Last week I opened a personal checking account in my name only. A local bank near where I've been staying.

It was mostly for convenience but when the info came in the mail and STBXW opened it, she was a little upset.

I never intended to keep it from her or I wouldn't have used that address but she feels that I was being sneaky because I didn't tell her about it.

I reminded her that she wanted a D and I don't need to tell her everything I do if it doesn't concern her.

But Then.......

I told her that we needed to sit down and go over our finances so I can have my direct deposit changed to put some money in my new account. I don't want to have to rely on her to be doing my banking.

Again, it's mostly for convenience, but also so that I regain controll of my pay rather than her.

At first she agreed that we should seperate our finances but now she insists that there is no way that we can because "her" expenses change too much from month to month.

I'm not trying to take money away from her but I don't think she sees that. I'm only trying to get on with my life without the dependence of her for money.

Initialy she agreed to get together and go over it, but within 24 hours, she acts like she never agreed to even talk about it. She says she can write down where the money goes and make copies of it for me but thats about all she feels can be done right now.

If she won't work with me on this, she is going to force me into calling the shots on my own. I don't want to make an enemy of her but either way I think she is going to hate me for taking away her control of my pay. In fact I think the Idea of it has gotten her pretty pissed already.

Like I told her a long time ago, It's her game, I'm just playing. But I gave up on following her rules now.

Maybe I'm being a little selfish or inconsiderate but I think I'm done being stepped on.

Well I guess this has turned into a vent but any comments are always welcome.

WIWH

Hi WIWH,

I don't see anything wrong with what you did.If your WW wants a D then it is a good idea to start being more financially independent of her at this point.

Your WW needs to do her own budget,if she hasn't already,to see what her monthly costs are.If her expenses change too much month to month then she needs to tell you what that means(i.e. childcare).If by that she means one month she spent $300 more on clothes than the previous month and needs more money from you,than that is something you want to know about.

There are needs and there are wants and you should not be fueling any shopping sprees on her end,if that's the case.I'm sure you handled it without any LB's right? BTW,does she always open YOUR mail? I assume that the bank info was sent to you in your name only.I wouldn't appreciate that.If anything it may have been prudent to tell your WW your plans ahead of time but like you said,she most likely would have been upset regardless of the head's up.Oh well.No biggie IMO.

O

Thanks October Girl

At least I'm not the only one that doesn't think it's wrong.

Unfortunately, she is so upset about the whole deal that the situation itself is a major LB. I'm sorry to say that a LB like this doesn't matter to me anymore. I'll save my EN meeting for someone that it will mean something to. Everything that comes out of my mouth is a LB to her.

I know her basic expenses and can come up with a number myself. I just wish we could agree on it so it's easier on both of us.

So far she has blown me off all day. Said she would call me to discuss if she had a chance.

I left message but I know that she found something to do for the day to avoid me. She had no plans untill I brought this up.

I did exactly the same thing yesterday...dh packed up and left and I high-tailed it to the bank. He had informed me that since Texas is a community prop state, he was entitled to half of what I make. bullspit I say!

I opened a new checking/savings account. And if he comes back, I will NEVER tell him that I have it. Basically I don't trust him with my money because he can be very selfish and spiteful.

Hi WishIwerehome:

I think you did the right thing. Remember, she wants the D. There are consequences and ramifications of this. My wife wants an end to our relationship as well (she never uses the D word for some strange reason). She has already become more financially independent and does not share any of this with me.

For 12 years, I have had my salary directly deposited into our joint account. We still have this account, but this week I am getting a new account with my name on it, and will be getting my cheques direct deposited into it within one month.

And, one more thing, make sure your wife no longer opens your mail.

Shaken

10WattBulb

Unfortunately my STBXW is a SAHM with our 4 little girls so she has no income of her own. I can't cut her off like it sounds that you may be doing to H and don't intend too.

Shaken but not stirred
WOW>>> 12 years >> Direct Deposit>>> Joint Acount

Sounds just like me.
I'm not having all my money deposited into my account, she will still be getting what she needs in our joint account.

She finaly called me today. She was actually quite pleasant on the phone. Said she was just returning my call from earlier. She never does that unless she needs something from me.

I reminded her that we ned to go over our finances and she said that I should be able to figure it out. I know her basic expenses. They are no different than when I lived there. But she said she will Write down enerything she can think of and give me a call.

She was a completely different person than the one that didn't want to have anything to do with this last night.

One more thing.....

I went on the bank web site today and had my address changed

Hi Wish:

My wife's a SAHM too, also for 12 years. I know exactly your situation in this context. Be honourable and fair to your wife, BUT do not let her ever cry foul that she has no income, no training, no ability to get work because of her long stint at home (I'm not saying your wife will say this). Just protect your interests and those of your children first and foremost.

Your wife, like mine, just might have to consider the possibility that she will need to get a full-time job.

