Uh...

THE SEVERELY BURNED? Ah hem...

I am doing quite well. I think it's sad and tragic how some people justify breaking up a family...for what?

As for me, the severely supposed burned one is dating and doing darn well...feeling and getting on with life faster than I thought I would.

I am SO GLAD that I am blessed to be able to pick up my pieces with A CLEAN HEART. I have NO GUILT about anything I did and can say I would do everything over again. When I go to dinner with somebody, I don't have guilt. I don't wonder if "will somebody see us?" or "how will my child take it" or any of the horrible self depricating feelings that go along with being a cheater and adulterer.

I guess I am burned but HAVE ONLY BEEN BURNED ONE TIME AND IT DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM..Aside from posting here just learning (I think one post adulterer here called it "adjusting")how the lives of the divorced work, my life is getting better day by day.

I also find it amazing how some people here from the other side of the fence read of how us, the BS are getting on with things...that's wierd kind of actually.

And no, I don't believe most A marriages will work.

Picked up son after school yesterday and son exclaims "FV was crying last night and daddy was talking REALLY loud with her." Yea, this shotgun honeymoon ended months ago. I suppose it did right after she had enough cajones to actually call me up on the phone.

So why in the heck might I ask are the A marriage people here? I think one's marriage has trust issues...Wonder why...

And it's amazing to me also how these M out of A's the people are here learning MB techniques. We all know this is a site to support those who've gone through pain of A. Could it possibly be that more A's are entering these new post-affair marriages?

If you have a foundation made of quicksand, then how's your house gonna stand? I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is what it is.

As for me, I wake up each day and thank God for the shoes I am wearing vs. the shoes of my xh. I'm getting on with life and moving forward and if my family and close friends are right, I will probably not be a spinster in any way whatsoever. But I am not rushing into happiness. It begins with me. Not with somebody else.

So no, this BS is not sitting at home knitting or crying. Not at all.

I understand and really don't want anyone to feel sorry or empathy for my situation. I made the decisions I made with free will (although I didn't consider some of the consequences involved) I guess I'm just sharing so the next person may think twice about doing it. Have a good weekend
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Guilt Is My Name wrote:
One issue that continues to surface is that I realize that my new wife and I don't really trust each other. I had that with my EX and I will tell anyone, that is priceless. The new wife is very insecure. She says she just misses me so much when I'm at work, but I'm slowly realizing that she doesn't trust me when I'm away from her. We love each other, but I'm starting to get scared that I will resent her later on. About a year ago the OWtold me I could see my sons anytime I want (which I do). But now she starting to say things which indicate that she may be changing her mind.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi GIMN,

I can imagine that most the BS here are feeling a small degree of vindication when reading what you wrote above. I'm sorry, but I can't say that I feel too much empathy for the situation you put yourself in.

I just don't understand why someone would marry an affair partner when clearly that person doesn't respect marriage.

I do thank you for your honesty though. It's not easy baring your soul here especially when you're a WS in a sea of BS.

Jo </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

To all the BS's suffering from the pain of a new divorce/betrayal, I can testify that it will not last forever!!! When you decide to put the FOCUS on your life and stop fretting over your Ex being happy or not happy with his/her decisions, you'll have taken that huge step that is necessary to move on with your life despite the past. PAST is the key word. You can't change it. You can't change whether or not your Ex marries/stays married to the former OP or if they are happy or not. Let it go I say! It was the key for me. My Ex married his OW over 20 years ago. Certainly glad I didn't put my life on hold waiting for them to fail!! Oy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Reality shows us that some marriages that start out as affairs do make it, some don't. I read an article that quoted the stats not long ago. It was an actual study, not one therapist quoting his numbers. The divorce rate according to this study for second marriages is only slightly higher than first marriages. If you agree with Frank Pittman (Private Lies) he says:

"In long-standing marriages, over 90 percent of the divorces involve infidelity." and "People don't often leave marriages without first being unfaithful".

Bottom line is that it is not in your control and will serve you no good purpose to pay your Ex and his new wife any attention beyond things concerning your children and coparenting matters.

That's great advice, TFS. And I agree with it. It just doesn't offer pratical advice as to how to do it tho.

Some of us need to work things out. And what I've learned here at MB on the D/D board is a good number of the BS that have "moved on" seem to only have done so once they replaced their ex or got involved with someone else post-divorce.

I would very much like to be completely happy on my own without having to rely on someone else for that happiness. I want to be whole and feel indifference towards my ex before I call myself relationship-ready.

I want to come here and say "Life is the best it can be, I'm really a better person in-spite of the betrayal and subsequent divorce, I've grown and learned some much about myself, and oh, BTW: I'm still on my own, my choice, and happy about that too"

Jo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>And what I've learned here at MB on the D/D board is a good number of the BS that have "moved on" seem to only have done so once they replaced their ex or got involved with someone else post-divorce.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jo - I hear ya, gal. Are you talking about me?

