Hi all.

I've been posting in the "Recovery" forum, but, I recognize that for this next leg of the journey I need to be posting here.


My husband and I have opted to get a divorce. Not sure how much I need to disclose, but, the bottom line is while we've both made egregious errors and bad choices; we are neither of us "the bad one." Does that make sense??

We have opted to get a divorce because:

I can't live with him if he won't take responsibility for anything (not the least of which is his unipolar depressive disorder that he refuses to take the medication that he's been prescribed for and/or get any kind of treatment for), refuses to put for ANY effort at all in building/repairing our relationship, and whose sole purpose in life appears to be to have everyone else take care of him.

And because:

He feels that he should not have to make any changes, that I should love him as he is, for who he is, and should just adjust to what he can give and make up for the rest. Since I'm incapable of that, he says he's miserable and no longer wants to be here.

But really:

We have nothing in common (different values, moral, political stances, interests, ideas, parenting styles, ect), we're not friends, we got married as children and grew apart as we matured, and throw in double infidelities, porn, sloth, apathy, and mental illness... it's too much.

So, we're going to divorce. At first, he wanted nothing to do with our children: in fact, I found out he wanted a divorce, too, when I woke up one morning to find him packing to move to RUSSIA, of all places. Turns out, he's a socialist and thinks that Russia will turn back to that form of government and he wants to be there.

Ok, so that is not quite realistic and he has since woken up to that. We have discussed him keeping the house (that's what I wanted for him, I would so like to get out of this neighborhood), but he's decided no... so, he'sgoing to get an apartment... after he starts his new job. He wants to pay the mortgage in leiu of child support (which I'm not real keen on getting, not sure the resentment would be worth it)... does that work???

He still doesn't really want to be part of our girls lives because he says it's impossible to parent from two households. I'm thinking surely we can come up with a suitable co-parenting plan? Any suggestions, advice??

I got the "blessing" from stbx to date; but, don't think so, not really ready. As far as the emotional stuff is concerned; I'm the one in a state of apathy. I have no warm, fuzzy feelings for stbx and no feelings at all regarding our marriage. But, even still, it feels disloyal to date. Any thoughts here?

I'm realizing that while I kind of make the house work, it's a totally different thing to know there is NO help; even if I have to raise hell to get it. My eldest daughter has been late a couple of times while I've been adjusting. That causes strife, too; because he's still HERE, but REFUSES to do ANYTHING AT ALL to help in any way. No cleaning up after himself, no throwing away trash, no helping out with the kids... I had a busy day yesterday and he was responsible for getting the kids and doing their evening stuff (he was NOT happy about that); well, I find out that he didn't give our daughter her meds (she's not well) and they didn't eat. Great. Any ideas on how to work with that and snap him into reality .. if for no other sake but our children?

Ok, that's a lot for a first post, I think... but, any and all advice is welcome.

You have alot of thinking to do about what you want in your next stage of life. Custody and location are important issues to consider.
I suggest you check out the books on parenting through divorce, which also offer great parenting plans - and advice in the absence of co-parenting.
Mom's House/Dad;s House, and how to help your children cope with divorce the Sandcastles way.
Also, see if there is a Rainbows class in your area (www.rainbows.org), or a banana splits class through your school to help your children through this difficult time.
If it's an amicable split, you can work out your settlement and custody through a mediator rather than through lawyers. Although your X states he wants no custody, once he finds out what he'll be required to pay in child support, he'll change his tune.
Good Luck.

Have you contacted your lawyer? Do not accept mortgage payments in lieu of support without the okay of an excellent lawyer. If you two have a lot of equity, you could just take a lump settlement and be done.

I suggest you tell him he needs to leave NOW. That’s ridiculous.

And as a woman living alone, I can tell you it’s not so bad if your used to someone who didn’t contribute a lot to domestic support anyway. It’s less food to cook, less dishes, less laundry and less picking up. My girls are much more helpful now without a bad example of a family member who didn’t help out except when he felt like it.

And Russia? Is this part of some sort of Mid-Life Crisis? Leave the USA, the land of opportunity where the streets are virtually paved with gold and even the “working” class lives better than the middle class in other countries? For Russia.

I wish I could say it's midlife, excepting he's only 28 years old. As far as the United States is concerned, I'm a capitalist, and I LOVE this country. My husband, on the other hand, is not. He feels that the United States is going to hell in a handbasket, and doesn't really want to stick around to see it happen.

While I think it'd actually be good to ask him to leave now, realistically, he can't. His job won't start for another month, so there's really nowhere for him to go. I'm ok with waiting for another month or so, it's just frustrating that he accepts no responsibility. Although, that's a very good continual reminder as to why we're doing this, I guess.

Newly, thanks for the info.. had NO clue where to start with books or that the bananasplit group even existed!!

C,

I've been lurking over here to for almost the SAME EXACT reasons as you! Very odd.

I think your H and my WH are one in the same <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

My WH is bi-polar but he doesn't believe it. He does take his Celexa but goes through bouts of missing days at a time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . So I never know if I'm speaking to the "real" him or not.

It's been 1 year since D-day and he's just now realizing that I might not have it in me any more to fight for our R. I've only been telling him that no time together means no re-building. He stopped counseling last November.

Keep reading here and asking ?'s because the people who have been there or are there seem to know the in's and outs that you'll need to know as well. Take their advice!

SoD

SoD-

I understand the frustration you're going through well. I can't tell you HOW MANY TIMES I pleaded with my husband to meet me half-way! I tried so hard to explain the things I needed and to clarify those from the things I just WANTED (because it's not the same thing)... hoping and waiting to see ANY of them happen. They never did. It didn't help that his family strengthened his position; I was always the one who needed to change or sacrifice because "I was the wife and that's just my job." And for years, I accepted that.. I was his helpmate, ect... of course, now I realize that although I WAS his helpmate; he was supposed to also be my protector. It was designed to be a symbiotic relationship, not a one-sided thing.

I did not help things, though, by the tons of ultmatims that I handed down over the years but never followed through with. I'm not really apologizing for the ultimatims... they were handed down for the safety of myself and my family. What I do apologize for is making them when I had no means of backing them up and then not following through with them. I taught my stbx that he didn't need to make changes, because my words were wind. And I don't think that he knew what to do with himself when, this past June I set my last ultimatim and kept it: he gets help and starts making positive changes in his life and our relationship by January 1st, or I'm done. He did nothing and on January 1st, I was done.

I wondered what to do if that actually snapped him out of his funk and he started doing things. I finally decided to just wait and cross that bridge when we got there... turns out, I'm not going to have to worry about it: nothing's changed there.

Best advice I can give you SoD, is to be strong with yourself and with him. Babying him only makes it worse.