There's always a motive even when simply being a coparent with my xh, Jethro...you always want to know the "why" of why he does something and while this is for me good news, it still is a bit of a quandry for me.

He phones briefly and leaves vmail. I listen as I don't usually answer phone if he calls, but I wait and see if it actually even needs any sort of a response (plan b minus parenting basically as that's pretty much extent of contact). Says in vmail he's going "out of town to work" and wants me to pick up son two days early from his visitation time...

Phone back to say (in less than 2 sentences) that it's as good as done and that I will be glad to have him back earlier. Then I wonder about the why?

I am thinking it might be either because of the 1)Family Values and how she lied to her new H about spanking my son very hard...That Jethro doesn't want her around our son alone for that long of a time. or 2)she was arguing with my xh about that issue and doesn't want to be left alone with my son again. Or it's become too awkward for her.

My sister thinks it's number one.

I am just glad that my prayer about this sitch is being answered. I didn't over react and gained x's trust that only concern I have is son's welfare and I guess he finally "gets" that part. Now I don't at least have to worry my son is going to be alone under same roof as FV...so that's huge and in the end best for my son.

Then interesting thing happens also. Got an email from his business partner's wife. She used to be very very close to me up until the divorce. She sent me a very kind email and said she wanted to re-establish contact and if I would want to go to lunch with her and her daughter (used to babysit for me and was very close to me as well). Said that she had been thinking of me alot lately (after that "reception") and that she couldn't believe how good I am doing and that she didn't know what she'd do if it had happened to her.

Was interesting because it wasn't what she said about it, but the lack of good things to say about xh and new w. She said that she saw the photo of me and my friends that xh showed her h at the office and that she was there and made the comment "well peachy does look good and that's one happy smile. I wouldn't know her if I passed her on the street b/c she looks different."

My life is my life now. She was a very good friend of mine. She did say that she doesn't have any contact w/Jethro's new w, that she doesn't desire any. She also said her h was glad that she had emailed me and glad that we might get re-acquainted.

For boundaries should I go to lunch at all? I am going to really think this one through. I know a divorce isn't reason to make people step on one side of the fence or the other when it comes to friends, but I don't want my privacy or my life and it's contents being revealed to my xh b/c he's always trying to get information or stuff.

What was funny was her comment about their reception..."not sure if it was a wedding or baby reception. we just stayed a few minutes and left..not too many people there btw."

Anyhow, I do want to be friends with her again but want my privacy kept and respected. And its hard b/c we were really good girlfriends. We'd chit chat about everything. We even went to the Bahamas together and to South Beach together. But the end result is different and while she's glad I am getting on with my new life, I don't want her blabbing to her h and who will then again blab to Jethro. It's human nature to do that (talk about friends in common even if nicely spoken)and I just want to be a good friend and do the right thing. I know she'd innocently tell her husband stuff that we talk about.

Oh...son's new hamster I bought is still alive...wanted to add if anybody wants to get for a smaller child a good and easy pet, the chinese dwarf hamster is a good one. Easy to clean, keep, and this breed supposedly doesn't bite.

He called me a few minutes ago to ask how Hamtaro was...(named after the tv show).

I am so happy he's coming home early. What a great gift!

Peachy, don't read too much into things.
Could it just be that someone explained the "Right of First Refusal" to J, and that he actually used it?
You should have your son before FV does.

Stop overthinking things. They don't matter.

Yea, you would normally be right..

But Jethro doesn't understand right of first refusal.

Nah.

at work and can't write too long stuff..

Wish he'd get that concept. But it'
s that one along with about a thousand others he just doesn't quite get...

And you're right..I will not analyze this and just be glad son's coming back today!

So...do I go to lunch w/his partner's wife?

Also, he called this am to say he changed his business plans so I get son tomorrow..but he tries to manipulate things again saying he would bring son over about seven pm if we could talk for about 30 minutes about "finances" and "what he owes me".

