Hello everyone-

It has been awhile since I've posted, but I do lurk here from time to time.

My story in what will probably turn out to be a very long nutshell:

Three years ago my now XH who was 31 at the time, left me at 32, 3 months pregnant with our fourth child to pursue his relationship with the 20 year old OW. My XH is an alcoholic and throughout our marriage was sporatic on his consistancy and responsibility at best. We were divorced two years ago and given joint custody with primary placement (80/20) going to me. It was what I wanted yet I never had to express my wishes as it is what my XH requested. In fact, he had to be forced to have set visitation during the week as he wanted to keep it every other weekend and then whenever he was able to during the week. At the time this was set we had been separated for eight months and some of his visits had lasted a mere 10 minutes, with many other no shows. The no shows continued sporadically for the first year after the divorce. Of course he balked at the child support, but when the judge gave him the option of more time with the kids, which I would have contested, he quickly chimed in that although he wanted more time with the kids he simply couldn't have it due to his job and other responsibilities, excuses, excuses. He became engaged to the OW in August of 2002.

In the time since our divorce I have fallen in love with a wonderful man whom I would like to spend the rest of my life with. We do have a problem though as he lives 250 miles away, can't relocate, and without going to court, I am only legally allowed to move 150 miles without my XH's permission. So far we have taken things slowly and are trying to make decisions that are not only right for us, but right for my children as well.

My XH was arrested for his third offense DUI in May 2002 and spent a month in jail for it from September to October 2002. He was arrested for his fourth offense DUI in December 2002 and spent from February 2003 - May 2003 in jail for it. Keep in mind that these were really his 7th and 8th DUI offenses, but the previous ones don't show on his recored due to the fact that some were when he was a minor and others are no longer on the books because of time limits. THe laws in our state of WI have now changed however so that from now on all DUI convictions from a certain date forward remain on a person's permanent record. He conveniently was released from jail exactly one week before the OW graduated from college. She moved back home and they have lived together ever since. After the being released from jail for the fourth offense my XH went through outpatient treatment for his alchoholism and continues to go to meetings one night a week. From this he has claimed that he is a new man and will never drink again.

Last summer, not even two months after the OW returned to town and conveniently a day after the two of them miraculously got an approved offer on a home that stretches their budget to the limit, they petioned the court for a change in custody and child support. Their request was denied on the basis that by law they have to wait two years after the divorce to modify original orders pertaining to the kids. They made it no secret that they would re-file as soon as they were legally able.

Since that time they shocked the kids totally one night this fall telling them that they wanted them 50/50 and could take me back to court to achieve this, but wanted to know how the kids felt. My eleven year old D told them she wanted things to stay as they are. They then proceeded to rake her over the coals for her reasons. My nine year old S told them he wanted 50/50 and wasn't questioned as to why at all. My five year old D said she really didn't want to go there as much as she has to and wanted them to let her come only when she wanted to, which they basically ignored. They didn't bother to ask the two year old for obvious reasons. Keep in mind that it has only been for the last two months that I don't have to peel my two year old off me when dropping her off. She would rather never go and still gets upset when she finds out she is going. Anyway, my kids came home that night and my eleven year old was really upset, telling me the whole incident. She jumped all over the fact that her brother didn't even know what 50/50 as my XH hadn't explained it to them. My X tends to favor our son asking him to go on day hunting trips etc. My son assumed that 50/50 meant me continuing to let him do this kind of thing when he talked about 50/50. When I explained what 50/50 really meant he wanted me to call his dad and tell him that's not what he wanted. I told them all not to worry about it, that their dad and I would work it out.

In January my XH approached me about working out custody, interpretation me giving them what they wanted, and asked if I would be willing to meet with them. They also invited the man I am involved with. I agreed to meet. In the course of that meeting I was basically bullied, told I was being selfish, that he what he wanted was the fair thing and in the kids' best interests. He also told me that I had no right to judge him on anything other than the last ten months of his life as he is a new man and past mistakes need to be left in the past. I stuck to my boundaries and told him that altough I applaud his efforts, he has done the same things before and always gone back to drinking. I told him that he needs to prove himself over time and break past patterns and since he is not willing to do that I am not willing to risk my childrens' safety and welfare while giving him the benefit of the doubt.

