Hello everyone!

I'm a new member. I've been reading everyone's posts for awhile, and I'm really impressed with the excellent advice given.

My situation goes like this:

I've been with 'him' for 11 years. We've been married for 7. He has been physically, mentally, verbally & emotionally abusing since day one. We've had good days like everyone, but only a few in the loooong time that we've been together. He hasn't hit me in almost a year, but the rest of the abuse has gotten worse.
The worst thing about him is the way he makes me feel guilty. EVERYTHING is my fault. He's very mean & controlling, and as soon as I put my foot down, he sucks up like a baby. We go thru major cycles that leave me depressed & feeling guilty.

He doesn't work and is totally capable of doing so. Every time that I mention to him that he needs to get a job, he yells and says to get off his back. Get this, he controls all of my income & wants to stay home all the time to control the mail & the house. I don't get it. In seven years, he's worked 1.5 years. He did go to college for a year, too.

Anyway, I want a divorce. My problem is, everytime I try to get a divorce he sucks up. He reminds me of all the sweet times and calls me baby, etc. He cries A LOT. He sicks his mother on me, who thinks I'm a terrible person for wanting out. Of course, she's been with my father-in-law for 40 years and they hate eachother. BOTH of them talk to eachother the way that my husband talks to me.

I really want out. I want to just disappear. I can't live like this anymore. I can't even breath w/out him questioning my motives and telling me what I'm thinking. He accuses me of liking everyone and being a whore. I'm so confused.

I feel he is a desperate & crazy man and if I tell him to leave, and be firm with it that he may kill me & then himself.

PS We have no kids together, just a 12-year-old from my ex.

Thank you!

Get this, he controls all of my income

Can you see how you could be allowing this to continue by not putting an end to it? Same with your being abused - you almost end it but never follow though. Please read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud/Townsend and/or "Boundaries in Marriage". You may be able to work this out with lots of effort on both your parts. Remember, you do have good times so you have something to build on.

I am concerned when I see:

just a 12-year-old from my ex

To me this is sad. The word "just" totally minimizes the importance of the traumatic effects this abusive relationship is undoubtedly having on your 12 year old son or daughter. I hope you didn't mean for it to sound like that...Does this child live with you or your ex?

Getting a counselor to help you through this process would be the best if you can afford it. Hopefully your husband is willing to do what it takes to end the abusive behaviors entirely. It sounds as though he displays remorse openly....I don't know if that's good or bad, I'm not a professional...but it seems somewhat good.

This next part is something only you may know for sure and it is VERY serious:

feel he is a desperate & crazy man and if I tell him to leave, and be firm with it that he may kill me & then himself

If you feel this is truly a possibility, I really would urge you to seek a professional's help immediately. Not being able to work and support your family will surely cause a lot of stress as would living with a person you think might actually kill you.

Be safe. Good Luck.

I went through a very similar experience. The final wake up call for me was reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Diane Evans. What an eye opener to the cycle I was trapped in! She gave me the courage to do what I needed to do and end the abuse. I also recommend finding the number for Crisis Intervention or a domestic abuse shelter in your area and talking to the counselors there.....they will help you and your son get out safely. You are not responsible for anything your husband may do to himself.

You are very fortunate to be working out of the house.....my ex controlled me by not allowing me to have a job.

Feel free to email me if you want to talk, annavon2002@yahoo.com

Thank you so much for the advice. The comment 'just a 12-year-old' just meant that we have one child and he's my son from my 1st marriage. The 'just' made it sound bad, sorry 'bout that. I love my son more than anyone and feel that he's learning some bad habits from my husband.

Thank you again!!! I appreciate the advice greatly!

I want to thank you as well for the advice. I appreciate it! Also, thank you for the email address. I'll email you!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is from a web site that kept me sane (of course along with Marriage Builders! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I've talked to thousands of people going through divorce. One thing I've learned is how easy it is for someone who's being abused to begin to believe that it's normal, that this is supposed to be the way it is. Even if your spouse is not physically violent with you, he or she may be abusing you, and you deserve better.

You're a real person. You're special. You don't have to put up with abuse. So with that in mind,

Let's get this straight: It's not normal or okay for you to shove me, or hit me, or kick me, or even act like you're about to. It's abuse.
Let's get this straight: It's not normal or okay for you to criticize me in front of our friends, our kids, or other members of your family or mine. It's abuse.
Let's get this straight: It's not normal or okay for you to keep me in the dark about how much money you make, how much money we have, or how much debt we owe. It's abuse.
Let's get this straight: It's not normal or okay for you to call me a liar when you know and I know that I'm much more truthful than you. It's abuse.
Let's get this straight: It's not normal or okay for you to disappear when I'm sick or when I need you the most. It's abuse.
Let's get this straight: It's not normal or okay for you to be nice to me only when you want sex. It's abuse.
Let's get this straight: It's not normal or okay for you to start a screaming tantrum (or storm out of the room and refuse to talk to me) when I say something you disagree with, or when something doesn't go your way. It's abuse.
Let's get this straight: It's not normal or okay for you to call me an idiot, a fool, or a *****. Or stupid. Or ignorant. It's abuse.
Let's get this straight: It's not normal or okay for you to ration money to me like I'm a child who can't be trusted, yet spend money with abandon for your own toys. It's abuse.
Let's get this straight: It's not normal or okay for you to disappear any time you want to with your friends (no matter which gender). It's abuse.
And one other thing: when you tell me that the thing that's the matter with you is me, you're wrong. You're responsible for who you are and what you put up with. I'm responsible for who I am and what I put up with. I can choose to stop putting up with abuse.
There's a book that I'm recommending now for all my female clients who have been living with an abusive man. It's from Ashton Applewhite, Cutting Loose, and you can click here to read more about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Diane Evans. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The author is PATRICIA EVANS -- she also wrote a second book after this one -- fabulous...fabulous...fabulous!

oops, sorry.......it is Patricia Evans. Too much stuff crammed into my brain these days!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Anna.... no problem! been there myself! Patricia Evans has a second one to that -- talks about those women that had the courage to leave and how they look back on what was. Very interesting reading!

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out; On relationship and recovery
by Patricia Evans

Guess I should have posted the name above! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />