This is the first time I've done this (I don't even know if this is the right forum for this) and I just began reading Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an affair" so I may be premature in what I'm asking but, quite honestly, am at my breaking point.

I cheated on my ex-wife (geez, its even tough to type) in Nov 03. We were divorced Jan 7, 04. She offered me a chance to "possibily" reconcile but it would mean. among other things, turing down a possible job offer in another state (I had decided to leave once she made her divorce intentions clear). I told her I needed some time to think about it and she informed me I had plently of time (seperated in Aug 03) to think about what I wanted and needed an answer then. My pride got the better of me and now I'm divorced from the only woman I've ever truely loved. 2 weeks after the divorce, I got the job offer and turned it down, wanted to restore our releationship. I called her that day from the state I was in, drove through the night to get back to her and she said she was willing to "explore the possibility but was making no gaurentees". That was 2 months ago and she is still in the middle of the road. Her father passed away during this time so I know that is also something she has to deal with but when she needed someone to help her with that, she called me and I was there.

I still try and talk to her about us, she says I'm pushing. We spend 2-4 hours a week together and though she says she doesn't have any time for herself, always seems to plan things to do with everyone but me. I have to take the scraps when she has nothing to do. I am beginnig to feel selfish and am trying to love her unselfishly but the pain is terrible. I've never felt anything like it.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm lost and the pain in almost unbearable.

Stop trying to "talk about us." It's counterproductive to your long-term goal. Let her be the next person to bring up "us."

Find things beside her to fill up your time as well. Activities that are almost all men. With a sullied track record you can't afford to be seen going into an Indigo Girls concert, or singles bars.

I know you're hurting. But try to keep in mind that she is/was hurting as much as you. Maybe more. She may be giving you the leftovers of her time now, but while you were involved with someone else, your wife probably got the leftovers of your time at least in the begining.

So, figure this is cross to bear in order to prove she's really the only one you want. You're willing to go cold, hungry and lonely to get her back. And you're willing to wait a reasonable amount of time.

Do you know if there's a "sauce for the goose" affair going on? It sometimes happens.

Hey GG, I love the Indigo Girls. Are you commenting that there's lots of single ladies at their concerts? maybe I should follow them around from city to city...If only they'd tour with Sarah again.

LMAO

Sorry for the comical post...

BP, I think there are lots of women. Although, according to hearsay, many of the women aren't interested by the XY chromosomed.

Thanks for the comments GG. I've asked about the "sauce" issue and she swears that nothing has happened nor does she have any feelings to do that. She tells me she can not even think of another man touching her. We've done... you know... since the A and since the D (not as often as usual, but still done it) but nothing in the last couple of weeks which I actually take as a good sign since she says she doesn't want to do it anymore since we're not married (I take it to mean she wants to be married if we do it again). The last couple of times were tough because of her reactions but that's a different story that I'm not ready to share with the world!

Again, thanks for the words. I was having a tough time the night I wrote this and things have gotten a little better (saw my counselor this week too!). I'm reading more posts and that helps to and see your name from time to time and you seem to be pretty good at this!