of ways to talk to ODD individuals, in ways that avoid kicking in an oppositional response. Sutton talks about Front Loading versus Backloading. Backloading is complaining about the effects of past mistakes or oversights. Backloading kicks in ODD.

Frontloading is planning ahead. "In order to avoid adverse consequences A. B or C, we should try to get G, H and I done earlier than later." Something talking about the future, and plans, and how to avoid missteps.

I got the locker and combination lock today. I think my son needs to conceptualize the idea of utilizing a storage locker. The best way to conceptualize is to practice. By going to the storage locker to get his golf stuff, he will establish a new behavior pattern. Cost me $14.00 for the combination lock, and $36.00 for 1/2 Month. I am close to etching a new behavoir pattern into my son's mind. We'll see what the next couple weeks brings.

I think my son realizes that this is his last semester we are paying for, and he better figure out how to graduate. I took a message today from the Graduation department today, about a problem he has to resolve to graduate. I have been putting off confronting my wife on some issues, until I get my son with sufficient behavior patterns etched into his mind for success,

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>