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#767155 03/12/04 02:55 PM
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Hello,
I'm here for the first time and I am desperate for help. I've been married for 5 1/2 yrs and have 1 child who will be 4 in April. She now says that shes been unhappy for a few years and wants a divorce. I asked if we could try counseling and at first she said no but now she wants to seperate and try counseling. I asked if she had contacted an attorney and she said yes. Is it required to attend counseling and seperate before filing for a divorce? Or could she really be trying? I forgot to mention I'm in Ohio if it makes a difference.

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: Immiserable ]</small>

#767156 03/12/04 03:39 PM
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Go to the Concepts area of the MB site and learn all you can as quickly as possible. It's possible that you haven't been meeting her Emotional needs and your marriage can be salvaged if you are willing to work on it - that is change.
The tools are on this site. Use them, and you could have a better marriage than you ever imagined.

#767157 03/12/04 04:08 PM
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Do you think that will help even if she say's her mind is made up and she say's nothing will change her mind? She doesn't talk or tell me or anyone what is wrong so I dont know what to do. I'm not mentally or physically abusive. I do drink but that's not it. I work a lot and provide her with more than she needs.My heart is broken. I love her so much.

#767158 03/13/04 07:23 AM
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I agree with Newly. Go to the concepts. Read all you can, especially "Why women leave".

One thing in your last post strikes me. You stated you drink but "that's not it". Why then did you mention that?

A mother with a child will normally not leave unless there is abuse in the home. Excessive drinking can scare a spouse enough to leave.

Please give us more information on your situation.

Hang in there. I know it's tough.

#767159 03/13/04 12:01 PM
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When I met met my wife we both drank and went out. After she became pregnant she quit. We quit going out and stayed home all the time. After she had our baby she started drinking again(socially) and things were normal I thought,then after a business trip she got sick while drinking and said no more. Until recently she's gone out a couple of times without me and she has told me each time before she leaves I'm going to have a few drinks. I told her that I would like the two of us to go out and have a few drinks but she doesn't do it with me. I have not harmed her in any way. I don't drink anymore now than I did when we met. I missed 1 day of work last year because my son was sick, and I have been employed by the same company for 17yrs so I do not consider myself as a person with a drinking problem. As a matter of fact when we met and she drank we had a great sex life but that is not the case these days.

#767160 03/13/04 07:59 PM
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I hate to mention this but do you think it is possible that she might be having an affair and that this might be the reason that she wants out? My exH stopped talking and communicating to me when he was having an affair(he denied it of course) but the red flags went up for me. He also started going out with"friends" and flatly refused to let me go with him or meet his friends. I hope this is not the case for you but you might want to check in to the possibility.
____________________________________----
me 37 daughter 9
ExH 35 shacked up with OW23
they had an affair for two years before they shacked up
Married Aug 1, 1992 seperated since July 29,2003

#767161 03/14/04 12:00 AM
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Immiserable,
So am I!

Let your W know that you want to go to counseling but you both must understand that it is going to take a lot of effort from each of you.

Do your best to avoid the seperation. Do what ever you need to to make her feel that the seperation is not necessary at this point. But you must do this in actions , not words. You can let her know that you don't think seperating is a good idea, but tell her in an honest, caring way.

Show her that you are not putting any pressure on her to stay together. Be understanding to all that she has to say. If necesarry, be willing to sleep on the couch but always be available to her.

Make sure that you understand all of the basic concepts here

Basic Concepts

And don't rule out the A on her part. Just remember that anything that is going on, wether it be an A or not, it may all just be due to you not meeting all of her EN's

Here are some links that you should read. You should read all you can find on this site, but this will get you started.

Why Women Leave Men
How to Meet Emotional needs

How to Overcome Love Busters

Sorry you need to be here

WIWH

#767162 03/15/04 04:11 PM
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Sorry to say but the seperation started Thurs night. I have to say these are the absolute most painful days I have ever been through. We start counseling Tuesday evening, but she's not going for the right reasons. I asked her what she thought about the counseling and she said It would not bring us back together but maybe she could give me an answer to what went wrong. As of yet she has not been able to do that. She seems to be trying to hurry things along. She already wants to set times and dates to visit my son. Still struggling here.

#767163 03/15/04 08:46 PM
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My best advice is to let W understand that MC may not be the right one for you in advance. Let her understand that you may need to try a few before you find one that works for you. Because you may.

A bad MC can easily end all your hopes.

Make sure that you find a MC that is pro-marriage and is focussed on the future and a better life. Not the past and what went wrong.

How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor

If you let us know where you are, you may be able to get some recomendations.

WIWH

#767164 03/16/04 07:54 AM
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Good morning. Yesterday was a bear of a day. I finally had enough and went to the Doctor and he gave me some medication that seems to help. My W came over to the house where I am staying last night to drop some clothes off for my son and while she was there I noticed she seemed unhappy & hurting. This was the first time I have noticed this. Every other encounter I've had with her for the past week she has seemed irritable & angry. By the way I live in Cincinnati,Ohio . Thanks for talking & helping.


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