Hi All:

I`d like to share a letter I wrote recently to my x-wife. It regards taking full responsibility for my adultery. Writing this helped me so very much for it has eliminated my obsessive need to search for why it happened. When applying the Bible, any excuse or explanation is rendered as irrelevant. Adultery permits divorce, period. I would appreciate comments from other adulterers who are dealing with guilt from past actions. Have you taken responsibility in this way?

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Hi:

It is really important I say something to you which is long overdue. I think it may clarify something in your heart. Yesterday, in your text message, you wrote to me that due to my unfaithfulness, you HAD to divorce me. Well, I need to comment on this and say some things to you which are supported biblically.

Divorce

No Dear, you did not HAVE to divorce me, but indeed, you were perfectly justified in doing so. Regardless of what anyone says to you about your divorcing me, this tough decision of yours was fully backed up by the Bible. You see, according to the Bible, adultery is in a “sin league” of its own. It surpasses in seriousness such marital problems as addictions, physical abuse, and/or mental cruelty. Indeed, it is the one sin for which God permits divorce. So, Darling, truly, please don`t feel pressured by anyone (“religious person” or other) who may have condemned your decision to divorce! Ok?! But, please also understand and here is another key point. In the case of adultery, God “permits” divorce, but He does not “require” it. Therefore, no, you did not HAVE to divorce me. You were not “required” to do so. It was purely your own decision. It also says in the Bible that “God hates divorce”, so He actually prefers that married couples work out their problems and stay together if possible.

Forgiveness

God does, however, “require” us to forgive. There is no exception to this biblical rule. So if you have truly forgiven me in your heart, you are clear. And if you, understandably, find it hard to “forget” the pain I caused you, then my suggestion is frequent prayer, alone, or with other people. I want you to know I pray daily that the pain I caused you would be lifted from your heart and that you would feel fine again.

Darling, I hope these words could perhaps bring a sense of relief and peace to you. It must be difficult to feel that the people you Love have somehow been against you. At least you know now that God accepts your decision to divorce me. The pressure you have felt from “religious circles” therefore has not been God speaking to you, but rather something else.

As you know, I continue to hope and pray for our reconciliation, but if it never happens, I will accept it as God`s will. I have learned that what really matters is God`s will, not my own.

Do you feel better now?


Thinking of You with Love and Caring,

Standing in Finland

<small>[ March 17, 2004, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: StandingInFinland ]</small>

That was a deep emotional statement that you made to your wife. It shows that you do care very much about her, and still love her.

Your adultery, you admit was your sign of weakness, and that it was not justified. Yes, she choose to divorce you, and she had the choice to not divorce you. But you still show her that you are interested in reconcilliation, and that you do love her.

I am not the wayward spouse. But my XH was. He did not write a letter of the same context as you did. As you can see by his writing here on MB and to me, he justifies his adulterous life, and because he never (at least he says this) penetrated her, but did the Bill Clinton thing and everything else, he said he didn't have sex. Yes, he even told me that and the Harleys, that he didn't have sex. According to the bible, if one lusts for another while married to someone else, and one is naked in front of another while married to someone else. It is adultery. My X refuses to admit this, and still says to this day that he didn't have sex. He is the one in the wrong, and won't admit his fault.

So My X does not take responsibility for his adulterous life. He writes here on MB frequently that his affair was meant to be. So no, he does not take responsibility for his actions. And I still get called a FB when he gets mad at me, or I don't do what he says.

Standing,
Though I have admitted, apologized, asked for forgiveness, poured my heart out, and feel incredible guilt for what I have done, I have never nor don't think I ever could write a letter so touching as yours. I want you to know, as I am the one that had the A (we are now divorced and I am doing my best to wait for her decision to reconcile) your letter is the way I would hope to be able to communicate to my X.

She has told me she felt God told her to get the divorce and when you refer to her right to do so, it broke my heart to think of, not only what I put my X through, but was yours must have went through as well. Why we do these things to the people we love the most I'll never know but thank God every day for the mercy that women show to men like me.

I would like to show your letter to my X. I promise I will give you full credit but will not do so unless I have your permission.

(I'm new at this so but have seen others do it so I'm going to try)
-------------------------------------------------
Seperated 8/03 ("issues")
X found out about A (Dday?) 11/03
Divorced 1/04

RR2,

Please, by all means, share my words with your x-wife if it might help her. Give God the credit.