I'm not ready for that as I need to get a small micro recorder to have on during that conversation to make sure I have a record of the conversation. I asked if he'd like to doit over the phone, but he said it had to be in person...wierd.

Again, he does this contact stuff. But I stave him off. I put up the boundary and he tries to rip it down.

He then says stuff about rearranging custody schedules that we should be able to do that easily...he said "like if you get tickets to something you can call me up and I will take our son for you"...or if "I want to go to something with my girlfriends and our kids then he'd let me". I don't want some friendly relationship with him. Nope. I want a short, businesslike relationship with him.

I am very cooperative when it comes to coparenting, but I am not going to feed his fog by being the "oh she's so good about it" xwife b/c of his new "remarriage" now. I'm not going to legitimize their M in any way. Not something that helped wreck my family I'm not. And I am not going to open any doors to any continued contact w/him as he firmly knows I don't have anything to do with him except for parenting or resolving the financial issues.

What I dislike about adultery, besides how it rips apart families, is the way it makes people go in pursuit of a divorce at light speed.

How in the heck can people start their lives over if they don't separate it properly and my xh zipped thru stuff from july to december and didn't resolve our financial issues so we're still dealing with whathe owes me. They leave stones unturned. Unfinished business. Sure lawyers will do their best, but when somebody is in a hurry to marry their OP during their divorce proceedings, there will be residual effects from it. I swear I can almost respect couples who do divorce b/c there's no way for them to get along anymore or there's been too much water under the bridge but they do so divorcing without the "help" of an OP. I only know one divorced couple that way. And they do get along.

I wish I could blank out the last 3 years and blank out all he did so I could blindly go along with his crap. How I deal with him now is to be kind and very calm when I speak with him so he doesn't explode as he usually is on verge of, but firm to my issues and only discuss those two topics.

I hate that dread in the pit of your stomach when you see your x calling your cellphone.

OK I am reading this and I am confused - first off if you want to see this person because you geniunely like her than I say go for it - it shouldn't matter whether she is friends with your ex and or his new wife... Second off here is why I am confused - if I remember correctly - and correct me if I am wrong - didn't when you first started going out with Jethro wasn't he married but you were unaware of it?? Second and his new current wife - weren't you not seperated going to get a divorce when he started seeing her??? Didn't he have another girlfriend MS Monkeyho when you were married - ?? Isn't that right?? I don't think that you should see him?? I don't think that you should worry about his fog - I don't think that you should worry about anything that has to do with him - He has moved on now and he has a new family... This is the way he does his life obviously because it wasn't the first time... He sees your son fine - if you want to have him watch him when you go out fine - otherwise get a babysitter - don't be in his life at all... Don't waste all of this energy trying to figure out the who- whys and what... Now this baby is gonna be born soon - and I am sure that it is going to freak you to no end - which I am sure it would any exwife - but it is going to be your son's half brother or half sister - a part of his life - your son is young - he isn't going to remember any of the details surrounding your divorce - or his fathers remarriage - you have to let it all go - have the lawyers settle the financial stuff once and for all - let him pick up and drop off your son - and move on with your life - don't analyze every little thing that comes from his mouth - don't sit around waiting for him to cheat on her - don't try to figure out if he wants to see you because he is jealous because you look good... Unfortunately I am thinking that though we are not perfect as parents as partners as whatever - we all will have to answer to someone sooner or later - it is not up to you - to try and figure out everything about him - them or what ifs and or what have yous - Now I think we should apply and Ally McBeal life lesson - and pick a theme song - Mary J. Blige - No More Drama in my Life... And go with that... Let it go - let the fog clear and realize that though you don' tlike what happened - you can never, fix and or change it ...

Meet the friend if you want, but set boundaries, ie. don't discuss J.
Re the following:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> if we could talk for about 30 minutes about "finances" and "what he owes me".
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My suggestion:
J,
I would be happy to set up a business meeting with you to discuss finances and other issues. However, it isn't appropriate to discuss these matters with son present and I will only meet in a public place (name place here - preferably a well lit diner or even the local library - can't raise voices). Additionally, as this is a business meeting, please provide your written agenda in advance and understand that we will discuss only issues related to son and business matters at this meeting. In turn, I will provide a list of topics/concerns I would like to address. As always, I am open to discussion so that we can co-parent in the best interest of our son.

