I am separated for 6 weeks now from my wife who has initiated a divorce. I think there is still hope and there appears to be a crack in the door to go through, but in adition to my 180 and counseling, I need to get some of her needs for Affection, and Admiration met ASAP. Her other needs I've identified are Conversation which I am getting deposits off of and also Honesty and Financial support. How do I do this when I separated and facing a divorce?

Does anyone have any ideas since I cannot spend the 15 hrs per week with her and am separated but in good friendly relationship. I don't want to seem pushy or phony.

She has indicated that she will consider couples counseling once I work on myself for awhile. She told her girlfriend that I the divorce isn't final for 6 months so I have time to show her I can change.

My 180 seems to be working but I need more to get us closer so I can start making deposits again. In the mean time I want to meet the needs I have failed to meet so far after 13 years of marriage and 4 kids. Please help.

Does anyone have any ideas since I cannot spend the 15 hrs per week with her and am separated but in good friendly relationship. I don't want to seem pushy or phony/Are you in Plan A or doing a the 180 stuff?

just a thought....

luke brought this up about sending cards... Although my ex was the one that pressed forward with the divorce, when he was "thinking" about keeping it together, he too sent me cards. The first one I wanted to scream. The ones after that I just tore up and put into the garbage. Sometimes doing things your partner wants you to do is overkill. My ex just assumed that I wanted cards because I said a card "once in a while" meant one a week, and that flowers meant also once a week (rather than once in a while). I think had we both have found this site during that time, we could have spent some serious time getting to know each other's emotional needs and then gone from there.

If her needs are conversation -- that could be anything from a seminar to a long distance card. I too love conversation, but it doesn't mean that I wanted to sit there for 2 hours listening to my partner talk to me non-stop. For me it meant talking about anything and everything, or going out for a coffee with a friend, or listening to some great music, or writing a letter, reading a book/newspaper... you get the drift.

Maybe you might want to fill out your page and then ask her to fill our her needs and trade during this time. Really get to know one another. Get YOURSELF into counselling now. Don't wait. She's said she would consider couples counselling. If she sees you going NOW, don't you think that would mean MORE to her? She could actually see how you are working on yourself. Counselling will bring out loads of things that you will be working on -- and some of it with her help.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I am in counseling and my wife and I see the same counselor albeit at diffent times. I think like someone said, that has shown her that I am comitted to working on myself. I am trying to do the 180 and it seems to be working. She has an idealic life planned for herself after the divorce and is waiting to move into a new house with new furniture etc with her/my 4 daughters who mean the world to both of us.

So in a way I am competing with this fantasy of now problems and she gets to be the supermom she wants to be and everyone tells her she is. I think the strain is showing a bit as she asked me to spend the evening/overnight with the kids so that she could stay with relatives and get a good nights sleep. I was reluctant to becuase it is so hard on me and the kids and also a bit out of spite, but I did it for her. She emailed me and thanked me for doing that for her.

I notice that she has been calling me more to chit chat for 30 minutes or so freqeently and we had a great little friendly non-threatening conversation when I picked up teh kids this time. However, I can see that when we first start talking she won't look at me, but as she warms up and her true self comes through, not the cold front, she really turns back into "my wife" again for the rest of the conversation.

I picked up a small litle book for a gift but I think I'll hold off on giving it to her until I think the timing is better. I sent her and the kids St. Patrick day cards so hopefully that will make some deposits for me.

I think she wants to see me change (which I am), and for me to have more involvment with the kids (which I doing. I feel that since our divorce will be signed on 5 April, she will not show any signs of weakness or reconcilliation until after that date. I think she has something to rpoveto herself and her friends that she is going through with this for starters and two, that my changes aren't merely to get out of the divorce. I think after the divorce is final there might be a coming around in the next 6 months before its final final. That way she can save face and say that one she went through with the divorce and two, Dave has been going to counseling and he's better now so I am now reconcilling. Thats kinda my thoughts. I think her friends are supporting her so strongly that reconcilliation before the divorce is signed is almost nill. Any prospectives from the female side of the house on that one?

I am also super cheerful and pleasant and very compliant when she asks something of me and whenever we talk. She even asked me for a favor the other day and calls me for small things. Whats up with this.

Also what is the plan A and B where do I find info on that?
Thansk everyone.

