I came home tonite and the papers were taped to the front door. H filed papers with total disregard for what we had talked about. He wants sole custody of 10yo DS, child support, to sell the house to pay for debts, and 1/2 my retirement. I am so angry right now I could kill him. I called to ask why he had filed papers the way he did and his answer was that he had had it with our situation...he wanted out the fastest way possible. Can he really do this ? Anyone out there?

I don't know your whole story, but yes, he can file.
And the courts may grant him temporary custody and support if he's requested it.
In my state, I think you have 30 days to answer, so get a lawyer, or get to legal aid to respond.

Know in advance what you want from the D (if that's what you want). Consider your response as your first offer for custody and support. It's likely they'll be alot of negotiation.
People only want to decide this once, so whatever isagreed upon now, holds until your daughter is emancipated.

Take a bit of time and deal with the hurt and anger, talk to friends and family THEN EDUCATE YOURSELFASAP.

Divorce laws differ from state to state so get on google and type in "divorce + the name of your state". There are excellent sites on the net... womansdivorce, divorcesource, American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers plus the one in the signature of this email.

It's worth it to check out "father-centered" sites to see their side- mensdefense (.org) and acfc (.org).

The more you know about the system, what you want, and what you want for the future the easier it will be to choose the right lawyer for you.

While I don't know your situation, knowledge can be very empowering!

Dear MMQ,

A prime purpose of my posting to you is to encourage you in the self-improvement work that you have done for yourself, and the progress you have made. I have read some of your posts on other threads. It seems that you feel you have made substantial progress. Sometimes when one partner improves, the other partner has difficulty adjusting to the improvements. With your improvements, you may need to develop some different approaches to congeniality and cooperation.

Certainly Newly's suggestion that you need to get legal advice on handling your divorce, is good advice.

It apears that your husband is willing to consider joint counseling with you in some context.

Have you considered taking any parenting courses together? It seems that your 10 yo son is a mutual interst that you have. My wife and I used to get closer after parenting classes. Counseling sessions with my wife seemed to often deteriorate into blaming sessions, with more deeper hurt feelings afterward. Parenting classes let us look at our challenges with a fresh, mutual approach.

Newly asked you what you would like from the divorce, and explained that it is a bargaining process where each side asks for more than what they deserve, then eventually arrive at a compromise, or a trial.

Band members often socialize after the playing time is over. Are you available to spend time with your husband once the band is finished for the night? Can you take a nap after work, and then spend some time with him after he finishes playing?

You have not mentioned 180 Degree Divorce Busters, under Negoitating. Have you been trying Plan A? Has Plan A worked sometimes, and not other times?

I am reading Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend, it seems that a strategy when your husband is cold, or blaming might be helpful to have in mind. Those examples would be over-stepping into your personal space of self-confidence feelings.

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Thank you all for responding.
I had my free 30minute consultation with a lawyer. He suggested that I file the 'answer to the petition for the dissolution' first. Then get together with STBX and 'iron out' the terms.
So, that's what I'm doing. I have been on the internet all day (when teaching duties allowed) printing out free legalforms. However that particular form (the answer) is not available.
Does anybody have the form and the verbage associatyed with it?
I got 'the respondent admits/denies allegation(s) in paragraph #s' completed. I'm stuck on the ending.

Maybe something like: Respondent further prays for such other relief as the Court may consider and Order.

The idea being that you want to ask for what you want, and, in addition, whatever else you might think of later.

Maybe if you had not already put it in, Respondent requests sole custody of 10 year old son, clear title to the home and all personal properety and automobiles, and $x per month for alimony, and $Y per month for child support, and payment of all attorney fees.

In the alternative, Respondent requests visitation orderd for 2 days on weekends, all holidays and Summers.

Respondent further requests a delay in the proceedings until Petitioner has arranged and completed a parenting course, acceptable to the respondent to minimize any adverse impact on 10 year old son.

Law School libraries are often open till 11 PM at night. If you stop by the Clerk of Court, you can look at other divorce cases files, and see how they did it in your jurisdiciton. Maybe you can get another Lawyer referral appointment with a lawyer to look over your Answer, to see what could be added. Of course, it would be better to have your own attorney. Is there a legal aid office for whith you might qualify?

Whaler, thanks a lot. I will save your suggestions for the near future.
I finished the response with:
Allow the parties adequate time to mediate custody and support of the minor child:
Allow the parties adequate time to mediate the division and distribution of assets and debts:
Deny the release of the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage.
AND I went to the bank and notarized it today – the vernal equinox and the astrological New Year! I will file it on Monday, before I sit down to speak to STBX.
I don't qualify for Legal Aid, but if a lead on a 'barracuda' lawyer does not pan out, I will pay the $30.00 consultaton fee with a lawyer from the Bar Association.
Here’s an interesting tidbit. I ran into the boyfriend of the OW. He and I have had 2-3 conversations about the relationship between OW and STBX. He has been seeing, lunching and going over to OW’s house in an attempt to rekindle their romance. OW is the one that initiates all the contacts. OW and my STBX are going to NYC next month, which may explain the ‘rush’ for the D. He has not told her about our conversations and does not want me saying anything to STBX. I’m feeling like STBX should realize that he is being "two-timed". What do you think?

