Dear Forum,
I don't even know where to begin honestly. I am extremely young. Got married at 19, now 21. Been married for 13 1/2 months.
I am married to a truly incredible man -- a man who does an incredible job of demonstrating Christ's love for me. He's awesome.
but, what a challenging year it's been. I don't think I had unrealistic expectations of marriage, but, at the same time, I had no clue what this year would hold for me/us.
My husband is 9 years older than me and when we married had both credit card debt and school debt (loans for his college), as well as the typical car loan. All frustrating things for me, as I consider myself an extreme tightwad with a savings account!! With very little debt, and certainly no credit card debt!! Blah. Where am I going with this. I just get frustrated with his spending (not excessive, but not very thifty) considering we are trying to get out of debt. How can I help him understand the value of a dollar? Or the value of becoming debt free??
Anyway, in addition to all the money stuff, which seems to be plaguing our lives and stressing me out (though, I know I should trust God and just do the best I can).
This year in April, his dad (my father-in-law) was diagnosed with lung cancer. so for six months or so we spent a lot of time with him (praise God) and in November he passed away at 51 years of age. How can I be a support to a spouse who has lost a parent? Perhaps, some of you older members can address this one. I mean, I feel like we (at our ages) should be losing our grandparents, not our parents! Please tell me how I can help him to grieve.
Also, his father left a 15-year-old son and a wife of 21 years (my husband's stepmother) and I/we are trying to figure out the balance of helping out with parenting of my brother-in-law, and taking care of my stepmother-in-law (not financially, praise God, but helping to make decisions about housing, and parenting, and money investments, etc.) She has asked for our help, but sometimes it's hard to know when to help/ when not to, and when to just be a young newly married couple having fun.
Anyway, in addition to this, our sex life sucks. Well, maybe I shouldn't put it that way. Due to many nights spent at the hospital, many nights spent at his father's prior to his death, excessive exhaustion of trying to fit school and work in around all this, not to mention the emotional stress on my husband, we did not have sex very often after the first four months or so of marriage. And now, without all those factors, I haven't really had a desire to. And I can't determine if it is because of past sinful sexual experiences, the multiple affairs my father had growing up that ultimately ended my parents' marriage, or just a habit that we've grown into over the past 8-9 months due to extenuating circumstances.
Whew . . . sorry so long, but it felt good to write these things down, tear up, etc.
Thanks for any advice on any of the above issues.<p>Encouragement

Wow, you've had a lot to deal with in such a short amount of time. First, I am sorry for your problems.<p>As for agreeing on spending money, spending time helping with his family, etc. I guess I'd say that there is no right or wrong as to how much, the key is simply to communicate openly and honestly about the issues. Don't act without your spouses agreement. I'd suggest that if you have not, read the Basic Concepts and Policy of Joint Agreement on this site (hit the "Concepts" link at the top of the page).<p>As for grieving, I've not been thru losing a parent with my H, but we lost a child at birth. I think the best thing you can do is simply be there and offer support. "Support" means different things for different people though...I know that men and women do grieve a little differently. While women tend to talk a great deal about the loss, many men do not. If your H is one of those, just spending time with you may be all he wants. He will likely be a bit more irritable and distracted, your understanding there helps as well. Oh, and it may seem odd, but men often feel a need for more sex when grieving or depressed...I know my H did, and it really puzzled me, as my sex drive after losing a child was zilch for a while.<p>I'm sure that under all the stress you guys have been under, sex is not the first thing on your mind. But, if he is not too stressed and remains interested, it truly is great "emotional glue".<p>Good thread on the SF subject from male and female POVs...<p>www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=000809<p>Good luck--<p>Kathi<p>[ January 27, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>