Found out the events of this past Sat eve were that her female friend came over for the evening for drink and a movie. Daughter told me. Made me feel a lot better. So I guess I am back to the "no affair" thoughts. Steve H seemedto think tha there wasn't enough evidenceto point to an affair at this time, but maybe one in the past. He sure is full of good info.

what does SH say about signing the D next week? and sounds like you are doing a great job w/everything. prayers to you.

Well, basically its a done deal I have already signed the final decree its basically just has to have the judge sign it. I also found out that its a 60 day period in our state from the date of being served, so only about 40 have gone by so far. Best I can figure is that it now gonna be around 4/23 or thereabouts for the judge to sign.

Interesting development today. Again I snooped at email this lunch. I know that I am better than that and I promised myself that I wouldn't but I had a nagging quietion about something. I had found some digital pictures of our beautiful antique dining room set on a disk in the computer earlier.

I was wondering to myself whats up with this but figured that W was taking them for insurnace purposes for her upcoming move to her new house. Well come to find out that she plans on putting them on ebay (accordingto email. She would never part with these if there wasn't a very good reason, so she must need money for something.

Since I am paying for the divorce etc, the only thing I figure is that she needs the money for her downpayment on her new house and can't comeup with it unless she starts liquidating her prized possessions. As the BS I am finding it funny that the WS plan seems to be unravelling a bit. I mean it will probably work out for her in the long run, but its nice to see her squirm a bit. I know that sounds spiteful and probably is butafter all she's put me through I think its nice to finally figure out that she lies to me and that everything isn't my fault afterall. I guess I was getting to believe what she was saying about me and now I feel stronger somehow.

Its a wierd feeling. I don't wish her harm or malice I just think that maybe God is hearing my prayers afterall (I do believe he does its just soemtime you have your doubts). In a way since I love her so much, I feel sad for her that the fog is causing her to haveto resort to these extremes to execute her plan. Its a sad situation for her.

Now looking back the past few days I can see why she's nervous.It startsto make sense. Because of the divorce she had to list and sell our family home per the agreement thinking she had her new house all locked in and that it was a done deal. Evidently it wasn't and the new mortgage compnay is making her come up with a downpayment (I think best I can tell). So she starts to get the jitters that she can't get into the new house afterall unless she comes up with this downpayment now it seems. She also raised the asking price of our home when she always thought I was crazy for thinking I could ask the same amount and never get it! So now shes right where I originaly wanted to be on the sale price.

I hope God blocks her plans and those of the enemy so that it forces her to stay in our existing home and thereby forces her back to the bargaining table as far as reconcilliation efforts. Maybe thats why she's having the atty holding off in setting a date just in case she has to "cancel" the divorce to maintain a place to live for our family. I wouldn't know wether to rejoice, laugh or cry if that happens. probably all three at the same time if thats possible. Since she has to sell our home according to the decree. If she can't get into the new house, she'd have to stay in the old house. To stay in our existing home she'd have to drop the divorce.

Boy what a mess these WS get themselves into in that fog. I pray that this is Gods doing. I know that when God is in favor of what yo do everythng goes smoothly. If yo haveto force it its been my experience that its not God's will. I trust that God is working this that way. I pray so hard that he is. Her not qualifying for her new house is my ace in the hole also our home not selling would be the other ace. Please pray that God holds up the sale of our home and the sale of our furniture so that she can't execute her plan and she comes back to the bargaining table to give our family and marriage a second chance.

I tell you what though, I will certainly be wiser in the negotiations knowing that she can't be trusted. I used to trust her with everything. My eyes are opened now to her manipulations of me. I am still chnaging and improving myself as that needs to be done, but I can now see that she has a lot to work on too. Before I thought it was all me.

I would still welcome her with the unconditional love that I have for her and reconcile, but I can tell you that our relationship would have to change and it could be great after we got somethings ironed out like the manipulation, trust and honesty issues.

Thanks for listening and sorry for the long posts but it just kinda made my day.In a bittersweet way. I imagine that she will find a way to get what she wants, but I pray and ask you foks to also that God frustrates the plan of the enemy to break apart my Godly family.

Well, basically its a done deal I have already signed the final decree
Withdraw the papers.

Why is she getting custody?
Why don't you get custody & keep the house to live in with the kids?

She is putting stuff on eBay to sell?
Is she getting the house, and everything in it as well as the kids?