Newly and Equalmar,
Thanks for your responses. I typed up and notarized my response today and will file it on Monday.
I have been reading Your Divorce Advisor by Mercer and Pruett & What Every Woman Should Know About Divorce and Custody by Smith and Abrahms.
NO, I don’t want the divorce but what else can I do? For the past 15 months I have tried to be nice, communicative, respectful and yes, even alluring. I’ve been working on my relationships with my sons and myself. Yet, all I’ve gotten back from H are LB’s. And now with the latest incident of serving the papers and having written them in the manner in which he did – I am so angry I can scratch his eyes out.
Thanks again! MB is certainly a lifeline.

Newly and Equalmar,
Thanks for your responses. I typed up and notarized my response today and will file it on Monday.
I have been reading Your Divorce Advisor by Mercer and Pruett & What Every Woman Should Know About Divorce and Custody by Smith and Abrahms.
NO, I don’t want the divorce but what else can I do? For the past 15 months I have tried to be nice, communicative, respectful and yes, even alluring. I’ve been working on my relationships with my sons and myself. Yet, all I’ve gotten back from H are LB’s. And now with the latest incident of serving the papers and having written them in the manner in which he did – I am so angry I can scratch his eyes out.
Thanks again! MB is certainly a lifeline.

Newly and Equalmar,
Thanks for your responses. I typed up and notarized my response today and will file it on Monday.
I have been reading Your Divorce Advisor by Mercer and Pruett & What Every Woman Should Know About Divorce and Custody by Smith and Abrahms.
NO, I don’t want the divorce but what else can I do? For the past 15 months I have tried to be nice, communicative, respectful and yes, even alluring. I’ve been working on my relationships with my sons and myself. Yet, all I’ve gotten back from H are LB’s. And now with the latest incident of serving the papers and having written them in the manner in which he did – I am so angry I can scratch his eyes out.
Thanks again! MB is certainly a lifeline.

Whaler,
I have not been able to find:
180 Degree Divorce Busters, under Negoitating.
Do you have the URL?
Thanks

Whaler,
I have not been able to find:
180 Degree Divorce Busters, under Negoitating.
Do you have the URL?
Thanks

180 Degree Divorce Busters was last updated March 4, 1004. Over 10 days ago. It is under Negotiating in Marriage, started by TooMuchCoffeeMan. Change 10 days to 20 days, and click the GO button to the right of the Days box.

This is an attempt at the link: 180 Degree Divorce Buster Thread

You could probably drive your husband nuts by asking for all sorts of delays. Motions for a continuance or extension of time don't really cost much legal time, on your side. You could just keep filing pro-se, until you really needed a lawyer, when the continuance finrally get denied. You can tell the judge you are trying to find an affordable lawyer. That should be good for several months, maybe.

Have you ever heard of a suit for Alienation of Affection? It seems you have an ally in the boy friend. You would actually like him to win OW back. It seems your ally could give you excellent info for a PI to get some insinuating pictures, and comentary, if not movies.

PI's can be expensive if they have to dig up all the schedules, but if you can give the PI times and locations, a PI can be cheap and effective.

You have quite a chunk of power with your association with the boy friend. I wish I knew what was the best way to use that situation. That can be used wisely, or squandered fruitlessly. How will you resist the temptation to throw the information into your wayward husband's face?

There is a whole MB section on infidelity and how some others have gotten marriages back together. SAA, Surviving an Affair is a book that many posters rave about.

There is another website entitled "divorcebusting.com" I have not read much on it, but it might be a resource. Divorce Busting

I am personally finding some benefit in coninuing to work on my Boundaries books and ideas. My wife can't defend her boundaries in some situations, and well meaning people end up over-influencing my wife, so our marriage is adversely impacted. My exercise for my wife is, "Pretend you are asking someone for ideas of how you can change, but you are not committing to make the change, just consider it." I have not yet gotten my wife to enter into a role-play with me. But I feel like I may break through in a week or three.

<small>[ March 20, 2004, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Thanks for the post.
I'm retyping the release on Monday before I file it. I'm taking Newly's post (and yours) to heart. What I really want is the opportunity to attend MC to try to revive this marriage. H will not be happy. But the response is the opportunity to state clearly what I want., is it not? H should have played fair.
Thanks for the links.
BTW,what's your story?

Dear MMQ,

Thanks for asking about my story. I am on Page 48 of the Boundaries in Marriage book by Cloud and Townsend. For that book, it seems best to read it page by page. Usualy I skip around reading a book.

I'm feeling that my wife does not sufficiently respect my requests for boundaries, or the POJA bundaries of the marriage. I also feel that my wife undercuts various concepts that I try to implement with my collge age, ADHD ODD son who is living at home, taking some junior college classes.

Hope you have received adequate assurances that you have protected your rights and privileges in relation to the papers filed by your husband. Have you made any progress on our other goals, or have you modified your goals in any way to allow yourself to be less restless?

Best wishes