His d was final (brief marriage, no kids, xw moved away to TX few years before me)but he lied about when it was final to me. I thought it had already been finalized after meeting him and my sitch was completely different than his present one(s) b/c I didn't live with him before marriage and I directly did not know he did not have his D final (was told it was) and only found out the date was incorrect about the time we went to get the license. By then it was 2 years dating and a few weeks away from huge wedding...all paid for. Again, the liar explained it away. Never knew xw or ever met her..gone well before me. I would not have ever gone out with anybody I did not think was Biblically unavailable as I find it morally offensive and wrong. But no, they weren't under same roof or same state when I met him. But...ironically when I separated from him, I found out later on that his xw flew into town and spent the night at my house, my home I lived in with Jethro. He's really goot at lying to women, but the difference is that THESE WOMEN KNOW THE LIES FIRSTHAND AND KNOW IT'S A LIE..They knew he was MARRIED when they saw him, that he was a dad and married for 5 years. Again, completey different. Nobody would have known and when I was 23 I would have never thought of hiring a PI to do a background search on my bf back then...but older and wiser now..if I get serious someday w/someone, I will find out all about their life and make darn sure that no skeletons are waiting in the closet to be found. What I do find ironic, is when I almost called off the wedding right before after getting the news he'd lied to me, his mom justified it all saying that she had been gone for several years and that it was just a paperwork glitch thing..after all I believed it. Yea, he has a new life now...based on more lies again. Complete lies. But both of them were active in this lie becoming his third marriage. But as it says in the Bible...a lie begats a lie begats a lie. And to think I almost backed out of marrying him in the first place b/c I saw the real date on the papers...

He was seeing BOTH monkeyho and FV..I just didn't get the d day with FV until a few months later...but it was confirmed when FV called me last fall that she'd been with him then..they overlap with each other as does a certain nurse in MS, and one more that used to be employed by him too...I don't post about them, but found out information that he'd had many many affairs...found out from his former best friend that he'd cheated horribly on his first w and basically he is who he is...

I don't get it...It's as almost as your are justifying FV and her position as his new W. No, no comparison is there between she or myself. We're completely different in morality, education, and looks too. FV sought out a guy who could support her financially as she was living with another girl in an apartment with partial custody of her son..incidentally, Jethro also dated her roommate as well. She knew all about me. Everything about my family. She said she just "thought" we'd not get back together. She actually said that to me. How she justified meeting and dating him. Funny now, but she even lied to her roommate..roommate moved out and moved to another state. Wanted a wealthy guy and somebody like that at ANY cost. My head hurts if I think of the web of lies that man's made. But FV is anything but innocent. She was just better sneaking around for a few months and I was unable to verify their A as well as the others stated above until a few months later. By the time I found out about her, we'd already separated but I thought that the real OW, not fully knowing he was seeing FV as much, was Monkeyho...and she still is btw..he moved in with FV within days of Monkey breaking up with him.

I sure hope your're doing well and the neighbor issue is being resolved. Hope you're dealing with it better too. Know xh's can be jerks and ours are such. Did your xh ever come clean? I am wondering. Your neighbor tried to pretend they weren't seeing each other.

Think I'm doing a pretty good job of getting on with my life though. I do want to go to lunch with her but am trying to get more boundaries in place so that I can move ahead without distractions.

In dealing with xh though, I have done well. No other issues other than our son and his well being and finances. That's how I want it. He refuses to discuss the final lump sums over phone. I wouldn't worry if he met me somewhere nearby (mcdonald's playland or something), not at my home to discuss it. But I don't want him coming into my home to discuss anything. Although my son will be there, I still wouldn't feel very comfortable having him there.

