I filed for divorce a few weeks ago, H never acknowledged it, continued to deny that he was still seeing OW even though I followed him to her house. Now OW has dumped him, heard thru friend that she told him she won't leave her new boyfriend once he's divorced. Now he's acting like he is coming out of fog & may want to reconsider us. How do I tell him that I don't want to be second choice without completely ruining all hope. The D will happen quickly because we don't have any kids together. I won't stop it unless he asks me to, but I don't even know if we can work it out anymore, don't know if I can live with being second choice.

I don't know what to tell you, I feel the same way. As much as I've wanted to save our marriage, do I really want a husband who would rather be with someone else if he could? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Maybe some more experienced members can help us both out!

First of all, I am glad you're here.

Secondly it doesn't seem he is out of the fog.

He was dumped.

My x did the same thing. Called me crying when OW1 dumped him (monkey). He was sad and all remorseful but within about a week he had moved in with OW2. She was his second choice. He could cry to me and be all remorseful and say he was sorry for all he did to us and yada yada yada, but he KNEW I WOULD REQUIRE TOO MUCH OF HIM IF WE WERE TO RECONCILE.

I suspect your stbxh might know that you'd require him to be do such a thing as be faithful and recommit to his marriage...so he may be doing this as a rebound thing and not completely committed to doing the right thing.

This is a tough issue and for clarity's sake, I would recomment a clinical specialist in psychology on this issue. You need to find ways to heal, find out if he is serious at healing at all, and then make your conclusions about what YOU will do.

Reconciliation doesn't start with your h and end with your h. You are a big part in this too. Don't forget that.

There's alot of codependent people in this world. My x was one..Is one..He COULDN'T BE ALONE. When OW1 dumped him, he called me crying and saying alot of things...when I said "well what ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?" he said.."nothing b/c I ruined everything..what else is there for me to do?". Then he moved in with OW2. He was just testing the water to find out who WAS LEFT THERE FOR HIM. It wasn't about doing the right thing or coming out of the fog. It was about him and HIS NEEDS.

I hope I am wrong but it seems this new behavior serves the needs of your stbxh.

People SAY alot of things...It's best to watch WHAT THEY DO. You learn more from that. In rebuilding my new life as a single woman and mom, I have recently started dating again. That is huge to me. One day when I choose to settle down again, I will want to be with somebody who's actions match their words positively. That's all the good advice I can pass on.

I hope you are able to heal together...seek out wise counsel and find out what is really going on with him.

You are right, I'm not sure if he is coming out of the fog but it does appear that way. Not in what he's saying but I see a difference in the little things. I think he knows he's still confused & he isn't asking me to take him back right now, and I can't take him back right now. Your right, it's not just about what he wants & needs. I know I will need time, the whole thing is so complicated. We were so happy for so many years, I miss that & I truly believe he loves me but he is afraid that I will require too much to reconcile, (his Ego is HUGE), I don't think he loved the OW but he thought it would be easier to start over than to face all he's done. But he has told so many lies, I don't know if trust is possible anymore. Sad part is, we got along very good, had many things in common & truly seemed right for each other but he has some issues to work out within and I'm tired of having my life on hold (it's been 2yrs of this), we don't have children together but we blended families & they mean a lot to me too. They don't want this divorce and I want to give it the best for everyone involved but now is that right for me?Now, I'm confused. Time will tell I guess, but I'm tired of time wasted.

dear love lost, i sort of know what u are going through right now. my h seperated from me about 4 mnths ago and we have tried reconciling three times. we are young. i am 22, he's 23 so he is being really immature. i practically initiated everything. i took him out, took him to nNw Orleans for his b-day. anyway, now he has supposedly filed for divorce. but there is nothing i can do about it, so i guess we just have to wait and pray. hope they come out of the fog.

maybe we should buy our hubbies some fog lights!