Well, well, well. It has been sometime now. It has been a while since I have updated everyone.

Well, here it is.

I could not take the pain anymore. It was by far too much! She is bent on remaining in her adulterous relationship and she is bent on hurting the entire family. I found out that she was pregnant by this other guy (had an abortion a few weeks ago), I gave her an ultimatum, either end the relationship with him and start slowly working on our marriage or I'm gone. She said "bye".

So I filed. I have the children 100% of the time now. Lately, she has been trying to fight this. She tried to pick them up before I got to them, but that didn't work. This marriage is broken beyond repair. She tried to run over me with her car. I told her to "go to hell, you whore". After a year of living in this I finally TRULY love busted and boy, did I.

Ah, well. All's well that ends well and I hopefully this ends well.

She tried to run you over with the car? Seriously? Or is that hyperbole? If she did, I suggest you press charges. Go on record and get a restraining order.

Otherwise, I'm sorry.

I got that car thing too, during a really bad transfer of the children. The police just brushed it off and told me not to bother to get a restraining order because it wouldn't hold up.

Hey Solon, how are ya doing these days. I haven't posted to you in a while... well actually I haven't posted much at all for a awhile. I'm stuck in the middle of a divorce and a major custody battle myself. We are splitting the kids 50/50 right now but both of us are seeking full custody. I think she is doing it for the money as she only wants one additional day... thus giving her the primary residence. For this she wants me to pay about $1500 a month! I just want what's best for the kids and don't want anything from her. Oh well... we'll see how it goes, we have a court date in April on this.

Anyway, how have you been. Roger told me that you finally had enough and filed, sorry I didn't get a chance to post to you sooner. I'm sorry it has come to this point for you, but I don't see what more you could have done. This seems to be her lifestyle of choice for her with no end in sight. I hear that life gets better... but I've seen no evidence of it yet... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Hang in there...

Hey, what's going on WMWB???

Yeah, enough is enough. I just could not take any more abuse. She is literally out of her mind and she is clearly not the woman I married.

Roger is a good guy. I vent to him all the time and he's kind enough to sit and listen to me. I am moving on now. I think deep down I wish she would have changed, but now I see she is really not a pleasant person and not someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with (I'm 30).

I'm sorry about your fight over your children. I hope in your state they are not biased towards women. How are you otherwise?

Well, I hear that it is sort fo county by county around here. From what I understand the county I'm in is pretty fair. I hope so anyway.

Yeah Roger is pretty good... he kept me out of jail last night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> !!!! I was on the phone with him when i spotted my WW car and the OM's car in the parking lot of the pizza joint I was about to enter... he convinced me that I probably shouldn't go in there after all. Good thing I think, being that my wife had the kids... and I would hate for them to have to see their dad get arrested for bringing their mom's boyfreind to within an inch of his life. Besides, that would have cinched the custody war in her favor.

Other than that, I'm doing fine. I hate how lonely the house feels when the kids are with her, so i tend to work allot fo overtime on those days. I'm getting ready (emotionally) for whatever comes next, which looks as though it will be moving on. I'm only 27, and I too have really come to realize my WW's true character over the last couple of months. I truely don't think I want to spend the next 50 yrs. with someone like her. Life is too short for that, ya know!?

So, how are your kids handling all of this? Mine seems to be doing fine, although they never want to spend the night with their mother. Does your WW bring the kids around the OM? How do you handle it? I hreally have trouble with that part of all this at the moment.

Yikes! Yeah, that is a good thing you did not go in there. I am sure that would have been a painful sight...for everyone had you acted on your instincts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
At 27 you still have much time to start all over again. I know the thought of it is sickening, but we are only part of this equation. If the other part is not willing, there is not much we can do.

About the children, you know, that may be the one blessing I may have just destroyed. In her guilt she at least had enough sense not to have them around the OM. Now that I have filed for divorce, she may very well start attempting to do just that. BUT, then again...I am very open with my children and we have a really close relationship. When they asked why mommy moved away I gently explained to them that another man is friends with your mom and he has convinced her that it is best for her to leave. She made the choice but he had much to do with it. We talk about this guy and they really hate him <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Before ever meeting the guy they have grown to hate him. If she does try and include him into their lives she will meet resistence from them.

