My stbxh is addicted to porn. He surfs the net for it, watches it on tv...all secretly, of course. Then lies about it. He has promised several times to stop but he doesn't. It's one of the many issues in our marriage.

I also think that it makes him feel it is okay to treat me badly because we all know that women aren't treated like princesses in porn.

Any words of wisdom here?

franklymydears,

I see you found your password <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Any addiction is how you describe it. Wether it be drugs, alchohol, porn, or what ever.

Take it from a long time drinker. Hiding and lieing about an addiction means nothing to the addict.

I've never been a porn adict but I really don't think that it would make one treat others like they do in the films. Porn is more of a fantasy world and even guys who like it know that it is not real. Heck, anyone with a sex life knows that it can't be real <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In any case, to the best of my knowledge, you should be thinking about yourself right now and not your departed STBXH's downfalls

WIWH

franklymydears
Is this the reason or one of many for the breakup? Porn addiction is tough to break especially for him right now since you are going your separate ways.

I would work on yourself if you are sure that the D will go through. If you are trying to save your M then this is an issue that has to be dealt with. If you are interested in saving then talk to him and look him in the eye and tell him how you feel about this. Let him know that you feel compromised by this and that if he wants to work things out this must be stopped. If it is a true addiction ask him to go to an anonymous type meeting. I have found lots of hope and support with my addictions (not porn). If he does go he will gain understanding as to why does the things he does. He may not stop right away but understanding is the first step.

Oh, dear..... I will hunt up the famous telephone numbers. There is a cure for this like there is a cure for alcoholism.....none that I know of. Although, you can make a good recovery. But that takes a lot of work. No magic pill.

The co-addict group I belong to was called S-Anon. It is for family members of people with sexual addictions and porn use falls into that category.

S-Anon is an anonymous group - very much like AlAnon. The number for their international offices is 6115-833-3152. They can send you information about whether or not sexual addiction and it's side affects might be a problem in your life and they should be able to help you find the nearest group to you.

There are other groups that deal with this addiction but this is the one with which I have experience.

The group for the addicts is called SA, short for Sexaholics Anonymous. Their phone number is 615-331-6230.

Given your situation, I'm not sure if there is any sex between the 2 of you, but another option is to dress and act like your in the film next time. Of course you would have to over do it.

Maybe that would knock some sense into him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Would probably humiliate the he77 out of him, but he would see that it matters to you in the end

Tough habit to kick.

Of course he has to be willing of himself to do this for himself.

The other thing is he has to have a reason or be shown WHY it is wrong. If he clearly has no reason to think it's wrong then he clearly has no reason to stop.

Going back to Church helped me realize just how wrong it was and made me want to not bother with it anymore. It's really sad what a temporary "feeling" it gives you but then the guilt you are left with.

It was easy to justify it to myself when I wasn't going to Church, but the truth pierces through to show you how wrong a persons thinking can be. I have to forcefully and consciously turn away from T.V. ads, web pages, etc. with even the littlest hint of Sex. It's crazy just how much of it is out there that can be a "trigger" in a sense. If you let it in through your eyes, it will set upon your heart and mind.

I too am a former porn user and have some insights for you about your H. I have written on this subject before and learned a lot about myself in the process.

For you, you should realize several things. You can never compete with all the women on the web, who are willing to do anything he wants at the click of a mouse. And with no effort or strings attached. Second, he will likely take ever increasing risks and measures to hide this from you and maintain his steady stream of images. You have to understand as Ed alluded to his brain and eyes are working differently when under the influence of porn.

I too treated my W differently when I was doing porn and under its influence. I was shorter and more critical of her, she couldn't meet my expectations outside the bedroom let alone in. Eventually, I started to see this pattern of my behavior and its effect on W and the M. And I wanted to change it. For me it was way too late, she had already gotten into an A. D-Day for me triggered me to look at myself and not live that way anymore. Every aspect of my life went under the microscope and a complete overhaul has occurred.

For my W, the lying and coverup were the worst part and I became better at each of these because when she caught me one night and confronted me, she totally flipped out. I thought she would divorce me on the spot for her rage and tears. As a result, I tried to fight it on my own and told her what she wanted to hear. If you do talk to H about this, be loving and safe for him to reveal his own secret fears and struggles to you. Try to understand why he's doing it and may be you can help him overcome. For me, W was fairly prudish and not sexually adventurous, but I wanted to explore and express things that were by no means bizarre or aberrant.

What it comes down to is this...he has some reason for doing this that he can not fix on his own. You can help...God can do it in a heartbeat(as in my case), but he can't do it on his own.

Best wishes and good luck

ps. valuable websites for me have been the following:
http://www.contentwatch.com/community/archive_list.php, http://www.moralityinmedia.org/, and the book Every Man's Struggle(Battle)

Hi Frankly:

I`d recommend a book to your husband. It is "Everyman`s Battle" by Steve Arterburn. It offers Christian-based advice for dealing with this all too common problem.

Standing in Finland