Please see the last entry of my previous post (OC Born)...

In honor of my x becoming a foggy new father, and my dull yucky migraine and nausea last night induced from a late afternoon conversation with the man, I believe we can create a new "personal improvement" show. We can generate our tips and help those poor, downtrodden, hard working, faithful, unhappy committed folks by surprising them with an exciting new "EXTREME LIFE MAKEOVER". So if you're tired of sleeping with the same wife/husband day in and day out, or want some danger in your life, sick of parent/teacher meetings, soccer games, or the predictability that is your present existence, get an EXTREME LIFE MAKEOVER.

One of us could help the foggy wanna-be with their clothes and style. Another with the lines they will use (the ever important LIE COORDINATOR)in an all out verbal assault on their SO and on their S.O.O. (significant OTHER-OTHER). Another of us could help with attorney selection. And yet one of us could help with brain washing techniques so that the person to be made over learns how to actually overcome any shred of guilt or memory of their past and believe the new lies they are creating (think along the lines of Shaggy's song "It Wasn't Me".

So far, we have two suggestions for the first episode of "FOGGY PLAN FOR THE MARRIED (wo)MAN".

I will re-list them here:

1)If you did something really bad, FORGEDDA BOUT IT. Don't mention it ever again. Pretend you did not do it. If anybody ever brings up the alleged fact you did that deed, say to them "HAVEN'T YOU MOVED ON YET? IT'S NOT ABOUT YESTERDAY, IT'S ABOUT TODAY." Totally ignore anything bad you have ever done...especially if it involves affairs, divorce, bad parenting choices, or stupid mistakes in your personal life.

2)Be frugal. Leading a double secret life is costly. You need to save every penny you can. You'll need it for designer clothes, exotic trips, "LIVING LIKE A ROCK STAR AND LOVIN' EVERY MINUTE" (that is a direct quote from one of Jethro's emails that was read to a packed GA courthouse on my first court date last year ironically on 2/14...you can imagine the gasps from the courtroom on that one). Plus, if you have a S.O.O. (SIGNIFICANT OTHER OTHER) in your life, they will require material possessions from you as well...I have found that after a very costly divorce, it is only being financially responsible to "RECYCLE THE RING". Yea, it's only a little band of gold. You have to wear it from time to time if you remarry so why take the time and spend monies that can go to better use (like a trip to disney with your SOO)and JUST RE-USE THE SAME WEDDING RING. Hey...It's a ring...It still is used for the same thing...why replace it when you can recycle it.

We need a fashion/style consultant, a lie coordinator, chief brain washer, tryst consultant for the SOO, and a legal advisor. But that is a few and to do this right, it "takes a village"...meaning this is not an easy feat...only a few have made it to this level by themselves after all. And for the rest of the foggy wanna-bee's out there...they need the "FOGGY PLAN FOR THE MARRIED (wo)MAN".

My son is still sleeping upstairs and I am flipping channels right now to gain inspiration on how to "be a playa". I was spelling it wrong all along! I would be a horrible style coordinator for the foggy. I gotta get the lingo right.

So I am flipping now and MTV's Spring Break show in on and the topic is "how to be a SB Playa"...I have some ideas for the style. They said that you need to flash some cash for the ladies. And that ladies can be a playa too. The males they are showing are wearing tennis shoes, baggy jeans, basketball jerseys, baseball hats, gold chains, rings, and one is carrying in his hand what appears to be a golden chalice of sorts...He keeps drinking from it. This guy must really like the movie "Robin Hood" b/c his name is "Lil' John". The women they are with are scantily clad and mostly wearing stretchy, lycra kind of material. Also lots of gold chains and jewelry. I heard one person refer to the adornment as "bling bling". They are dancing around and remind me of how a bear acts when he backs up to a tree and moves up and down attempting to scratch his back. You need attitude to pull this look off. Maybe drinking something stout from that golden cup will help you get in the mood a bit easier. Think of how you are the best player in the room.

To give the"aura" of wealth that serious "playas" have, I suggest you go to the bank and withdraw hundreds of one dollar bills. Carry them in fistfulls wherever you go. People will see you carrying wads of cash with you and instantly you're a serious "playa". Plus they're good for tips at the bar. Gotta keep the golden cup always full I guess. Make friends with really large people and have them walk around with you in public places. They can appear to those not "in the know" that they are your bodyguards and that you're somebody they "SHOULD KNOW" and you're on the way to becoming a "Playa legend". For references, see Usher, Lil' John, Justin Timberlake, Eminem, and Fity Cent. The girls can reference Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Missy Eliot, but whatever you do...DO NOT BORROW THE LOOK FROM CELINE DION. She is trying too hard for the "I'm only mid 30's but wanting to hook playa's in their mid 60's look".

