I have a question that I know is very complex to answer but I am confused and need to know where to start…
My basic info:
44 year old man, born raised in Christian <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=home&v=55">home</a>. Oldest of 5, 2 brothers, 2 sisters., left for <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=college&v=55">college</a> Married in 1980 (I was 20, she was 18 so young) she had epilepsy and manic depressive, bi polar, borderline personality. We had 2 daughters one in 1982 and 1983. She attempted suicide many times, 1994 she had an affair, I wanted to keep <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=family&v=55">family</a> together. 1994, after much emotional blackmail I finally had an affair with who I thought was my soul mate, (and maybe she is).
I divorced first wife in 1995 and married 2nd wife. We had 2 girls, they are 6 and 7 now. We did well for a while but then I saw that she was all for herself. I was taking care of the kids diapers, feedings, nail clipping, <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=clothing&v=55">clothing</a> bathing etc… would come <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=home&v=55">home</a> from work and find them in same diapers I changed that morning. My wife would have ex husband in the <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=home&v=55">home</a> often. I felt alone because after many talks about this sit. She still invited him in. I would find the kids isolated in the living room day after day while she was on the <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=computer&v=55">computer</a> all day. I began to have episodes of going to the bar, driving and finding myself in other cities, (I think I was trying to escape because I was mentally overloaded). I checked into the hospital for a while. She did not come to visit. I was on a lot of meds that I finally just stop taking (prescribed by psychiatrist).
Again I drifted and met someone else. This <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=time&v=55">time</a>, though, I was looking for an excuse to stay <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=home&v=55">home</a>. I did not want to leave my two babies. I couldn’t believe that I was doing what I was doing. The woman I was having an affair with was really nice (I know that we were both doing really wrong but she was clean, had better ethics etc but still was doing wrong like I was). Long story short we both divorced and married each other 1 ½ years ago (2002 August 2).One thing though, in my heart I wanted my kids so bad. I still do. After the first few months we were having what we thought were adjustment problems. She had a real temper about any communication with my ex. I call my girls every night. They need me so much. She has her daughter (6 years old) and is overly indulgent to the point they go everywhere and many times I get left behind. She slept in the bed with us for months and still did up until the day I left. We had a plan for her mom to take her to her own bed till she fell asleep, then my 3rd wife would join me later. But her daughter would get up and come back in the bed with us every night. This was one issue. Her distain of me having to do anything with my ex (basic communication about the kids, having to pay my child support, etc) just drives her crazy. Eventually this poured out on my kids when they came for their bi weekly sleep overs. They bought me a <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=fishing&v=55">fishing</a> cap for <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=Christmas&v=55">Christmas</a> which I proudly wore, but my wife deducted that it was from my ex and was mad at me for in front of them. She quit doing all of the nice things she use to do for them (brush their <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=hair&v=55">hair</a>, paint nails, basically take care of them) and she finally told me that me and my <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=family&v=55">family</a> drove her nuts… I asked her what she wanted me to do because the way she put her daughter and her friend ahead of me I felt alone. So on 1-28-04 I moved back into my old apartment.
We are going to a marriage counselor who is really trying to work with us one problem at a <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=time&v=55">time</a>, but now that I have been away for this month, I notice that she is much more at ease, and I am also. I have these desires in my heart to want to end this relationship and try to fix my relationship with my second wife for my kid’s sake. They need me so bad. I feel like I left them in a little rubber raft to float aimlessly around. My ex has expressed that she really did <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=love&v=55">love</a> me and that she did make so many mistakes. I have not told either my ex nor my wife what I have been thinking because I do not <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=trust&v=55">trust</a> myself, nor do I want to destroy something that I have now, nor do I want to get my ex’s hopes up or my kids if this is not the right thing to do before God and everyone else.
I have confided in my older kids who have turned out to be quite intelligent in all of this. They see that I rushed too fast into this to begin with. They have consoled me to just stay where I am for now and take some “time out” for a while. Pray. They have not told me what to do but listen to me. My mom feels that I also should just stay put for a while but offered that she thought because I had the kids first before my wife, that I was obligated to them and their needs first. I have been doing much more with them and my older girls than I have before. In one respect it feels right. In another I want to do right by my marriage, but feel like this was wrong from the beginning. We have followed the path that the marriage consoler has drawn up, listening to our concerns. My wife wants to be able to handle everything, but she admits that she just doesn’t know if she can. I can’t go back unless I know 100 % for sure that she can deal with some stability, these issues. I will not put my girls at risk anymore. It has been one month today that I have been here at the apartment.
I feel the longer I stay here the more I am thinking about a plan to reconcile with my ex. This would take, most probably, several years to complete. I could not go back until this relationship was done, and our previous and any existing issues would be resolved. There would have to be much consoling. But during that <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=time&v=55">time</a>, I would be spending much more <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=time&v=55">time</a> with my girls. I want to be there for them like a normal dad, not several times in a two week period. I <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=love&v=55">love</a> them so much. I don’t hate my ex, I don’t hate anyone, another problem I have. I don’t even hate my first wife, I pity her. She can suck the life out of you emotionally but I can’t hate or blame. I wish I could have stayed and weathered her emotional problems. I can never forgive myself for that. I even feel so bad for my two older kids. What they went through, they shared with me and so gave me more focus for my little ones and their emotional needs.
I want to go back after that misguided raft and bring them back in and stabilize their lives. But, I want to do the right thing all around and in God’s eyes. I feel I have done enough damage. I don’t want to do more harm. I need advice. I know you have heard this story a 1000 times if not more. Please respond… I am sorry this is so long but I am pouring my heart out in all honesty. My parents have loved me despite myself. I have lied, committed adultery, really, I have not been calculated though, I have done things born out of sadness and loneliness. But I have been selfish nonetheless. I am getting older and am seeing what impact I have had on my kids. I have this one chance to rescue them. The day I left them, I told myself I would not block their cries out of my heart. I would not forget them. And I have not. I would not get use to nor sooth my soul by burying the reality of their hurt. Help me… I need advice in all of this. Thx
<small>[ February 26, 2004, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: lovemykids44 ]</small>