Thanks for starting this post. I'm really confused about your W. Does she or doesn't she want to work things out (i'm thinking this to myself)? I've thought to myself maybe my H is having an A to wake me up (which I have) but I'm afraid that is a lie to myself because he already says that he can't go back and that he wants to be happy. A small part of me wants to believe that he doesn't think he can be happy with me because he's afraid things will go back to the way they used to be.

how can this be so? after all the reading all of us have done and the changes we have made in ourselves, how can we possibly let things return to the way they were/are? At the same time if you are living apart and they spouse doesn't have a desire to work things out, how can you meet their EN? I live in another state due to a job I accepted last october, my H was supposed to be joining me after he graduated in may of this year but sadly he's in an A and says he won't be joining me and I should let him go.

I'm very interested to see what other responses you receive. Even though I'm confused with your W your situation still looks promising to me. I had to drive back to our house (11 hours away) to confront him with what I knew. We talked and said things we hadn't said to each other in a long time but all the time he just said he couldn't go back. I told him that I want him to be happy and would let him go. then I had to leave to return to my job, when I got back to where i'm living now I wrote him a long letter and he called me a few days later to tell me that he got the letter and said he thought that we had said everything and that he wanted to make sure I understood he couldn't go back. I haven't sent him anything in the mail or email since and haven't said I love you either. I've only talked with him a few times since and try to keep it brief each time and I'm very pleasant.

Sorry I'm kind of taking over your post but I'm getting very anxious, I'm going back to our house next week while he is on spring break. I'm just trying to plan what to do and say to show him I understand now and that I've RETURNED to the woman he married. HOw can I do that in a week and given the fact that he doesn't want to work things out?

Hope your posts gets more replies so maybe I can get some advice too.

Wahoo,

If you have not read the Marriage Builder's Principles yet, you still have a lot of reading to do! Here is a link that is a great reference for all of the principles including Plan A/B etc.

Good luck and keep reading,

God Bless,


r0uter

Thanks but I've read all that. Plan A/B refers to infidelity but thats not our situation. At least not mine and my W and her friends say that ther is no infidelity on her part either. Basically, I she said that I was selfish in the marriage, never met her needs, didn't put the family first etc. We also started quareling more and more and also in front of the kids. She is also on antidepressants (Zoloft) which I think has affected her reasoning etc. It might help with the depression but its kinda made her a different person IMO.

She is so committed to her work and her kids that I think she sees me as standing in the way. I wanted her to get a different job that paid better to help out more with our finances etc, but she wouldn't consider it since she works for family and really enjoys what she is doing. She sayw me as trying to break her away from her family which I wasn't But we were always in the hole and financially things were getting better but still far from perfect.

Like I said, I think that I am competing with this fantasy that she has of having her job, her family , her new home etc all without the hassles of me and whatever problems I brought into the situation.

Her friend asked her early on in the divorce "aren't you being a little unfair, since he hasn't really done anything". Her reply was that "the divorce isn't fianl for 6 months so he has six months to show me he can change". Again that was several weeks ago and I don't know if that is still in affect. I don't want to discuss the marriage since in Michelle Wieners book it says that when doing a 180 let the spouse bring up the marriage when their ready to.

SO like I said, just trying to be pleasant and cheerful/ accomodating. I think in her heart she doesn't want a divorce but knows as we both do that things couldn't go on the way they were. When we did have a heart to heart at one point several weeks ago, she said that while I wanted reconcilliation, she said her walls were up to high and she didn't want to get hurt again.
I did notice a diffenece in the counselors attitude last week so I think my W must have said something encouraging to her about my changes during her session. My 5 year old said that Mom misses me and loves me, but not sure how accurate that info is. Said she misses me at night and in the morning sometimes. Again, not sure how accurate it is.

What I don't understand is that why my W wants to basically be friendly by calling me, asking for small favors, warming up to me in conversation etc, and yet doesn't want to talk about the marriage. A few weeks ago when I signed us up for a marriage enrichment type weekend, she emailed me back and said that one must work on themselves before you can work on the couple. She also said that she wasn't interested in couples counseling "at this time" whatever that means. I haven't brought it up again, but was going to let our counselor take the lead on that. I might ask during my next counselor visit if that would be something we could try. I don't know if she still feels that way or not. The tension since that time has certainly gone away, so if anything its more relaxed than when she made those comments.

after 13 years of marriage and 4 kids.
Long term marriages (>10 years) almost never break up in that time frame with kids unless there is someone else involved.

she asked me to spend the evening/overnight with the kids so that she could stay with relatives and get a good nights sleep.
Ya really think? I don’t.

