I am divorced. Didn't want to be.
In the past year I feel I have lost it all.
I have gone from a family of four to a family of me.
Married for 17 years, to my first and only love.
Then to be abandoned.
Well not abandoned, more like kicked out.
She said she was never happy, she wanted to cut her loses, she wanted freedom, it was her time.
She had been miserable for 17 years, now it was my time to be miserable for the next 17 years.
That I wasn't a good father, that all I was,was a sperm donor. Oh then it became I was abusive for 17 years, I was crazy, I was a danger.
So one day when I went to pick up my children, I got served my walking papers, by the sheriff no less.
It said I couldn't go to my home, I had to leave it, I couldn't get near my wife or call her.
So for the last year, I haven't been able to call her, to ask her why, to try, for the children's sake..........Of course.......there was someone else, no wonder she wanted me not to be near her or I guess near them...........
So after being forced out of my house.....saying she was afraid of me.........of course I guess she was afraid of being found out, and what was really going on.
I know all about the FOG........and how all they can do when they are in an affair is focus on that affair........that when the affair becomes exposed that it usually ends..........
well she chose to get me out, then expose the affair....how often does it happen this way?
So now a year later....I am divorce....the other man (a co-worker of course) is living there with her and my children.........his divorce went fast..mine was slow and agonizing (yes he was married too)
Did I mention she kept a restraining order on me, even renewed it..........him and her drop my children off at my house every morning.....they pick them up at the curb at night.......she can call me whenever she wants (it is always about the kids, very matter of factly conversation)
I have to watch where I go (because remember I am so dangerous), I have to watch not to accidently call her.
How is this good for my children, to see one parent completely act like the other doesn't and never has exsisted.
That at any of their school events that they have to sit far away from each other and not talk to each other.... some co-parenting huh?
Does it seem like she is being a little childish....
And oh yes..I did go to court to get it dropped..
and all that she said in court was that she was afraid of me..No, I haven't called her, I don't go near her house, I don't follow her, I miss her, but that it is it..(of course how could I miss someone who has done this, I don't know, I guess I just believed in family and marriage)
So should I still post..It wasn't supposed to end this way..there was supposed to be some trying, or some missing of each other..Not to just end all of the sudden..

So to post or not to post, that is the question.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Yes, of course you should post.
There are several people here who are divorced, and I'm sure they'll pop up and talk to you soon.
At least being here you can gain understanding and support about what you've been through and what is to come.
Welcome, and I am very sorry.

Bump

rufustfirefly

I haven't had half of the agony as you but I've had some and expect more to come.

Of course you should continue posting here if you want.

Keep in mind, not only have others shared your type of experiences and will be able to give you advice on dealing with different issues, But others will be finding them in your shoes looking for the advice of someone like yourself.

At the very least, this is a place to vent if need be and there is usually someone listening.

I know you've heard it a million times, but you just keep being the best you that you can be. For yourself and your children.

I have first hand experience in watching children grow to respect a BS and loose respect for a WS as they grow and realize that the BS isn't realy as bad as they were led to believe and the WS is just flat out out of her mind.

WIWH

firefly,
Keep posting it will help you heal. I know some of the pain you are feeling. I too was rejected and it does hurt. I fortunately got my kids so see them almost every day. I don't know how I would have survived with out them.

My x too started to say I was dangerous.

Hang in,post here and get counseling for yourself to work thru the all this pain.

Post.

Yes, you are in the right place, but this is not the only place for help.
Your post sounds as if you are depressed. Get counseling to help you through this difficult time. As you heal, you will become a better parent to your children.
This is not the life you planned, but this is your life now, and only you can choose how you are going to life it.
Be miserable or be happy, it's a choice.

Seek counseling, and possible AD's.

I think you should continue to post here if you want. It sounds like you may need a safe place to come and vent.

There are lots of people here who are divorced and continue to come here to vent.

RFF - I know exactly how you feel. Your story is almost exactly like mine. We have not divoced yet but the story you described is how I have imagined things to go for me. I too have been married for 17 years. I am now the dangerous maniac, etc. I cannot offer any advice about what to do next except keep praying for your deliverance and try to make the best of your life now

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rufustfirefly:
<strong> I am divorced. Didn't want to be.
In the past year I feel I have lost it all.
I have gone from a family of four to a family of me...
So to post or not to post, that is the question. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Personally (this is only my opinion) I would!
My story is very similar to yours, and I can say that you have something I didn't - this website where you can post and get excellent help, as well as others who have been down the long dark road you're on right now.
Stay strong. Pray a lot. Seek support from Family, friends, and this website. And keep posting!
God bless,
Harold

Keep posting. I've been praying for you btw..

