A brief update for those who don't know.... I filed for divorce in 2002 from an abusive man. He fought for full custody of our 3 children, boys ages 10 and 6 (at that time) and a girl, 8. (NOw 12, 10, and 8). During this custody battle, my attorney learned that my ex had spent time in prison for molesting his 14 and 12 yr old stepsons in his first marriage. Needless to say, the judge gave me full custody, and required supervised visitation and counseling for him.

My ex has never gotten the counseling, nor seen the kids since that time. (Nov. 2002). He sends lavish Christmas and birthday presents to the boys, but not much to our daughter. Lately he has been sending me letters begging me to allow a visit with a family counselor present, who has no training in abuse issues, in a town 70 miles away. When I said no, he sent me letters accusing me of keeping his children from me, saying that the children will hate me when they learn what I've done to keep him away, that I am going against God's will....etc.

It breaks my heart that the children don't have a relationship with their dad. But from what I saw in our marriage (he refused intimicy with me, insisted our oldest boy be in wrestling and he would coach him, accusations by others of inappropriate touching), and from the advice I get from counselors trained in sexual abuse, I just can't comprimise.

Any encouragement or advice would be appreciated.

Trust your instincts, and the advice of educated counselors. You are not keeping the kids from him, he refuses to abide by the court ordered requirements.
Word of the week: Boundaries
Don't let him guilt you into things, it will continue to undermine your impressions.

I understand you… it’s really hard to see your kids growing with no (good) relationship with their dad…
but not in your case!!
Why would you feel guilty? For preventing YOUR KIDS to be molested, abused, disgraced??
Kids don’t need that kind of father AT ALL!
Just be a good mom, that’s enough for them to grow healthy… (it’ll help if they have a nice man around (cousin, friend) as ‘role model’ though…)

Why would I feel guilty? A. because I tend to feel guilty about everything that isn't perfect. B. because I want life to be perfect, and C. because he knows exactly which buttons to push to make me feel guilty.

I'm working on it. Can you imagine the guilt I"d feel if one of them were molested by him!!! Can't allow it to happen.

Male role models: my brother. my dad, until he passed away this last year. men in our church AWANA program. And now, my fiancee'. He's raised 2 well behaved, well adjusted children of his own (ages 17 and 20), and my kids seem to like him......the oldest already calls him his "stepdad", altho there are some power struggles there too. But that's another post....