My wife of 7 years filed for divorce a week ago. She steadfastly
maintained the ONLY REASON she was filing was to protect herself and
her assets from fallout due to my current financial and IRS problems
that have developed over the last couple of years due to a combination
of bad business decisions and the currently brutal economic climate.

It is a second marriage for both of us and throughout we very careful
to keep our finances, taxes, etc. separate.

I have battled, mostly succesfully, sometimes not, clinical depression
for approximately 12 years. I went to great lengths to hide my
depression from her because I knew she would view it as a weakness
instead of the debilitating illness it is. To be honest, I now
believe I allowed the depression to be somewhat of a "crutch" to avoid
making tough business/personal decisions that eventually impacted my
business to the point of bankruptcy. In short, my work ethic went to
hell and I buried myself in fishing (we live on a lake) rationalizing
that "You can't fish and worry at the same time".

We are both in our late 50's. She is a very conservative and
organized Elementary School Principal/part time College Professor and
I have always been somewhat of a "bull in a china shop" entrepreneur
(sales/marketing).

We both come from very strict fundamentalist "Born Again" Christian
backgrounds. When reminded of the scripture dictates on divorce, she
responds, "I don't care". Yet, she professes to be and presumably
will remain a Spirit Filled Committed Born Again Christian after the
divorce.

We have been going to counseling/therapy for about a month now. I
like and respect the counselor and am sure she is properly
credentialed and competent.

I moved out of our (her) home Feb 7th this year. She had told me
January 1 '04 that she could no longer put up with my complacent and
lazy lifestyle and wanted a divorce. I was emotionally devasted
because I do love and respect her very much. I continued to live with
her and believe that I completely revamped my lifestyle and my
attitude. In fact, I maintain that as a result of her desire for a
divorce I became "Born Again", not in the Spiritual sense, but rather
as a man, human being, and as a husband.

All to no avail. The evening of Feb 7th she told me she no longer
loved me enough to stay married. I left immediately, but made
arrangements to come back the next day to pick up some clothes and
other necessaries.

On my arrival the next day, I could sense something was "different".
When questioned, she said she wanted for us to stay separated, but
would go to counseling/therapy with me and that we could continue to
"date", go to church together, and even spend weekends together. The
"opportunity" brought tears to my eyes.

For the last month we have spent every weekend, and even a few
weekdays together and if you saw us together, you'd swear we were the
"perfect couple".

To reiterate, I do love her very much and miss her terribly when we're
apart. To ally any suspicions the reader might have, I'm convinced
that she has not/is not cheating on me and is not remotely interested
in any other man. I/we have never been verbally or physically abusive
to each other and share many common interests and philosophies.

During this separation she has buried herself in her career(s), but
still finds time to communicate with and spend time with me. She has
told the counselor that I am an excellent "companion" and that I treat
her better than any man she has ever met.

She is honest and truthful to a fault. Just as I was beginning to
believe that we would again feel the "Magic" of our early years, after
our counseling session last night, over coffee, she told me that she
has made up her mind that we will never again live together, but that
we could continue in our present "arrangement" forever (i.e., dating,
church, lovemaking, etc.)

The pain and confusion are overwhelming. Despite the Lexapro I am at
times consumed with depression and my mind goes down dark alleys with
no light at the end of the tunnel.

I want my life and my wife back and am willing to do everything
possible and rational to that end.

Any replies/advice will be deeply appreciated. Thanks, Jim

Jim, I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ve suffered off and on from depression since I was 8. I understand. Oh, boy! can I see myself fishing my problems away. Since I have almost 20 years experience to your 12, I most often can stave it off before it destroys my life. So you have my understanding.

Now for the light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t sound like there’s another man involved. That’s great news. You won’t even realize how great the news is. If you read this site you’ll realize that even the most devoutly spiritual people can and do have affairs. And their faith is real.

And the other ray of light is that she’s willing to see you and talk to you. So, right now she doesn’t feel enough romantic love for you. But it’s a feeling. It can change.

So hang in there. Read up here. Fill her emotional needs as best you can. Get your life organized a little bit at a time. Fix the IRS situation. I assume they’re actively working with you? And that you have a tax lawyer?