They don't really like going over there either. They miss her every so often, but when she is out of sight, she is out of mind. I am going to try really hard to fight for sole custody and give her visitation rights, hopefully every other weekend. In Maryland it pretty much goes to the parent that has them most of the time, and right now, that is me.

I am just SO tired of all this, WMWB, I know you can imagine. But I know in time, all of this would just be an unpleasant memory.

Yeah, I suppose you are right... some day this will all be but a painful memory. Let me ask you a question... now keep in mind that I'm not a thug in anyway. I'm a fairly normal, law abiding, tax paying kind of guy. Middle class, mind my own business type of person for the most part. However, I have this overwhelming feeling that I have a score to settle with the OM. Like even after the D is final, some day down the road... him and I will settle this. It pops into my head every now and then, last night was one of these times. I was thinkning that in 15 years... when my kids are adults and no longer need me to support them, I'll just show up in this guys driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. I don't know, I'm sure this feeling of anger towards him will go away someday, but does this ever happen to you? I mean, don't you just want to run out into the street and tell everyone you come across about him? I actually thought about having 5,000 flyers printed up with his picture and my WW's picture on it, then I would cover every billboard, mail box, windshied in town. Tell everyone exactly what is going on. Maybe just walk up and down the sidewalk out side of his house with a picket sign saying what he has done. I'm just so fed up that I want to cause all sorts of scenes... in public. I tell you, when I saw them at the pizza joint... I really wanted to go in there and just pull up a chair. Maybe stand up on the table next to them and give a toast to my slutty STBXW and her sleaz ball boyfriend. "Here here..." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

On a side note, I just happened to catch teh Garth Brooks song "Friends in Low Places" on the radio last night... how fuin would that be if they got married... crash the wedding and steal the show...

that is too funny! Yes, I have had all of these same thoughts and honestly, I do still think about it. But you know, someone once said to me, and it stung when they said it, that he is only taking what my wife is giving. That stung. Yes, he's a loser. Yes, he cares less about me and the children. But, she's my wife and he's a stranger. She's their mother and he's a stranger. He's only taking what she's giving.

I still hate the guy. I know so much about him (ask Roger how much I know) he really is a loser. And I am sure this guy with your wife is a major loser too. I mean think about it, getting involved with a woman who has a husband and children. There are SO many women in this world who are single, childless, shoot, they may even have a boyfriend. But a married woman with children. These men must think really low of themselves to hitch on to our wives and our wives, well...my wife has her own problems that are just getting worse every day.

But the guy will get his in due time. Any physical pain will only interfere with the mental pain he will experience, in fact, it will probably ease the mental pain. Just let the loser be a loser. Now I would and I do tell everyone I know about them. Oh, I tell it and I tell it proudly. "My wife left us to be with some loser of a man named Randy who is 37 years old and lives at home with his mom. Yeah, he's a kindergarten teacher's aide and has latched on to my wife and my wife has accepted him as her lover. That is why you don't see much of her anymore."

Let the truth be known is my motto <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You know... you are right. And it is a good point. I suppose thus far it has been much easier to project most of the blame to him. To, I suppose, think of her as helplessly swooned away by this evil predator of housewives. But the reality is that you are right... he took what she gave him. I still want to beat the daylights out of him... but she is probably more to blame than him. They deserve each other.

So, you live in Maryland...right? Roger lives in Wisconsin and I live in Minnesota... hmmm, we should all meet in like Cinncinati or something for dinner or drinks some time, eh!?

Sounds like a plan. Putting all this mess behind us and moving onto bigger and better things. It is such a shame things had to turn out like this, but hey, things happen.

I'll talk to Roger about it. I'm not sure exactly when this can happen, money is a little tight with the attorney's hand in my pocket andf all. I just got a $750 bill for last months services... man, I needed a beer after looking at that one. I know Roger is in pretty much the same boat. I'll have to give him a shout.

dead,
IMO telling your kids about how bad the om is, is the wrong way to go. Suppose your x marries the guy and your kids will have to live with this guy you enocuraged them to hate.

