I've been reading these boards for a few weeks now and have gotten a lot of info from all of you. I would like to introduce myself and tell my story....

I'm a stay at home mom to 4 beautiful little girls under the age of 8. I've been married for 7.5 years and my husband left us on Dec. 23, 2003, the day after I confronted him with his cell phone bills and numerous calls to his co worker. But it really had started last summer, 9 weeks after I gave birth to our youngest daughter.

His ex girlfriend from 10 years ago came up with his supposed daughter to visit and he spent too much time with her, sleeping at her hotel, etc...he ended up leaving us for almost 2 weeks and came back to us. (now I know he only came back because the ex went back to Florida and it was convienant for him to come home). I walked on eggshells from August to Decemeber, trying to fix what I thought I did wrong.

The day he left, I did not try to stop him. I just let him go. I was furious about the phone calls and knew what he had been doing, even though he tried like hell to deny it all. He said he wasn't leaving me for her, he was leaving because I did not want to be a maid and he didn't want to be stuck in a miserable marriage 20 years from now. Christmas Eve he came to get the kids and had a lavish gift for me. He told me that he would continue to pay our rent and bills and give me money for food. But he took our 1998 Expedition and left me with 2 1986 rundown vehicles that are not safe for my children to ride in.

Long story short...he only sees the girls once a week. Refuses to see them more, the OW is more important right now. When I ask him to bring meds for the kids (this happened last night because I have no money or gas money) he showed up with the OW. I have tried Plan A and he just keeps yelling at me, telling me that I'm a digusting piece of crap. That the last 10 years we have been together were a big mistake and a joke. He filed for divorce last month and I answered back to get temporary child support and alimony and the safe vehicle. I don't know if I want a divorce, I do know that I can never let him do this to my girls and me again.

About a month ago, he came to pick up the kids and was asking me if I ever thought about asking him to come home, said he regretted his decision in some ways, wants to be good friends, didn't want to kiss me because he would take me upstairs and never want to leave. 2 days later he denied it all over the phone (he must've had me on speaker phone and had OW with him). He is avoiding all of his friends, drinking every weekend with OW and her ex husband, puts OW first in his life instead of the kids.

I have no money, no job, no family to help me. I have tried filling out applications, but noone will hire me because I have not worked in so long. Even if someone were to hire me, I can't afford daycare. I try to survive on the $200. that he gives me every 2 weeks. Which does not go far for a family of 5. I believe he just wants to see me suffer, I think he likes that I have to call him up and beg for money.

So there is the short version! Any advice will be greatly appreciated and helpful!

I forgot to mention that I gave him the letter of no contact last night, at the time I did not know that the OW was in the truck waiting for him to come out of my house. So I'm sure he let her read it, does that defeat my whole purpose?

Im sorry for your pain..(Ive been there) I have to go to work now but will be back later.

I will pray for you today
What state do you live in?
Take care
Dawn

Thank you for your prayers. I live in Connecticut.

I feel for you. I would suggest going to see a counselor. Talk to someone who can really listen. Maybe you can get your H in as well. Sometimes, it doesn't make any difference, but trying is at least a start.

I have thought about counseling a lot lately. I know it will help me get through this and be a better person and mother. I'm not sure I could get him to go. He thinks it is just a big beat up session on him. We had tried counseling before we were married.
Thank you for your reply. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ok....I understand completely...was myself sah mom of small child when I found out about OW (plural).

You need solutions and fast.

First, learn all about A and B. Seek my buddy Orchid on gen. questions. She's an A busting champ.

Learn about LB'ing. Read LMBT by James Dobson as well for spiritual support. You can do all these things WHILE TAKING THE NECESSARY STEPS TO PROTECTING YOURSELF AND THE KIDS FINANCIALLY AND LEGALLY.

Contact and retain attorney. If he wises up and proves himself, you can always stop preceedings. Get evidence of his affair (PI). This is a legal evidence admissable in courts. Find all financial documents and get copies made. Put originals in a saf. dep. box and rest to attorneys. Don't focus on him right now.

My x did same thing exactly. One minute he'd want to come home. He did come home briefly for four days after three months with OW1, but left after four days b/c he couldn't stop the A. A consumed him and his multiple A's destroyed it. He's living in la la land with OW and he won't listen to much. Learn about it b/c we've all been told the same stories; same crap from WS. It's textbook basically.

