Hi there. This is my very first post.

Here is some background:

My husband and I met 2 1/2 years ago. We got engaged 7 months after we met and married 8 months later.

I have one child (age 5) from a previous relationship, but his father has never been around.

He has two children (ages 9 and 12) from a previous relationship. He still has tons of remaining guilt from his last marriage.

We started to have problems pretty much the minute I moved in (we didn't live together first). He would do things for his ex-wife that I found wholly inappropriate and she was doing things that I also found in appropriate.

For example of something HE would do: he would pick up their family dog when they were on vacation and deliver the dog to his ex-wife's home so the kids would have their dog when they got home.

For an example of something SHE would do: She would just walk into our home without knocking and/or calling.

We worked on those issues in counseling, but from what I've been reading at this website, he's a BIG TIME TAKER and he does so many independent behaviors, it's just plain ridiculous.

Anyway, three weeks ago was the deal-breaker for me: I had a special surprise valentine's day trip planned for us (we RARELY get time together). What happened was that his Disneyland Dad personality reared its ugly. He hadn't gotten paid yet and it was his kids' birthday. We had a small gathering with both our families for the kids (they were born three years and two days apart).

The following weekend, the kids wanted to have a bowling party AND a slumber party (yes, THREE parties for them, not to mention the TWO from their mother's family) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and he asked if I had any money.

Of course I had told him about the trip and the fact that I paid off a credit card so we could go and then he BEGS me for the money and that he would pay me back that following monday (we have separate accounts because of his child support obligations and the fact that he is self-employed).

Well, that Monday came and went and no money and no trip.

I moved out.

The problem is this (sorry this is getting so long): I don't feel much for him right now. The love bank is WAY OVERDRAWN. Sometimes I think, "hey, he never physically hurt me or was emotionally abusive" but then I think that I'm not getting any of my needs met.

There is, of course, way more to the story, but this is where I will start.

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: SecondWife ]</small>

ok--here goes....

her coming in without knocking---unacceptable.
simple answer---lock the da** door!

him getting the dog for the kids---i think thats ok. may be unacceptable for you right now because your upset about other stuff.

the bit about parties--too many--been there done that. BOUNDRIES BOUNDRIES BOUNDRIES!!

SO WHATS THE REST OF THE STORY.........

We did have boundaries in place. It was the boundaries in the marriage that I neglected to set.

We pretty much live separate lives. He doesn't feel that he needs to let me know when plans with the kids change. It's really nice to come home to a house full of kids and I had no idea they were there.

Being a stepmother is a thankless job. I have no control over children in my own home. Sure, I can tell them, "hey, knock it off" or whatever, but in general, I have no say so in their upbringing.

I'm basically tired of not feeling like our marriage is important. I think he's selfish. He doesn't feel the need to speak to me when he makes a FIVE HUNDRED dollar purchase.

I don't want to make him out to be the bad guy, so I will tell you that I can be a controlling person when I want to be. I'm a perfectionist (which I'm working on) and I take Wellbutrin just to cope with the secondwife/steplife stuff.

We have been separated for over three weeks now. I just don't miss him or the headaches. I love his children, but I don't love it when we are all together because I just can't take his constant "yes" to everything, no matter what the cost.

is this all totally different from when you were dating or did you think all would be wine and roses in marriage. By the way i am qualified---im in a second marriage and do the balancing act also.

your reply is telling...you neglected to set boundries in the marriage.? isnt that something you should do together?

it seems like way more is going on here?? wanna fillin more of the blanks?

Hi. I too am a second wife with my kids and step kids so I also understand the adjustments. For us I think the first year was the hardest. In that year the boundaries were set and everybody knew what was expected of them. Nikko is right, there is more too it that you haven't mentioned. For us, my kids live with us and my step kids live with their mom but spend a lot of time with us. The home we have belongs to my husband and I...BOTH. That means we both have say as to what goes on there. In regards to his children...he does not discuss every issue with me but if it's larger and affects me (switching weekends etc..) we discuss it. If either one of us is upset about something it's also discussed immediately before it gets out of hand. I guess what I'm saying is that you both need to communicate and respect each other. You need to respect each other first before you can respect each other's children. As for the ex...I also agree with Nikki...the dog thing isn't out of line. He did it for the kids, not the ex. Walking into your home is not acceptable.