Build little routines into your life so that you don’t have to think and make decisions. Like do I do the dishes now, or sort the mail? Those kinds of decisions can eat you up, especially if you are suffering from depression, the decision-making killer.


Are you exercising? If not, add that in immediately and use the endorphin rush as a tool to get things done. Exercise is as effective as anti-depressants.

You can do this. It’s not as bad as the depression makes it seem.

HI Gws,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For the last month we have spent every weekend, and even a few weekdays together and if you saw us together, you'd swear we were the
"perfect couple </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What happened a week ago that made her decide to file? It sounds like you were getting along...

Your wife viewed you as 'lazy' for many years, she will need to see continued improvement over a good amount of time. You know she fears you are doing this just for her, and will probably revert back when comfortable. Be as strong as you can in front of her.

Be active away from her too, she needs to see that your have an active life when she isnt there. Please take care - Dru

She filed because my financial and IRS problems were becoming "urgent". I really do accept and believe she filed at this time because she really believed she had no other recourse or means of protecting herself financially from the inevitable fallout of my bankruptcy and tax problems.

I have since consulted with and retained a competent Tax/Bankruptcy firm and am confident with their guidance and help I'll be able to put these financial woes behind me soon.

However, it has became obvious that her motives were not totally money related, but that the financial problems created the urgency for filing at this time. I think that if it hadn't been for the urgency created by my financial situation, that we could probably have had a "heart to heart" and worked out our problems with counseling/therapy and perhaps a brief separation.

The true issue here is the message/image I sent to her as I "fiddled (fished) while Rome burned"! Yes, I used my failing business and deepening financial crisis as an excuse to lapse into a ever darker depression that lasted for almost 2 years! Hindsight being 20/20, I wish to God that she had confronted me 2 years ago and told me to either get my worthless [censored] in gear or TO GET OUT!

No, instead I spent 2 years convincing her I was a complacent, lazy, unrepentant, parasitic bum who would forever just use her as an unappreciated meal ticket. So, you see, I left her no choice except to do what she finally did.

Did I learn a lesson? I'm betting my life on it!

No matter the outcome of this mess I've made, I'LL ALWAYS LOVE & RESPECT HER and as far as I'm concerned she's the most kind, thoughtful, generous, and considerate human being I've ever known, and, if given the opportunity I'll spend the rest of my life proving to her that I AM NOW THE MAN SHE THOUGHT SHE MARRIED SEVEN YEARS AGO!
I miss her so much!
Thanks for your concern......Jim

There is an option to divorce/ separation if it's ONLY because she wants to protect herself, financially/legally- create a postnuptial agreement. If created properly- each with your own lawyer then you can put in writing that your debt is YOUR debt, etc.

The other posts above are right on. Focusing on yourself...after this "wake-up call" is the best thing for you and for your relationship.

I'll try to bring you up to date as best I can. Last I remember I was venting about the counselor being an incompetent ball buster.
You cautioned me against trying to communicate with the counselor while I was in North Carolina. Apparently I didn't make it clear in my post that my last words to her were, "Sure, I'll schedule a session in 2 weeks if you'll call ahead, make an appointment, and PAY YOUR OWN AIRFARE"! (The counselor is in Ft. Wayne, Indiana)

That said, I haven't a clue how I've made it through these past few days. WOW! I wouldn't have believed the human psyche could endure such pain! Yesterday (Thursday) was truly my day from Hell. It's just a fog in my memory (thank God!); I was positive I had either had, was having, or was going to have some sort of complete mental breakdown.

I don't know that I can do this madness justice with just a keyboard, but I'll try.

To reiterate, I still love & respect my wife and am sure I always will. The hell of it is, I'm sure she loves and respects me as well.
There's some stuff going on in her head that probably only God could understand. I'm also sure she is being influenced/leveraged by an outside source(s), probably her children as well.

Believe me when I say, Armand, that I've done almost as much research on this woman as Bush has on Saddam. I desperately wanted a reason to turn my pain into anger and was sure that, given the alleged parameters of her "reason" for this divorce, I was sure that with enough digging, I'd find the "Scarlet Letter".

So, God forgive me, while at the (her) house Tueday picking up some of my stuff, I got into her hard drive, pulled up every reference to "Jim" or "Divorce" and read 'em all. I know.......that proves I'm a masochist, right?

Damndest thing, Armand, sure there were tons of emails referencing our separation/divorce (to her attorney, children, friends, etc., etc.), BUT NOT ONE WORD THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS FALSE, BITTER, VENGEFUL, INSINCERE, OR UNFAITHFUL!!!
In fact, every bit of the information contained therein validated what she'd told me in every way. I was stunned and shamed at the same time. Despite her attorney's objections, she insisted on a property/cash settlement that was WAY MORE THAN FAIR!

So, with that info, why was yesterday such a day from Hell? Wait, the stupidity isn't over.......after reading all the emails, I then did a search for "Dating".......well, I'll be damned, why is Match.com on my wife's computer? After all, didn't she contend that she loved me, had never cheated and furthermore wasn't even interested in thinking about men ever again? Voila'.......I now had the proof I need to get pissed. Vengeance is mine, sayeth Jim!

The Match.com hard drive entry was pretty much gibberish, but after careful analyzation it appeared that she was registered, described herself in typical internet matchmaking style, and was looking for sensitive, caring, SUCCESSFUL men to respond.

The "Plan" was then hatched! I was going to teach this lying, cheating, little ***** the lesson of her life! Dumping me because
She just wanted another man........a stranger at that! **** her, I'll show her!

So, as soon as she got off work, I called her, said I was "in the area" and would like "ONE LAST DATE WITH THE WOMAN I LOVED"! She tried to reason with me that she was tired from work and that if this was indeed our last time together as man and wife, she'd rather we'd plan it together and do it on a day when we were both fresh and rested and could spend all day and night together.

My "plan" was simple, we'd rent a DVD, a good bottle of wine, curl up on the couch, watch the movie, then American Idol, then I'd take her to bed, **** HER BRAINS OUT AND THEN TELL HER WHAT A LYING, CHEATING, MANIPULATING LITTLE ***** SHE REALLY WAS!

Yeah, right! She passed on the wine, agreed to the movie and my staying all night, but cautioned me that Edith (the counselor) would say she was giving me "false hope". Hah! What the **** did I care what Edith thought......I was getting my revenge no matter what!

Long story short, in the middle of the movie, with her head cushioned comfortably and trusting in my lap, something strange happened.........MY ANGER LEFT! I knew I couldn't do this to her. Pain or no pain, divorce or no divorce.......Match.com or no Match.com.........I still loved her and couldn't hurt her like that!

We made LOVE!....beautiful, tender, lasting, exquisite, with an intensity that touched the very core out of my soul. Afterward, while
Pillow talking, I knew I had to ask her about Match.com and WHY?????

Well Armand, you're certainly as intuitive as I am, so I'm sure you know what happened next?

She sat bolt upright in bed in shock and amazement and asked me, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO MATCH.COM, MUCH LESS REGISTERED TO FIND A MAN I'D HAVE NO INTEREST IN WHATSOEVER!

I knew instantly she was telling the truth!

It was at that moment, Armand, that I TRULY KNEW WHAT I'D LOST! It was also at that exact same moment that I KNEW WHY I'D LOST HER!

Let me put this as simply as it can be put, Armand.......this torturous divorce was not brought on by her or by her lack of anything! THIS DIVORCE WAS BROUGHT ON BY ME AND MY LACK OF CHARACTER, INTEGRITY, MATURITY, and by the most simple of irrefutables: I was not qualified in any way other than my chameleonic bull**** fake personality to be the husband she so richly deserves.

I don't know if this makes any sense or not, but I'm most devastated by the inarguable evidence that I have indeed been my own worst enemy for many, many years. That all my flowery speeches about aspiring to a higher level were just that: SPEECHES!

Yes, I'm still going to North Carolina. No, I don't know what's to become of me unless I can make the changes necessary to insure THAT NOTHING LIKE THIS EVER HAPPENS AGAIN!

Thanks, my friends, for your concern,
Jim <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />