One question that has always struck me is were there any children with "special need" problems in those families where marriages have failed due to one spouse engaging in sexual, alcohol, drug, emotional or physical abuse? e.g. ADD, ADHD and all the attendant issues, learning difficulties, physical problems and any other "exceptionalities"?
I am NOT insinuating that the children were in any way, shape or form responsible for the failure of their parents marriage. I am asking this as many times one parent decides that they no longer want to deal with the extra stress this type of parenting requires on a day to day basis.

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: amnow.ok ]</small>

I have often wondered the same thing myself. I work with autistic children and have seen the stress that it has on some families. I think these marriages need extra attention and I know many families have respite caregivers so that they can have time to themselves.

I truly believe that my "special needs" child, indeed play a major role in the breakdown of our marriage. My 7 year old has ADHD. My WS walked out on us 3 years ago. Yes, it was very stressful to deal with my son then, before he was put on meds. Yes, the household (I have 3 other children) became very disrubtive. So the WS.. buried himself in the upstairs office of our home and started chatting on the Net. It took me close to a year before I found out about the affair. He closed himself off almost completely and I had to deal with everything myself. I was completely drained, which I guess just made matters worse as far as he was concerned. To make a long story short, he moved out to live with OMW because he was too selfish to deal with the imperfections of this family. The funny part of this story is... the OW's son has ADHD too !!! It is mindboggling to say the least. Thanks for hearing me out.

Sign me up as one who experienced that phenomena...but I am an ADD adult who was married to a dsylexic man. ADHD son wasn't diagnosed till he was right at 4 years old and x had moved out when he was 2-1/2 - before I started seeing the symptoms.

Thank you merm, Pookie 4 and Cinderella for your responses.

2 of my children have ADHD and were always disruptive, but not until X left were they as teens diagnosed. Therapy, medication for school only and firm, fair and clear parental boundaries put into place.
X still in denial and continually sending mixed messages of behavioural expectations to kids, and enabling chaos and dysfunction, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> but kids- and mom- are far better off than had the marriage endured. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , especially when kids do not buy into impulsive behavioural choices promoted by X.

I am not in the process of divorce (yet) but my H did have an EA w/women online. Your topic caught my attention. My H has a son by his second wife that has ADHD/ODD and is unmedicated. My stepson lived with us fulltime for 5 years before he began threatening our other two children and hurting our cat. So H sent him back to live with his biomother. But H and I also have two sons together (ages 2 and 3 1/2) and they are both autistic. In addition it has been suggested that H has ADD as well. There are MANY of his relatives that have ADD/ADHD/or Autism. H and his sibs also all have addiction problems and depression issues.

I do think all these factors contributed heavily to H's A and his downloading porn. But even when my stepson lived w/us it was me that took care of him, not H. H really withdrew from his son when he found out he wasn't "perfect". Same thing happened w/our two little ones. So it was all on me and mostly still is to this day.

Thought I would bump this up as 2 new posts deal with "special needs" children and how divorce impacts on these families lives even more negatively, except the parent who has moved on to another partner and by putting that partners needs above all else, leaves the financial and day to day caring and responsiblity to the other parent. A nearly impossible parenting task.

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: amnow.ok ]</small>