I"ve met someone wonderful! We're engaged, no date set yet as we want to take our time to make it work. It's been 2 years since I've seen my ex, 18 months since the divorce was final.

His children are 20 and 17, live with their mom, see him most weekends, have a good relationship and get good grades, well behaved, etc.; I don't expect any big issues there.

My children are younger and were scared of their natural father's temper, altho now he doesn't see them at all.

Oldest son is 13, varies from calling my fiancee' his "stepdad", to being very upset when he's called on the carpet for being disrespectful of me or not doing what he's told.

Daughter is 10. She is wary of my fiancee, seems to like it when he hugs her or compliments her, hasn't really warmed up to him. Really wants her own dad back, even tho at one time she asked me to move away while he was at work, so he couldn't threaten us anymore.

Youngest son is 8. He thinks my fiancee is great, climbs in his lap, loves being with him.

So is this all pretty normal? What should I watch for? Any guidelines on how my fiancee and I can work together to make this not only a good marriage, but a good family?

Happened to catch Dr Phil the other day, never have seem it before, and they had a woman on in a second marriage thatw as having extreem problems with the spouse's children. She was swearing at them, saying F this if you don't like it get out, this is my house, if you don't like it get out.

The husband was ready to leave. She said he never was the discplinarian and she had to do it and now she was the bad person. To be honest, I would have told her to take a hike.

Your fiancee and you has to realize he is not the parent. While he may own the home he does not "own" the the kids, he may be your husband, but he is not their father.

I have some of the same issues with my g/f and her kids. They like me, but I am not sure they repsect me. That is one reason we are holding off on getting married. My kids would probably be the same, although they have not been around her as mucg as I have been around her kids.

This is why that second marriage have a worse record for divorces than first marriages. I too would have told the woman to take a hike if she treated my kids like that.

There are a number of books dealing with combined families. I am sure someone will recommend them. Family counseling would also be a plus.

Hey Anna... congratulations on the engagement! Woo hoooo! There IS life after divorce, huh?

I'm engaged too.

Give your kids time. You needed time to work out your divorce. So do they. I expect kids need a bit more and are perhaps a bit more prone to denial... your being engaged probably has them wondering what the heck is going on. Plus, I would imagine that kids aren't able to separate your x-husband from this new guy so there is lots of comparison going on in their minds.

I prescribe fun family outings with your fiance so that they can interact with him in many different settings: camping, the park, plays, dinners, picnics, playing games, etc.

I should clarify that we do not live together. My fiancee' did live an hour away and we only saw each other on weekends until we got engaged. He moved here and got an apartment 3 blocks away. He comes over for supper most nights, helps the kids with homework, we have some family time and then he goes home around 8:30.

When we get married, we plan to move to a home that is new to all of us...as we don't fit in his apartment and I don't want to "shoehorn" him into our house.

I have no issues with how he treats my children. He is respectful, but very firm. I tend to be overly leniant and permissive, so that is a good thing.

It's just helping the children adjust that's not always easy.

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

He shouldn't be disciplining them at all, either strictly or leniently. Discipline is the parents' job.

I'm sorry but I don't agree that a step-parent shouldn't discipline a child. My husband disciplines my children and I don't mind at all. He doesn't treat them any different than he does his own children. And it's not spanking them. It's time outs and taking away priviledges. If I'm not home and one of my sons does something that I would normally punish them for, I expect my husband to go ahead and do it himself. What good does it do to make them wait until I get home from work to set the punishment? And if for some reason I don't agree with it, we discuss it and come up with a more reasonable punishment. I expect my children to respect their step-father, just as I expect his sons to respect me.

My remarriage has been a blessing for me and my sons. They have no father in their lives, and my husband has stepped up and taken on the responsibility. By marrying me, he is not only the father of 2 of his own sons, but the step-father/main father figure for my 3 sons. And he's doing an incredible job at it. If it wasn't for my husband, my 6 yr old would have nothing to talk about when the other children at school talk about doing things with their dads. And at the end of kindergarden last year, he would have had no one to make a father's day gift for. He would have no man to help coach his t-ball team. And no father figure cheering for him during football season. The same thing goes for my other sons. There would be no man in their lives to do the things that Dad's do.

