OK, I don't know if any other divorced women have experienced this, either recently or in the past. I have to say that I feel like the BIGGEST MAGNET for unavailable men these days. I went out on Saturday night with a friend of mine, and we met some nice men that we chatted with, etc., and I ended up dancing with the one guy most of the evening (it turns out that he is the varsity coach of a university baseball team in Denver, and is also the assistant athletic director....not bad). This guy seemed interested in me, and even kissed me good night. But wait, this gets better! I emailed the guy yesterday and told him that it was really nice to meet and talk to a nice, polite gentleman, and that I hoped he and his team made it home safely. He replys, and says....GUESS WHAT?? He is involved in relationship and is "very much a committed man". Yeah, I noticed that when he kissed me. But he hoped I wasn't mad and that I understood.

This kind of stuff makes me wonder....WHY does anyone think they want to be in a committed relationship?? I mean, the whole theory of "Out of sight, out of mind" seems to be the norm these days, as far as I can see...

Any thoughts??

Skip <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Yuck. What a creep.

He was actually saying he was married. They will not come out and admit they are married, but they will utter stupid foggy things like "I am in a committed r"...I've heard it too.

Congrats! You've kissed your first frog! I have not yet smooched a frog like that one yet..hope I don't.

But alas, there are alot of frogs. That one however, no matter how many times kissed, will never turn into a handsome prince. Poor frog princess back home.

Not all are like that and I am proof b/c I've dated some really nice cute guys. My best advice is don't kiss em' until after a date. That way you can kind of do a "frog triage" and find out all the good information to decide what is best and what exactly you want to do with the frog you're sitting across the dinner table from...Usually after conversing w/said frog, or frogette for our single men here, we can figure out warning signs or red flags that our date might be spoken for...That guy was out to meet somebody, score quick, and go back home. Serial cheater material if you ask me.

oh, but my xh is a frog just like that...

So, you never asked?

bp22...

No, didn't ask him, but looked at left hand to confirm no ring. He approached me at this dance club, so really we weren't on an official "date".

Still, it amazes me that a guy in a "committed" relationship would a) be in a dance club where he has to know there will be single available women there, and b) that a "committed" guy would approach, dance with, and kiss someone knowing that he's "committed".

I can only shake my head and say......WHATEVER.

skip

Hence, my distrust and dislike of the word "commitment" in any form. It is near meaningless.

And why oh why did he share his email address if he's in a committed relationship?

I asked all men. But, if I remember correctly, they sometimes lie. But only one did that I know of, he said he was divorced.

I used to ask if they were married, ever had been married, and if they had any children. A no to the first two questions did not stop the third, modern life being what it is.

These are essentials to know before any other contact information is given. Dancing... Well, I'd dance with married men if they were good dancers. And then, I'd go get my drink alone.

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

OK, maybe I need to clarify just a bit.

I went with a friend of mine to this club, and the guy and several of his friends were standing near us. When my friend went to the bar to get her drink, I stayed near our table, and this guy approached me. HE TALKED FIRST. He didn't say no to dancing. He slow danced twice. Told me over and over how nice I smelled. Stuff you would expect to hear from a guy if he liked you. For me, I haven't dated enough, either now or before being married, to not "fall into" stuff like that, and be too trusting.

The guy's email address was posted on the college's website; I sent him a note hoping he and his team made it home safely.

So....what's the deal? Do some of us just give off a vibe, or is there some invisible neon sign I have hanging above me, or what?

skip

No you don't give off vibes.
The guy was a toad. And unless you put them through the third degree, you have to assume from behavior like that that he's unmarried.

Pretty much that's what's out there.
We went out on Friday night and just watched the married men try to pick up women. Started talking to a guy who was interested in my friend, and his friend shows up.
Probably the best looking guy we've seen in this area in years. Well, it only took about 30 minutes to finally drag it out of him that he was married. It became a game. Oh, you have children. Yes. He aluded to a girlfriend or wife, but we kept on.
A really nice guy, and enlightened - but it still took a long time to drag it out of him.
Funny. I know some women are attracted to married men. Why bother?

So I am curious...why do you continue talking to the guy if you suspect he's married? You say it is like a game...dragging it out...why?

Why not just walk away long before it even becomes a game, once you know?

LMAO...Apparently I have MUCH to learn.