No I don't bring up the divorce Michelle Weienrs book recommended lettingteh WS bring up any talk of the relationship. I also think she is so headstrong that she wouldn't entertain the converstion. She blames me for evrythng that went wrong in our marraiage and her life. My 5 year old told me that mommy hates me and that I've ruined her entire life! Boy did that one hurt. I had a rough weekend dealing with all this BTW. I didn't have the kids and when i did see them at a soccer game this weekeend, I and thetwo little ones were having such a good time that W decidedto leave at halftime with them, leaving me with the D who was still playing in th game. I don't knw if it relatedto my having fun with them or not but it was kinda wierd.

I see know that she wants to hurt me any way she can and usingthe kids isn't beyond her. I don't think its a fully conscious deciosn I justhink that she has to paint me as a bad dad/husband and can't justify her selfish behavior when she sees teh kids having fun with me or me being nice to her and the family.

I think she has a lot of guilt since she realizes that she is screwing me royally inteh divorce, witholding the kids from me to a degree, sticking it to me finacially every chance she gets and generally being pretty mean usually. I tryto repsond only with kindness.

This weekend I asked her about what her idea of splitting up the furniture was and she snapped back that "the divorce papers say that I get everything in the house" and that she'd "leave me some stuff in the garage when she moves". When I aksed her about our bed, she said " well, yo don't expect me to sleep on teh floor do you?" But its ok for me ot to have any furniture I guess. So I think her anger at herself and guilt will catch up to her sooner or later.

I basically have come to the point you talk about. She has overdrawn her account so much thatat this point it hurst to love her so much. I think its best if I just get away from her and her anger if nothing else but for my peace.

I went on Anti-D's overthe weeeknd but didn't like the side effects so I stopped after two days. The withdrawl was such a downer. I felt so dispondent on Sund I had to have someone come over and be with me. I miss my kids so much. I miss my wife too but am starting to get angry (my taker) and think that if I am going to save the marraige I need to distance myself asap even though it will be very hard to do.

I think the conclusions she needs to find I can't help her with. She needs to figure it out on her own and look inside herself and stop blaming me for everything thats wrong in her life.
Chris,
i thought about the house, but I can't afford it. Nebraska is a no-fault state and if she wants a divorce she'll get it. As for custody I though the girls would be better off with thier mom. Again not that I'm a bad dad but I truly believe that she is a good mom and that we would reconcile one day. If I do a custody battle that will ruin any chance of that I'm afraid.

BEst I can figure is that she needs money for her down payment (ebay stuff). She told me last night that someone is coming over to put an offer in on our house. I basically just want thinsg to be over. I can't stand the ride right now. Too painful.

When I saw our doc for the anti-d's I told him about her behavior as he asked me why I was there to see him. He knows us both very well and could'nt believe what I told him. He said that he neded to get her in for a complete blood work up and maybe an MRI and Cat scan as a brain tumor can sometimes cause that kind of behaviour not to mention the Zoloft tha causes that kind of behaviour as well.

Its monday and I'm not doing to well, so everyone please pray for me today. Thanks

I called a mutula friend of ours and asked her to pray for me today that I was feeling quite blue and missed my family and kids. Well, she told me that W was quite confused about the whole thing and then went on to say that I needed to stop whining about not seeing the kids and my situation etc. I got really mad as thats not exactly what I called for and she was parroting stuff that wasn't true. Anyway, I knew she would tell my wife aboutthe call and sure enough W called a short time later.

I told my wife today that I wanted to know where I stood and that I thought I was getting mixed messages from her. It was the first time we talked about the relationship since the breakup. She said people don't file for divorce if they are interested in fixing things. I said Ok, I undertsand your answer then. I'll move on. She went on to say some other ambigious stuff and I just kept repeating that I undertstood her answer. She never came out and said anything more other than she said she's been working on the maraige for a longtime. I aknowledged that and just told her that I loved her more than she could ever know, asked her forgiveness for any pain I had caused her during the marriage and that I had taken my vows seriously before her and God.

I went on to say that I would not turn my back on my family or her. I told her that this was a great opportunity to have the marriage we've always dreamed of having and also we can keep our family together. I again told her that if she only knew how much I loved her and the girls she would someday understand why I am not fighting the divorce and instead setting her free despite the personal cost. She said she had to go and so we ended the call.

I am wondering if I should do a NC letter. Or should I just stick to my plan A and avoid contact w/o NC letter. I don't wantto appear whiny or needy which I think is how I came across today. I have to recoup though emtionally though.

sorry that your friend wasn't a support, that is truly unfortunate. still seek out those who are a support. Again, my same question, what does SH say about what's going on right now? prayers to you.