Wow that headache is realy doing a number on you isn't it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yep. I am getting ready to go out to eat some brunch with son at very very good place around the corner.

I will put on my jogging suit, a little bit of bling, and ask if they have a golden chalice I can sip my coffee from. My jogging suit has a bit of lycra in it.

So WIWH...What are some tips we can give to others who want to have THE EXTREME LIFE MAKEOVER? What is your area of expertise? Do you want to help with the verbal camoflauge? Help me in the style arena? Or give legal tips? Or help them in advanced brainwashing techniques?

What are some of the foggiest things you've seen?

I saw on MTV that there's this new energy drink called "pimp juice". Really. I wonder what it does.

Maybe it has ma huang in it or something. It would be probably best drinking from a golden cup though. Would help the whole "image" thing.

Another thing I have overlooked is the bellybutton ring and the "look". Bellybutton ring is easily achieved. But the "look" is harder. You have to get this pseudo intense look on your face and keep your eyelidss at half mast. You look at the person you're wanting to become the SO or the SOO and then dart away quickly. You do this alot. I'm gonna try this in the mirror. It's kinda hard to do.

I wish we could get one of us from MB and perform the "ELM" on them. We could take them and change their style and look, teach them some key prhases to say to impress the ladies and the men out there, show them how to act and dance, and see if when we send them out for a night on the town, if they are successful in recruiting a S.O.O. And also help them lose their short and long term memories by suggesting they have no recollection of anything bad they've ever done. I guess we would need to hire George Stephanopolous to do that part.

Here in ATL we have a supermarket that is affectionately known as "the Disco Kroger". It is in a pricey area of town and actually plays dance music on weekends and has a mirrored ball. Supposedly all the singles go there to do the shopping.

That would be perfect. I had threatened that I would send my buddy John from MB to the Disco Kroger when he came to ATL last fall...But we could get somebody from here and do the "ELM" on them and send them out with a video recorder to the "Disco Kroger" and see if our techniques work. Send out a newly enhanced "playa" girl or guy and let them work their magic.

I haven't been there and can't say I could sober. But it would be a fun group activity. I swear everybody...this city has a disco supermarket. I told you it was worse than Vegas.

Errrrrr, don't forget about coloring your hair (the temples were getting gray, after all), and buying yourself a BRAND NEW VEHICLE (with OW co-signing........)

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

"Hey girlfriend! How da sitch over in Atlanta?! Ya sho 'nuff right - gotta fuggitaboudit! Don't let him DISRESPECT you anymore."
OK, enough of that crap for me hehehee.
What really worked for my kids (part of their brainwashing by their 'new & improved' Mother) was similar to what you posted on the 'playa' part: (this is my kid speaking to me in so many words) "It didn't really happen the way you said or think it did. So, no need for apology or anything else because IT DIDN'T HAPPEN! I just magically hit the 'delete' button and presto! End of story. Never mind about the shattered feelings, emotional scars and hurtful hateful lies that were said about me. I never said all those things about you so now, today, everything is KooL. Butt, I will continue to lie to you and believe all those horrible things our Mother told us about you, Harold. And since our stepfather adopted us we changed our name so now it's like you never existed. I will have a very shallow platonic relationship with you, Dad. I love you Dad. Say, what are you going to get me for my Birthday? Christmas? Care Package? When are you coming to see me? I don't care how much it costs you, money is made to be spent like water..."
My take on all this:
Hell, I got a better relationship with the 10 year old girl next door to me than I do with my own son! I've caught him in so many lies, but at least, he does speak to me now - the oldest one, that is. Not the youngest one. It took 14 weeks of USMC Boot Camp and Advanced Military MOS Training to get him where he would even call me 'Dad' again or even speak to me.
The youngest one still won't speak to me.
That, my friends, is how to really SCREW UP the Children Of Divorce - really!
Just My Experience.
Harold (TDL)

Ok...Lupo is added as another consultant in the "style and lifestyle" category...I would say that Sauron would make a nice "brainwashing consultant" so he can verse the wayward to be in the latest of idocacy to justify the fogg...

We need more tips!

But the tip no 3 about hair is cool..

FOGGY PLAN FOR THE MARRIED (wo)MAN Tips:
3)color your hair and buy a brand new vehicle...Either make your new SOO pay for it or get your SO to pay for it or cosign and just drive it around so you will look cool for the SOO and be a chick or stud magnet.

Ms. Peach, I think my chiropractor could help with that migraine. But he's too far from you. Only a one hour flight, though.

I vote for let's just live in peace with ourselves.

Doofus bought a Volvo just a few months after our divorce - about the time I paid off the marital debts and gave him $15K so I could get a quit claim deed on the house.

