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Been married 1-1/2 years, I'm 49 my wife is 35. Last October we were experiencing much stress from financial issues, my ex-wife, and my kids. My wife also has a 9-yr old. She moved to New England from Montreal Canada and left everything to be with me and my kids. It had been stressful on her because I wasn't protecting this relationship and being an adult and a good husband. Instead I would run from my problems and escape any way I could. On top of that, I was emotionally abusive to her, sometimes say mean things, and not be supportive. We conceived a child last July. She wanted a child from me. Big sacrifice for me because of my age, yet I thought about it long and hard, and decided I love this woman more than life and will make the sacrifice for another child. (She regrets this now more than ever that she got pregnant) In October after another arguement, my wife, now 3 months pregnant went on a business trip overseas and aborted our child (against my wishes), when she returned from Germany, she told me she was leaving me and the following week she moved back to Montreal about 340 miles away. Before she left I asked for a 2nd chance, she feels she gave me one in July when she stayed in Montreal for 2 weeks and said she might leave me. I never knew how bad it was for her and wished I paid more attention.

I am so ashamed and sorry for what I've done and I have told her that. Spent time these days working on myself and trying to learn from my mistakes. For the first 2 months of our separation I was pleading and manipulative. In December I took an apt. in Montreal with the intent of going up there to visit every two weeks. Hopefully to let her know I could be financially secure and treat her with respect and dignity and have a friendship. I have suggested counseling on numerous occasions but she sees this as all my issue and that counseling will not help the marriage. In her mind I treated her terribly, I am mean, I have issues, too up and down, too much drama from my ex and my kids, etc etc etc.

I have been making the 6-hr drive up there every two weeks since Xmas. When I visit her we enjoy each other's company, (I also get the chance to see my step-daughter who loves me dearly,) we drink wine, end up having sex and I sleep over her place (but in separate beds because of her 9 yr old), she tells me she likes having me around but has also said last week that she is never coming back to the marriage. I am trying the 180 stuff as a last resort, we keep in touch via email. Since she made that "never" statement I decided I should move back to New England, give up my apt in Montreal and focus on my two daughters 17 and 9 who miss me and need me. When I told my wife Iof my decision, I could tell it effected her and the fact that i turned down a very nice job in Montreal. But why saty when my kids need me, I suppose I could go back to England and still visit Montreal, but should I?Should I even call? Should I file? Should I give her all the cash she is demanding she put into the marriage? Should I give up? Should I do the 180 stuff? The only thing I have is that she likes having me around. I'm lost and love her dearly and only want to be the man she married. But I'm afraid I will not get the second chance, and feel confident that this could work. Never felt pain like this before. And my mother passed away 2 weeks ago. Loss after loss. Don't know what to do. Should I keep in touch or just move on? or both? help me anyone.

It sound to me like you were making deposits in her Love bank on your visits.

How many more deposits do you think it will take to get your ballance back in the black?

Hi WIWH,
I think I need to review the Love Bank concept more to answer your question. Can I assume that putting deposits in her bank is a "good" thing? I need to go back and read some I think.

Hi again WIWH,
After reading the Love Deposits article, I'm still not sure I understand. Can you help?

You realy need to read all the basic concepts here

Basic Concepts

Just as important is to understand Love Busters and how to avoid them.

Love Busters

You should read everything you can in all the article and QA colums also.

Get the books His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters and start reading.

The more you understand about the MB dynamics the better off you are and the easier it will be for other posters to give you advice.

Assuming you understand the genral I dea of the love bank,I"ll try to clarify.

Befor you and W married, you developed accounts in eachothers Love Banks that were beyond belief. A ballance so high that you were maddly in love with each other. Enough to decide to spend the rest of your lives together.

but the a year and 1/2 of>>>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It had been stressful on her because I wasn't protecting this relationship and being an adult and a good husband. Instead I would run from my problems and escape any way I could. On top of that, I was emotionally abusive to her, sometimes say mean things, and not be supportive. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've been doing nothing but withdrawing from her LB. Maybe a few deposits here and there, But mostly withdraws.

Lately you have had the chance to start making more deposits.

Now think of all the withdraws you have made and think of all the deposits you would have to make to make up for it.

It took a year and a 1/2 you run her LB down so low, you have only been working on the deposits every other week since Xmas.

Get my point??

Don't jump into any permanent decissions until you fell confident that you have done everything that you can, otherwise you will never know what could have been.

WIWH

Thanks WIWH for the sage advice. I'll get those books asap.