First, still tryingto do the 180 and plan A
Are you doing the 180 or Plan A?
You need to stick to one or the other, not both at the same time.

My 5 year old told me that mommy hates me and that I've ruined her entire life!
This is NOT good parenting and it is screwing up the kids!
NEITHER of you should be saying anything negative about the other, to the children or where the children may here you.

i thought about the house, but I can't afford it.
You are getting half of the equity then, correct?

BEst I can figure is that she needs money for her down payment (ebay stuff).
And you are getting half of the money for everything she sells, correct?

You are not just GIVING her everything, are you?

As for custody I though the girls would be better off with thier mom.
Why?

If I do a custody battle that will ruin any chance of that (reconciliation)I'm afraid.
Why do you think that? What people say and what people actually do, are very different, especially in divorces and affairs.

If you don't want a divorce, withdraw the papers.

Hi Chris,

As for the 180 v Plan A I've been tryingto work on both. Probably more of the plan A. I don't initiate any calls and have been tryingto move on with my life somewhat. I try not to bug her but am attentive to the kids when its my turn. Why can't you do both 180 Plan A since there was no infidelity in our case. I plan on moving into my own apt at the end ofte month. Till then I am staying with relatives. She is still in the house.

As for the house we split the equity when it sells. As for the furniture she rudely replied that "everythingin te house was hers according to the court docs" "shethen called back and apologized for being rude and explained that the furniture was going into our girls room and she was keepingour master bedroom bed. She has sold one set of sofa to a friend but probably not for much anyway. I've sold one of my cars without having to give her anything so I figure we're even.

Basically, I am not worried about the money issue. She'll be lucky to get anyone to buy it I think. If it does sell for lots of money then I'll bring it up with the Atty.

I am a good dad and don't want to fight a custody battle for personal reasons. Basically I want her to feel the stress of raising 4 girls on her own without my help so that she realizes just how much I actually did around the house. Right now everyone thinks she's supermom, so I'm contentto let her be that. She'll figure it out soon enough and then maybe appreciate me a little more and maybe help the reconcilliation efforts in the long run. If not, she'll just be stressed out all the time. Not my problem.

Basically, she blames me for everythng bad tha happened in her life and is unwilling to accept responsibility for some bad decsions she has made. I will always probably be the scapegoat until she figures it out. In the mean time, I think I need to stay the heck out of the way and let her stew without having me to blame. Honor my reponsibilities to the kids when possible but mainly let her lie in the bed she has made. What do you think will happen when reality sets in?

Roughroad,
SH says that she has an ideal vison of what she wants her life to be like and that I need to convince her thatshe can have that ideal life with me being a part of it to. Basically he said I need to focus on the kids making them the center of my world right now. Try to get her a copy of the HN/HRNeds book and basically stay out ofthe way. He said I will know that my efforts are having an effect when she satartsto get mad at me. She'll get mad because 1) She figured I could have changed all along and chose not to do so until now 2) Sees my changes and is now stuck with her decision. I wonder if the outburst I saw about the furniture was part of that. I didn't fight back, I basically agreed with her about the kids needing the furniture etc.

SH recommended staying in Plan A for the time being. How much contact should I have in Plan A?

thanks for answering, i was just curious to know if he thought you should sign the D papers or not and it's interesting to see that he still thinks you should plan A right now. but even though there are lots of similarities, each situation is unique in itself. wish you luck and prayers to you.

Well, I had signed the divorce papers a while back. W was the one who filed. I just wanted to let her go if thats what she wanted so I signed. I figured I ddin't wantto hold onto her if she didn't want to be in the marriage. Thats her call. Hurst like hell and I am trying to let go but since we still have contact over the sale of the house and the kids it makes it hard.

Like I said earlier, her friend said that she is confused but my W toldmetoday that, well I already wrote about that a couple posts up. So, maybe my just getingout of the way is the bestthing I can do. Its not like theres a lot else I can do. Since she is obviously confused I thinks its best to leave her along right now since she is seeking someone to pin all her blame and frustrations on. If I be the good dad that I am and just do the kid thing then I can't really get into too much trouble I guess. Like I said, its just hard as hell to stay busy and not think about the situation.
Once I get into my own place I hope that helps. Once she has to be supermom all summer I think that will help her too. Right now she is too busy badmouthing me to friends and too stubbornly sticking to her mindset. I'll just continue to be nice and not argue and go my own way. I think that along with the prayers is doing the most.