While they may drive your x and om apart, what will that do to your kids? Don't you want them to live in a peaceful household if it can't be yours all the time???

I know how you guys feel about the om, I think the only think that kept me from killing my x's om was a guy in our town did in his w who was having an affair and my lawyer was asked to defend the guy. He got the guy off with a life sentence and avoided death penalty.

You need to keep your kids out of the problem as much as possible.

RWD

I'm not going to try and speak for DTIA, but I think his and my situations are somewhat similar in terms of the kids....forgive me if I've missed something and they are not. But you see, as much as keeping the kids out of it is a good idea, the thing is that the kids ARE the problem. If it weren't for the kids, I think the whole "cheating wife, getting divorced" thing would be A LOT easier to sort out and move on from. I have the most grief and regret about what this is doing to the kids. Nevermind the fact that my WW is actually bringing the kids around this guy. I don't have to help them hate this guy... seeing him with their mother is about all it takes. I'm sure you remember how defensive boy's get about their mother...

Besides, kids ask some really tough and blunt questions sometimes. I don't think it does them any good to BS an answer for them. They need a well thought out answer that isn't a lie. I'm not saying they need gorry details, but if you want to preserve a relationship with them later, you can't lie to them. Just my humble opinion, take it for what it is worth.

It took more than a year for me to get over my anger towards OW. He broke my arm when I threatened to call her when he was telling me that she was calling him and it would be rude of him to hang up. One minute after he broke my arm, I called her and said, "If you want to f... some guy, why not choose someone who isn't married with four young children?" I still thought there was no affair going on. Four months and two surgeries later, when I finally called the husband, I said that I call the scar on my arm "The SophiaScar".

Well, it took a lot to face the fact that Sophia wasn't the one who broke my arm, and Sophia wasn't the one who broke wedding vows to me.

RWD, I don't feel it is wrong to tell my children how bad the OM is for many reasons. In fact, knowing how bad he is and keeping this to myself is by far more damaging to them in the long run.
First, they will NOT be forced to live with her if she marries him. They are not forced to live with her now when she is not married to him. In fact, his own child is not forced to live with him, how in the world will my children be forced to live with him?

Secondly, even if for some strange reason they were forced to live with him they need to know who this man is and how he came to be. I do not believe in lying to children just because they are children. Don't get me wrong. I don't condone telling children things that are too much for them at an early age. As parents we need to explain to children the best we can in order for them to understand the situation. I do not want my daughter thinking for one minute that it is okay for mommy to have a friend that daddy does not know, approve of, or that encourages mommy to be away from home. If I remain silent, she will grow up, get married and when she feels like she is not in love with her husband she will do exactly like her mom did. Why? Because the parents never explained to her the source of her hurt when she was a little girl. They never called wrong, wrong. They turned and looked away instead of pointing out what was going on. I tell my daughter right now, at age four, the pain she is feeling, the tears she cry when she longs for mommy is because mommy is involved with someone she should not be invovled with. I tell her his name. I tell her that her pain is coming from a torn family and that it is normal to hurt. I tell her we all hurt. I explain to her what committment is all about. When she gets older she will have a keen sense of what leaving her husband for a quick thrill will do to her family. She will reflect back to the time she wanted mommy and it will make leaving that much more difficult.

As for the man, he is a loser. As my children get older and they start to have friends and date and what have you, do you think I will hold my tongue and not give my opinion on their friends? Not a chance. I will tell them what I know about their friends. And I will tell them what I know about their mother's lover, husband, live-in partner, whatever. They will NOT be forced to live with him and her.

Cherished ... I'm sorry to hear about that again .. I followed your posting when u were under your other screen name ..

D2IA - New name huh? Hows things going? I did call you back but you were not home... thought I'd stop on here and see how things are going .. I think that getting together in the middle somewhere would be Fun .. Do we want to include all our kids or just the guys?