Actually it was a great conversation about relationships. His friend (D'd) was very interested in our friend, so he was just talking to us.
I can be friends with a man and have a conversation with someone even if they aren't dating material. It just struck us odd that he didn't offer it up without us dragging it out.
But he didn't hit on us either, just a nice conversation. And honest.
And you could tell he didn't enter the bar to "pick up" anyone, just went for a drink with a single friend, and we invited the friend to join us at our table.

But the pickins are scary out there. And I'm not a bar person, so I don't know how or if I'll meet anyone. For now, I'm happy with myself and enjoy goign out with friends.

Newly...

I agree with you 110% on going out with friends and being able to carry on a conversation with someone interesting, whether they're married or single...people watching can be a blast when you're out, especially if you stay sober and everyone else in the place has had a few. What an eye-opener!

This toad crossed the line. It was more than just casual conversation and one or two dances. He hung around us pretty much the whole time, and slow danced twice with me. He kissed me good night.

I will offer that everyone is tempted at one time or another in their lifetime, and when it happens, we all have to know our own boundaries, or learn them very quickly. My point on this particular thread was to offer that I personally am getting frustrated and SICK TO DEATH of being these guys' Litmus test to see how faithful they can be to their girlfriend/wife. And, knowing this, how is a person supposed to NOT be jaded going into a new relationship, as this seems to be "normal" (if there is such a thing)?

For me, like I said, I haven't really dated that much in my life, and I'm coming out of a 14 year marriage to XH with MAJOR trust issues anyways...and these creeps aren't helping matters.

skip

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me, like I said, I haven't really dated that much in my life, and I'm coming out of a 14 year marriage to XH with MAJOR trust issues anyways...and these creeps aren't helping matters.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, you admit you are a newbie and of little experience, so what's with all the apparent disgust? the world is filled wih lots of various different types of people. You never really know to whom you are talking to across the table at a nightclub or bar. .

first, you need to put on your student attitude, and study people. study interaction psychology and you will learn to see patterns. . . after studying it on here and in real life, it doesn't take me more than 5 minutes to figure out someone. and i had to do this all book style, because i went to all male board boarding school, and a male college, and worked in an all male career until the age of 30. . . if i can do it, so can you. what's going steady mean? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

second, whom are you really expecting to meet at a night club or bar? marriage material? that was your first mistake. the guy may or may not have been married. . he may have been out for a good time, and you provided the entertainment, your attitude was too serious, and his was too casual, but what i would expect for the location. take it as you were attractive to an attractive guy. . . i doubt you are a woof woof if he kissed you good night, which is really not a crime. . . .

you need to learn to live independently, and be able to just say, sorry, i'm not interested. . . to any guy, good looking or otherwise. . . be able to do that. . . that way, you have no expectations, but just want to be friends. .

yea, you read way too much into the event. . . just go out and have fun, and practice meeting people and figuring them out, what personality type they are, what careers they are. . .

with my current girlfriend, i told her right up front that i had made serious mistakes before. . . i use honesty as policy number one. and lack of assumptions and expectations as policy number two. . . i make no judgements, and mostly just observe. . . she told me that her vision of her next relationship was a two family apartment, side by side, and each one person has their own. . . ok, cool, she isn't looking for anybody, and i am not worthy of anyone, so we can be just friends. . .

so go out to practice meeting people, practice saying no, practice toying with ugly men. . . well, no, maybe not that far. . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

i really don't expect you are going to get married to the first person that asks you out, are you?? if you are, then you need some very serious counseling. . .

lighten up and enjoy life,. . . so the joke was on you this time, maybe it will be on him next time. . .

wiftty

a guy at home, divorced, no kids, went out on a blind date recently. . . he said he told the person that he couldn't make any commitments right now, due to his job. . .

on the first date?? he was telling her this. . . all you need to do is say that you are just interested in meeting people. . and making friends. . . getting all serious about expectations is like going out to purposely find a spouse, and so you might as well just put your picture on the internet and name and address. . .

geez, play detective with these guys. . and stop looking in nightclubs for husbands. .. people that go there to find mates aren't really good marriage material . . or at least in my book. ..

wiftty

BP22, you keep talking because it's kind of fun. Okay, it's an evil female kind of fun where we torture married men into finally admitting their married. But I've seen it done again and again.

My very gorgeous single friend specializes in the inquisitive torture method. She can hone onto a hidden piece of information like you wouldn't believe. And there she is, giving the guy a sweet, cute third degree. And he's squirming.