Standing in Finland

Faith:

Your husband gave into temptation and committed adultery. As you describe it, it cannot be called anything else. If it looks like it, smells like it.. well you know the rest. I am curious why he is reluctant to call it what it is. Is there still an issue regarding who is to blame for your divorce? Why does that matter to him? I maintain that you were justified to divorce him, but God would have preferred for you both to work things out. Have you forgiven your husband? Until you do, it will be hard for you to move on into another relationship, if that is what you want.

Again, I `ll say that taking responsibility is so relieving. It does not mean my life is over. It does not make me a bad person. I sinned like all people do and I have been forgiven. In the process, sadly, I lost the "second" (God is 1) most valuable relationship I have. Someday, perhaps she and I will find common ground to try again. This is what I will continue to pray for.

Standing in Finland

HI there,

I read your letter and it's very similar to what my ex h use to say to me. I thought I'd give you some insight to what she may be feeling.

I used to feel that my H was still taking a wholier than thow attitude by pulling the "forgiveness card" on me.

*I forgive you for letting me down, you have to forgive me for cheating*

I hated it.

If she doesn't respond as the people on this thread have, I would supsect she feels you are judging her for not forgiving.

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: so hurt ]</small>

StandingInFinland,

I have been both betrayed and betrayer. Your letter to your wife sounds to me like pure unadulterated bull$--t. It is a mile wide and an inch deep, all hat, no cowboy.

Have you tried reading any of Dr. Harley's articles on adultry? If you had you would recognize that adultry is probably the cruelest form of spousal abuse. Your letter sounds like you don't have a clue just how ugly and irresponsible adultry is, as though you were able to do it without concern for the excruciating psychological and emotional pain that it caused for your spouse.

Regretably, there is no way you can know the pain of adultry until it happens to you. If your wife chose to divorce you, she was no more selfish than you were when you decided to betray her trust.

I feel for you, but I don't think this letter will change her decision. It sounds like it is time for you to do a little soul searching and think about going on without her.

Hi Bumper:

Everyone has an opinion and I respect yours.

But tell me though. Aren`t many of us here to try rebuilding their relationships. What does does one do when they are still deeply in Love? In your view, must all adultery result in divorce? Are there any cases out there of reconiliation and stronger marriage after adultery? I am willing to bet there are and I am here to learn.

I cannot change the past. I cheated and inflicted terrible pain upon my wife with my selfishness. I don`t know what more I can do but admit it, take responsibility for it, and wish her well in her life whatever she chooses. This I do. I don`t pressure her. I pray for her. I talk gently to her. I am kind and friendly to her. I also honor my role as a father.

Why I committed adultery is no longer important in God`s eyes. I did it and my wife chose to divorce me. I accept this. I have taken responsibility. I do pray that she forgive me because the Bible requires us all to forgive. It is no use for you and I to debate this. It is just a fact of Christian life.

To be honest, I don`t really understand your attitude. Why are you anti-reconciliation? Does anyone else understand Bumper`s attitude?


Standing in Finland

Hello So Hurt:

Actually, my x wife has not yet responded to my letter. I pray that it will help her. That was my intent. I understand your point of view though. It may seem like I am taking the holy high road. That was not my intent. But what I wrote is what I really believe. For many many months, I kept searching for rationalizations for my adultery. "She did this", or "this was done to me", "blah, blah, blah". How wonderful it is to just accept the consequence of my sin!! Now my focus can be upon praying that my x-wife will heal. She had told me that she has forgiven me, but I can see that her pain is still very great. It hurts so much to hurt someone you Love. Thank you for the woman`s perspective. I really have tried to understand what adultery does to a woman. I care so much. I want to reach an even deeper understanding. Please women, tell me, what does adultery do a woman?

Standing in Finland

Deleted double post

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 09:30 PM: Message edited by: Bumperii ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StandingInFinland:
<strong> Hi Bumper:

Why I committed adultery is no longer important in God`s eyes.

Why are you anti-reconciliation? Does anyone else understand Bumper`s attitude?


Standing in Finland </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, I'm not anti re-conciliation. I'm totally at loss to explain how you could have gotten that from my post. Most of us here were truely trying for reconcillation before we came to this board. If you are sincerely interested in reconcillation, may I suggest that you spend some time studying Dr. Harley's articles on that subject, and that your aims will be better served on other forums.