WMWB - hey remember that stopping in front of her lawyers office? LOL I did say something close to what I said I was going to say to her lawyer .. not in such a graphic phrase but close enough that he got the point .. I figured it was off the record and he can't use it in court .. it was fun to see his employees smirk about what I said to him... I know, I know but I couldn't help myself the smug ( insert your own swear word ) was making me mad ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Sorry to hijack the thread here-

L&C- I think that may have been his plan. I wouldn't assume that anything with regards to your wife or her attorney is off the record. He may try to paint you as having an anger problem... "after all, look at how he acted toward me..."

I think it should just be the guys... in the middle of a divorce, I don't think you can take the kids across state lines... at least I know I can't. And I would never be able to get her consent.

DTIA-
Whats new with you? I haven't seen anything new from you on this thread in a week or so... anything to report?

RWD, I don't feel it is wrong to tell my children how bad the OM is for many reasons. In fact, knowing how bad he is and keeping this to myself is by far more damaging to them in the long run.
So you tell the kids he eats crap, is always mean, always hits their mom (or whatever).
Later they are around him and they see NONE of what you have described. Who's the bad guy then? You are because you lied to them.

First, they will NOT be forced to live with her if she marries him.
Depends who gets custody.

They are not forced to live with her now when she is not married to him. In fact, his own child is not forced to live with him, how in the world will my children be forced to live with him?
Divorces, especially with an op involved, can get VERY ugly and just because something is not going on now does not mean it ain't gonna happen later.

Secondly, even if for some strange reason they were forced to live with him they need to know who this man is and how he came to be.
Yes the children should know that he is the op and that it is not right to do that. Keep in mind that he is not breaking any marriage vows though.
And anything you say bad about him will, they will think it applies (rightfully so) to their mom.
You end up looking like you just want everyone to hate your w and the om.

I do not believe in lying to children just because they are children. Don't get me wrong. I don't condone telling children things that are too much for them at an early age.
As it should be. But children are not stupid. They will see what the situation for what it actually is, not for what everyone tells them it is. As I sadi above, if you tell them he does this or that and they do not see it, then you are the one they cannot trust.

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris, I will work from the last statement up to the first.

You said, "As it should be. But children are not stupid. They will see what the situation for what it actually is, not for what everyone tells them it is. As I sadi above, if you tell them he does this or that and they do not see it, then you are the one they cannot trust."

This is not true. There is much that goes on in this world that we never see. That is where trust comes in. My children trust me, believe me and believe in me. If I tell them something, they do not have to "see" it to believe it. They trust me. If I tell them he is an alcoholic and they never see him drink, they will still believe he is an alcoholic. Trust is a beautiful thing.

About me wanting people to hate wife and om. Hmmm. I tell the truth and leave their personal views to be just that, personal. If they hate her and the om for what they did to the family, so be it. Some people may just think its unfortunate and still believe them both to be good people, which I do believe about her by the way. Some people may think there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. His family does. As far as me and my children, we are hurt by her actions. I tell it as it is. I don't add or subtract from what is going on. He is a separate entity from her. And, from what I have noticed, it is easier for them to despise him that it is for them to despise her. Hating a parent does not come easy.

Custody? Anything can happen. Anything. But the odds are against her. 1) I have them 100% of the time and have had them 100% of the time for a month. Will be longer by the time it hits the courts. 2) They live in their birth home 3) My son's teacher recommended he stay with me due to his improved grades and behavior 4) She abandoned us. she left without permission which is legally wrong, not to mention morally 5) She does not WANT custody, she only wants them about 2-3 times a week 6) there is a restraining order on her boyfriend from me and the children.

And lastly, no, I did not or would not ever lie to my children. I know this and they know this. If I tell them he beats mommy, they will believe it. Period. They won't wait to see it happen first before they make a judgement call. They trust daddy. Today, if my mom tells me, "they eat people in Rombauer" I ain't going there. Period. I will not go to see if it's true or not before I believe my mother. Mom said it and that's good enough for me. Faith and trust, a beautiful thing.