Get tough but be loving. I wish somebody had set me down and told me this straight. Wish I had gotten proactive faster and hit him with legal two by four. I still don't think that would have changed outcome though.

Focus on you and the kids right now ok? Prayers with you guys.

I can't even afford an attorney nevermind a PI. I have called Legal Aid over and over again and they send me letters stating that they cannot provide me an attorney.

I called H this afternoon because my daughter came home from school early with an ear infection and I need to get her to the Ped, but I do not have the copays for the visit and prescription. He proceeded to yell at me and asked what I wanted him to do. I said very nicely, "just please take responsibility for your children, goodbye". He called back and screamed that half of our bills were my responsibility and called me a piece of sh*t. He called back again and asked what I wanted him to do about the money for the Ped and I said, just try your best to help, that's all I ask for.

It kills me that he doesn't even care about our children.

Get proactive..call family. Call friends. Call HIS PARENTS...tell them what he's done.

Call a women's support group/shelter. They should have a legal advocate on call 24/7.

You're not powerless. Ask for help and NOW.

Here you go:

www.jud.state.ct.us/LawLib/referral.htm

www.connlegalservices.org/

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Get proactive..call family. Call friends. Call HIS PARENTS...tell them what he's done.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I couldn't agree more!

Protect your little ones!

www.connlegalservices.org/
This is the place that couldn't help me. Unfortunately I can't call his parents. He lives with his Dad now and his mother is just as bad as he is.

I am meeting with a friend tonight that might help me with a lawyer!!!!

Expose this to the light of day asap...they end quicker this way or it forces it to a head anyway...

Get legal aid from the women's advocate attorney that the shelters usually keep on call. Your county can call an emergency hearing within 24 hours. I had one but it took 48. Either way, you'll get before a judge and set the wheels into motion to get the support you and the kids need.

Doing THIS IS NOT A LB. NOT AT ALL. IT IS FOR YOUR KIDS AND I THINK ALL HERE WOULD AGREE ON THIS. Don't worry about him right now. Do this for you. Remember WHO IS THE ONE ACTING CHILDISH AND ACTING IN THEIR OWN BEST INTEREST...YOUR WH.

I know it's hard hon. Suck it in for a few days and get this going. I wish you lived near me and I'd help you out with this.

Ragamuffin is cool. Use the links. Call the local area woman's shelter. Please, please do this right away.

This is not the end of the world. It seems so, but it isn't. I made it through b/c of the wise people here. It's a sad and rough journey but if you use your brains more than your emotions you'll do much much better..I pray you two work this out, but I also pray for you to get wisdom and be active in doing what you can for your family right now. The kids can't get the support for themselves.

Call up MIL and FIL and tell them that you've been left with NO MONEY from their son and ask if "they'll talk with him about his affair and why he won't help out his family".

Blow the lid off the affair secret now. Sure, he'll get mad. Everybody will be onto them. But it will make them LB and turn on each other and he'll have to do something about the little problem of not supporting his children and wife anymore.

I'd file for divorce on grounds of abandonment, adultery, and cruel treatment. He left you without giving support, cheated, and has yelled abusively at you. Get strong and go after what your children deserve. If he wakes up, he wakes up. Meanwhile all you can control is YOU> that means to take charge of this financial sitch, and work on you and be there for the kids who are probably taking this really hard.

Try the Divorcebusting 180 list and plan A and B too. But remember as I preach always..plan A does NOT mean become a doormat. You just work on you...no pandering to the whims of the WS.

Then call his dad and call his sister and call his mom...I seriously doubt the IL's would want their grandkids going hungry.

Call the area woman's shelter too..this is a crisis...you need to get before a judge asap

I gave him the letter of no contact last night
What is this?
Do you mean a Plan B letter?

So I'm sure he let her read it, does that defeat my whole purpose?
If you are in Plan B, you should have sent a copy of the Plan B letter to her anyway.

Why are you in Plan B if you are divorcing him?

I have thought about counseling a lot lately. I know it will help me get through this and be a better person and mother. I'm not sure I could get him to go.
You can go without him.

