my day off yestday, we watch a movie together, & talk about school & if anything is brothering him. got a letter addressed to him from dad, didnt wont to spoil our night, know how it effects him. gave him letter after movie was over, it was his BCBS medical card, just a note saying I love you always will. X always puts this but nothing more. it would be nice to ask son how he is doing but it seems X doesnt want to hear.

son threw away the letter, gave me the card. heard some pretty nasty language from son, then told him I didnt like hearing that from him. thats when he told me it would have been better if dad was dead then he could get SS check. not sure who he has been talking to, maybe friends, he has not heard this from me.

son wants dad to say he is sorry for everything & to do what he said he was going to do before D was final. that day will never happen, x is so deep in fog he will never come out. X believes that MOW & him fell in love after both D. they are believed to be M, but hiding it because we are in appeal court & you cant M until its over.

son hates this woman & dad knows it, I believe dad has given up on him for this reason. son has no contact with dad since 5-02 & X believes son will come to him after he is grown to find out the truth? dad was the one to tell our then 11yr old about having A with MOW & why he was leaving his mom. I can see the hate building for his dad, it scares me sometimes to think if they ever meet son may do something he will regret.

now that we have a medical card I plan to get help for our son. maybe talking with a dr will help him get over his hate & find peace with his dad.

I just needed to vent, my son is a good person & doesnt need this extra baggage X put into his life.

I rarely post on this board but your post caught my attention today.

First of all, I don't know your story, but from this one post I can pretty
much piece together the jist of it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am sorry that you are going through this but I am sure that you want the very best for your son.

Here is what I believe your son is REALLY saying. He is saying; "Dad, please
love me." "Please leave that woman and come back to us, to the family."

He probably got his hopes up opening that letter from his Dad and then they were dashed when he realized it was nothing more than a formality.

He wants so desperately to have a relationship with his father and he feels abandoned by him.

In anger and hurt he made that comment but as I am sure you realize nothing could be farther from the truth of what he really wants. (I am sure I am not telling you anything you don't know already deep in your heart - and you DID say you were just "venting" so I realize this)

Bottom line, he wants his Dad. He wants him so desperately that he will act out
and rage and swear and do whatever he can to get out that emotion.

You seem to be asking what YOU can DO? You might not like my answer but this is honestly what I believe, as one who has been there:

Your task? Do WHATEVER it takes to foster a relationship between him and his dad.
This will be the hardest thing you ever do (and trust me BTDT one.. with my own ex
and boys) but if you love your child, you'll do it for him.

That means that regardless of your feelings toward your ex and all the hurt he has
caused you and your son, you will NOT talk down about him. You will need to bite
your tongue from here on in. (vent here, or to someone close to you that you trust to not share with the child)

Do not discuss your ex and his "new" woman with
your child EVER. There is NEVER a good reason to discuss this stuff with children.
Do not keep the angry fires burning against him and you will not project your own pain onto the boy.

Read up on "Parental Alienation" and make sure that you are not contributing to the problem in any way. They have websites on this and there are usually a check list of things that custodial parent's can see if they are doing.

It was quite an eye opener for me. I didn't realize that some of the things *I* was doing in the name of "preserving the kid's security" was actually contributing to their alienation from their Dad. (and even moreso on HIS part)

I know what I have to say is not all that encouraging to hear, but trust me, it is YOUR part in this. I have seen too many parent's do the wrong things in an attempt to "help" the children through this devastating time, only to hurt them more.

I know that sometimes a WS will get counsel from people that says: "wait it out", "the kids will come around eventually". It sounds to me that he is doing that now. He may be waiting for his son to make a bridge to HIM. I know, that is an immature, unrealistic view, but many times that is where their silly little fog heads are at.

Can you suggest that the boy write his Father back? I wonder if that might open the door a little and cause the ex to see the tiny crack in he door? Just a suggestion that way.

Again, I am so sorry for your pain, my heart broke reading your post today.


Blessings,
Dzzz

I know too well what you are going thru. I have 4 children and all but 1 will have nothing to do with father.

My 19 YO daughter recently had some scary chest pains and faintness..I have to take her to a cardiologist in beginning of march and she has not told her dad anything. Since he announced his engagement to OW, she has completely shut him out.

I have not encouraged their (any of the kids) relationship, neither have I discouraged it. Am I wrong?????????

They see what he did was not just to me, but the whole family. They see the extent of his lies, and how I tried to hold the family together despite all his DUI's, addictions, OW and even the abuse.

X thinks it is my fault that he has no relationship with the kids now. He was telling my youngest that he thinks daughter will come around soon, I only see her hatered of him getting worse.

I dont ever see the fog lifting for him. It has to be an escape mechanism for him. If he were to come out of the fog, he would have so much guilt I dont think he could live with himself.

We just have to seek God's will for us and do the best we can.

In the meantime, counseling is a good idea. My daughter is inquiring about health services, and may have set up an appointment for herself.

Keep your chin up.
Dawn

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Let me share my story, which is very similar to yours... After my WH confessed the A to his daughters (14 & 16 yr old) in 10/03, they refused to have anything to do with their father - the shock of the confession was too much to bear. They completely shut him out of their lives. "I" am the one to see the pain, devastation, loss and depression on their faces... "I" am the one helping them pick up the shattered pieces of their lives. WH was no where to be found - just enjoying the OW, his tatoos, and a Harley Motorcycle for 2 months straight!

WH was VERY SPECIFIC: Unless the girls ACCEPTED the OW in his life, he REFUSED CONTACT WITH THEM, his own daughters!. So, no contact continued- girls couldn't handle the betrayal and the lies. This showed me how utterly selfish, immature and totally ignorant my WH was and still is! This "no contact" with their dad threw them both into feeling that "they" were the cause of the divorce, their father didn't love them enough and he would NEVER LOVE THEM AGAIN, (how could he, he's involved with OW and her 15 yr old son!) bad grades in school and behavior problems. I, being the BS who is a kind, caring and a concerned parent, put aside my anger toward my WH and pleaded with him to make his daughters a priority in his life - they both were going downhill fast.... His response was the same: acccept his G/F or no contact!

We have since moved out of state, 2000 miles away from WH and OW. Oh yes, he didn't want family responsibilities and very, very limited contact (and now he's dealing with a 15 yr Boy?- okay, I'm confused!). He never even wanted us to stay nearby, to co-parent, to be a "father" to his daughters. It's been 10 weeks since we've left and sadly enough, he's only talked with them a total of 3 times, maybe a grand total of 10 minutes - and that's because of my INSISTANCE !! Pathetic, Sad and totally beyond belief. My heart continues to break each and every day for my childrens loss and pain.

While I believe the Custodial Parent should do everything in their power to help the "relationship" between WS and children, this is not always possible, as in my situation. Sometimes its best you take a wait and see approach. I have been told by my IC that "I" need to let WH and girls rebuild on their own. It is very difficult but one strategy that I'm using. I do however always "encourage" my daughters to write their dad a letter, call him, stay in contact with him, DESPITE all the pain he has caused. And yes, I ALWAYS tell my girls that their father LOVES THEM, NO MATTER WHAT (even though I personally question this one).

I'm ANGRY that "I" always have to keep the lines of communication open. WH caused the pain, let him do some of the "fixing!" But for now, as long as he remains in the "fog" nothing will change. I'm afraid he will never give up this OW as he is now talking marriage and our D isn't even final yet (about 3 weeks away!) I can only say that my girls have said if he does marry this OW, they will completely DISOWN HIM. Wow, strong statement for these girls to make. So, for me, I will "wait and see" and continue to support my girls in any way possible.

ME- BS (41)
WH (42)
DDay: 1/03
Confessed to 3 month PA
9/03 - confessed AGAIN TO Ongoing PA - same OW
10/03- Separated and divorce filed
3/04 - Divorce to be finalized

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do not discuss your ex and his "new" woman with
your child EVER.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is the father's behavior that has alienated the child, not talking about the behavior. No amount of criticism on the part of the mother could ever alienate a child from his father if the father demonstrated by his behavior that it was without basis. All the father has to do is no tell the child that the affair was hurtful, cruel, and wrong, that he had ended the affair, and that he would do whatever he could to make it up to the child - and I bet in almost all instances, the child would forgive him (assuming he carried through with his promises). The WS generally just want to have their cake and eat it too, to continue in their immoral behavior and blame someone else for the fact that their children have a problem with it.

Children are the ones that get hurt the most over their fathers betrayal and sexual activity with their other woman. I know, my oldest son read my at the time H's very graphic sexual e-mails he sent to the other woman. The son got so mad at his father, and went to hit him and I heard he yelled at his father. I heard this from the kids, that their brother was so upset. And it hurts to this day to hear that my son was so upset over his fathers stupidity.

Kids, hurt, they need counseling, and need to vent their feelings out. I was not able to take my kids to counseling, cause at the time my WH said, the kids will be fine. He talked to them about his bimbo, and his feelings about our marriage. I still wanted them to seek counseling but didn't have the insurance. So the kids have had to deal with this by themselve. There is still a lot of anger with the kids. And they do know that their father did a morally wrong thing. And the kids know that the bimbo took quite a bit of our money, for his and her pleasures.

So I would suggest that the son get counseling if you are able to afford it. They are hurting like Diamond said, they want to hear that their father loves their mother. They want to hear that the father is sorry for all that he did. But in reality, the wayward H's don't care about the mohter, they only care about their feelings, and really nobody else. I see, with what is happening in my home and my children, that my X is really into himself. I let him be now, cause he is a lost cause.

You and your son had some good times togehter. And with him throwing that letter away, tells you that he is mad, and hates his father. Just be there for him and express your love to him and say this is not fair, which it is not.

Hon, these are hard times, and it is going to be rough. Keep posting here, and find information that is soo... valuable from all the experiences everyone has had here. Good luck.

D was nasty, X had OW & another girlfriend try to get warrants on me. X thought this would give him custody of our son, this backfired on X, one of the reason son wants no part of OW. our son was at home when the sheriff officer came over, when someone knocks at our door you can see the fear in son face. son sits in room with blinds closed. X told son he would take him by force if he didnt see him, telling him the sheriff office is coming to get him & make him live with him & OW.

X had be calling our home, leaving threating messages. X has said he wants me in Jail & son knows this. talked with son about dad, but he vented his angry towards me. Dr. said its up to dad to try not me.

talk with son yesterday. ask him what if dad would change back into the person he was before the A. son said dad wasnt a good dad anyway. I did not say anything, he was right. X never spent any time with son or show him any love. I dont blame X, he came from a family that didnt show their feelings.

X has come to son school twice, afterwards son starts failing in grades. son refused to see dad each time. Ive ask X to give our son time to heal but he said state of Al. gave him papers on his child, he owns him. does that sound like a dad who loves his child?