I mean if her freind was right and she is confused then thats at least something right. At least she is not 100% committed if she is still confused about what she is doing. Maybe I'm reading things into it, I don't know. I think if you think too much about it it will drive yo crazy. Thats why I think I'll just back off as far as I can as quickly as I can.

What the problem is and maybe someone can help is this: She knows that I want to see the kids more and makes me feel guilty when I don't take vacation time off of work to accomodate thier school vacation schedule. One reason she plays this game is that she can't get her work done if she has to have the kids all day. So she trys to push them off on me and then if I don't take vacation she says that I am not a good dad and don't want to see the kids, thus playing into her mindset that I'm a bad dad. Help with this one.

I think she also resents the fact that I have all this free time (yeah right) to go to the gym or whatever. No parental responsibilities anymore except on my weekends. Actually I work two jobs will be getting a third just to cover the child support and do go to the gym when I can for 1/2 hour for my stress. Still she sees me as having an easier time of it then her with the kids and complains about it to me. A fella can't win for losing ya know.

Basically I want her to feel the stress of raising 4 girls on her own without my help
Hmmm? So it's okay to put the kids in the middle?

She'll figure it out soon enough and then maybe appreciate me a little more and maybe help the reconcilliation efforts in the long run. If not, she'll just be stressed out all the time.
And get more upset with and at the kids.

Not my problem.
So raising the kids is a problem?

As for the house we split the equity when it sells.
Is this documented in court orders?
Can she sell the house for whatever she wants or do you both have to agree?

As for the furniture she rudely replied that "everythingin te house was hers according to the court docs"
Is it in the court docs?

"shethen called back and apologized for being rude and explained that the furniture was going into our girls room and she was keepingour master bedroom bed. She has sold one set of sofa to a friend but probably not for much anyway. I've sold one of my cars without having to give her anything so I figure we're even.
Until she decides that she wants half of what the car was worth.
You should do what you can to prevent her from getting rid of anything!

Chris, I think I give the wrong impression by my words. raising the kids insn't a problem for me. She just always blamed me for not being more involved with the kids, but I was too busy working. When I wasn't working I wasthere for the kids but she didn't want to see it. She has always just wanted to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to blame me all the time for not being there for the kids when I have to work for my family and then when I am there for the kids she says I don't do it right etc.

Then when I ask her to possibly change into a different job to alleviate some of the finacial stresses in our marriage she resents that notion too. So, now that she doesn't want me as a husband anymore she has to take the kids to work with her on thier days off from school. I don't have alot a sympathy for her since she can change her situation but chooses not to. She could agree to go to counseling again or work on the the marriage then she wouldn't have those stresses. But she won't. Instead she blames me for suggesting that or for not taking off from my job to spend time with them so she can work.

Its just that I am tired of being caught in the middle all the time and getting blamed no matter which way I go.Maybe I should do it so that I could meet her EN for that, I don't know. But then it kinda lets her have the best of both worlds. No comiitmentto a husband but yet one that will be there anytime she wants one. What do you think?

I don't ever want to put the kids in the middle at all, and they are in good hands when they are withher at work. Its justthat she complains that she can't get her work done. Like I said, Thats not my problem. She/We have day care available and she still chooses to work her same job and not putthem in day care. I don't particularly care for day care either but I didn't file the divorce and create this situation either. I think its time she came to some realizations thatthis is the situation she is creating maybe. I don't know maybe my thinking is way out of whack. The kids enjoy the place where she works (residental house on a lake) so its not like they are going to an office building or something. Like I said, maybe my thinking is off.

As for the house its in the decree that we split it and we both have to agree on the sale price. The court docs make loose reference to we get what items we currently had in our posession at the time of the hearing which was suitcase full of clothes for me and the house et al for her. I could fight it but again, I don't want to as its not gonna end up being that much and its nothing I can't replace cheaply. I'd spend more in Atty fees than what its worth in the long run. We had nice things but by no means rich or had a lot of nice furnishngs. Just yor basic middle class family. Give me yor two cents worth Chris.

Chris, I think I give the wrong impression by my words
No, I understand.
My questions are to get you to think.
I'm not doing it to question your abilities.
Unfiortunately, I have to leave and I will not be able to get back 'till Wednesday.

Maybe I should do it so that I could meet her EN for that, I don't know
I think you should do it for the kids.

But then it kinda lets her have the best of both worlds.
Your kids should be FIRST & FOREMOST before any of her needs or yours.