Best,

Shaken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WishI WereHome:
<strong> 10WattBulb

Unfortunately my STBXW is a SAHM with our 4 little girls so she has no income of her own. I can't cut her off like it sounds that you may be doing to H and don't intend too.

Shaken but not stirred
WOW>>> 12 years >> Direct Deposit>>> Joint Acount

Sounds just like me.
I'm not having all my money deposited into my account, she will still be getting what she needs in our joint account.

She finaly called me today. She was actually quite pleasant on the phone. Said she was just returning my call from earlier. She never does that unless she needs something from me.

I reminded her that we ned to go over our finances and she said that I should be able to figure it out. I know her basic expenses. They are no different than when I lived there. But she said she will Write down enerything she can think of and give me a call.

She was a completely different person than the one that didn't want to have anything to do with this last night. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your wife, like mine, just might have to consider the possibility that she will need to get a full-time job. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shaken, your right. She doesn't seem to understand this though. She feels that she will be able to get by on allimony and child support.

I told her the other night that I don't think it's right for her to ask for alimony. She is the one that wants to move on without me.

I asked her why she expects me to support her financialy if she does not want me around to support her.(She didn't like that idea)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately my STBXW is a SAHM with our 4 little girls so she has no income of her own. I can't cut her off like it sounds that you may be doing to H and don't intend too.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, there are tons of differences here. #1 stbx and I have no kids, thank God. #2-he hasn't brought anything into the house in over a month and it wasn't much when he did--a couple hundred every two weeks...not even enough to pay his 'share' of the rent. I have been paying all the bills, including the down payment and monthly payments on 'his' car.

Thankfully for me, when I get divorced it will be over. No more contact necessary, ever.

wow! That looks bad, doesn't it? I am not divorcing him because he lost his job...it's only about the job in the respect that he doesn't seem concerned about getting another one.

He is verbally abusive, a control freak, hates my kids, mean and spiteful, and just all around not a very nice person. I really thought that maybe he would become nicer but it hasn't worked. When we're fighting, he resorts to ugly things and his excuse is that he's mad.

Anyway, it's not because of him not working for a month. But he has had about 30 jobs in the last 6 years...and, no, I'm not exaggerating.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> wow! That looks bad, doesn't it?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not after reading your other post

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Unfortunately, she is so upset about the whole deal that the situation itself is a major LB. I'm sorry to say that a LB like this doesn't matter to me anymore. I'll save my EN meeting for someone that it will mean something to. Everything that comes out of my mouth is a LB to her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is just EXACTLY what happened with me and my ex. She has the affairs, thinks life will be grand without me, wants out... I leave, she finds that all is not wonderful, but everything that I say is horrible. She can't hear anything that I say, but attacks me at every turn. Lies about EVERYTHING, be it her liposuction (saying I pushed her to get it, even after telling her I didn't think she needed it for over 10 years) or her finances. There is no winning only surviving.

Just realize that she made this choice and let her live this choice. Just because she has the children doesn't mean that your WW gets to state the rules. She will use them to extort money from you, of that just be ready. I have joint custody 50/50 and my ex still tries to get money from me, even though I pay her an additional salary's worth of money each month. There is NO WINNING, I have realized. And there is NOTHING you can do to molify the situation. I did everything, pay her full CS, maintenance, took all the bills, taxes, credit cards, etc. And she is STILL saying that I got off easy. If I were to do it again, I would go straight by the book/law. She would have no maintenance, she would have HALF CS for half her time, she would be paying half all joint bills/taxes, and THEN she could gripe, at least about the truth.

Be strong, go by the book, because deviating won't get you anything more, and will only make you feel the fool. I did it for me, and I am glad that I did. But in the same vein, I did not get the peace that I thought that I would from her. I got/get the same thing that I thought I would have gotten had I gone with the law. Oh, well... my boys will be able to see that I did everything plus some.

Hang in there, and be calm and considerate, but not a door mat. I think that you should decide her expenses and then email them to her and get written confirmation via reply email, so that you can show that she was notified. She will say she never agreed, or knew about it, or whatever and without written testimony it is only your word against her's. In fact, I would switch to primarily email communication with her, because otherwise you will be saying "We talked about this." and she will be saying "no we didn't" alot in court. You can just pull out the email from her and show everyone. I rarely speak to my ex about anything verbally any longer. So when she says we didn't discuss something or says our schedule 'Never said that', all I have to do is RE-send the email once again, with the original date and address again. I have found that THIS is the only peace that I can get. Wish I had thought of it 14 years ago.

Formerly Confused,

After reading your post, I felt like saying "That won't happen to me" or "She would never do that" but I guess you probably felt the same way at one point so I will pay attention to your advice.

I won't be a door mat, but I will be considerate for the sake of my girls.

