I am new here. My husband and I are trying to work on our marriage and says that he doesn't love me anymore except as my son's mother. He says that for the 10 years we have been married he has been acting out the marriage for about 5-7 of them. He tells me this because of these reasons:
When he would try to talk to me I would get defensive and yell or get angry.
I didn't say "I love you" enough.
I didn't show affection or wanting.
He grew apart and he isn't sure if he wants this but wants what we struggled to achieve all these years married.

My problem is this. He says he needs time. I am giving the time and whatever else he wants. I am trying to do everything I can to make up for the loss that he feels. I am breaking myself in two and not getting a response that is graspable. He says it has only been 12 days and that the things I do is appreciated but that it helps a "little". Then he says he feels nothing.

I am confused and don't know how much time to give. I love him unconditionally and didn't come from a loving home to know what to give a partner. I am so lost, scared and confused I need help and support. He agreed to go to a counselor but it isn't until Monday and he doesn't want me to go with him. He says that "he's going to the counselor that should tell me he is working on this", but it doesn't. He shows no feeling, no emotion. He is so cold and though we share the same bed and he seems to like the advances he gives nothing back in return.
I want to save my marriage but feel it is so far gone and he is so resistant that time won't heal. How much time do I give?

R-To answer you tag line, unfortunately, as long as it takes.

Take it from me the best thing you can do now is give him his space. Please find something you can occupy yourself with.

I have felt the same way about my immediate family life and the handicap of not knowing how to express love to another person.

One thing you can do for yourself is to continue to do things for him and set your mind to the fact that he will not be receptive to what you are doing for a long time. If you learn to accept this hard fact you will not be as frustrated. Also do your best not to be so available to him. Go out with friends or family, stuff that does not cost much like window shopping.

Good luck and read a lot on these boards. You will find a lot of people here dealing with the same issues and emotions.

Sounds to me that he's taking his space whether you like it or not. Counselling is not a bad thing -- in fact, with the right person you can learn incredible things about yourself.

I remember my DivorceCare class -- one of the most important things I learned was that I am not a patient person. Sometimes patience is what I had to learn in order to be where I was meant to be.

Get yourself some counselling so that you can talk about your feelings and plan how you want to be in YOUR life. It's not so much about twisting yourself into a pretzel to be attractive to your partner, but it's coming to a solution that works for both of you. Doing things for someone just so that they pay attention to you is just plain wrong. I'm not saying being rude, but if you *want* to do something, do it because it comes from the heart and not because you feel it's going to give you some points.

Learn about yourself. Do as much as you can learning about the things that he is missing in his life. Read the website here on marriage building and work on your own self-esteem. Men love women who are self-confident with themselves.

Hi Robyn,
I dont know, it sounds like he took years of time doing 'nothing' and now he wants more time? He could have stopped the boat at any point and said he needed help, but he waits till it's too late?

Sorry, I'm NOT a patient person. Would he consider MC? Does he agree he wants to get the two of you back together? If so, can you two do the HN/HN and LB questionaires? That may get the ball rolling. Do you know what he considers LB's, and are your avoiding them?
Marriage Builders Questionaires

You should be doing a good plan A, are you familiar? Plan A

have you read these:But you promised...

Telling your spouse 'we have a problem' (get your H to read this one)

Creating a Plan

Give him the time he needs, but YOU have no time to waste! Read all you can and start Plan A! I wish you the best luck - Dru

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Update:
Thank you to everyone who replied. I have been told as well by my counselor to give it time. The interesting thing is that it feels like no matter what amount of time I give he is still leaving. "I'm trying but I don't want to hold your hand or reach out to you or tell you I love you then 2 weeks, 2 months, 3 years down the road and it is the same. There is no feeling". I've been struggling with this all night. How the hell am I suppose to feel I asked him? I told him it hurts when he says things like that. Know what he told me? "It wasn't my intention to hurt you." Well is that suppose to make me feel better? IT doesn't. I try and try and have to keep doing but don't want to give up and already he seems to have given up. Isn't sure how the changes are going in me, appreciates that I try but then will say something like "well you would have responded like..." Yes would have but am not now.

I don't know what to do now.