It's like watching reality tv. I half try to get her to quit, but I'm also amused, and am embarrassed because I find it funny.

To be honest though, D's got better radar than I do and she only tortures guys who are full of bs or who she's interested in.

It's the scientist in her.

OK...again....not mad, just clarifying.

1. I did not go out to the bar/nightclub "looking" for someone. Someone approached me, acted interested, I responded. Period. What upset me was that the guy that approached/danced with/kissed me KNEW when he walked into the place that he was "very much a committed man" (according to him), and yet went ahead with me. Momentary memory loss, or what? THAT was what got me. I was fully aware that anything with this guy would probably not go anywhere, as even if he would have been available, he still lived four hours away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> just go out and have fun, and practice meeting people and figuring them out, what personality type they are, what careers they are. . .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wifty, I DID go out with the attitude of "just having fun. I met this guy...who I did find out is the assistant athletic director and head coach of the varsity baseball team at this University in Denver. We talked about that stuff. I purposely physically LIFTED UP his left hand to verify NO WEDDING RING. That would have been a good time for him to say..."No, I'm not married, but I do have a girlfriend..." He did not.

Yes, I'll agree that stellar marriage material is not usually typically in the club. What it all boils down to for me personally is that I'm bugged by the fact that I choose to be upfront and honest with people, and most times I don't get that in return.

Make sense?

Skip

Well, I'd go as far as saying I've NEVER dated...since I picked my spouse at age 12, we were "steady" since 14, and now just getting divorced....there was the OW in 2000, but that's not dating per se...alhtough I guess sorta...

And there was two concerts in the fall I had bought tickets too...and figured mp22 and I shouldn't go, as I was no longer living there, so I went to see riverdance and 3 Irish tenors...but again, not really dating.

Anyways, by picking up his hand, you think you sent him a signal? Yeah, I'd probably notice it, and yeah, he probably did too, but why not flat out just ask? LOL

I don't know...I've NEVER been in a bar, club, etc. Most certainly NOT my place. Although I do notice looking for rings...LOL. But I know a few people who are married are wear no rings...although those are guys. My STBX wore her ring on the other hand...so you'd perhaps not know that either.

Glad you are having fun GreenGables...LOL. Me too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyways, by picking up his hand, you think you sent him a signal? Yeah, I'd probably notice it, and yeah, he probably did too, but why not flat out just ask? LOL
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">bp22....I assumed it would be a HUGE signal. But you know what it means when you assume often times.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know a few people who are married are wear no rings...although those are guys. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep...my ex fell into that category. Out of the 14 years we were married, I'd say he MAYBE wore a ring for three of them, and that's being generous.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> greengables
Member # 11924 posted March 16, 2004 01:36 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No you don't give off vibes.
The guy was a toad. And unless you put them through the third degree, you have to assume from behavior like that that he's unmarried.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So....since I didn't go the third degree route, I tried to go with the "gut feeling" based on behavior. Yes, I was wrong. Not the first time, and I'm sure it certainly won't be the last...

Despite this particular incident, I have, too, been having fun. It is a huge ego boost to dance all night long with several different people and then leave with the friend you came with. The key is to have a friend that you have a pact with, that you won't ever leave with someone else.

skip

If you want to know if they are married or in a serious relationship--ask them--it can easily be brought up in idle conversation over the course of the evening--

You could ask--so how long have you been divorced?

if the man is single/never married he will state that--

if he's divorced he'll tell you--

if he's married--he'll typically say--"Oh I'm not divorced" and will most likely tell you he's seperated--or how unhappy he is in his marriage--
but he'll know he's busted--

or ask how often he goes to the bar with his buddies leaving his wife home alone?

So how long have you been married?

Or you could even ask so how long have you and your girlfriend been together?

So there are lots of way's to find out the answer to the question even without coming right out and asking are they married or in a serious relationship--

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What it all boils down to for me personally is that I'm bugged by the fact that I choose to be upfront and honest with people, and most times I don't get that in return. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so, does this mean that because you are a certain way, that you expect others to be a certain way?

this is the action-reaction thinking that people have that generate unrealistic expectations, sort of a manipulation of reality. . doesn't happen. .

always assume you know nothing, and ask questions. . and then don't assume anything past hello that is truthful on the first introduction.. . . .

again, its your attitude, you started off right, and then it slid into unrealistic expectations. . . keep working on it. . .

wiftty