I'm sorry, but I just don't see the sincerity anywhere in your post, certainly not in your letter to your ex wife. There certainly isn't much humility in your self professed knowledge of what is or is not meaningful to God.

Adultry does not of neccessity have to result in the end of a marriage. But you can't put the marriage back together by yourself, it takes two.
And I don't think you can change your ex wife's mind by preaching to her. That is why I was hoping you would read some of Dr. Harley's articles.

Yes a lot of marriages do become stronger after an incident of adultry. But it takes true remorse, something which cheaters may claim, but rarely ever experience. The approach of a truely remorseful offender is to repent, to change your ways, and to compensate one's spouse for the pain.

My friend, that requires a whole lot of compensation, adultry is a GREAT BIG OFFENSE. Unfortunately your letter doesn't mention compensation, it borders on a guilt trip suggesting that you have decided that God requires her to forgive you. My, my, isn't that special!

When your wife thinks about reconcillation, she has to ask, "What's in it for me." Your letter doesn't answer that question. Your letter to her does not address the issue. It comes across as you lecturing her that forgiveness is owed to you.

God does, however, “require” us to forgive. There is no exception to this biblical rule.

That quote is absolute nonsense and suggests that your knowledge of the Bible is quite limited. There are dozens of exceptions in both Leviticus and Deuteronomy.

That my friend is what prompted me to say that your letter is a mile wide and an inch deep. You seem to be referring to that part of the Bible that serves your purposes, and it probably won't work, in fact it may cause your ex wife to further distance herself from you. Be careful when you lecture another person using the Bible as a reference, for as Shakespeare put it, "the devil can cite scripture to his own purpose." If you really know your Bible, you also know exactly where that happened. (Matthew)

My friend, I sincerely pray that you are able to effect a reconcillation. You just don't sound like someone sincerely seeking help, rather you are looking for someone to tell you that you are right.

I think you are going about reconcillation all wrong. You sound like you want help, but you want it on your terms. It just doesn't work that way. Please, read some of Dr. Harley's articles, and read some of the posts in the forums where people have experience with successful reconcillations. Like many others here, I am an admitted failure at reconcillation.

I am also for reconciliation and think that for some it could happen...for others "nada".

What I look at in this is the purpose of the letter writing. Was it for her to search and think or was it an attempt to make her feel guilty for divorcing him and manipulate her into a different way of thinking...thus doing what he wants her to do.

I still think before you sent it you should have asked our opinions b/c it seems a bit contrived and too much of a "let me slap you in your face with my Bible" approach I see alot here.

I am a woman who has faith but I show it by my actions in life. Words are cheap and so is paper. Actions are the watermark. If you want your xw to see you are different, see how she has another option (reconcile with you) then you have to DO THAT BY GIVING HER EXAMPLES TO SEE.

I probably wouldn't respond very good if I were sent a letter like that being a BS. You say in the letter how it doesn't matter why you had the affairs...well to the BS it does matter. It makes us feel used and lowers our self esteem ok? It is very cruel and is the lowest form of treatment you can give somebody else unless you count physical abuse...I feel that the pain an affair inflicts upon somebody is definitely under the category of emotional abuse btw.

If I were your x, I'd rip it up and tell you to "walk the walk and not talk the talk". Invest time in ways that can show your x you mean business and that YOU ARE REMORSEFUL and how YOU LET HER DOWN EMOTIONALLY AS A HUSBAND WHEN YOU HAD THE AFFAIRS rather than spending valuable time writing letters and spouting religious dogma.

For example, my former FIL had at least 5 long term affairs on my former MIL. Last one blew up right as I was separating from my now xh due to his adultery and repeated and unremorseful adultery...I remember going to a church and seeing my FIL make a "public profession of his faith" and get rebaptized in front of the sun. morning congregation. I also remember how 3 weeks earlier he tried to manipulate the whole family by threatening suicide with a shotgun...he was a deacon and now we know he's a master of manipulation and no wonder how his son ended up like he is now. If you were to meet the man today, he'd pretend his affairs (last one for 2 years with his client and was so serious he was making plans to leave his own family for her..even ate sunday dinners with her family and children) never existed, that he never had the county police break down the front door when he was threating to kill himself (his w wanted to leave him)..It's like he has selective amnesia and totally downplays his involvement whatsoever in the breakdown of this family.

I have come to believe that many cheaters and former cheaters are really great at manipulation. If you are really changed and are different and have renewed faith, then live it and prove it through your actions.

