<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>

Hello Roscoe! It has been a long time since I have written to you or to anyone else as a matter of fact. I continue to read what people are saying, though. Your posts are always incredibily insightful. And for that, I thank you. I too have gotten (for the most part) past the "past." It was a difficult journey, but I have survived with my marriage intact and quite possibly more stronger. Being "emasculated" is a *****, though. This is a problem that I do not feel comfortable with telling my friends about. Most, if not all, of my guy friends were "experienced" prior to their marriages and I don't think they could even begin to sympathize with me. Your posts do show me that you and I have been handling our situations in pretty much the same manner. It does take a change in your thought process. You have to realize that the "boys" from your wife's past are just that. They were not even close to the man that you and I are. Our wives were also just "girls" at that time. Since then they have became beautiful women.<p>Once again, thank you for your posts.

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>

Roscoe,<p>Imagine my surprise when I saw a thread directed to me. You seem to be very wise and your insight does help me. I only hope that someday my H will get to a point where he lives for today as well. I'm still paying close attention to HOLs thread, but I get somewhat discouraged.<p>You are right about H not being able to empathize. He doesn't even have the desire to try yet. I think he's still too hurt. I know I've done a lot of damage to his ego - he often wondered how it was that he was lucky enough to end up with me. Now he thinks he has the answer - I am no prize. He feels like anybody could get me and he was just the only one stupid enough to keep coming back. I married H at age 20. I try to tell him that he was not a last resort - I didn't marry him because I didn't think anybody else would ever come along that could love me. <p>He also has admitted that he never felt very confident when it came to women. He now seems to find the very things that attracted me to him in the first place a defect. Such as the fact that he wasn't the kind of guy to just use women for sex. That he's kind, loyal and trustworthy. Even his faith in God now to him seems like it's all wrong and that if he'd been more like me, we'd be more compatible. <p>The fact that I lied about it makes everything all the worse. I still struggle with why. Did I lie just so I wouldn't look bad in his eyes? Did I lie because of the shame? Did I lie to pretend I was somebody I wasn't? Or maybe all of the above. I have never lied to him about any other topic that may have arisen in almost 16 years of marriage. He now wonders, though... <p>We did try counseling for awhile. It costs us megabucks and really didn't do a darn thing to help him. It helped me somewhat because I have a hard time living with myself these days, and it helped to have someone else tell me I'm not an all around big time loser, but H always felt like he was the one that did wrong. He was the one that couldn't get over it. He was the one that just needed to accept it. We always left the counselor with H being angry. He shouldn't have to be the one to do all the work. I'm the one that caused the problem.<p>He says he doesn't feel that same about me anymore. That he doesn't even know who I am. We took a break (by his choice not mine) from being intimate because he decided he couldn't just have sex with a "stranger" like I could. And that he couldn't pretend to feel things for me that he doesn't anymore. Yesterday we did come back together, but now I'm not so sure that it was a good idea. I got the notion that he'd come to a realization or something and that we'd start moving toward reconciliation. That he realized I am worth his love. But today, I'm not so sure. He slept a good portion of the day away (he didn't work today because of bad weather) and didn't seem to want to be around me much. Now I'm thinking I was an idiot - that he probably just wanted the physical closeness and now he's regretting it. I don't know that for sure, but that's what I'm thinking. And I can't ask. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to rock the boat.<p>I guess I'll just wait it out some more and continue to be as nice as I can. HOL mentioned this and H mentions it as well. How come I'm (and Liar2) being so nice all of a sudden? And how come I'm so ashamed of my past all of a sudden? Just because I got caught and don't want to pay the price?? I don't believe so. <p>Sure, I've realized that I love him more than anything since being forced to think about being without him. It makes me realize that I definitely don't ever want to be without him. I knew this before, too, but now it seems to be even more evident. As for the shame, I always felt it, I just never shared it. <p>In any event, I'm still here and I really appreciate your taking the time to give me your thoughts. It seems to me that you've come a long ways in dealing with why you feel the way you do and that gives me hope for tomorrow. Thanks!!

Roscoe,<p>What should I do when I start feeling impatient? Lately, I've noticed that I'm getting more easily frustruated. H regrets his "boring" life. He wishes he was young again and that I hadn't wasted the best years of his life. He wishes he had done more. He wishes he hadn't been so afraid of the consequences because all it did is stifle him. And then there's me, who didn't consider the consequences. I'm supposed to get off scott free?<p>How do I get him to see that what we have (family, home, financial security) is what life is really about? That this life is the life I've always dreamed of and could really skip the rest. He doesn't buy that for a minute. He really believes I'd do it all over again. He wishes he could do what I did. Oh what a mess I've made!!<p>What can I do to help him? Do you have any ideas? I feel like screaming sometimes -

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>