Will you allow me to give a slight twist to this? You know I have your best interests in mind.

I believe I "moved on" when I decided that I had no interest in EVER restoring a romantic relationship with my XW. Summer is a state of mind.

I confirmed my season when I finally began "prospecting" for a new relationship. What I learned here about relationships seemed to be almost "cheating" on the competition. I was WAY ahead of other guys in the dating pool. Relationship steroids, if you will. I had a confidence in knowing what I was doing that was empowering. I KNEW what I was doing and I KNEW what I was looking for. And I found a wonderful woman - after several false starts.

As you know, I'm now just about 18 months into that new relationship and each day I'm reminded how much better it is than my marriage ever was.

You have long been at the point, I believe, of a summer-potential state of mind. What you have learned about relationships here, and all the help you've provided others, is a testament to your potential in a new relationship of your own.

Put on your smile and your cut off shorts. Summer's coming.

Dave

Want My Wife Back:

I'm so sorry for you and your little ones. They (especially the 4 year old) must be so confused and scared; I understand what an impossible position this puts you in.

Your son probably sees you as the solid, secure figure in his life right now. Mommy went away, she comes to see him but then she goes away again. Your kids are about the same age as my boy, so I think about how insecure he felt over all the transition. Kids 3-4 years old don't deal with transition well anyway, and having a parent move out shakes up their whole world. They may be scared that, while they're visiting mommy, you'll leave them too.

My son has gotten SO MUCH BETTER about this now. He used to scream whenever exH came to pick him up, he cried for me while with exH, and cried for exH when with me. We tried lots of things to make it easier, including a 30 minute "transition phase" when exH would come into the house and play with son there (while I was in the house too) before taking him on an outing. I gave son plenty of notice about when he would see daddy, when he would be with me, etc. We made a calendar and put blue stickers on the days he's with daddy after pre-school, and yellow stickers on the days I picked him up. Anything like that I could think of to give him some sense of routine and predictability to his days. I don't know if those things necessarily made the difference, it could be that he's older now and more adjusted to the situation, but he's much much better and seems to transition between Mommy and Daddy fairly easily.

Helping them through this means that their well-being is, for now, more important than your hurt and anger. As tempting as it is for me to be less than enthusiastic about my son's visits with his dad (being apart from my son for sometimes days on end is not how I want to parent), around him I really try to talk it up. "You'll have lots of fun with Daddy, what do you think you'll do together, etc." He needs a good relationship with his dad, even though his dad hurt me so much and wanted out of our marriage. Sometimes I think that exH created this situation, why should I help make it better for him? If exH doesn't have a good relationship with his only child, it is the predictable consequence of bad decisions he made. He should clean it up himself.

But then, while exH may deserve the loss/damage of the relationship with son, my son doesn't deserve the loss/damage of the relationship with his dad. It is for my son's benefit that I swallow my pain over the divorce, exH's relationship with OW, the fact that she'll be part of son's life if they do in fact marry. That sounds like I'm a martyr - I'm not!! I'm simply trying to make the best of this crappy situation for my son, and I really believe that means putting aside my contrary feelings when dealing with exH about son. That doesn't mean that I always give in to exH, but as long as he's acting reasonably then I can act civilly. I recognize that he avoided bringing OW around for as long as he did because I asked him to. He didn't have to do that. I believe he's (most of the time) trying to do what's best for son as well.

Maybe your kids need your permission and reassurance that - if divorce is going to be the resolution of this situation - it is still going to be OK. That the chaos will take order and they'll be loved and cared for by both parents.
I think your kids will look to you for how to deal with this.

I'm trying to give you practical suggestions, but I realize that your situation is different from mine. You're not even divorced yet, your STBX isn't working with you to make the adjustment easier for the kids, she doesn't seem to be respectful of how difficult her relationship with OM is for you. But you can deal with this in a way that benefits your kids. And they will be OK if they can count on you to be calm and stable for them. You sound like a loving and caring parent. You'll do fine.

I guess I disagree with the "the affair began with sin and lies therefore the marriage is doomed to eternal misery and failure" theory. The prospect of them living happily ever after is hugely painful for me, but unless OW gets wildly neurotic like Nellie1's exH's new W and tries to interfere with exH and son spending time together, I don't know that they are destined to be miserable. But I also don't want to spend much time thinking about the status of their relationship.

Guiltismyname: Thanks for your honest thoughts on your current situation. I was only shocked by one part of your reply

____________

"About a year ago the OWtold me I could see my sons anytime I want (which I do). But now she starting to say things which indicate that she may be changing her mind."

___________

Why in the world would you tolerate ANYONE, let alone your new W who is supposed to love and support you, dictating how much time you spend with your children? She needs to deal with her insecurities, and the two of you together need to deal with your trust issues. But your kids need you regardless of how secure your W is feeling at that moment. Don't let anyone sabotage your relationship with them.