However, I can see that when we first start talking she won't look at me,
Guilt?

waiting to move into a new house with new furniture etc with her/my 4 daughters
Why are you allowing her to take your daughters? She is the one who wants to leave the marriage.

Also what is the plan A and B where do I find info on that?
See below in my signature.

Thanks but I've read all that. Plan A/B refers to infidelity but thats not our situation. At least not mine and my W and her friends say that ther is no infidelity on her part either. Basically, I she said that I was selfish in the marriage, never met her needs, didn't put the family first etc. We also started quareling more and more and also in front of the kids. She is also on antidepressants (Zoloft) which I think has affected her reasoning etc. It might help with the depression but its kinda made her a different person IMO.
All this is classic affair stuff.

She also said that she wasn't interested in couples counseling "at this time" whatever that means.

Based on the few posts you have, I would at least be very suspicious of an affair.
Yes, it’s extremely difficult to even fathom the idea but sadly, it happens far too often.

I'm not convincd of the affair. I know that she stayed at her brothers house that weekend and while we haven't had sex for close to a year I still believe that there isn't an affair. She swears up and down, the counsleor and her good friends who know her say the same thing. I trust her on this.
As for the kids, she is a great mom and the kids should be with thier mom I feel. That is the best place for them. I think that the mariage was just too sour to stay in in and she needed to see me chnage and make it a better marriage. Theres more to this than posting permits but I think she is torn inside and not having an affair. If she is, you're right I would be floored and it would be totally out of character for her.

I'm not trying to convince you she IS having an affair. Just that you need to keep an open mind about it.
ALso, here's just a few things for you to ponder. Again, I'm not trying to "convince" you of anything, just you need to consider EVERYTHING until you absolute proof it is not happening.

She swears up and down, the counsleor and her good friends who know her say the same thing. I trust her on this.
If she is having one, of course she would swear she's not.
Affairs are not an easy thing to deal with, even for the wayward spouse.

for the kids, she is a great mom and the kids should be with thier mom I feel. That is the best place for them.
Aren't you a good Dad? Don't you think you could provide as good support?

If she is, you're right I would be floored and it would be totally out of character for her.
But filing for divorce is "in character" for her?

Just trying to say that an affair will make someone do things you NEVER thought possible of them.

I hear what you are saying, but maybe because I think that reconcilliation will happen (call me niave) I truly believe in my heart that the girls belong with thier mom. I mean she was a good mom before she filed and the filing hasn't changed my opinion of that.

As for the affair, you could be right, but I think not but then again I'v ebeen wrong before. Time will tell I guess. I have asked her many times and she always denied it, so I stopped asking. Her friend told me that my W thought I was having an affair. I told her that I was not.

I am a good dad and husband. Its just after reading more aboutthe subject I see that I was sorely lacking in many aspects. I am learning what I need to do better and have begun to do just that. Maybe I'm just overly optomistic and hopeful. I may be setting myself up for a big fall but again, time will tell.

I have asked her many times and she always denied it
And almost every ws will continue to deny, deny, deny, even if (literally) caught in bed with someone.

When a spouse has an affair, it seems as if they read a script because 99% of what they say and do is the exact same thing every other ws does.
This is one reason I suggest the affair in your case.

"Her friend told me that my W thought I was having an affair". This is also a common theme. The ws will accuse the other of an affair to draw off any suspicion of their own affair.

Well its been a week or so since I last responed and I think a lot has happened that I wante dto share with folks and get some feedback.

First, still tryingto do the 180 and plan A and still meet W various needs. Seem to be working. Approximately 2 weeks ago I started being more positive and carefree around her and doing my normal dad duties like taking the kids on the weekends. Since we are seperated I call my kids every nigh to say goodnight other than that my contact w wife has only been when she initiates a phone call during the day or something. Those conversations are usually pleasant and friendly.

Last Friday was my night to go out with the kids which I did. She went out with her brother who is alos her employer. Side note here. A lot of the problems in our marriage were due to my percaption that her brother was taking advantage of her talents in teh work place, which I believe now contributedto her low self esteem. I always figured she recognized that she was getting the short end of teh stick, but misplaced her anger about the situation onto me because it was too painful to confront.

