HOw many of you feel like chucking the whole thing in of where you live, your life and your relationship with your X and just moving away, from it all. I went on vacation, and did some searching and talking, and my mind is reeling on avenues of different routes.

I am an older woman, and my life doesn't have a real plan. Since I was abused by my X, and still on medical, I really don't have a secure plan. Kind of late in life, where he is secure the rest of his life. Has a really good income of about 80K and I get my 15K from him a year. Can't work as yet, cause possible surgery in very near future. So I did some searching, and talking with my friends in this state, and they directed me to other routes to search with.

I feel like there is no real path out there for me. I feel like I am a lost person, that has been cast on the side of the road, and just don't know where to go. I am going to school, but have many many credits to get before I can even get into any kind of program. Who is going to want a 50 plus woman, and nothing to show.

Women, do you ever feel this way, just not sure what in the world to do? I prayed so much during my vacation. I even had my cousin praying, and she doesn't even go to church regular.

Been thinking about information I found, and been thinking of just pulling up the stakes and getting out of here. Maybe it is a phase, I really am not sure.

Faith,

I have thought about the same type of thing. Just dropping everything and starting fresh in another place in another life. Get away from everything and everyone that is associated to the life that I don't have anymore.

Thought about moving near my sister in NC or parents in FL or just somewher off on my own. If it wasn't for my 4 DD's I probably would.

During my H's A after he broke my arm, he treated me just terribly and I remember thinking, "Not even Ted Bundy deserves to be treated this way."

There was this tiny bit of self-respect for me due to human dignity and nothing more.

Your XH doesn't seem willing to leave you alone for some reason. It strikes me as a tremendous sign of self-respect that you would up and move. It requires effort and hope and a sense that there is something out there for you if you move. PLUS, doing the research could be enjoyable. You'd have to ask yourself a lot of questions about what you want for the rest of your life. You no longer have to ask yourself what you can tolerate in your life but only what you want. Sure there are constraints due to your medical condition, your finances, your education... But there is no abuse.

F4M, I was in your shoes 5 1/2 years ago, in Alaska. Except that I was not receiving anything from my X, only Disability from US Government.
She continued to be abusive (verbally) and I was so fed up with it, as she was NOT going to change, but continued blaming it all on me.
Guess what?
I packed it up and moved 2,534 miles to the South... to Texas! She's still up there - brainwashing our 2 sons... some things just don't change!
Things are soooooooooo much better now!
I never looked back.
Just my experience,
Harold

Hi Faith-

I say if you have nothing holding you to where you are , but your X, go for it. You say you are older, but that is a state of mind. You have the rest of your life to live. Why not go where you can be happy? You may find the change just what you need to get your fresh start!

Take care and God bless!
K

This is something personal and for you to decide and it's not up for us to decide for you..

What i do know is your x reads here and posts here so he's reading your thoughts again...again..

I like Dr. Phil's quote...Pray, pray like mad but keep rowing for the shore. In other words, prayer heals and is good, but we've got to use the brains and talents given to us or we're outta luck and opportunity.

Only you can decide this. I suggest you do so in a personal way and don't post your choices here as he's lurking and unles you want your actions used against you.

Yes Peachy, I know he reads my posts everyday, except for when I went on vacation this past week, cause I didn't post, was too busy, having fun.

Just something that has been prying on my shoulders, and I did talk to my cousin, that I went with. She is a very young widow of 56. Her husband just passed away in November 2003.

Also, talked to other people out there. My cousin and I separated a few times on vacation, so she could do her thing and I could do mine. I had help with friends out there, and had the opportunity of being taken to places to do some research and find opportunities.

The only thing that is really holding me here, is my children. They will be leaving shortly, and my mother is here, and my MIL. I do have quite a bit of my family here, and I love my family.

Just wondering if others felt the same way, and how they dealt with these feelings.

I do not wish to expose anymore information here than I need to. Just like Peachy and others have said, my X reads here, posts regularly here. And reads what I have to say. I know he really doesn't care what happens to me. Part of the divorce. He wanted the divorce he got it and he is happy with his life. And he has stated to me many times, that I am nothing to him. And that I no longer am family to him.

Well, I do know that quite a bit of his family will always consider me family. And my MIL will always love me like a daughter. I the same to her.

Just wondering if these feelings are normal. I haven't seen my counselor for 3 weeks, because of severe family issues with her family. So I will see her this week. Will talk to her about some of the things that I have been going through emotionally.

Vacation was very good. Had a great time, and dined with prayers. My cousin, seemed to enjoy my talk of God, and was surprising, that she has the book that we used at church. I talked about the book, and how we used it in bible class. Gave me the idea of rereading the book. I looked out after her, for she is grieving deeply for her husband she loved dearly. I am a caregiver, and have deep empathy towards others.

Thanks for your responses. Guess this is a normal reaction. Just wondering if I was going insane or something of that psychological avenue. My dreams are different too. I do dream, and can remember quite a few of my dreams. So that was something else that kind of alerted me to not quite sure what is going on.

Hopefully, one day I will beable to have a normal day, normal dream night, and be in someones arms at night that loves me for whom I am. And if not, be in Gods arms in heaven. Now that path, I know for sure. God loves me for whom I am.

Thanks, a lot of thinking went into this vacation.