Step parents can sometimes be the best things for children!!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dr. Mom (my mom, the psychotherapist who just received her Ph.D.) says that there are exceptions, but generally speaking, step-parents should NEVER discipline the spouses children.

In Mitzi's case, I believe her family *is* an exception. The father is MIA, and the *only* father-figure they have is her husband, who loves them. She and her H have an agreement that when she isn't home, he is to discipline them. Plus, they all LIVE together. It's not an every-other-weekend thing. It all makes perfect sense.

For me, I won't do it,and I am not left alone with my H's children either - for just this reason.

My stepkids have a dad, my husband, and it's his job. They have a mother, and it's her job.

Me? I just make cookies, watch movies with them, try to talk to them about life (I'm rarely very successful, even after three years) or hide in the bedroom if things get rough, which they do some weekends. But it does let them have time with their dad alone.

When things get very hairy, I have been asked to intervene, and have used my "mean face" but never yell. I just quietly tell them how things will go. Like, "Be glad I am not disciplining you or else you would have had to open and shut that door a hundred times to remind you to lock it next time." They about died when I told them my mother did that to me - she was big on letting the punishment fit the crime... but I digress. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 11:44 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

Congratz on the Engagement! Out of curiosity, how long had you been dating before the engagement?


The discipline/not to discipline question is a tough one.

On one hand, if the step parent doesn't discipline the kids I believe that gives the kids a poor image of the step parent. They think they can do what they want to and not have to worry about that person ever disciplining them and which results in them eventually losing respect for that person.

Then on the other hand, as a SP the kids aren't your "biological" kids. And some people feel it's "not your job" to discipline them, but instead it's the responsibility of the "biological" parents.

Here in lies one of the problems. If it's the H who is the SD, he is supposed to be the head of the household and discipline to me would be a responsibility of that position. So to take that away from one or the other would be undermining their ability as a parent.

If you get M, you are basically forming a family and if you happent to have kids from a previous M it just happens that the kids are already around. I would think as the SP you would assume the role of H or W and any of the responsibilities associated with it regardless of if they are or are not your "biological" kids. And vice versa, I would think they "biological" parent would want you to take on those responsibilities also.

I can see down the road where the balance of responsibilites could build up resentment for one person or the other and some very resentful words could be exchanged.

I heard from a friend that in any case the chances of a child that really likes a step parent is pretty thin. She knows from experience. I know my kids seem to like my xwfies bf and my kids really like my gf. My gf has a son and he is slowly warming up to me. It is not so much that he dislikes me he is just a 15 year old boy. Feels like he is the man of the house and I'm invading on his turf. We do things together and my gf says that no man she has ever dated has done stuff with him.

We are going to move in together. He will be under my roof. Will I be able to disipline him, yes. You know there are still things that are right and wrong. If he is doing somehting wrong he will know it, we all know when we do something wrong, and he should expect action to be taken against him. Am I goingn to be a tyrant and constatly keep him down, no. I will be fair and understanding, just like I am with my own kids.

Peace

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and advice! For the record, we have known each other 16 months (met 2 months before my divorce was final, but only saw each other once a month at group meetings); and we've been dating for 8 months. Yes, we both know we need more time, which is why no date is set, we simply have a commitment not to date anyone else and our goal is marriage.

"Discipline" means such different things to different people. I appreciate that he asks and expects my children to behave decently and respectfully towards each other and other people. We differ on some points..... like whether leaving food on your plate causes people in China to starve.....but agree on most areas as we both have the same religious and ethnic background. I tolerate more noise level than he does; perhaps because he only had his children every other weekend growing up; I have mine all the time.

My children's natural father has had no contact with them in over a year, does not pay child support, and I suspect my fiancee will pay a strong father role.

I'd appreciate hints on how to negotiate "discipline".....meaning backing each other up, negotiating rules together. I will not allow him to spank or physically discipline my children as I think it's inappropriate....and at 12, 10, and 8, there are more effective ways to accomplish discipline anyway.