Anyway, Friday ight came and went. She came home and we didn't say too much and I excused myself early cause I was tired and I knew she was too and I didn't want to LB, since I have been LB free for a few weeks now! She called me a short time later after I got back to my place (about takingthe kids the next day) and I could tell she was depressed about something. I asked here and she said she was just tired. So I let it be and we ended the conversation.

I forgot to mention that I hadtaken Friday off to clear out most of my remaining possesions out ofthe house per her request and also not to give her a reason to get mad at me. Kinda like removing the source of any potential aggravation. It had to be done anyway since the divorce is still in progress and we have our house on teh market. Besides that she had asked me to do it and I wanted to be agreeable again to avoid LB's. I knw that I sound like a doormat, but I figured it wasn't worth any kind of fight especially when it needed to be done anyway.

We also had a school function for our daughter earlier that afternoon. We sat with our daughter in between us and I basically snubbed her in a friendly way (focused on teh speaker, not her) and socialized with the various attendees. She did bring me a cookie when refreshments were served though. Myabe a truce trigger?

So fast forward to the next day. I got up feeling guilty that perhaps I had been grumpy on Friday. So I decided that since I was up early 700, I would go and get doughnuts for the kids and I also picked up a bouquet of fresh flowers daily special for the W. I dropped by the house and was surprisedto see the garage door open. I went in and dropped off the doughnuts only to find out W had already gotten doughnuts that morning (hence the open garage) but kids were excited to have more! She evidently went in her PJ's to get doughnuts. I also am wondring if she was out checking up on me to see if I was home at that early hour since her friend told me at one time she thought I was having an EA! I wasn't of course. Can't be sure she was checking up on me though.

When I arrived, I told her the flowers were for her and had a brief card saying that I apologized for being grumpy the day before and that I hoped the flowers brightened up her day and the house. Then I left and went to work.

A couple hours later when I got off work, I was planing on going and doing something for myself, but intuition told me to call her and ask if there was anything I could do around the house that day to get it ready for the listing. She said that she needed some yard work done, so I volunteerdto come ver and work in the yard. I did and she was working inside painting or something. She was very pleasant and after awhile came out and asked me if I would go to get some sandwiches for everyone for lunch. So she gave me a $20 and off I went.

Not sure if I was to stay for lunch or not, I delivered the meal and she encouraged me to sit down and eat with everyone. This was quite nice and we had a lightherted lunch. I finished up in the yard, left and returned to pick up the kids later that afternoon to take them to church and my "date night" with my kids that evening.

That all went smoothly and I dropped off the kids that evening but did not go inside, just walked them to the door.

Sunday is where things get interesting. At 0650 she calls me and wakes me up asking what my plans were for the day w/regards to the kids as I had indicated that I was goingto do something with them that day. I've also noticed that when she calls with something she "really" wants to talk about, she always starts off with an aggressive style. I diffused the situation and said it was up to her and that I would be flexible to her requests if she had other plans already. She quickly warmed up and began to open up. She started telling me all about her problems that she was having with her brother and her work. She basically was parroting back to me all the things I had been saying over th ecourse of the past couple years about her being taken advantage of etc. At one point she even hinted thatI was right! I about fell out of my chair. I shut up and just listened for about an hour to her venting and opening up. Evidently the relationship betwwen the two is so bad that she is looking for another job! Again, something that I had suggested many times only to LB whenever I did it. Shetalked fr about an hour. I suggested that I take the kids for the day so that she could get away for the day and go do something.

I went over to the house a couple hours later to get the kids. When I got there she was upset and frustrated. I loaded the kids in the car and when I came back in the house she was sitting on the sofa and had tears in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she said thatshe didn't want me to think she was a "bad mom" and that she also didn't want me to be mad at her. I told her that I wasn't mad at her for anything and that I never thught she was a bad mom, anything but. I know that this was probably guilt, but I don't undertsand why she cares if I am mad at her or if I think she is a bad mom. I sat next to her and rubbed her shoulders a bit and then left.

She went shopping with her mom and sis for the day and we both arrived home shortly after one another Sunday afternoon. During teh day I had helped my oldest daughter get supper ready to start when we got home and also done most of teh laundry fro my W. She had come home briefly before me so when I got there I went to the laundry room to quickly finish up foldingthe load I had started. She came in shortly thereafter and invited me to stay for dinner! Again, Woo-Hoo.