E-mail is a poor comunication between us. She doesn't realy read her e-mail or write any. She is the kind of person that reads through once or twice a week and fowards the good jokes to everyone in her address book.

Hi WIWH,

I guess I either forgot or never knew that your WW was a SAHM.I am too right now so I understand your situation a bit better.

Although I am not a WW,I was determined to keep the same income to the household even if my WH D me.My lawyer said to me that if my WH had been providing us with this income all along and he was living well enough on his own AND I had documented proof that he stated that he would be willing to keep providing financially to cover ALL expenses,then I most likely would have been granted that continuance by a court because a judge looks primarily at how a D is going to affect children and they look at what's best for the children and what decisions can be made to maintain the stability of the children's lives(i.e staying in the same home,same school,etc).

So,any documentation that you can get is important like was mentioned.But also,think first about how the income would affect the children,not the WW. I think I mentioned this to shaken not stirred a while back.What would you be willing to give WW to maintain the comfort and stability of the children and live comfortably yourself? What ever the difference is, then your WW may have to go back to work either part time or fulltime.

Ugh,I think I'm rambling because it's so late.In other words,I am so grateful that despite my WH A,his first priority was making sure we were covered financially and completely.WH lived on a minumum income where he was and it weighed heavily on his mind that even though he was in an A he would always take care of us.He could have been a real je** and kept his money and supported his A but he didn't.Anyway,I know it's different since your W is the one that had the A.But I hope your kids will be ok that's all.

Bed time for bonzo! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Good night.

O

<small>[ February 29, 2004, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

You are right, I thought, she would never do that. But then again, think back... did you ever think she would do ANY of the things you know she has done??? Ask yourself that question, and then think about how much easier being self righteous and the 'poor single mom' would be that for her to do some of the things that she has already done. I bet if you think about it, you will be surprised and somewhat sobered.

And about the email, it doesn't really matter if she doesn't like to read them. Tell her that you want to move to email, and tell her that there is an email for her to read. She doesn't get to make all the rules, and there is not a judge in the world who would think that you were being unreasonable. Write the email, then tell her via phone that there is one. THEN sit down and DOCUMENT the time of the call and that you told her about the email. THIS is admisable in court.

I am not saying you have to play hardball, but realize that this is a minimal effort on her part, and completely within her capabilities. You are not asking her to drive 50 miles to meet you for lunch to discuss things. You are asking her to check her email. If she calls you with the response, tell you, you would rather have an email. If she says NO, then listen to her, and afte the call, WRITE down the salient points and the fact that she ONCE AGAIN (every time it happens) refused to give written reply. This is all admissable should things turn nasty, and has no meaning if everything is reasonable.

I have never USED anything she has written, YET. But if she goes nuts with custody or something, then I have everything I need to ensure that my boys are going to be fine and stable. Perhaps more stable...

Octobergirl,

I can't stay where I'm at now so any arrangements that we can make are temporary until we can sell our house. We agree that we can't afford two places with our mortgage.

W did'nt have A. just had enough of me I guess. I did find out about a crush she had on a friend though but that is about all. Anyway, that was a different post, different time.

I'm rambling too, it must be getting late

WIWH

Formerly confused,

She did tell me that I should be able to figure out her budget so I'll try e-mailing it to her and see where it goes.

Thanks for the advice

Wish,
You did the right thing, limit her amounts to what is needed for the household.

My x took money out of the savings plan when she found an apartment for them. When I closed out the remaining funds, her lawyer got mad that I was moving money.

When I question how she could just take money without discussion, she stated it was "her" money.

Funny, I never got any of "her" money in the divorce settlement, but she sure got half of "our" money. I guess I never had any of "my" money.

The first things I did were to get a PO box that I could access, and a checking account in my name only. I removed exactly 1/2 of the money in another account that I had. I gave her a cash amount for the other half. All documented. I called all of the creditors in my name only and had them send all the bills to my PO Box. The only one out there is her car payment which is joint. She is upside down on it as most people are. My only worry is that if she fails to make that payment, they will take the car and hold me for the rest. We havent been to court yet, but I feel she should refinance it since it is so easy to wreck it, or whatever. I have been making the mortgage payments as I live in the house with the kids. She has been staying with freinds and who knows how much if any she gives them. I have the leftover Xmas on the credit cards, the past due bills for utilities etc. She wants me to sell everything that isnt nailed down because she needs the money to get started. I am barely making ends meet on my end. Having things in arrears and all, lawyer fees etc. Yes, I wanted the D since she was unwilling to go to MC or Dr. Guess what? She has been to a counselor, a Dr, and I heard she is on some meds. Depression or hormone replacement therapy. Good for her, but it is too late. I feel great about the decision now as I am actually having fun on weekends now rather than work 40 hrs a week and all weekend long with her complaining and yelling at everyone. I would rather be broke and happy than well off and miserable.