Been a crappy week. Just glad to be closer to the end of the rollercoaster ride....

My thread from GQII.... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=027300

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>

Helen

Welcome to the other side, Sorry your situation had to lead you here but In some cases it is for the best.

I read most of your post that you referenced. Just enough to understand where you're coming from and It seems to me that you are moving in the best direction for you.

Keep taking care of your self

WIWH

Sorry about what you are going through.

On a serious note, he sounds as if he is suffering from some sort of a sex addiction and is unable to control urges.

I find it a bit disturbing and think this guy needs a shrink and is on the road to jail.

And while the woman may have slept commando with an unlocked door, nobody was given the right to walk into her home and jump into the sack with her. I see her intended promiscuity and the whole idea of her commando/door unlocked theme, but it is still scary.

If he makes you frightened in any way or you feel threatened, please go to the authorities. I think you could get an RO in an instant.

Unfortunately there comes a time when you gotta not worry about the LB or breaking any MB rules when it hits this point. He's got some serious issues. These are sexual assaults.

You've got friends here. But as friends, we would want you to be safe. I just don't get a good feeling about you staying under same roof with him...so maybe he should leave I am thinking. Unless he is willing to undergo serious psychiatric care, I think you need to do what you have to do to move on now.

Helen,

You also need to make sure that you are very careful in how you procede.

Given his history, who knows what he is capable of when it comes to you.

Make sure that you are protected.

I'm getting ready to leave but resound WIWH and his thoughts.

I say retain an attorney. Get all legal documents and copies of police reports on your h. You might need them for proof. Also please remain safe.

While I believe in marriage and would like to see some people work things out, this is a sitch that could result in harm to you. Please get out. Get him out now and you can get the police to help you and your attorney can get an RO also. Unless he checks into a psych hospital willingly and is completely committed to possible change, I wouldn't listen to anything he said and proceed ahead in separating myself from him and the destruction.

People like this can become very volatile and dangerous. Get some professional advice from attorney, women's crisis center, and the police. Do this before proceeding ahead, but do this today. Don't wait. I am worried for you and shooting prayer your way ok? Do you have kids? If so, then it's gotta be done this second.

Good Morning Folks!

Thanks so much for the warm welcome here!

Ugh! This sucks! A(nother) sleepless night, that cruddy feeling that I call an "emotional hangover". Like jet lag on steroids. Yesterday was pretty intense.

I can see that it's gonna be a "hug the coffee maker" kinda day! Mighty Bunn, don't fail me now!!LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank God, no kids involved with this!

I actually "conspired" with the Landlord before H got home yesterday, laying out this latest following/stalking development and basically getting things arranged to my advantage as best I could. I didn't wanna take any chances regarding reactions if I were to expose relevant recent events w/ H present.

This game of "I want out", "No, I wanna stay and work on this" has been a madly revolving door since we began to seriously discuss separation last September, and the intensity increased a notch in the ensuing months after he actually laid out concrete plans to leave last December. So, it's not like this is happening out of the blue by any means....

I've been so emotionally exhausted after almost 21 months of garbage that the stress was/is seriously beginning to affect my physical health. Another of his patterns is to give me about 3 months to get my balance back, then do something to knock me for another emotional loop....gee golly! December to March.... 3 months!

The police at the door was the last straw. A friend did suggest that it may have been a road rage incident, but regardless of road rage or frustrated romance, something happened to get a woman to feel that she needed to run into the store and request a call to the police...and either way, he's NOT INNOCENT.

This time I stood my chosen ground and required him to actually make an initial choice....Out you go, bub, UNTIL you get some serious help. It's all about YOU. If you give a damn about yourself, do it now. He's choosing to abandon the lease, so he cannot blame me. Well, he can, but I ain't buying it.

I'm an almost 20 year veteran of a couple of 12 step traditions, more counseling for myself and with my daughters when they were out of control teens and I remain addicted to self-help books and support groups! LOL!!

Also had much counseling (PTSD) after being battered by previous H. I do know the signs of impending danger, and have preparations in place if a sitch develops that cannot be diffused. I did learn how to disengage if things become heated. God is watching out and so am I, neighbors are aware, police dept in our small town is catty-corner across the street from our apt bldg.!!

H also knows that because of past abuse, I will not hesitate even for a second to call cops, press charges, get RO, etc. the minute he gets in my face with intent to intimidate or coerce. Period. Not a threat, a promise.

Had RO against ex for 18 months. The man never stepped foot in my house again after he hit me. He did all of the jail time, and his belongings were packed for his sister to pick up long before he was released. H has seen the paperwork from the court proceedings and divorce, too, so he knows I'm not bluffing on that one.

Sidebar-I've commented to H at least a few times...I'd rather be punched in the face than go thru this again...when my x punched me, at least that anger and unhappiness was up front and honest. I knew immediately where I stood and what was required. This infidelity, passive aggressive, deceiving, emotionally abusive crap was way worse...but, nobody deserves either one, and THAT discussion is a whole nuther can o' worms! JMHO.....