So I stayed and we had a nice dinner as a family again and the kids seemed to really enjoy having me there as well. Conversation was lighthearted and even a couple chuckles. Afterwards, I assume my pre-D duties of clearingthe table during which time she showed us the new clothes she had picked up that day and chatted with me.

I asked her if she wanted to sit in the other room on teh couch and she said Ok. She picked up the newspaper classifieds and began to leaf through them looking at the various jobs and commenting on them. She said that hse had had a talk with her brother that afternoon and but was still goingto update her resume and keep her options open. I didn't say very much, just basically followed her lead and did a lot of listening.

We spoke about sellingour house and she began to get teary eyed. I don't think in her heart she wants to sell it but she has tenatively comitted to buyingthis new house from her brother and has started the process there. On the other hand we aren't having any offers on our house. Also whats interesting is that whenever people comethorughthe huse the comment on all the decorating improvments that she has doen over the years and she really gets stroked from the positive feedback. So I think its bitersweet in her mind. She also sees all her flowers and landscaping startingto com eup in teh yard now that Spring is here and she knws that will all be going away and she will be starting over in a house she doesn't particulary have any memeories in, as opposedto our "home" that is going away. Maybe things are strating to sink in. She commented that she can decorate her new house too, but I said that its not the same as our "home" that we have now and left it at that. I know that she knows that too.

I left a short time after that as the conversation was geting strained and wantedto leave w/o LBing since I had been doing so well. That brings us to this week where in counseling (individual but same counselor) my counselor couldn't believe the changes in me (thanks to the Divorce Busting techniques)and the positive afect it was having on the relationship. She won't say the marriage for some reason, maybe since she sees it as a done deal. Perhaps it is. But she said that my W was noticing too and not to miss the small things she was doing to aknowledge my positive changes. I mean a week ago I got snubbed for dinner andthis week ate with the family two days in a row, plus had a heck of open conversation with my W really opening up to me. Granted it wasn't aout the marriage, but maybe she needs to come to terms with her wrok realtionship before she realizes how it was afecting us so badly.

Anyway, just wanted to update evryone and sorry for the long post. What should I be doing now do yo think? The divorce decree gets signed the first week of Arpil. Should I just let things ride, continue to work on myself and the marriage and hope that duing the next six months she drops it? Need some feedback please especially from the female side of the house. Things maybe that I can do to supplement what I am currently doing.

Dear Wahoodee:

From your last post, it looks as if whatever you are doing is really starting to pay dividends. I am really pleased for you. I can't tell you, even in my detatched state, how much I would give to have the kind of reaction and warmth you are getting from your wife. My wife has not so much as invited me over for a meal in over six months.

Keep up the good work and keep us posted.

Shaken

Well, thanks. She said teh dinner invite was the kids idea, but the counselor said that she didn't haveto do anything that was nice and that I should be pleased with my progress. She stil has the St. Patricks day card that I sent her up on our buffet. So I guess thats a good sign as well.

Last night was the first meaningful contact I've had with her since last Sunday. She called me three times. The first time at about 1030PM was to tell me about her success at cleaning teh carpets in the house (I had picked up our shampooer from the repair shop earlier that day and left it at the house)and some other small chit chat about teh kids. At one point in the call she asked me if it would be ok if she spent the night at her sisters house since she was planning on visiting her to have dinner the next day. Her sis lives 45 miles away. I could see the point. I knew about the plans to have dinner from earlier in the week, so it was no bg deal. When she asked me on te phone I kinda balked and didn't say anything for a few seconds, then I said its whatever she wanted to do. I didn't want to LB anything. So I left it at that and ended the call nicely but firmly.

She then called back 5 minutes later and wanted to know why I ended the call like that and that if I didn't want her to stay then she wouldn't. She started waffling about staying trying to make it my choice wether she did or not. Again, not wanting to LB, I said that the reason for the pregnant pause was due to my misunderstanding what she was asking and that again teh decison was up to her. She then started in on how she hasthe 4 kids 24/7 and that she needs a break too. She started whining about other stuff too. I felt like saying "too bad so sad" since she was the WAW, but I didn't. She then said she'd think about it and let me know today (Friday). Then she started talking about our house thats on the market but hasn't sold and her efforts to get it sold. I agreed with everythng she was doing. I could tell she wastrying to pick a fight, but I wasn't gonna LB if it killed me. So after she vented, we ended the convesation nicely again.