Peachy I am not by any means justifying what she did - and I am sure that she is of low moral character - but in some ways I guess I feel bad for her child and her new child because they have been born and will be born into horrible situations...I just think that you are a smart and intelligent person and you deserve so much better and that you shouldn't even give them the time of day - or better yet the thought of the day...Exhusbands are a huge pain in the butt - and ins someways you are probably lucky that he even wants to spend time with your son...My issues are still the same - the lady still lives next door - which is a constant source of I don't know what you call except maybe a reminder....My ex does not really see my children at all.. He has called the house 11 times this year - and seen my youngest daughter two times and my older daughter once for five minutes - he calls once a week - and puts all of the blame on me for not forcing them to see him - I forced my older daughter for over a year to go with him and that was just on Friday nights -that I just got to the point that I said fine I will not force you to go with him -it will be up to him.... She is almost 14 and has pretty much had it out with him on numerous occasions.. My ex thinks that he divorced me and that people do it all of th etime and that the kids should just be fine with that.. Well yes he did divorce me - but he also went about it all wrong - we were together since 1983 married in 1987 - and hardly ever even had a fight - then come to find out in October 2001 - he says he had an affair - then come April 2002 - find out that it is with the lady next door - constant lies continued and continued trying to get me to second guess my instincts which happened and you could say - that he pretty much rewrote history - my kids saw their mother go from this normal person to an absolute basket case to a freak with each new revelation that went on day after day after day.. Yes did they see more than they should have absolutely - but could I help how I reacted to his betrayal to his affair with the lady next door - I don't think so - do I wish that I hadn't cared yes totally.. Do I wish that they had never seen me cry - do I wish that I could have that friendly attitude with their father - yes absolutely... My kids I am afraid are going to hold all of this against their father forever - now in his mind it is all my fault and yes alot of it probably is but again he will not take the blame for changing their lives... And as for his girlfriend - he actually admitted yesterday that he had been seeing the next door neighbor for one year in April - well their is some truth to that statement it was April but it will be like three years.. He says now this is funny - that she is not in their lives because of respect for my feelings - that is a joke... But I guess for youwhat I wish is that you would just let him go and go on - you have seen what he was like in the past and will probably continue to be in the future.. And you can do better.. You son needs a positive role model in his life and he doesn't need to see the effect that his fathers life has had on you .. Unfortunately my girls will probably always have father issues because - they have seen alot because they were and are older. And that will constantly haunt me.... Wondering what I could have done better... Do I force them to go with their Dad - Is it even my place to be involved with their relationship with their Dad... I am sorry that I offended you to some degree but I just think that with your son so young - that you have to accept that he will be with the other family on a parttime basis - God I cannot even imagine that - but I just think in his best interest will be for you to accept it. ANd I am by no means saying you should be friends with that woman not at all - absolutely not.. I just think that maybe these ex's to us should be absolutely nothing... to us - nothing at all -

Newly, AWESOME SUGGESTION AND I WILL DO IT. Will also bring micro recorder with me though.
You're too cool...

Sorry to hear Maw about the neighbor. And I totally agree with you about the nothing thing. He's basically a sperm donor to me at this point. He helped me create a beautiful little boy and that's that.

It is amazing how he finally told you. You knew it all along and it really was believed by them to be a "secret" from you. Amazing. You're strong and we can aside from finances and parenting, literally erase it. I am trying hard to do that now. Some days it feels like he doesn't even exist to me now. And it feels good. I actually feel sorry for FV. She is going down same path I did but faster and the ink isn't even dry on either the decree or the marriage certificate and he's talking to monkey again.

I almost feel like saying, if I had that kind of contact with him which I will not...that "go ahead and just get with the monkey after all...go ahead and do it. Be happy. Be foggy. If it will make you easier to deal with, live with whomever it is." That's the point where I am at.