Unfortunately I can't call his parents.
Why not?

He lives with his Dad now and his mother is just as bad as he is.
What do you mean, "just as bad as he is? Just as bad as his father or just as bad as your h?
Does this mean they do not care for their grandchildren in any way?

Have you read "Suriving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley?
Also, read the links below.

<small>[ March 03, 2004, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Unfortunately I can't call his parents. He lives with his Dad now and his mother is just as bad as he is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Can you tell this makes me see RED?

My 29, soon to be 30 year-old son has spent the last 16 months in fogland . I'M NOT PROUD or in agreement. I've stuck by my daughter-in-law and two grandsons through this entire rollercoaster that my son has created for our entire family.

There was a piercing of that fog last Sunday. I could hear some vague sounds of my son pulling his head out of.....well, you know where!

As I told my daughter-in-law, if you can get your hands on a little extra cash buy Surviving An Affair A.S.A.P. You can buy the book here or at Amazon. The book has helped her keep her sanity through the most horrible of times that my son and the OW created.

You see we have a "Fatal Attraction" OW. I've been to court with my DIL for a protection order from the OW also.

So believe me sweetie I know of what you must be going through. You NEED financial support. You need a immediate court hearing for temporary support and alimony. Not that I don't believe for one second that he may come back around you've got to protect you and the little ones while your husbands head is....the same place my sons was.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am meeting with a friend tonight that might help me with a lawyer!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You go girl! At times like this it's not what you know, it's who you know!

By the way, welcome to MB's! Sorry for the circumstances though!

Chris,
Yes I gave him the plan B letter. I do not want the divorce, he does. I only answered so I could get temp alimony and child support (the hearing is next week).

Background on his parents...
His father did this to his mother after 24 years of marriage so he thinks H is doing no wrong. FIL and H's grandparents are all alcoholics.
His mother "adored" me for the last 10 years until his ex girlfriend came up last summer and she said, "Jessica had her chance to shine and sh*t on it" because I reacted to H spending the night with the ex girlfriend and daughter, and has not spoken to me since. She is the type of grandmother that will send lavish gifts but never really care about her grandchildren.

I have exposed the affair to everyone possible (his father knows because she has spent the night there with H)I believe his grandparents know because he brought her to their house for the weekend, they live out of state. All of the co- workers know,his friends know, my family knows. I don't think they are denying it anymore. Like I said earlier he is hanging out with OW's ex husband. This OW has slept with most of the employees where they work. She is always going for a man who is eithered married or in a relationship.

All of H's friends that are TRUE friends have called me and asked how the kids were doing and tried to help out with groceries and money. Before he knew this he had stopped talking to them. Right now drinking and partying w/ OW is more important than anything else. From what I hear from those who know OW, she will not stay with him for too much longer. She has a bigtime reputation.

As for me and the kids, I'm calling our town's youth services tomorrow to get all of us someone to talk to. This service I told was free! And if I don't get anywhere with them, the principal at my daughters' school will try to pull some strings.

At this time, I'm just tired of the games and the excuses and lies H tells. I have tried to stay strong and had quite a few moments of outrage, but then I bounce back the next day. He certainly knows how to push my buttons. I figured I'd just kill him with kindness when he calls to say goodnight to the girls. I told him today to please stop calling my home and disrespecting me.

Thanks everyone for the kinds words and the wisdom! I swear this is harder than losing my mother!

Sorry you are going thru such pain. I feel so bad for you, I have also been there.

There are alot of places you can get assistance. I know because you H is not giving you any money to live on, that you would qualify for assistance. I had to swallow my pride at one very tough time in my life, and accept help. It too was hard for me to imagine letting his children go without food. Actually, I applied for assistance, and qualified for emergency food stamps, and received them that day.

Just check out every resource, you can make it, take care of those kids. He will not get by with not paying you. You don't work, you have stayed home to care for your children. I have a friend that has 4 children, she has never worked, always stayed home to care for her children. Her H left her for another woman, and believe me, he is paying for it thru support and maintenance.

Just check out all your resources, and lots of prayer.
Hugz to you,
becky

I'd record these conversations as well. Wouldn't hurt to have WH's antics on tape.