The house of cards will fall. No mind. Just remember to bolster your side of the battle...What judge in their right mind would allow a woman to shack up in front of their kids? You have a strong case should you want to go there.

Get some help and get strong and then re-assess your situation and go for it.

I know your pain. I've been crushed. It's hard to move on but you have to. Keep the kids at the heart of the matter and do what is best for them. They don't need to see this at all.

it's damaging to see them live around that.

Just focus on you, the kids, and the little things that make you smile each day.

My xh tried to make me look wacky. Really did. Even lied to a counselor and tried to make me look nuts...when the day after he slapped ME TO THE GROUND. I did nothing to deserve it.

One month after he tried to make me look wacky, I was elected state prez of my medical society adn was handed voluntarily "glowing affidavits" about myself, my professional and personal demeanor, my good character, etc..from well respected area physicians and from new counselor who all attested to my unbelievable sanity during all the crud I had lived through and how they couldn't believe how I held it together despite going thru spousal abuse and adultery.

Please start looking inside and see how God can enable you to take charge of some of the day to day things. Reading "Life Strategies" and getting it on tape has helped turn my life around. I now don't sit around and think how life is unfair...I see how to change things from my end. Sure, some things will make you feel horrible and cruddy, but you can do things to lessen it and take back your life. Please start now.

Hugs ok?

firefly - I too was the one that was told that I was crazy, insane. I was called the f*cking b*tch for many many months, and actually a few weeks ago. See the betrayer doesn't see you as a good person. The betrayer sees you with eyes of the devil. I am no longer pretty to my X, I am no longer a wise woman to my X, I am no longer a smart woman to my X. He only sees me as a human with no emotions, no ties, nothing. He has no feelings or concerns towards me, and shows me that he is all right, and that I am the one that is totally 'screwed' up.

Being thrown out, and told they never loved you is hard to deal with. The betrayer, will only see themselves in the right. They see everyone else as being in the wrong.

In my situation, my X did abuse me to having surgery. Does he really have any concern about the pain that I experience everyday, no. No not in his mindframe. His mind is on himself, selfishness, and definitely not on Gods path.

You need to concentrate on yourself, get professional help with a counselor. I did, and still am taking anti-depressants. Will be on anti-depressants for another year. I know that I need help, with my emotional status, and am seeking help. Things are getting easier, and I ask many questions at church for financial help, and other important decisions. I no longer have a spouse to talk to about these things. So I am doing what I feel is right, with help of my church family.

As far as children in divorce. They are the ones that really get hurt deeply. I have 4 children ages 18-25 and they feel the pain almost everyday. Things are not like they used to be, and never will. That is life, and I feel for my children, and feel for their pain. I tell them everyday that I love them very much. I do love them and would give my heart, limb, anything for my children. They were created in my body, and I watched them grow and helped them walk and talk, and be creative. Your children are being held from you. This is not right. And Seems there could be action taken to prove your innocence of being an abusive man.

This is hard and I feel your pain. Us who have empathy and compassion know what you are experiencing. Divorce and betrayal is much more disturbing than death. At least with death, there is an outcome. Divorce, is just years and years of turmoil and pain. That is why counseling is very much needed in this part of your life.

Take and post here, and there are plenty of good people, honest people here that will help you with your emotions.

Thanks for your responses

Faith for me........ I do get to see my kids everyday.. almost anyway.. my ex wife seems to have made this divorce seem like no big deal to my kids 6-10. They get dropped off at my home, and I take them to school, I pick them up after school, and have them till my ex gets off work, and then she comes by with her boyfriend and my kids go out to her car and leave........
You see the hard thing is, I was with this woman all of my adult life, I loved her, I still do, I pinch myself each day as what has become of my life over the last year, hoping to wake up in my own (old home) with my family intact..
The only time I don't have my kids is between the hours of 6 pm and 7 am during the week, but those hours from 6 pm to 7 am I feel the life drop out of me, not being able to have the home life I have had since 1985, You see in 1989 I move out west with her to be by her family, that is all I have known for 15 years, her and her family, now I am completely alone except for my kids.......
Another thing I am having trouble with..is this other man..here is someone..that moved in on, and in with my family..replaced me so easily..
I raised my children since they were babies, and now here is man no children of his own taking over, fit nicely into the spot that was mine.
Your comments on how the betrayer only sees you in a completely negative and uncaring light is so true..I mean all the things we went thru together (childbirths, sicknesses, vacations, doctor visits,) are so easily swept as if they never happened, (sorry for the rambling,
Your right this seems like something that will never end. Will I ever find happiness again?
Help me see into her mind..Is it common for the betrayer to want to destroy the other person to villify them, does she do this for her own satisfaction or does she do this to impress the boyfriend?