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Joined: Feb 2002
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suedj39 Offline OP
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What do you all think of my husbands new hobby? Do you all think it's normal. Yes, since he started visiting these sites, our sex life has died. I guess he's taking care of his needs himself. He looks at them while I am at the gym and I guess while I'm at work. The worst part of it all to me is that we have two teenage daughters and that seems to be the pages that he's most attracted to. Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks, Sue

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Sue,

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Sue,

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Sue,
I can only imagine the pain and fear you must feel. No it is not normal or right for men to look at these sites, and you must not blame yourself. From what you say it sounds like your sex life dying is not your wish, but his. If sex was a problem this is not the way to deal with it, and certainly is not the answer.<p>Since I am a man I know the lure these sites have on men, but I also know that sometime the issue is not lust per se, but deeper needs that a person is medicating with porn. When men or women are aroused part of what is happening is a release of brain chemicals that are more powerful than morphine. They are called endorphines, and they take away the inner pain and hurt. Other addictive behaviors do this as well, even addictive shopping or binge eating. <p>I am not saying that if your H is self medicating then you are the cause. Please don't misunderstand me here. But it may be that his actions are not just plain lust, but something far deeper. Part of this may be anger at you, just or unjust. The only way to know is of he will open up.<p>The problem with any addictive behavior is that the addiction is to our own chemistry. We seek relief from the pain, then when the relief wears off we have added guilt and shame, or their opposite - numbness - that drive us right back to the same behavior to get relief. It is interesting that studies have shown that our endorphines are more addicting, more powerful, and cause more profund suffering when withdrawn than does morphine. A good book on this is called "An Affair of the Mind" byt Laurie Hall, I think. Her husband was addicted to porn, and this is her story of their recovery.<p>How to help now is the question. First, it might be better not to back him into a corner and demand he stop. That may need to be done later, but for now it might be a good idea to try to talk to him and help him open up. You cannot demand this, you can only try to make him feel safe enough to do this. What were your favorite things to do together? Maybe doing one of these things would help him to be more open. It is too hard to say from here and with so little info what is best, so these are only suggestions.<p>IF you are a Christian you probably know the story of Jesus and the Samaratin woman at the well. IT is found in the Gospel of John, chapter 4. This woman was married many times, and was now livign with a man. Jesus did not condemn her or demand that she end this. Rather, he went to the real issue - the thirst in her soul. Ending her immorality would not have solved her soul thirst, and she would have found another addictive sinful behavior to ease her inner emptiness.<p>All that I have said assumes that your husband is self medicating some loss or pain, and this is certainly not the only reason for porn, but I think it is a prevelant one. I hope this helps.<p>Rich<p>[ February 02, 2002: Message edited by: rjd ]</p>

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I am going to hyperlink two threads that I just replied to about very similar topics:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=5&t=001801
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=5&t=001803<p>In these two threads, you will find hyperlinks to other current threads and some websites with information on your H's 'new hobby'.<p>After you have gone through the above, please feel free to reply on this thread. I will check back and others will reply.<p>Good luck,<p>Trying Again and Again

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See www.health24.co.za and click on cybershrink<p>He answers your questions sufficiently and quickly<p>Carol

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See www.health24.co.za and click on cybershrink<p>He answers your questions sufficiently and quickly<p>Carol

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Hi Sue,
Do you know how long your husband has been involved in this activity -- are you sure it's a new hobby? Does he lie to cover up his actions? I'm going through a very similar situation to you. I know how bad it can hurt. Feelings can range from general questioning why he does it, to general discust, up to wondering why he puts a marriage on the line for this habit/hobby. At least, that's the way it is for me. I too have been sickened by my husband being attracted to looking at women who are young, and it makes me sick to my stomach.
Sometimes the lies and general cover-up is worse than the habit. Not that the porn is a good thing, but that it leads to so many destructive behaviors.
What I say is: be very careful. This "hobby" spreads like wildfire - escalating in severity and generally changes a person if it takes root deep enough. Also, your daughters DO NOT need to be exposed to a man like this. It's a terrible thing to have to worry about whether your children are safe around their father, but I know hard it is for that thought to cross a mind, because sometimes you jsut can't be sure what's going on when you aren't home.
Keep in mind that it's NOT your fault. Don't let him tell you that you need to change in order for him to want to stop. It's a fine line, because he is doing this for a reason, and he might have been led to it because he wasn't sexually satisfied (I don't know), but porn is not a substitute for a wife, and he should not feel the need to augment the relationship you two have with something that is totally selfish.


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