She then called a third time (about 10 minutes later), by now it was after 11PM and I was tryingto get to sleep. This time she was definately upset about her "poor" circumstances and was fretting and stressing about how the house hasto sell since she has to be into her new house on the 15th of April and how we're gonna have to take a lower price than she had counted on etc.. More whining about the neighbors and how if they would clean up their yards the house would look better etc., more blaming of everything on everyone else. I asked her about maybe just refinacing our current house and she said because we didn't have te equity she couldn't. Then went into how the second mortgage debt (earlier refi) was the problem etc... I told her that that that was all my fault on the debt etc.. (even though it was amutual decsion). She then said no, it was her fault and her debt too, butI was insistant that I wasthe cause of the situation (even though I know its not true). She kept whining and blaming, questioning if she was making good decisions etc.. I finally told her that "I believed in her and her deciosn making ability." I also said that "I'm sure that she must have thought things through before she started all this so everything will be ok". She questioned my comments and after I kept saying in different variatins of that she "had evidently thought things through before she "bolted" (my thoughts not my words)she finally got frustrated and decided it was time for her to go to bed. I was pretty pleased with myself for 1) not LBing and 2) standing up for myself and not letting her goad me into a fight, 3) using reverse pyschology on her.

Anyway, what does this all mean, I am not sure but I see that she is stressed out to the max, is questioning what she is doing and from what the kids say, misses me somewhat. I persoanlly think she is so full of anger and blame that she isn't pen to much from me at this point. Any ideas? Unfortunately she has spun herself into a web that she may not want (or maybe does?) but is having to live with. What should I be doing now? I feel somewhat sorry for her since I told her thrughout our marriage that she needed to let go of the anger and resentments in her life lest they eat her up inside. Without me being around and being able to blame me for thins anymore, she seems t be self-destructing. What do you do, just wait around and pick up the pieces at that point when she does? Or do people lik ethis just get so bitter and angry that they live a fake life and blame the x or whatever. Need some insight as I'm sure somebody has had a similiar situation.

I am still convinced of no EA, but time will tell. I have confirmed that she is where she is when she stays overnight with relatives. Do yo think she was doing this (divorce) as an attention getter that is now taken on a life of its own?

Dear Shaken,

I forgot to mention thansk for your post. All my friends tell me to let it go and its nice to get positive feedback. I believe in my heart she doesn't want a divorce but is a serious fog bank, as evidenced by the fact that she came out briefly when she told me her true feelings about her work/brother.

I also wanted to say that maybe I am just getting a little "see, you get what you deserve" attitude at this point. Being a strong Christian I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but it helps me to insulate/distance myself and move on. I have adopted a WWJD strategy and am taking the high ground as I know that ultimately I will haveto answer for my actions and she for hers. At this point without sounding to moralistic or pompus, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes given that she is breking up our family for no "real" reason other than selfishness. don't think will cut it with the man upstairs, if you know what I mean.

I believe that we will be reconciled at some point but right now God is allowing the situation to happen for a variety of reasons and she has to deal with her issues. So, in as much as this was about me changing and taking on new perspectives, its equally about her and her finding her tue self. Until that happens I don't think I could reconcile because she couldn't put our marriage first.

I think its that acceptance that makes it easier to do my end of the equation and have the results I am having. Don't get me wrong itsthe hardest things I've ever done. Harder than when I was in the service alone and in danger for a year on peackeeping duty. I hated that time but my faith got me thrugh it and I'm sure it will again.

I am "enjoying" not having to live my life for her anymore and getting to do what I like to do for a change. I have come to realize that I cannot be responsible for her happiness and that while I contributed to not meeting her EN in the marriage, she also is responsible for her selfish behavior in not meeting mine and betraying me twice now thrugh 2 divorce filings (she stopped the first when we began MC couple years ago). I can only accpet responsibility for my failings not hers.

So I feel better (maybe just detached), but like I said feel sorry for her. I miss her a lot and still love her but don't miss the verbal abuse and beratings I used to get. I also feel sorry for the kids who will undoubtedly see her get more angry and time goes on.