From what I have read, on this board and elsewhere, it is far more common than not for the OW to try to interfere in the relationship between the father and his children, and especially to try to limit their time together. It is obvious why the OW's are insecure of course, and when the children are present the OW's are constantly reminded of their mother. I am not at all sure that my H's OW is atypical - I have read accounts here of others that are even worse.

Nellie:

REally? I guess I'm pretty naive about stuff. So far that hasn't happened in my situation. I'll keep on the lookout for it.

Why any woman would want to do that is beyond me. I would think that loving and caring for your H would mean loving and caring for his kids. How short-sighted and cruel to try to limit the relationship he has with his children.

I just don't understand some people.

I ran into an old firend of ours today, hadn't seen him for awhile, I've lost close to 75 lbs since I last seen him , he didn't reconise me, kind of a neat feeling. We had talked then about what x had done and why sort of things. This guy use to work for xH, had a lot of respect for x as a boss and as a man, told me that 15 years ago!

And as we wrapped up our visit today, he said I am sorry, but I have no respect for x anymore with what he done! Yes I did feel a little vindicated.

It really shows how selfish WS's are and how un-caring they can be. It is really sad when they let the OP/NS (new spouse) dictate to them the time they kind spend with their own children, my thought is that the child was there first and it should stay that way. I think that comes from jealousy though of the former spouse and the history that is there, that is something that they the NS does not have. And I agree that there probably isn't much trust in the marriage with the A's NS, they were dictating before the marriage when it was the WS was going to see them so on and so forth why should it change now, doesn't that ring on the finger give it more weight?

I don't know just my 2 cents worth tonight, probably not worth 2 cents though!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lots of good stuff on this thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Great dialogue and life sharing. While there will always be more than one way to look at life and situations, I believe that a person should, for their own growth, consider all peoples views on subjects that affect them. Especially from those who have gone through similar experiences and come out the other side, with a positive attitude.

Jo,
Your post says to me that you are going to be just fine! It shows your strength. It shows your kind heart. No doubt, some day you will be on this board posting your success story!!

This says it all!

"I would very much like to be completely happy on my own without having to rely on someone else for that happiness. I want to be whole and feel indifference towards my ex before I call myself relationship-ready." I felt the exact same way years ago.

Never do I wish to be married to my Ex again. Don't miss him, and haven't for years and years. I feel total indifference towards him. Can talk to his wife with no problems. (that took some time!!) But I didn't even begin to get to that point until I gave up wanting them to fail. Made myself stop obsessing and analyzing IF they were happy. Why it looked like they weren't. How I didn't think they possibly could be considering how they started out. A person can drive themselves crazy trying to figure out if their Ex is unhappy and ever going to regret divorcing them.

If you tell yourself that THEY WILL NEVER REGRET WHAT THEY DID, they are happy, and they will never look at your marriage the way in which you do (with great value) then I believe you have taken a huge step necessary to start to move on. It's called "acceptance" and it works miracles for the betrayed person.

Will write more in a bit. Have tons to say regarding some of the previous great posts. Just don't have time to do it now.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<strong>Originally posted by justpeachy:
So why in the heck might I ask are the A marriage people here? I think one's marriage has trust issues...Wonder why...</strong>

In my case, I have been coming here to learn how not to make the mistakes I made in my 1st marriage.

<strong>And it's amazing to me also how these M out of A's the people are here learning MB techniques. We all know this is a site to support those who've gone through pain of A. Could it possibly be that more A's are entering these new post-affair marriages?

If you have a foundation made of quicksand, then how's your house gonna stand? I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is what it is.</strong>

I'm not exactly sure what the "quicksand" you're referring to is. Living w/ my 2nd wife is much less stressful than living with my 1st wife ever was. MB has helped me to learn how to communicate better w/ my W - as a result, all of the other EN's get taken care of and/or dealt with because of the open communication.

I read something the other day that seems to fit in this thread:

"The man who marries his mistress creates a job opening."

Of course, that goes both ways, this is just what the saying I read said.

That's definitely the thing that amazes me more than anything else - my stbx's ow contacted me recently via e-mail, and though I probably should have ignored it, I did answer. The first thing I said was that she had no business corresponding with me!

Anyway, she was accusing me of being unable to let go - that she could "understand" why I might be bitter, but that I needed to move on with my life. She hadn't liked something I sent to him - I won't go into details, but I found evidence on a hard drive that he might be involved in something that.... well, that if it were true, he desperately needs to get help. And they both, of course, said that I was sick to think he could ever be involved in something like that. But what I saw on the hard drive - well, it could have gotten there accidentally, and I told him I understood that, but that I was concerned, and was asking him to get help if it wasn't a mistake.