I would suggest you sending a brief email or IM saying to "meet you in the park" or somewhere and do something totally unselfish of you. Do something very pro MB. Talk to her about herself. Her goals. Her interests.

Bumperii was right on when writing about how she's got to see "what's in it for her" and should SEE it instead of READING it.

MB is learning how to meet the EN's of the other person in your life. Not about meeting self's own needs. Usually we're pretty good doing that part.

I suggest reading HN HN. And also learning about women and how we think. How we feel. How we are hurt. While you may feel betrayed when she left you for another, it was out of her raw and deep pain your multiple affairs had in her life. I can totally understand that. And while you may feel that she didn't have to divorce you, she did.

I think you need to post alot on A/B and learn alot about plan A and read about EN's.

Flies like honey, not vinegar.

Also discover what suddenly made you realize you wanted her back? She discovered your affairs, wanted out and left. Then she filed immediately for divorce and then you want her back. Have you searched your soul and thought about why you want her back? Have you fixed the problems you made in the marriage yet? If you're going to reconcile, you DO NOT TELL THE OTHER XSPOUSE THAT THEY SHOULD TAKE YOU BACK BECAUSE GOD SAYS THEY SHOULD OR THAT THE ALMIGHTY LEAVES IT AS A POSSIBLE SOLUTION. Nope. That will only make her run FURTHER AWAY FROM YOU.

You learn about her. Who she is now. Why and what she felt. What Emotional Needs are her top priorities to be met and how can you do it best. You quit suggesting what she should do and instead take a genuine interest in her now and who she is and make heartfelt amends for your actions.

And you must do it from the standpoint of knowing that despite all, she may have had enough. It takes 2 people to make a marriage.

YOUR BEST CHANCE OF WINNING HER BACK IS SIMPLE. Take interest in her, Lose interest in your self or your own desires for reconciliation. When she sees real action on your behalf, real change, and feels NO PRESSURE OR MANIPULATION from you, you might get a positive response.

Einstein once said that the real definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect the outcome to be different.

Your outcome one year later isn't want you have wanted. I say change the things you are doing ok? Makes sense to me.

Beautifully said Peachy! Sure wish I had your way with words. You are able to speak the truth with kindness and gentleness.

I read this post and I too thought what a load of garbage you have written. When you posted your letter were you looking for people here to say what a great guy? If you wanted approval cared what anyone thought or sought advice then you should have posted it before giving it to your W.

You do not sound the least bit remorseful for your A. If My H ever wrote me such a letter I would want to slap him silly. Then I would head for the hills and get away from him as fast as I could. You sound similar both a pair of control freaks.

I hope for her sake she doesn't answer you and has learnt something from this experience. I think too it is time you learnt what love is and start thinking of someone other than yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with her.

Hmm. Standing, when your ex said that she “had to divorce you” did she specifically state that the Bible required her to?

Did she say that in English? Or Finnish? Because there may be subtleties that don’t translate.

I think your whole premise may be off. We use the words “have to” very loosely in the English language. Really all we “have” to do is die. Everything else is a choice.

Your ex-wife may have meant that in order to protect her happiness, her sanity, her self-respect, she found it necessary to divorce you.

If that’s the case, hitting upside the head with Biblical references probably would back fire. And worse, people that have had religious teachings used against them often turn against the institutions.

Hey, I’m one of them and all it took was the pastor telling me I had to be more loving, more giving, more forgiving, more understanding, less selfish, less concerned about my happiness, etc. And finally I had had enough, and I haven’t set foot in a regular church service since. Weddings and funerals only, please.

Hi All:

I am here to learn and thank you each for your opinions. Really I mean this.

In all honesty, my letter to her had no ulterior motive. I really thought I was doing the right thing. It came from my heart. Making someone here at MB think that I am a good man or a bad man was not at all the intent. It is just that I wanted to share with this forum something very deep and personal; a kind of emotional quantum leap for me. A local Pastor helped me see this when he reminded and reinforced within me the seriousness of adultery and how God considers it to be ample grounds for divorce. This stopped me in my tracks and made me realize that in the end, it doesn`t matter whether it was a one hour stand or a ten year affair, it was adultery. It was selfish. It was wrong and there are consequences. Yes, I have repented to her sincerely and fully. And I have made recognizable changes in my life. But as I wrote, for more than 1.5 years, I had been trying to rationalize why I might have committed adultery. I analyzed my childhood, her childhood, our teenage lives, our courtship years, and our married years. I considered all the pressures we faced and kept looking for reasons why I stepped over the edge. Finally, the Pastor made me see that this has all been futile. What`s done is done! I must now accept the consequences.