Guys I could really use some feedback here please. Overthe weekend somethings happened that I thought were strange. On friday night I wasto have the kids and she got angry me at me for a simple misundertsanding. She left for the evening (I was at my old house since I don't have my own place yet) and while she ws gone I wrote a quick note apologizing for my misunderstanding what I she had said (eventhough I knew she had said it). She emailed me th next day andtoild methat my previous arrangements to see the kids was bogus and that we would now be on an every other weekend arrangement beginning in about 2 hours. She knew I didn't havethe placeto go as I am staying with a relative who is out of town and there is only 1 bed and a couch and now 4 kids and me. She loaded up a luandry basket and out came the kids. Don't come ack till Sunday 5PM basically. Of course I did what I could and we gotthrough the weekend. When I dropped them off I just gave the kids hugs and didn't really say anything to her. She was in a good mood but I just left. No contact till today when she emailed me and thanked me for takingthe kids for the weekend andthat she got a lot done on the house (since its up for sale). She then called later this afternon and brought me up to speed on the house status which still hasn't sold. She is now getting a realetor (we had been doing for sale by owner). I told her that given the circumstances about her moving into her new house at te end of April and that the house hasn't sold, her actions were appropriate. She didn't say much else and we ended the conversation.

Over the weekend I did go out and get an apt for the 1st of April. She mentioned that my daughter told her this in her email. Not much else on teh subject though.

Again, what should I be doing? The divorce is signed on 5 April. I guess I am in plan A but tryingto work on my 180 as well. Being as nice as I can but not really initiaing any contact. Responding only. What should I be doing? Would like to hear from WS female types as to what she might bethinking and how should I be acting!!

Please somebody!!

DEAR W:

SOUNDS LIKE WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING IS GETTING YOUR WIFE'S ATTENTION. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER? IF SO, THEN WHY DON'T YOU NOT SIGN THE PAPERS, PUT IT ON HOLD?

ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER..OR DO YOU?

A HEALED BROKEN HEART

Yes, I do want to reconcile, but she is moving ahead with the divorce and I have already signed the papers. Early on, I got so fed up with things that I justtold the atty to draft up everythng and I'd sign it. SO i did. I haven't been figtingthe divorce at all. I figure if she wantsto go I'd let her go and if she came back then she did. It hurts like hell to do it that way but I did and its water under the bridge right now.

Lately I can't shake the feeling that there is an affiar going on. This past weekend when I hadthe kids especially. On Monday I snooped through the trash (I am ashamed I have gotten this far down) and found a bottle of Margarita mix and a couple empty boxes of frozen appetizers. My wife was hme alone (or so she said) and I don't know how she could have gone through and entire bottle of the mix. I also noticed that our blender was out from where it normally was stored. I did drive by the house in the wee hours of Saturday night but there were no cars there and her truck was in the garage. I can't be sure if maybe she had one of her girlfriends over or if it was something else.

What is the best way to uncover an affair? I was thinking about sending her a geneic email from me saying something like " I got a call and know everything about whats going on, so theres no need to hide it any more etc..." and see if that propmts a response from her. But I don't want to LB if there wasn't an affair going on. I've been LB free fro sometime now. I also thought about following her around one day but not sure what that would turn up either. I can't afford a PI. DOes exposingthe affair help end it and help folks reconcile? I am so confused right now and need some good advice,. The margarita discovery really set me back on my heels so to speak. Should I just tell her that I can't trust her anymore without going into it and then break the contact except for the kids? What to do?

HAd my first session w/ Steve Harley this AM. Boy that was worth it. It helps to get a MB perspective straight from the source.

Yesterday we had some trouble at the kids school which required me to leave work and go home to be with my wife and kids. Part of the schools roof collapsed and fortunately no kids were injured but just shaken up a bit.

Once at home and after things got calmed down with the kids, we had an enjoyable afternoon and I played with my kids alot. Even got the wife to join in a game of horse (basketball). Also she invited me to stay for dinner (pizza) and spent the time after dinner playing with the kids and visiting with the whole family. Wife tried to casually seek me out wherever I was playing with kids and generate some small talk. Basically chatted but focused on the kids play. When we all sat down in our living room to play w/pets and chat we all had a great time.

Wifes body language was positive (crossed legs pointing at me, got on the floor close to me when playing w/dog etc.) When it got to be the girls bedtime, I thanked my wife for dinner and said goodbye to the kids. Everything ended on a positive note. So, I think I may have found my compass and that is focusing on the kids and being the best dad I can be to them right now.

I can't emphasize enough the benefit that speaking directly with Steve H. had. If you have questions its worththe money IMO.