So, she was going off on me about it, that I was bitter and couldn't let go. And I told her that no, on the contrary, I have moved on. That some of the things I have found out, whether she believes them or not, have made me realize that the divorce is a good thing for me.

And then I told her that I honestly hope she's right and I'm wrong about him, and that I hope she can be happy with him, and can make him happy. Because, of course, we all know now how he handles it when he ISN'T happy in a relationship.

Ok, maybe a little mean-spirited, but I mean really, how can these people really trust each other and have a good relationship? Oh, I forgot, because it's so different this time. So yeah, don't worry about it honey, so what if he pledged undying love to me, spent 10 years of his life telling me he loved me, and yet could be playing around on me for a good part of that ten years? He would NEVER do that to YOU! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Of course, I also know that after one of the many times she has kicked him out and then let him come back, he had moved back on a Thursday, and on the following Monday had a brand new personals ad, complete with picture, out on one of the boards. Oh well, I figure she's only getting what she deserves. And since she was also cheating to be with him, well.... I guess it IS a soulmate connection! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have been watching this thread for a while now. This has been a pretty good with only limited back-biting.

Are they happy? The new marriage will most likely not have the same dynamics as the one with you, but that does not mean it is either happy or unhappy. Each marriage is unique and those involved figure out what works for them.

Did your ex forget you and your marriage? Nope. They didn't and never will. They probably deny it and certainly view it in a less than positive light. Unfortunately people put a past marraige down to feel better about the new one. Human nature.

Will the new marriage succeed? Probably not. Marriage is hard enough to make a go of without a questionable start. I don't mean to argue the merits of a marriage with a clean start versus a marriage from adultery. Everytime you meet someone new and they ask how you met and fell in-love a lie will be told and a little nick is taken out of the marriage.

BTW, succeed and last are two different things.

I'm coming up on 2 years out from divorce and I engage to someone I met a little over a year after my D. My XW is living with the OM. I don't think they will get married. They have something that works for them. It is not the kind of R I would like, but it is not mine to live either.

They have paid a high price for their R whether they realize it or not. I want more for myself.

For the BS's out there I wouldn't worry about it. The WS has a much tougher road to travel. Given the choice I would much rather be the BS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Scrum:
<strong>Given the choice I would much rather be the BS. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow Scrum - this hit me in the face like a big wet kiss - sloppy, unexpected, but welcome after it was over.

I wish I had said it first - I've been trying to think of a way to convey this thought for some time.

Thanks,

Have to add to Scrum's post and POV.

While no one is saying that they will forget the Ex or the marriage, per se. I think some are saying that specifics are d*mn hard to remember. I agree with this as I know I can't remember any specifics about my previous marriage. I haven't been able to for a very long time.

Also, don't forget that MOST people rewrite history after a divorce. Men seem to be worse about it than woman. A very futile thing to do is wait for the Ex WS to "see" what they did wrong. Most times they never will acknowledge it to the previous partner.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Written by TFS:
While there will always be more than one way to look at life and situations, I believe that a person should, for their own growth, consider all peoples views on subjects that affect them. Especially from those who have gone through similar experiences and come out the other side, with a positive attitude.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I try to do this and I try to learn and be respectful of everyone, regardless of their title. Sometimes the hurt takes over though and the selfishness and uncaring of the betrayal stories, my own included, makes me so angry.

I think maybe this process of healing is taking me so long because I don't have a family to fall back on. I'm not whining about it, but I do think my ex-husband was most of my life because of the lack of family. So now I'm paying that price.

I never want to rely on someone for everything like that again. That may sound hard and callous, but it now comes as instinctual to me.

When I say "rely on someone for *everything*" for me it means the intangibles: love, needs, intimacy, connection, sharing all of myself. Beyond that I am a self sufficient independent female.

Being so untrusting can be a prison within itself. But at least I'm safe.

Jo

Playing safe sucks.

Live life, don't just survive it.

What else sucks is getting cervial cancer from your promiscious spouse caused by 1 of the several STDs he shared with you, and going thru 2 OCs from 2 OWs, and having those women threaten you and your life.

I dunno, hard to say what you would risk until you've walked in those very shoes.

Jo

((((Resilient))) Big cyber hugs to you!!

Resilient, I feel for you not having a family to fall back on. My family was a Godsend during and after my divorce. They made me realize that I am a good person with lots of great qualities, whether my Ex could see them or not! Have you read the book "Coming Apart"? If not, I highly recommend it. The writer is very down to earth about relationships and the "whys" of them. She has a way of making you realize that you are OKAY, even if you divorced and regardless of the circumstances.

H or T,.
I agree with what you wrote, but sometimes people are in a very dark place and they can't live life until they are sure they're still alive.

Jo,
I just read your post! Are you okay now? Did I read this correctly, your H had two OW that produced two children?? Tell me I have this wrong.