The amount he will be paying for son's tuition will drop $6K next year. What do you want to bet that he buys another Volvo? After all, he hasn't been paying alimony for a few years.

no, no, no. I have to be the verbal consultant.

My qualifications....I just received ACT scores today and I scored 99%in the two language sections. I also took a personality and IQ (scored very high) test in the last 2 weeks. They both said my strengths were in the verbal area as well. In fact one test went so far as to say that I was a "verbal warrior" LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My daughter said..you didnt need a test to tell you this, I could have told you.

As a matter of fact....One of the major reasons my X left was because he couldnt keep up his lies with me. I was always there, immediately before the words were cold on his lips I knew when he lied. He hated that.

Im sure my X would give me a reference..I could coach on "how to use words to your benefit" or how to "disguise the hidden meaning".

Also needed are seminars on where to hide the viagra without OW and wife finding it

And men especially need to be educated on what type of exfoliating and collegen creams work best to make you look younger. My X wasted quite a bit of money on the things that didnt work. He could have spent that money on OW, but then she is willing to give him free ride, so why should he care.

I think someone is covering the hair dye techniques, but we need someone to keep a jump on clipping hair dye coupons, especially for my X as he let his hair grow long in the past 10 years (YEAH,long, gray and thinning. he has been using the hair dye for quite some time, wonder how ow will feel when he gets sick and she sees the real him?

Peter Pan there will need a personal trainer too as he will have to keep up with the younger dads at the school/sports functions

<small>[ March 20, 2004, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

'Y know, I was in the Foxy Bar & Grill down in the British Virgin Islands for our Honeymoon - my wife and I chilled out and watched all the BALD old men trying to look and act young again. One in particular I remember quite well: he had his 'damn tourists' Hawaiian Flowerdy shirt unbuttoned down to his belly button. His beer gut hung out quite nicely. He was dancing with some young girl probably half his age - he looked to be in mid-40s... My wife & I sat there and laughed at him - what a friggin' MORON. The entire place was packed with idiots just like him, with the exception of a few sane folk (like my wife & myself). Brewski in one hand. Other hand wrapped around the 20's something girl.
We still laugh about it.
We're too mature for that crap.
TDL

<small>[ March 21, 2004, 07:38 AM: Message edited by: Sauron The Dark Lord ]</small>

Wow...Sunrise you are onto something here. Ok, you're the "verbal consultant".

And that's hilarious. I think later on I can give a tip on where to NOT hide the viagara...

Hair dye and collagen creams are another story and I will also add that to the list.

Sauron...you are so awesome...I am getting the mental image of your trip to the BVI and that guy w/the hawaiian shirt...yuck. bleech. it's too early in the morning to feel nausea!

Ok. Here are a few more tips for our pilot program which will slam it's competition in ratings:
"FOGGY PLAN FOR THE MARRIED (wo)MAN"
Tips Continued
4) (after buying a new shagmobile)
Tips on looking your youngest..Now that you've discovered you are wanting to get "out there" again, you've got to look the part. A few years (decades) could have gone by since those days as a sexy beast, so you might need to remove the damage done by years of domesticity. How to deal? Easy. We start with the hair. Men can go to extremes either growing it longer (makes a statement) or getting an actual "style". Both require a stylist. Times they have a changed, so after getting that new look at the man salon (or day spa if you're a female), you'll probably be instructed in the art of using "product" in your hair. "Product" is the new hip, metrosexual phrase for gel, mousse, spray, or anything that makes your hair do something different. But you don't call it mousse, gel, spray, or anything. You want to be hip, so say "I am using PRODUCT" now.

5)Performance, performance, performance. Sometimes livin' on the edge is a buzzkill and can..well..scare a man into not being able to "do his duty" that great. And performance is key when you're trying to shag another woman or guy. Even girls these days are getting into the "happy dance pill" these days. Sure, you can tell your doctor anything and they'd be happy to write a presc. for you for that, but DO NOT LET THE SO KNOW ABOUT THE HAPPY DANCE PILLS. Hide them at all costs. This is a dead give-away that you are gettin' down in funky town. Personally, I can attest to this one.
DO NOT HIDE YOUR VIAGRA IN THE GLOVEBOX OF YOUR HUMMER...ER..CAR. Very bad place. As I found it and being a health care provider, knew what those little blue pills were for and knowing my x really didn't have an issue in the performance category, knew I was smellin' a rat big time. Other places not to hide it: nightstand, pants pocket (we wash clothes remember?). You could also go and drink some of those sports performance drinks (think Stinger) or try some of the herbal "enhancement" pills over the counter. Problem is, sometimes these happy dance pills can make you rather uncomfortable and uneasy to "settle down" after your trysts with the other liar.

