My H an I are doing so so, he told me things he did with OW that I wanted to know, now I find myself trying to out do it. I makes me so mad. One night they did it three times, I told him I have to beat that. I don`t think he wants to hear that. I can`t help it. His affair is over, but any chance I get I love <P>bust big time. I know I have to stop from what I read on here It`s not good. Did anyone feel like this? <BR>

Dear TH,<P>I LB for the first six months. I don't know how long you've been dealing with this but I believe it is very difficult not to LB after the intial pain and devastation turn into ANGER and RAGE. But LB gets us nowhere. Sure, it allows us to point out how they are destroying us, how wrong they are, how awful of a person they are to do this to us. But it does not generate love for us. I've been practicing not LB now for about a month. Now, when I bring up the subject of our relationship (which he hates to talk about) I see him trying to get me to LB so he can make an excuse for us not to discuss it. He's the one that's LB now. But let me tell you, the other night after one of these episodes where I told him that if the conversation turned negative it would be because he wanted it too. He went outside to pray and when he came back in, he came over, gave me a kiss and told me (for the first time in a long time) that he loved me. I know it probably wasn't the romantic love of passion that he wants to feel, but still, I started crying..just to hear those words. And I thanked him for telling me and told him he didn't know how good hearing those words made me feel. I think he was pleased because he was smiling. I don't know why I told you all this. I guess what I see my LB of the last six months resulted in was distancing and disconnection from him instead of what I really wanted-re-connection and to tear down those walls. Your h., believe it or not, is experincing a lot of pain, too. In that pain, he will never feel your pain if you LB-it will only make him want to get away from you. It will take great strenth to control the tongue, especially if has only been a short time. There is the need to want to get out everything inside you so he can see what he has done, but the tongue has the power to heal or to destroy, to build up or to tear down. For me, counseling, coming to this board and my relationship with the Almighty had been my source of strenth. Good luck to you.

torn that's a ver normal reation. I mean we felt threatned by this person, we worried that this person would be more important to them than us, or that things could be better with then than us, so nothing more natural to try to outdo them. It's not worth however, specially if it's not somethign we would normally do. Not that there isn't a place for surprises in every marriage, but not for that reason.<BR>If you're forcing things they will just backfire on you.<BR>You might even do it four times or 6 or whatever, but not because they did it 3x, but because both of you want to, without even think about her.<BR>After we hear about some of the things they did together, I guess our competetive side takes over, but this is not a competition, it's a relationship and we have to do our best to concentrate on it and try not to think about what happened ( at least not too much ) with them, to concentrate on what is happening with us.<BR>Lovebusting is normal too. ANd even o.k every once in a while ( or rather if it happens occasionally there's no need to feel all worried ), but it is something we should try to avoid. And it's much easyer to avoid when we're not thinking about what happened on a regular basis. There's a point after hearing all the answers we needed, that we have to try to let go and leave it in the past where is belongs. We don't want to give the ow the power to haunt our marriage even after she is gone.<BR>It will get better, just give it some time <BR>Take care<BR>Kat