I honestly believe my wife loves me very much and I love her too, but here is the problem. She has a mael friend that she had a sexual relationship and she says its over, but now they are just friends. I believe that but there will always be that bit of doubt and suspicion. We have had fight after fight over this and I am torn as to what to do. I dont wanna give her an ulitmatum but if she gave me one (ultimatum that is) I wouldnt like it or go for it at all. But by the same token in marriage we make sacrafices to be with and make the other person happy. Not sacrifices to the point that we lose our own identity, but some thigs we have to give up and let go of. How can I ever really believe that the past relationship between my wife and this man is truly a thing of the past?

Curtis, I could not tell by your post whether or not your wife had a sexual relationship with this guy during your marriage or before. If it was during your marriage, then I think that she should cut off all contact with this guy. You may want to read Harley's advice on this matter, much has been written about it. Good luck.

the affair was before and during the first few months of our marriage, but now they are supposedly "just friends". i just read the areticle aboue what to do to try to restore the marriage, but it so hard if she cant let him go!<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: curtis ]</p>

Curtis,<p>You have got to be kidding. Your wife has a sexual relationship with another man before and during the first few months of your marriage and continues to be friends with this man against your wishes? First, she totally disrespects you and breaks her wedding vows during the first months of your marriage and you are to accept their continuing friendship? It is totally unacceptable and inapproriate. Most men would have left the marriage if this had occurred in the first few
months of the relationship. Her attitude is
unbelievable.<p>What do you think her attitude would be if you had
a sexual affair with a previous girlfriend during the first few months of the marriage and now you tell her that although you love her; you plan to continue the friendship with her regardless of your wife's feelings?<p>I would really question the committement of the marriage by your wife. This shows no remorse and no respect for the pain that you are going through. She seems very selfish. I think most men would never accept this. It sounds like she is choosing her friendship with this man over you.
If she really loved you she would never have put you in this position and continue to humiliate and disrespect you. If you are early in your marriage and have no children then I would think about a life without her. There is no way she should have any contact with him. Her comment that she wishes to remain friends with him is outrageous. I would not put up with it. Why do you wish to live your life this way? I wish you luck.

Well actually we have a beautiful 2 year old dughter, and my concern is for her, and seing how the court system works, I dont think i would ever get custody of my daughter.

Curtis,<p>The fact that you have a beautiful child does make a difference and I agree with your fear of the court system. I would suggest counseling immediately. I wonder why your wife got married in the first place? The first few year of a marriage should be an extremely happy period. Having an affair during this period makes you wonder why she got married and continued to be married.<p>I understand your position Curtis but it seems so unfair to you that you have to accept her continuing friendship with her lover. I do not comprehend a person who claims to love you making you continue to suffer this indignity. I hope you can deal with this friendship for the rest of your life. I think your wife is very cruel to you. I wish you luck.

Ok, first of all. Let me as Curtis' wife say a few things. The parts he has left out is that he has also been unfaithful. <p>And he does have old girl friends that he has remained friends with, and even new friends that he has met on line that I would suspect him of doing things with. <p>Our marriage hasn't been a happy marriage for a while, I think we are both adult enough to realize that. I did leave for a while and he claimed to be miserable, please come back we will work on things. <p>As far as our daughter is concerned I would not give him custody. However, I would not keep her away from her father. He is important in her life, and I would not take him away from her. <p>So maybe he should reveal all the information before painting half the picture.

To Selectivity,<p>Thank you for presenting the whole picture. My comments of course were based on only part of the picture. I would suggest that either both of you make a true committment to the marriage or look to move on. The amount of flirting and unfaithfulness in the marriage shows you both have tremendous problems. Again I apologize that my previous comments were based on incomplete and one sided
information. I wish you both luck.

but having said all of that......... I am at least trying now and certainly willing to give up all past friends, you know i dont want a divorce I think we can work it out, but I am trying to compromisewhere is your give and take. But my old flame is 3000 miles away, not across town and really just a friend, and if need be, would give her up.

curtis - Your wife is looking for something - probably the excitement of courtship vs. stability of marriage.
You are right to want her to be loyal.
She is looking for attention it seems. Ask her what she likes, surprise her with gifts etc.
Do something out of character like sprinkle rose petals on the floor.
If she still wants two lovers at least in her mind then you do have a problem.
Teach her about men's needs, men are hard-wired to be exclusive, it is part of nature, perhaps she is hoping to control something beyond her control.
Finally get her interested in her career or taking classes or something fun and exciting not pursuing another man which is unhealthy and ultimately not as satisfying as a new career or hobby or interest.