So I tried to communicate this sentiment in the letter. My true intent was to ease her pain and the pressure she has felt upon her shoulders. For so long, she has been questioned by many people in our circle regarding her pursuit of divorce. Many of our friends and family have recommended for her to give me a second chance and to at least try counselling. Her refusal has caused her tremendous guilt and I wanted somehow to ease this for her. I do not want her to suffer. I love her. I want her to move on in her new life happily. My intent was not to "command her" to forgive me by being holier than her. Forgiveness is between her and God. I was only sharing with her my understanding of the Bible where God states that in order to be forgiven, we must forgive others. Don`t I at least have this right? Of course, I hope that she can forgive and feel relief, but I am not telling her that she "has to" forgive me. It would just be unhealthy for her to carry this bitterness all her life.

As for our reconciliation, it is still what I hope and pray for but I know it is a long long road, and I fully understand that I must prove to her that I have changed with consistent actions. I must also prove with action that it would be in her best interest to try again. I think I can already make a case that it would be best for our two children, but convincing her that it would be best for her will take much more time. She must fall in love with me once again. She must feel confident that I will be able to meet her emotional needs long term. She must trust me again and this takes time.

I am open to all suggestions, except one. I will not give up on my marriage until she commits herself to another man I am standing for my marriage at least until then. If there are other standers out there, please let`s unite and discuss. Perhaps divorced/divorcing is not the right group for me?

Standing in Finland

Standing, I suggest you cut and paste your explanation to us and send it to your ex-wife. That sounded much more sincere! And warm and generous.

Sometimes, when we feel ourselves to be at our most magnanimous, we actually appear as selfish and manipulative.

Standing,

You still aren't quite there yet, But this version certainly sounds a lot better than the first. And you are right, before you can reconcile you need her to fall in love with you again.

Which means you have to make yourself very loveable. You have to do the things for the rest of your life to make her fall in love with you every day. That means changing from doing the things you think she wants to doing the things she really wants, fulfilling her emotional needs. And don't expect her to trust you for several years if ever. Dr. Harley has a good article for you to read posted on this site. It is one of the articles concerning infidelity.

The point I want to make here is that you cannot change your ex wife. You can only change you and what you are doing. The reconcillation you seek cannot merely be accomplished, it is a lifelong goal. You might want to start out with lots and lots of respect and kindness.

Let me share with you one little secret:

The hardest thing I ever had to do was change my own attitude.

Convincing others I had changed was childsplay, the real change was a long time coming.

Dear Standing,

It has taken me some time to respond to your post because I continue to think about it. Some time ago you had responded to a post of mine and just when I thought of giving up, I considered trying harder to save our marriage ( more correctly, begin to build a marriage from scratch after being married 15 years to this man -we have two children, he has had many A-s).

If I were your FW, I would want to know what you feel was your impetus for leaving the marriage ie. having the affaires.

Have you asked her what it would take for her to even reconsider reconciliation? Or if you are not even able to approach that subject with her, can you ask what it would take for her to consider having lunch with you?

Perhaps she doesn't feel safe enough with you to do that, so suggest that she bring a friend that she trusts to hear what you have to say to her. This will prove to her that you will be accountable for your future actions and statements.

If she does not feel safe with you, this means to me that she feels you are able to manipulate circumstances to achieve your goals. My H does this to perfection. I can never feel safe with him because he always twists the facts around to prove his point and make me feel guilty.

When you said she text messaged you, it seems that she does not want to be put into a position of vulnerability. She may not even want to speak with you because of that.
I would explain to her that you would like to consider counseling for you both (even as a divorced couple).


It sounds like you are a highly intelligent person. However, with this intelligence, you were also able to cultivate a secret life that had nothing to do with your marriage. Your FW perhaps is so afraid of being hurt by you again that, at this point, she may need to see that you acknowledge the fact that you were able to deceive her into believing that nothing was going on. Once she recognizes that you understand HOW you hurt her, perhaps she will be willing to watch and listen to what you propose as a different approach to your marriage. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, how you will do, as Dr. Phil says, "Whatever it takes" (listen carefully to her) to rebuild trust and rebuild a marriage.

God always has a reason for putting us on a particular path.

Sincerely, Pariskev