But don't you just sometimes just shake your head in disbelief at the actions? I am still awestruck three years later at what he's done.

peachy,
Let me start by saying that I do not in any way, shape or form think that what FV has done is ok. I think you are right on it when you say she purposly got preggo to snag him and money played a big, big part in that. That is painfully clear and you know this better than any of us here because you have said that you don't post about everything ... goodness ... who'd have the time or spaace (haha) but do you think that J probably told FV some huge zoinkers(lies) too? Has she ever said as much to you? Like lied about your split-up, etc. I am sure if so it is by no means like he lied to you with the first ex. I was dating a guy once who did that to me. He held a huge job in a huge international corporation, drove around in his Porsche, supported his 2 children amazingly and low and behold ... he only told me about the first ex wife (the kid's mom) whom he'd divorced 4 years earlier ... he TOTALLY forgot to tell me about his current wife whom he'd married 2 years earlier and was currently seperated from (he was seperated she had moved out and back to her hometown) however ... he NEVER mentioned that he was still legally married, Never even mentioned her!!! I found out a few months after we broke up from a mutual acquaintance. I was shocked. He totally forgot wife number 2!!! anyway, just an example of how you only know what someone tells you and what you see isn't always telling the entire story.
J sounds like he is and will be a seriel cheater ... he'll trade FV in a few for another younger, hipper version and so on and so on.

a p.s.
have you had lunch with the friend yet? I have had mixed experiences with those situations. I have tried a couple of times to re-connect with wives of some of the couples we were friends with but if is diffent now. I have found that unless I had a seperate and personnal, on my own, special friendship with them that would have been a part of my life apart from me and my ex it hasn't really worked. Divorce changes the playing field of relationships in many ways.

Ok my bud KBella,

you're gonna loooove this one..

Jethro met FV at a local hotspot. They "claim" to have met five months later when Jethro went to a "singles church memorial day retreat". Meanwhile, that church is not one where he is a member, has a huge singles group and HE WAS NOT EVEN SINGLE.

I found out he was for sure dating her roommate (sleeping with as well) before FV. FV and roommate have fallout and roommate moves to Nebraska (found that out from check). And sure, he lied to FV I am sure..

But trust me...that girl knew he was married and had a son and that I existed. She even told me that she knew it all.

Partner's wife emailed me and we're gonna try for the following weekend...that is if I am in town. If not, a weeknight when son is with xh.

And divorce sure changes dynamics of dating. I am frightened to death I will get Lied to again by some shark in a suit or something...

And he'll cheat again b/c he's gotten exactly what he DID NOT WANT in the first place. To be tied down to a woman with lots of kids around and that proverbial ball and chain. As the rappers say...Jethro's a PLAYA.

They don't make good relationship material. And I am sorry you went through that. How convenient he "forgot" about xw no. 2...Are you sure you didn't date JEthro? ha ha ha ha ha.

Funny part is FV and I have switched roles now. Except for the morality department...I am now the one going out on weekends (when son is not here only), having multiple dates and actually now I look much younger than before. Grew my hair very very long a la Ms. Spears, and gotten back into shape and am independent woman I was years ago....like when he met me. Have new friends and could do something every night of the week if I wanted to. Guess I might appear foggy even..lol!

But now, she's tied down and expecting her barely legit baby and has the 4 y.o. too. Not to mention, my son when he's over there visiting. Jethro's not too much of a hands on type of guy so she's overworked. Then I hear how my son said that Jethro yelled at her the other day and she was crying..Yep. He's back again cheating or doing something bad. I don't feel very sorry for her b/c unlike me SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS GETTING BUT WANTED THE GOLD. She really worked hard for the money. And now he's stuck with an uneducated girl who can't model probably anymore unless she has more surgeries or something...no education. Last fall she was answering phones for him at his office. Yep. That's what she can do.

We're going outside (son and I) to go fly a kite..windy and warm here.

I wish guys came with warning labels like music with offensive lyrics so you knew what you were getting. I swear, if anybody I date is divorced, they'd better be ready to whip out those darn papers! Cause' I wanna see.