He has now re-filed the papers as promised and by law we have to go to a mediator. In the papers he has requested 50/50 placement with no child support. I received the papers Thursday night and my attorney was out of town Friday so I have to wait until Monday to talk with her.

I know that this is monetarily motivated. I have it from very reliable sources that my XH is once again drowning in debt. They have set a summer wedding date as well and the OW wants to start a family right away. I also have it from multiple reliable resources that the OW is very controlling and that my XH feels trapped in a mundane life. Top this off with the fact that my kids don't want it and I could go on and on.

Although he has many strikes against him that should play against him, I am very concerned for my children should he win.

If anyone out there could give me advice on what I need to do it would be greatly appreciated. I would also appreciate information on where to find statistics against 50/50, alcoholism, relocation, and anything relating to my situation.

Thank you to all who have stuck with my long post.

Take care and God bless!

K

Not sure I'm gonna be of any help - other than to suggest that you tell your attorney you want to fight ANY and ALL custody changes benefitting HIM - and suggest she ask for your extended distance, while possibly imposing higher child support requirements on him. (I'm rather underhandingly suggesting that you deter his ability to have any more children - this man is NOT good fodder for parenting.) His behavior doesn't appear to have changed for long term - but rather for current need. If I were a judge I would see through this issue --- I hope your judge is have as well sited!

Jan

Anybody out there? I know it has been quite a while since I have posted, but am hoping someone will remember me and my situation from past postings. I am bumping this up as I really am in need of advice.

sj*trouble*- thanks for the support and insight.


Take care and God bless!
K

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

KitG

I'm just curious if you would give similar advice to a BH when is WW just decided she was going to take the D with her.

Funny, my WW thinks that my attempts to get something close to 50/50 with our daughter are attempts to take HER daughter away from her.

I can understand where you would advocate for a mom to keep children out of the hands of a drunk.

But what would you tell my WW or even me?

OBTW, I don't think WW is a bad mom, just doesn't like being my wife anymore.


Tony

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: javaSansContour ]</small>

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

Why is it when a man wants to have his children more than every other weekend and one night a week he is doing it to reduce child support? I had to fight for 50/50 and got 43/57. Not what I wanted but very close. My x thought I was an a$$ for fighting for custody. Why is that? Do you think men don't want to see there children as much as women?

Your XH had some problem and got into trouble, I understand that. It sounds like he may have settled down and grew up a little. People can change. Why do you consider him as strong arming you when he will not settle for anything less than 50/50? It goes both ways. You are not going to negotiate anything but 20/80. If you want what is best for the kids learn to get along and stop using the children as pawns in the game of divorce.

Times are changing. Gay marriage, gay adoption, politically correct on everything, equal rights and atheletes making more money in one year than some under developed country's. What was best for children in the 50's is not the same as the 80's. Now we are in 04 and we need to adapt. Under the right circumstances 50/50 works.

Open the mind, close the mouth and use your head.

Peace

STP,

I hear you brother. Just so everyone understands. In my response to the petition my wife made for divorce, I said I'm willing to pay child support, and willing to pay it as if I only had everyother weekend etc.

However, I do want to see my child as close to 50% of the time that is reasonable.

I do believe that my daughter being with her father is AS IMPORTANT if not more important as seeing her friends.

Tony

I am paying more child support than I should to get the arangement that I have. There isn't one cookie cutter set of guidlines that will cover every situation. In my case my xw made decent money and I too make a decent living. It just seems that a lot of x's claim that fathers only want there children more to reduce child support. They, (xwife + attourney = they), turn it into a money thing, not love for your children or in the childs best interest. But you throw out that you will pay more than required and suddenly it is OK? It is a messed up system to say the least.

Most women will tell you that a child needs a permanent home not something every other week. So why should it default as the mothers home? Hey, in 1955 the vast majority of women didn't work and were home all day to raise the children. When a divorce took place they were the obvious choice and because they didn't work a job they needed money.