This H only gave me minor boundary testing troubles throughout dating and up until the 1st A. He's been playing on the emotional devastation ever since. And re-inflicting same when necessary. I had no clue or signs that a little boundary testing would progress to this!!

I'd be stupid to say that I'm not anxious and a little fearful...I am!! I'll have to watch his stress level and irritability factor closely. I think it'll take a couple of days for him to realize that I'm no longer holding out any hope, fighting for the marraige. I'm letting him run away, and that I'm truly done.

I'll feel better when the papers are signed on Friday afternoon, because once that happens, the landlord takes over the burden of enforcing the vacating the premises part of the deal....and can have cops remove him by force if necessary.

I have no cash for an atty. If what I understand about this sorry state is true, because there are no kids involved, he actually has to do something to me physically for me to qualify for any kind of legal assistance. Without any grounds for a criminal charge, the only leverage I could get was to persuade landlord to let him out of the rest of the lease.

It'll be a miracle straight from God if I can get my hands on enough cash to keep this apartment. My landlord is taking a huge risk by helping me get this man gone. He gave me a gigantic vote of confidence to let H out of the financial obligation of the lease....I pray that I do this right, and with God's help, don't let him down.

6 days and counting...all I need is the emotional support to not cave into a new round of his fake caring type $hi+ and more false promises. He's already started that so, I just gotta stay confident and strong!

My only other possible area of concern would be a possibly dangerous reaction from him when I reject any sexual advances. I know he'll try to play that angle, it's just a matter of how quickly he gets up the nerve to push that issue.

It'll either be if he needs a reason to summon the anger to remain the good guy (Everything is Wife's fault, she won't put out) or How soon he thinks that his Mr. Nice Guy act and small token gifts should be properly appreciated and his due compensation paid.

I plan to head that one off at the pass and have the conversation about what NOT to expect in that area later today, before he's had much time to stew, or regroup....

(sigh) Off to the coffee pot!!

Well, it's done.

Papers in hand. He no longer has any legal right to be in this apartment, he's released from the lease. For the next 48 hrs, it's at my whim and convenience.

Planning to have RO served as he is loading truck with his belongings on Saturday. Court is tomorrow. He doesn't know. This way, once he leaves the property, so will all his stuff, and there should be no reason for him to ever return.

I feel bad about going behind his back to get RO, but I cannot risk a confrontation. I realize that, but I feel bad all the same. Honesty is a big thing to me, I've actually been more honest with him than with myself it seems....ironic, to say the least!

He sold my car Tuesday. I couldn't stop him. Oh well. I'm pretty ticked about it tho....what a scum. Now he's playing Mr. Nice Guy again, appearing to be concerned about my future. I find it ludicrous, and self-serving on his part to the nth degree. Guilt-gifts for sure....or to suck me back into thinking that he gives a damn.....

I wondered aloud about acting hateful and cruel on one day (selling my car), and offering a gift of a muffin and a toaster less than 48 hours later...he had the muffins locked up in his truck, and he's offering to leave the old used toaster.....If it wasn't so sad, it'd be downright funny!!

The bravado is fading, and this man has screwed me up way more than I've been admitting to myself. I'm thoroughly disgusted with him and angry with myself at this point. I can't believe that I allowed getting myself in this deep! The emotional storms are blowing thru with full gale force...Mad, sad, glad and scared all at once.

I've been in contact with women's crisis here in my area, and they seem to be willing to help me at least get on my feet. Meeting tomorrow after RO issued to see exactly what will be available.

There's only a miniscule chance STBx read this here. To my best knowledge, he's never been on the internet, and has no interest.

I've also taken the liberty to have a good talk with his brother. I've let all of the secrets out of the bag, and asked only that he encourage STBx to get professional help. His family has no idea about any of the shenanigans over the last couple of years.

I do feel better not having to hide his crap from people that love him anymore, in order to "get along", or to "prove" my love. That burden was heavier than I ever gave it credit for. I know his family does care for him, and they deserve the truth.

How am I doing, gang?

You are most definitely on the right path! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I went through leaving an abusive M too. I'm not sure if you recall (from the ladies board, or perhaps from GQII), but in general terms, my H crossed my firmly set boundaries (no porn being just one of them), and I started making my plans to leave. It took 1 1/2 months before I couldn't take being around him anymore, and I left with 3 little boys to a women's shelter. That was on November 24, 2002.

Now, 17 months later, court proceedings are still going on (I found that child porn, remember? Anyways... that trial is coming up on April 13th... and that doesn't include all the visitation and finalizing of the D crap.. .UGH!). But emotionally, I am in such a better place. I don't have to play along with his games anymore, and I can finally focus on ME and MY life with the boys.

The emotional roller coaster ride you're on DOES come to a stop. Now that you've taken control of it, you can focus on the end in sight.

Prayers are coming out your way for your continued safety. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And I really am glad to hear that you've told his family the situation now. They may be in total denial of the events that have occurred... but you know from MBing, that you've done all you could do to this point. The rest is up to your H.

Take care,
Karen