Married 15 years, 2 girls, 12 and 6, W is a controller and workaholic. She spends much more time at the church than at home. She'll do anything for anyone, unlsess is it is for me. We struggled with different intimacy needs, me wanting more, her never wanting any. Nothing is negotiable. It is her way or she blows up and stomps about. I had withdrawn 2 years ago and we mutually let our marriage drown. I forced her to the sofa (not physically) 2 years ago.

Now I have taken a new job that requires me to be 3 hours away during the week. We were going to move the family after school lets out but in an intersting fight, she stated "I think you should go alone and that we should get a divorce."

This threw the circuit breaker for me and I wondered why. I figured she was angry and bitter, like me but that she prolly wasn't too unhappy since her church and work schedules consumed all her time. She had been seeing a counselor for about 6 months at that time, by herself.

I went to see the same counselor looking for advice but he was not optimistic. He claims that I have internal anger and W has external anger and it's best to see counselors seperately before trying couples counseling.

Everything I've read about counseling suggests that individual counseling is not the right solution for the problem. I was afraid of this counselor because a couple we know saw him for over 5 years before things got better for them.

So, I've had a few good conversations with my wife, I'm broken before God and wanting to change my part. I want to fix it fast though, since I've had a few good weekends at home and I want to help her get fixed too. I'm struggling because I haven't had sex in 2 years and now I'm emotionally vulnerable. When I suggest to my wife that maybe we should go to the MB retreat in April she says "maybe next year."

I think that she's waiting to see how long I will remain positive befor she reciprocates. Also, negotiation is still a huge issue. Unlike Gen 3:16, she is MY master, if it can't be her way, it can't be. No sex, no food and any other notion she has must be her way.

I'm frustrated at having to do my part with no potential return on the effort for a year or more.

Broken and hurting,

Gravity

Gee, good think I didn't need any help soon, I figured I'd get at least some encouragement from the forum members.

Anywayz, here's an update: I've been reading the boundaries for couples and had some time this weekend with W. She indicated that she isn't seeking a divorce but wants us to be in individual counseling vs. couples counseling. She thinks that we have to become better individuals before we can be a couple.

Any thoughts on that? BTW, we hugged yesterday, it was the first physical contact in 27 months.

Hey Gravity,


Sorry you haven't gotten a lot of advice. Let me be the first to offer you sympathies, and my advice, for what it's worth...

You two are already VERY MUCH INDIVIDUALS, and that's really a large part of the problem. While you may still need to learn to become better individuals, it's not going to make you a better couple to ONLY do invidual therapy.

My suggestion is that you augment your individual therapy with couples therapy; then, at home, make your PRIMARY FOCUS learning to relate WITH each other and building back your relationship. After 2 and 1/2 years, this means starting back at square one, using the past history together as a short hand. Get to know your wife all over again; go out on dates, do LITTLE things together, and be VERY careful to not apply too much pressure. No grand sweeping gestures, unless it's something that you BOTH want.

Little things: let's talk about that. This is stuff like sitting together on the couch watching a hockey game (or whatever floats your boat), making dinner together, or walking the dogs together. That kind of stuff. Date night doesn't have to be a BIG deal, though if she likes dressing up and going out, keep that in mind, too. I'm pretty easygoing, personally.. a great date for me is like going to the museum and wandering around or going for a game of bowling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Dressing up once in awhile is fun, but I'm not the gal that likes to go clubbing every weekend... if my stbx had tried to organize that as our dates, it would have been very stressful for me. Point is, know your audience.

Now, physial interaction.. that's needed, too. Another area you have to be EXTREMELY careful about pressure, though. Start working touch back into your life: little things like offering to rub her feet or back at the end of the day ~ as a workaholic, I'd lay money that there is some serious knots in her shoulderblades and her neck. Then, work up to regular hugs ~ maybe a goodnight kiss (even though you live together, lol) at the end of your "date nights" when you hit the front porch. Unless you BOTH want sex, I'd say hold off on that until your relationship has progressed some ~ otherwise it will hinder your intimacy together, rather than enhance it.

Make a point to say AT LEAST 5 nice things ABOUT AND TO your wife every day... will be hard at first, but will get easier, I promise. One thing that your wife is right on, your INDIVIDUALISM does effect your relationship quite a bit. ESPECIALLY your individual outlook. We can only control ourselves and how we see things. You say your wife is a control freak: well, the only one who can change that is her. But YOU can change how you CHOOSE to view that control. Instead of looking at it in a negative light, you can CHOOSE to view it in a little more positive light: like, she's taking a VERY active role in ensuring the good of your family... that kind of thing, tailored to your life. My point is, watch how you think about things. Life honestly does get easier when you try to spin everything in as positive of a light as possible. ~~~~ Oh yeah, make sure you TELL your wife positive things that you appreciate, too. She needs to know that you care about her and WHY you care about her.

Mainly, this isn't a short term fix. This is going to be a LONG, LONG road and it's mostly likely going to be awhile before you see any sustainable change. You just need to keep up with the things that YOU need to do ~ even if you feel like you've done it "long enough that she should be changing." Man, if I had a dime for every time I've heard that... just be patient. And when you're ready to give up, be patient some more.....

Finally, take time for YOU, too. This is going to be hard, and because of the huge time gap between initial investment and signs of payoff, you can easily get emotionally drained. Do something at least weekly that helps you. I have to do stuff daily to keep my emotionally battery charged; when I don't, I spin off into another orbit and get extremely over-analytical and very cynical. So, I do things like my "Pampered Princess Wake-up Routine" and EXERCISE ~ looove to exercise. Those things make me feel good about myself and sustains my energy so I can keep on keeping on. Find the things that allow you to do the same.

We're rooting for you! Good luck!

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

Thanks very much for your support and suggestions. She's not too keen on reading so she doesn't like it when I suggest that there's books to deal with specific issues. I'm very interested in change and normally read books in a day or less if I think it can help me.

You sound right in line with what I've read as it relates to being slow, not pushy and taking very small steps. I do want a quick fix but I guess I know that it cannot be that way. I'm glad she gave me the hug and I'm looking forward to the next one.

I'll keep you posted,

Thanks again!