It is 2004 and for the last 35 years women have been very active in the work place from construction to office, manigerial and retail. Pulling down just as much or close to as much coin as the next guy. We now have daycare, turnkey and afterschool programs. Sports program all year round and special school programs to attend. The typical mother and father roles have changed drastically. The dad's have become coach and the moms are taxi drivers. The evening meal isn't ready when you get home it is microwaved and eaten in the mini van droping off one child at youth group and picking the other up at soccer practice. Mom talks to dad on the cell phone making arangements to get the third child at grandmas house and getting child 2 at soccer practice in 45 minutes.

We are willing to do this out of the love for our chilren, not the money. We are just as capable of raising children as the mother. In this day and age 50/50 works.

Peace

Unless she is a psyco and treats everyone like they are stupid worthless slaves under her control, verbally assaulting them and destroying their property and dreams. Then sole custody works for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> in her heart home needs to be one place </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally disagree with this statement. My children have two homes, mom's house & dad's house, and they know that each is theirs.

Re: the father's w/50/50 custody. My state is moving toward this too. I too had a custody battle including psychological evaluations - and now have 2/3 vs. his 1/3. My X was never around preseparation - he was not the father he believed he was.

There are many men on this board who were & are good fathers, and probably better parent's than their spouse. I think custody should be based on historical parenting, parenting ability, and their openness to coparenting; not default to the mother. DUI and CPS issues notwithstanding.

I would fight again if my X tries to get more custody, and hope he finally realizes how hard it is to raise children - now that his mommy isn't helping him everyday. He refuses to take them to doctor's or counselors, school events, ballet classes, dentist appts., and has never attended a parent/teacher conference.

Give the involved parent's on this board their due, regardless of their sex.

Thank you, someone that beleives two homes can work.

Part of the original post was a concern about living 250 miles away and the divorce papers only allow 150.

Is there any way you could live within say 15 miles away? Can your bf move closer? I am in somewhat the same deal. Curently mt x and I live less than 2 miles from each other. Her bf lives about 20 miles away but it is accross the state line. I am not going to allow my children to live in another state even though it is only 20 miles away. The only reason I have any concern at all is this. If she could get her life together maybe she would be happy and the equal time custody would work smoother and maybe she would get off my case once in a while.

Why don't I move you ask? I retained the marital home. You talk about what the kids call home, how about living in the house they grew up in!

Good Luck Everyone

STP, my X bought out the marital home too.
I think it's great that the kids have the same home for their lives - even if both parent's aren't in it.

After the D, my X (more likely his mom) really took the time to fix up the interior of the house, and make it their home. And what I've seen from the front door looks great. It's our responsibility to minimize the impact on our children - divorce was our choice(?) not the children's.

I believe I'll have the distance question sometime in the future. Mine was stated in travel time - no more than 45 minutes away, and I moved the maximum to be closer to work and my support network. My family is 600 miles away and I can never live in the same state as them.

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

I am the VP of the softball league, softball coach, hockey coach and basketball coach. I go to field trips, (twice this year already), and have never missed a parent teachers conference. I did all this stuff before I was divorced. Now the xwife has informed me that one of my daughters will not be atending softball games or practices while in her custody. She also keeps them out of hockey practice from time to time. You know, want to go to practice or we can go shopping and I'll buy you a new bike, your choice. So then I'm told that they don't want to go to practice and she isn't going to force them. She is a real peice of work sometimes.

First of all I would like to thank everyone who has replied. I value all insights and opinions into this situation. I can also tell from the tone that has come across many times throughout various posts that there are definately very strong opinions on this as well as emotions.

I would also like to add that I do believe a parent should be judged on their parenting, not their sex, but I think that I am doing that. My XH was never involved when he was in the house, in fact he actually now is more involved at 20% than he ever was when he lived here. As I stated before, I actually had to request set visitation in order to make sure the kids saw him on a regular basis. I also have accomodated him on all reasonable requests to see them extra as I do feel he is and important and necessary part of their lives, but these are inconsistent too. I am not hindering a relationship with him. However, I agree with KitG when she says that when they are forcing custody changes on you it gets harder to accomdate. I am constantly second guessing his motives and realistically, when I have given him the benefit of the doubt he has only screwed me over more. Furthermore, although I neglected to say so in my original post, I am actually collecting less support from him than WI legally mandates, yet he still claims I am being greedy.

I would love it if my children had the father that I read about so much on these boards. In 11 years my XH has been to three doctor appointments and one dental appointment that were all scheduled by me. He has never enrolled them in anything, taken them to church, or until this year when he had decided to attempt to change custody attended a parent teacher conference. Does he attend their activities and events? You bet he does because he loves the public recognition of him as a father, but the day to day parenting he could do without. Now that he has someone who at least for now is willing to shoulder the burden for him he wants to uproot everything. How can this be in the childrens' best interest?

When it comes to the alcoholism I have no way of knowing if he has changed as I have already stated that he has done this before, yet he is unwilling to give it time to prove himself. I really hope he has changed, but am very wary of it. Furthermore, right now he is without a license and will be for the next year and a half. The OW drives he and the kids everywhere. What happens when he can drive and all of his freedoms start coming back again?

As for the moving issue. You are right, this is very hard for me. My XH walked out on me and started a new life,yet I feel chained to a life controlled by him. However, my kids are my priority and at I will sacrifice my wants for their security. Although timing prevents relocation of my BF right now I am lucky enough to have found someone who loves the kids and I enough to wait on a traditional home life for us and is willing to work it out. I have to trust in God that he will see us through this.

I found out today that I go to mediation in a little less than two weeks. My attorney isn't allowed to come anyway so I will present my facts to the mediator and hope she will see through him. If not, we will go to court. I will keep you updated on the details.

Once again thanks for all the input. If you think of anything I may be missing from either viewpoint please let me know. I would really appreciate any links pertaining to 50/50 custody.

I am not basing my case on me being the best parent because I am their mother. I am basing it on the fact that I have been the one stable and consistant person in their life, no matter what life has presented me with. Nothing about that has changed, why fix what isn't broken?

Thank you all!

Take care and God bless!
K

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

Still Realing,

Please don't take this as if I have a defensive tone. I just hear some of the same stuff my x tells me.

You said, I am constantly second guessing his motives and realistically, when I have given him the benefit of the doubt he has only screwed me over more. What makes you feel this way? He is trying to gain custody of his children, that is his motive. How is he screwing you over? He wants his kids. Wanting to see his kids half the time is not screwing you over.

What could the two of you do to make things go smoother? What would you like to see from him to make things better? (Leave me alone is not the answer I'm looking for!)

Thanks

STP, while I applaud your parenting, the question below doesn't work with all personality types, particularly those who are controlling. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What could the two of you do to make things go smoother? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some X's just want what is best for them, not putting the children first. Some want the kids around more to prove they are parents, without really parenting them. I, too, have this type. And while he is a much better parent now to the girls, he still can't rationally discuss issues such as above. I can't even get answers to basic questions such as summer camp and registration is getting close. I get "you, you, you" the blame game. I no longer absorb it, but it doesn't help in our communications.

OK, what would it take to get to the point of putting the kids first? Truely acting in the childs best interest.

Here is what I'm dealing with. I have my girls 6 days out of 14. One day different every week. I do my best to make things good for them and not put them in the middle. They feel safe at my house. About a month ago they ask why I didn't want them for the whole week, only 6 days. They want to stay one week with me, one week with mom. Well, I sat them down and explained that the arangement mommy wanted they might not ever see me. I explained that I had to fight for every minute I have with them and would love for them to stay with me every other week. I've talked to the x about this and she will not budge. The kids have talked to her about it and she tells them that a judge detarmined the schedule as what is best for them.

When I said I fought for every minute I mean that literally. She went as far as stating that I can't pick up the girls until 5:30 in the evening. She picks up the girls from me at 7:00 in the morning. The girls really hate that because they can't sleep in, in the summer time. I've tried to get that changed and she won't budge. She told the girls they would have to get up at 7:00 so I could go to work anyway. They don't, my summer daycare comes over in the morning so they can sleep until noon if they want.

So what would it take to make my x put the girls first? I do not understand her thought process.