6)Body body..Wanna feel my body body...What a thrill..Joggin in the morning' --go man go! Workouts at the health spa--muscles show! (THIS IS TAKEN FROM THE ALL TIME NARCISSIST ANTHEM "MACHO MAN")..
The bod. If you want some others to take notice of it, you must do something about it. There are 2 approaches here. One is actually doing something about it and Two is to try to fake it.
a)the doing something about it. Peter Pans and Wendys' of the world need to hire a personal trainer. But alas, this costs money and your SO might find out that you're suddenly working out and sweating and that isn't good for camoflague. But then again, you'll get more endorphins and you might lose some of that spare tire that years of good sunday dinners and contentement brought on as a result of being taken care of by your SO...
b)the "fake it" approach. Sauron, another consultant put it best about this one. While vacationing in the BVI, he witnessed the ultimate in self love...self denial...but if you can believe it, then maybe somebody else can believe you too are the sexiest beast alive! This guy was bald, mid 40's to 50's and felt so comfortable with himself he let it all hang out! LIterally! His beer gut was open for all the girls to check out as he left his Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned almost completely. So if you are going to "fake it" you've gotta be bold. That means EMBRACING your baldness, your fat, your lack of good taste and just go for the gusto. Say to the world, "sure, I may be a fat, out of style, balding nine to five dad, but I am really under all of this fat and baldness a veritable god of pleasure". I'd also say to try to tan alot as it could, well might, at least give you some color and distract your SOO from the reality that you are fat, bald, and dress uncomely.

I would like to be the financial consultant. I'm very good with money, and can advise them how to get the most bang for the buck.

First they need to save up and get a new Harley, hopefully while they are still married. That way BS can still help with the downpayment and the payments until they can find a little honey to ride in back.

Next it is crucial not to waste money on things like house payments, child support, insurance, or groceries. Spend all available money on having fun, fun, fun. If BS or X complains, say "Hey it takes money to live".

Be sure to buy OP some bling blings. You can cut back on presents to everyone else (kids included).

If there seems not to be enough money, tell X or BS to bet a second job. Or maybe their parents can chip in. Of course any child over 10 should be working too. But never, ever ask OP to get a job. That would be too demanding.

More tips:
6)The skin. Again, you can either do something about it or fake it. You can go out and purchase costly collagen creams/moisturizers, etc. But your SO will wonder why is a man worried about his wrinkles? Here in my hometown of ATL, men AND women go for the gusto and fork out bucks for botox. But that could be a dead give away too for if the doc doing it goofs one bit, you won't be able to smile for six months..If you want to fake it, just go to the tanning salon and opt for the "spray on tan" since you want that color (hide the fact you're aging rapidly) but don't want that sun exposure. However, I fear any of these alternatives are a dead giveaway to your SO that you're on the prowl lookin' for strange. That last sentence is something I had never heard before until moving to the mecca of sin, Atlanta. In fact, I suggest that all wishing to become waywards either move to Vegas or to Atlanta as we have so many down here it'd make your head swim. Like a subculture.

JP - Can I be the financial advisor, can I, can I?

Sauron!!!!!

I think you saw my ex..LOL did he have a ponytail hanging off the back of his balding head???

<small>[ March 21, 2004, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

I think WS/EX always takes OW to same places we enjoyed together because

1) he can continue same fond memories, but with new younger version

and

2) he knows those places so well(from the countless times we have been there) he knows where he can duck in and get lost in the crowd if he accidently spots someone he doesnt want to see him with OW

My Peter Pan even moved OW into same area as me (from 30 miles away) so now her daughter is in same elementary school as all 4 of my children were..Ex can continue on just like he never left with same teachers and same school functions..lets just see if this time he does it sober or all drugged up

Wow...seems Sauron did see your xh!

Ha.

We're back from church and am getting ready to go to park. I am still really tired and just want to lay down and sleep. Need to get some yard work done and it's really windy here.

Have about a million things to do and half a million hours to get it done in.


Sunrise, you and Sauron and the others have gotta come up with more tips. We need a list of basic tips!

Peachy - what part of town is this Kroger. B-head? Roswell? I want to enhance my shopping experience.

Hi Sunrise1! We did our HoneyMoon back in late April 2000 - so not sure what ya Sitch with the X was then. Sorry, I should have given a date here. No he did not have a ponytail, just kinda long light brown bleached looking hair almost down to his shoulders. Bald in front and halfway up top. 'Course, this COULD describe a lot of WSes as well...
Good tips! Say, Financial Advisor, are you gonna give 'em any 'hot stock tips' ... like ImClone maybe heheheheee. Just kidding.
TDL
PS - Maybe after they just slap ole girl Martha Stewart on the wrist a little bit and don't make her spend much time (if any) in jail, perhaps stock in her Company will shoot back up again...