Hi,
I was wondering what yall do when you are feeling down and out. Yesterday I was feeling really bad about not having a husband and a future. I was desparate so I called my WH. He answered, we talked about bills and why he left and why he lied. But I still felt terrible when we got off the phone. He said he didn't know what he wanted and he was confused. I told him if he wanted to be single and not have his family then he was tying himself down with the OW. How does he know what he wants?

That is off the subject, I want to know what yall do when you get so down and out. I know I shouldn't have called him but I didn't know what else to do. Any suggestions?
j

Uh oh..

Tried the divorcebusting 180 yet? I think that'd work like a charm for you. I do some of it now and I am just dating.

Projects my good woman. You need projects. Work on you. Might I suggest redecorating house? Can move furnishings around to give new look. Start working out. I go to gym and exercise daily now. Go work on you. Get a new look. If you have kids, and they play sports, practice along with them and learn all you can about their sport.

Get busy. Distract yourself.

I also suggest a rubber band for your wrist. My sister got me one and another MB buddy suggested me do this too. Everytime you think about missing him or anything sappy, snap it on your wrist hard. When you snap it, think of the adultery, the bad stuff. It's like teaching you not to dwell on it. Very much like Pavlov's dog thing...ring bell, dog salivates. Snap the wrist, you learn to not miss somebody.

What I found through this is that I didn't know who I was when I filed for D. I was somebody's wife. The hostess for the dinner parties and events. The mother of my child. The volunteer for the charity. Who was peachy though? In the last 6 mos. I really found out. It took over a year to get here. Read alot. I did and it helped. Joined a club. Do volunteer work with that club too. Ironically club meets at time when son is visiting with his dad.

Do a Plan A for you and the kids.

And remember, unless you learn to master fogese speak, you cannot communicate with the cake eaters..try to explain that logic to an insane person..So you want to be single but you're shacked up with OW? How is that single? Only thing that works is asking them a series of questions and letting them lead themselves into the brick wall. I used to do that to my xh when we spoke more frequently and then would end by saying something foggy myself to think I am foggy too. That worked. Would end conversation saying that "I am out the door going to gym/spa/manicure/friends." End it about me.

Kinda a reversal of roles in the end. It's me who's dating multiple people, fancy free and having fun...meanwhile he's instantly remarried and living with a 9 mo. preggers wife of 6 weeks. Now I am the foggy one rightfully so and having fun. The darn rubber band works I tell you.

I think part of it is just time. I know I basically went throught he stages of grief - denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance, etc. I could not get to acceptance until I allowed myself to feel the anger I had repressed for 7 months. Instead of asking yourself, "what is wrong with me?", ask yourself, "what the heck is wrong with HIM?!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> "He's crazy to give up something so good!"

I often remind myself of all my EN's that she refused to try to meet.

I was the one that had to change all the time.

But when I do break down and call like you did, I avoid topics such as what you mentioned.

If you must, then think of something more pleasant to talk about. Heck, politics is more pleasant and I hate politics.

If Conv. heads toward these bad subjects, simply say "I'd rather not talk about that right now"

I know that communicating with WS is a bad choice but it takes time for us to build up the stamina from snapping that rubber band to avoid it.

The important thing is to keep it pleasant when you do break down and make the call.

WIWH

Faith made a very good point...

You will however, bounce back and forth inbetween those stages until each stage is really completed. It could take years...my counselor told me that.

She kept on saying last year, "hurry and get to the anger stage b/c that's the only one you haven't gotten to yet." When I did get angry, it was like what Faith said...the "what in the heck is wrong with HIM" ideas.

I am still in the anger stage. But after the remarriage recently, I found the denial stage popping back too. She said that b/c our x's aren't really DEAD like the kubler-ross model that was originally made for those grieving a death, sometimes we could experience them again years later triggered by a stupid x event...like their remarriage to OP and when he becomes dad to OP's child. So...I learned to handle it and found other outlets. I got aggressive with work and found I had a promotion...got into sales arena.

You learn to handle each stage as it rears its ugly head better and better though.

I swear the rubber band helps. You associate x with pain. Literally. Over a month or so of snapping the darn rubber band, you really learn to get it. Now I look at him or see him on caller id, I get sick and nauseous feeling and feel that snap on my wrist even though it's not there. And my counselor said another thing that's right..it is like a death. My xh, the man I thought I knew, is dead or never existed really. And you work through that. She said however only those who find their Creator in faith have chance to come back from that edge...but she said to go on with my life and not stare behind me or look back..

It's like you're at some point blessed to get to that almost numb stage. I am finally there again after the realization a few weeks ago that he eloped with OW. When it comes to my x, I just can't feel anymore. I consider that a blessing actually now. And I am sure when the baby's born I will feel again some of that cycle, but know it will last shorter and shorter.

You'll get through it. What is hardest to over come is the life changes. The being on your own without that person there. Not really missing the person they are NOW, but missing just somebody being there. And the financial changes are hard to adjust to as well. Think it's the initial resistance to the life changes that was most dramatic for me. Once I got through that part, I felt really free b/c nobody was cruel to me or uncaring or abusive. I am not the same woman I was during the last 3 years I was married. I am back to the carefree girl I was 10 years ago...but with more experiences, wisdom, and love and the blessing of being the mom to the best little boy in the whole world.

{{{{r&j}}}} It just takes time. Use the suggestions that sound good to you, but no matter what you do, the feelings will be there until you've fully grieved the loss. I read somewhere that the grieving process takes one year for every five years of marriage.

For me, that's about four years. It's been 3+ since my WH left and almost 2 since I stopped seeing and talking to him. We're still not divorced. Since my H was abusing drugs and alcohol, verbally abusive, we have no kids at home, and I've got a restraining order, no contact was best for me, but I know that's not possible, or even desirable, for everyone.

I didn't think I'd ever get over missing him and feeling: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">really bad about not having a husband and a future. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But, like Peachy, I didn't really know who I was when he left and didn't think I could make it without him. Now I'm running our business alone, doing his job and my job, and actually enjoying the freedom of living alone without the abuse, the lies, and the constant chaos.

I really wanted everything to stay the way I had thought it was, but now I realize I can live and be happy even though my STBXH chose the OW, drugs, and alcohol over me. In fact, from where I sit now, I feel darn lucky!

Keep the focus on you, on taking care of yourself, and whether he comes back or not, you'll be a happier and stronger person.