My wife of 15 years has lied to me about a man she met at work. She met him about sept. and that is when my life started to change.she lied about her cell phone bill and hide it. she then told me they call each other about 5 or 6 times a day.but that it is just real estate she is a realtor. then she lied about meeting him.she has lied about him more times than I can count. she filed a divorce about 6 weeks ago and moved out. she moved in a little place by herself.but she comes home stay about then moves out again. she said she loves me and she did not have anything to do with him.she is back now if we dont talk about him things are not to bad but she will not talk about us makeing it work.she talks about when we split up what she wants in the divorce. she will tell me she loves me . i dont know what to think or do . HELP

No one can say with certainty that your wife is having an affair...however, unfortunately all the predictors are there, and it's my opinion that your wife IS involved in an affair. It's a strange thing....but the actions and words of most WS's are very similar and your wife is following the general script. Secretive behavior, lies, space, talk of divorce, waffling back and forth, inability to make a commitment.

So....the next question is what are you going to do about it. Well, experience tells us that there is no hope of recovering your marriage until the affair is over. Please read about Plan A...and begin following that course. Start posting on the JFO board or GQII....that will be more helpful for where you are. Is the OM married? You should call his wife if he is.

Welcome to the forum...keep posting. I'm sorry about your situation.

Find out.

I got a PI and answered everything for me.

Completely for me.

If you know what you're up against you do stand a better shot at defeating it...you need to know if it's b/c of LB'ing or an actual affair. Or what the sitch is.

But sounds fishy to me...the secrecy over a cell phone bill is something my x did..big time..went nutso if I saw a cell bill. That would be you exposing the lies...they will hide their lies for as long as they can if adultery is involved. I was told I was "seeing things"..that "I made things up". AT one time I thought I was going mad b/c I would see or hear something and he'd tell me that I did NOT see that or hear that. It is stuff that normal people if outside of our relationship will clearly see the truth in. That's why posting here is good,...

Check out the Top 50 Signs your Spouse is having an A and see if any of these ring a bell.

Top 50 Signs

What is she hiding if she won't even talk about it?

I agree with the others... you can't say for certain. It depends on a lot of things. On the one hand, what you have described sounds EXACTLY like my x-ww during her affair, before I found out. On the other, if you are hurting her or engaging in generally sorry behavior, she might actually need some space. 15 years is a long time to be married. Without knowing more, who can really say?

If you want her back, I suggest Plan A. To protect yourself from things that go bump in the night, I would suggest hiring a PI to find out if she is having an affair. Just know that this is a double-edged sword. If she is having an affair, you're going to feel miserable when the truth is confirmed; but at least you'll know what you're up against. If she isn't having an affair, you're going to feel miserable for having suspected it in the first place. But, with talks of divorce looming on the horizon, you have to judge what you want more...

Either way, I would suggest that you NOT tell her you hired a PI. It just makes things worse all around...

John,

Have you read HNHN?

She may be having at least an EA, but I found through my own experience(about a crush, not an actual A) that this can be something that is uncontrollable due to another M meeting the EN's that you are not.

If you have'nt read the book yet, you should get it now. You will understand what I mean.

Even if she did have an A, I doubt she went looking for it. She may also feel guilty about it which would be cause for her to not talk about it.

Just my thoughts! Get the book!

WIWH